I Would Have Loved You Anyway

by criminally charmed

After an accident, Jeff recalls his late wife Lucy. Uses the song I Would Have Loved You Anyway by Trisha Yearwood. Hankies are not optional.

I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU ANYWAY

By Criminally Charmed

Dislaimer - No, I do not own the Thunderbirds, do you? Huh? What? You do? Gosh, I'm sorry, I will put them back right where I found them, honest!

Um, my great and wonderful Beta Sam1, says I am in trouble. That I better hide. I did it again. Read on and you will discover...

"OK, where the hell am I? What happened?" Jefferson Tracy was confused. The last thing he could remember was driving down a crowded street in Midtown Manhattan, talking, well, borderline arguing, with Alan. Suddenly, several sharp memories overwhelmed him. "Dad, look out!" SCREECH, the blare of several horns, CRASH, metal crunching, glass shattering; the horrified look on his son's face, followed by darkness. Then sirens, other voices, rose in near panic. But he could not hear Alan's voice. Jeff had forced his eyes open for a moment. Hands were reaching for Alan, pulling him out of the car, away from Jeff. The father had tried to protest, tried to demand that they leave his son, his baby boy, alone. Jefferson Tracy had always taken care of his son. Since the boy was three, he had been a single parent. But as darkness reclaimed him, his words of protest followed him into the fathomless chasm.

What happened? How had he gotten here? Where was here?

Jeff had been simply been going to meet up with his youngest son, Alan, here in New York City. Alan and his father had both had some kind of business here today, so Alan's wife, Tin-Tin, had dropped him off in Manhattan last night while Tin had continued on to Tracy Island, with a brief stop in Los Angeles pick up Fermat Hackenbacker at Cal-Sci, so that they could go home for Christmas. After Jeff's meeting had concluded, he had left the conference room at Tracy Towers to find his twenty-year-old son talking and laughing with Jeff's longtime secretary, Ann-Marie Thompson. She had worked for Jeff for twenty-two years and adored all of his sons, but Alan held a special place in her heart. There had been days when Jeff had brought Alan with him to the office, mainly when they were headquartered back in Kansas, and Ann-Marie would baby-sit the tow headed charmer; Brains had sometimes even brought Fermat along and the two would play under Ann-Marie's watchful eyes.

He needed a phone. If Jeff could just get to a phone he could call Ann-Marie, or Scott, or Brains, or Penny… or, he could call Kate. Yeah, call Kate. Heaven help the fool who tried to get in the way of his oldest daughter-in-law when she was in full fury. Katherine Eppes Tracy was a force to be reckoned with, a vengeful wraith if she thought anyone was threatening her family.

"Yeah, she gets it from her father."

Turning his head, Jeff saw a snowy headed man, of indeterminate years seated by him. "Excuse me?" The man seemed oddly familiar to Jeff.

"Katie. She gets that 'don't you mess with my family or I'll kick your asses' from her father. You know? Donald Alan Eppes, ex-director of the FBI, before that he was one of their most decorated agents ever. This, by the way, explains the white hair on my head."

Jeff raised an eyebrow at the elderly man. "And you are?"

"Oh, sorry, I sometimes forget we have never formerly met – Alan Eppes. And it is ok if I just call you Jeff, isn't it?"

Taking a deep breath, Jeff stared at the man. Now he knew where he had seen the man. This was Kate's beloved "Grandpa Eppes". But, he was….

"Dead? Yes, Jeff, I am. And to answer your next question, no, you are not. You are not even close. Some damn fool drunk had too much "cheer" at the office Christmas party and ran a red light. You hit your head on the window, but the side impact airbags protected you and Alan fairly well." At the panicky look on Jeff's face when reminded of his youngest child, Grandpa Eppes put a soothing hand on his arm. "Now, you are unconscious, you became, well, frankly, hysterical, when they couldn't wake Alan up. So the doctor sedated you and they are running some tests on your boy."

"I thought you said we were OK, the side impact air bags protected us?"

Grandpa grimaced. "The airbags helped; without them you, well, definitely Alan, would be dead. That other car hit you from the right."

Jeff felt faint. "The passenger side; he hit Alan?"

"Even with the airbags, Alan got fairly well shook up. They are running some tests to make sure there is nothing wrong on the inside. On first exam, he has a bump on the head, a sprained right shoulder and some bruised ribs. No work for International Rescue this school holiday, hmm?"

"Now," Grandpa continued. "Do you remember what you and young Alan were discussing when the accident happened."

Jeff closed his eyes. "Alan had been telling me about a paper he had written for his non-fiction class. He had done a kind of mini-biography, using his three oldest brothers in key points in their lives: how they met their wives, proposing, and marriage and how they each found out their first child was on the way." Jeff smiled proudly at the memory. "He got an A on it. But his professor suggested a follow-up: write a blend of fact and fantasy. To do a paper on how all those happened with his father and then imagine how his own child might experience the same life events."

"So why were you arguing with Alan? Seems like an interesting paper."

Sighing, Jeff looked at the other man. "He pointed out that he didn't want to try and do that for a child and that he couldn't write those things about his parents because I had never told him. Then he became angry and accused me of blaming him, that I thought it was his fault. I was confused and became distracted. I have no idea what Alan was talking about."

"So you have shared your memories of your late wife with Alan? And I have been hanging around for five years now, so if you did it, Alan was rather young."

Jeff frowned. "No, I guess I have never talked much about Lucy with Alan. It just… Well, it just hurts so much to talk about her. I loved her so much. And now my wife, my best friend, is gone. We were supposed to grow old together, watch our children and our grandchildren, and see them grow up."

"And Lucy broke the promise so you are punishing Alan for her leaving you?"

Incensed, the father growled at the older man. "I most certainly am not."

"He knows."

Puzzlement overwhelmed Jeff. "He knows what?"

"Alan remembers the accident that killed his mother. He knows that his mother threw him to his older brothers and told them to run. He doesn't know that his mother had smacked her knee that morning and didn't want to ski. He doesn't know that Johnny was trying to keep an eye on her or Scott wanted to look after Alan." Grandpa chuckled. "Scott really does view Alan as his little boy, doesn't he?"

"Alan doesn't remember the accident."

Grandpa nodded. "Yes, he does. Alan heard you say at the funeral that the only thing that gave you any comfort was that your baby couldn't remember it. So he kept his silence. Sarah found out when Alan was about six, after he had a nightmare when she was baby-sitting. And John found out when Alan told him after that mess with the Hood. But no one else knows. And Alan is afraid that you blame him, that as his mother had died saving his life you won't share her memory with him because you hold him responsible."

"That's ridiculous," Jeff protested. "Lucy tossed Alan to his brothers because she couldn't run as fast with her sore leg. As it was, John tripped and Scott covered them both with his body. All three of the boys were hurt by falling debris. An avalanche carries a lot more than just snow."

"I tell you what, Jeff," Grandpa Eppes mused. "You share those memories with me, the good ones. How you met Lucy, how you proposed, how you felt about your sons, especially the first and last, coming along. Share the joy of those years with me and then when the other Alan wakes up, you can share them with him. Let him see what a beautiful thing he was born of."

Jeff closed his eyes and found the memories flooding over him. Oh, God, Lucy… He missed her so much. How could he have ever let Alan think Jeff blamed him? How could he have ever not told Alan how he thanked God that he hadn't lost three of his boys, his true treasure, that day as well? Smiling though his tears, Jeff Tracy began to recall the love of his life.

If I'd've known the way that this would end
If I'd've read the last page first
If I'd've had the strength to walk away
If I'd've known how this would hurt

Jeff could picture the first day he met Lucille Keith as clearly as he could his own face. He had just been selected for the space program; the government was really pushing the next generation of "the right stuff". It made the young Air Force officer somewhat uncomfortable to see his face splashed across newspapers and television screens. NASA was pushing Jeff to the foreground as much as they could, simply put, he made good press. Young, good-looking, accomplished, the son of Kansas farmers he was the poster boy for the All-American hero. While others in the program might make better astronauts, few could come across as well in the media. And the reaction of women was somewhat disconcerting to Jeff. That may have been why he was a little cynical when the accident first happened.

CRACK! Having just started to back out of his parking space at the mall, Jeff Tracy groaned at the crunch noise made by his rear fender as small compact car had backed right into Jeff's sports car. Grumbling, swearing that the damn fool had best have insurance, Jeff got out to exchange information with the other driver. A pretty blue eyed blonde stepped out of the compact, tears filling her eyes. "I am so sorry, I forgot to check my blind spot, and this is entirely my fault." Over the years, Jeff had become good at telling when someone was lying to him – a skill that served him well raising five sons – and he quickly realized she was serious. It wasn't another far fetched attempt to meet Jefferson Tracy. Soon, Jeff was comforting the young school teacher. They exchanged insurance information and Jeff made sure to get her cell phone number – just in case his agent had any other questions. By the following Saturday, Jeff and Lucy had gone on their first date – and were in love.

"Wait a second," Alan Eppes questioned. "She backed into you in a parking lot? Don't you Tracys know how to just meet a girl at a party? Or go on a blind date?"

Jeff laughed. "Yeah, Alan was the traditionalist – or non-traditionalist, I supposed. He married his childhood sweetheart."

"So, how did you propose?"

Leaning back, Jeff smiled at the memory.

I would've loved you anyway
I'd do it all the same
Not a second I would change
Not a touch that I would trade
Had I known my heart would break
I'd've loved you anyway

"Lucy and I had been dating for almost three months when I was selected for my first shuttle mission. Our romantic life wasn't easy, NASA hadn't liked that I had one girlfriend; they wanted me to appear available. Our favorite thing to do was to walk along the beach at night. Few people to see us, fewer to interrupt. But I knew Lucy was the girl I wanted to marry and before I strapped my ass to a rocket to fly into orbit, I knew I wanted to ask her a question."

"Lucy?" Jeff drew her attention as she stared, fascinated at the stars. She smiled at him as she always had. He loved how she looked at him as if he had hung those very stars for her alone. Jeff had something he wanted to ask her and he was scared. He was also having trouble breathing, a not uncommon reaction he had around her. Jeff swore that every time he was Lucy Keith, she took his breath away.

"Yes, Rocket Man? What is it?" Jeff smiled at her, fascinated at the way her fingers would move. Due to budget cuts, the local elementary school had nearly been forced to choose between art classes and music classes, until they hired a recent college graduate who was both a talented artist and a gifted pianist. She often teased Jeff that she wished they would let her teach astronomy as well, but that would have to remain a hobby.

Pulling a small jewelry box from his pocket, Jeff handed it to Lucy. When she let out a small gasp at the delicate diamond ring, Jeff clasped her free hand in his. "Lucille Elizabeth Keith, will you marry me?" Tears in her eyes, Lucy could only nod as Jeff slid the ring onto her hand, before he gently kissed her.

"So Lucy wore my ring and managed to sneak into the family waiting area when we came back from space. I didn't care what the brass wanted. That shuttle mission could have ended in disaster, and all I wanted was to claim my girl."

Alan Eppes smile at Jeff. "Yeah, you were the hero of that mission. You used your engineering skills to jury-rig the shuttle and let your team come back safely. If it hadn't been for you, there would have been another shuttle disaster – not what the space program needed at the time."

Jeff smiled. "Yes, so when I grabbed Lucy and kissed her, introducing her to the world as my fiancée, the press ate it up. And NASA found it preferred the new image – not the most eligible astronaut, but the farm boy marrying the school teacher. How much more All-American can you get than that?

Then Jeff frowned. "I shouldn't have been scheduled for another mission for three or four years. Plenty of time, I thought, to marry Lucy and settle down with a baby or two. Then, three weeks before our wedding day, the flight director pulled me into his office. I was leaving in four weeks for the first manned mission to the moon in how many years? I knew with the way things would be scheduled, I would have to report for duty in three weeks and three days. I couldn't ask Lucy to marry me and leave her three days later, could I?"

"Lucy! I am not being given a choice. We are just going to postpone the wedding a few months. I will be back in June; we can marry at the end of that month or early July. They can't ask me to go up again for at least a year."

"Jefferson Anson Tracy, we are getting married as planned. We can delay the honeymoon, but not our wedding."

"And why the hell not?"

"Because I refuse to wear a maternity wedding gown!" Jeff froze, shocked. Tears filled Lucy's eyes as she continued. "Oh, God, Rocket Man, this isn't how I planned to tell you. But I took five home pregnancy tests. And then I saw a doctor today. I am pregnant. Please, Jeff, don't be angry."

Jeff pulled her into his arms, gently stroking her soft blond hair. "Angry? That the woman who is my world is having my baby? I love you Lucy. And I will love our baby."

As Jeff continued to brush her hair with his fingers, Lucy smiled into his chest. "OK, but if you start singing "Having My Baby", I am going to hurl."

Laughing, Jeff pulled back, leaning over to her stomach. "Hey, son, it's Daddy. Don't worry, Mommy and I will be getting married right on schedule. Just don't expect us to celebrate anniversaries by years, until you are old enough to really understand the birds and the bees and moonlit winter nights in an old barn in Kansas."

"Lucy tried to argue it could be a girl and I told her that girls were rarer than hen's teeth in the Tracy Line. She had better start knitting blue booties."

Alan Eppes laughed. "An old barn in Kansas, huh? OK, no more teasing my granddaughter for getting pregnant on Thunderbird Five."

Jeff smiled once more. "I'll keep that in mind. So we got married in my hometown since Lucy had grown up in the foster care system. I can still remember my mother pulling me aside after the wedding, saying that she and dad would keep an eye on Lucy and the baby while I was gone. How she knew…" Jeff gulped and soldiered on. "In the end, Mom ended up moving to Florida while I was gone, to keep an eye on her first grandchild. Those ten weeks were the only ones my parents ever spent apart from the day they married until the day my dad died." Remembering the father he had lost a year after his wife and the mother he had lost just a few years ago, Jeff sighed. With the loss of his wife, then each of his parents, made him ever more grateful for his boys – and now his own grandchildren.

It's bittersweet to look back now
At memories withered on the vine
Just to hold you close to me
For a moment in time

"What happened next?" Grandpa Eppes asked.

"Well," Jeff mused. "I married Lucy in March, Scott was born on November 17th, and I began doing some designing of astronomical equipment that NASA said was impractical. After asking a patents lawyer, I found out that since they didn't want to produce the items, all I had to do was get it in writing that they were "passing" on my designs, and I could patent them under my own name. I left the space program shortly after Virgil was born and by the time Lucy was expecting Gordon, I had become a millionaire. I had paid back any investors, and was looking to expand overseas. That's why I was in Japan when Lucy was in a car accident bringing Scott home from school. She had just picked up John from pre-school and then had gotten Scott – Virgil was too young for either – when some teenager, talking on a cell phone, drove into the line of cars parked in front of the school. Lucy had been preparing to pull out when the car the teenager had hit spun and struck Lucy. The boys were alright, thank God, but the accident caused Lucy to go into labor. By the time they were able to get her out of the car – her door had jammed in the accident – and they could get her to a hospital, it was too late to stop the contractions."

"That must have been scary. I can relate – a little. Charlie was a preemie as well. Doctors told us to be grateful we had a healthy son at home. Humph!" Mr. Eppes snorted. "That baby they gave no hope has since become a Noble Prize winner for his work on Cognitive Dissidence. And I forget how many other awards. I have had four Presidents call him a National Treasure to my face."

Jeff laughed. "Gordon became an Olympic Medalist – and that was after his hydrofoil accident." Jeff sobered at that memory. "I kept thinking that he was the one I nearly kept losing. But ever since the Hood invaded the island, it is Alan who I have nearly lost time and again. I need to find out how he is!"

"What you need," Grandpa Eppes exclaimed, "is to relax and finish telling me the story."

"Well, before Gordon was even born, Lucy and I had agreed that four was a good number. She teased me if I couldn't make a girl this time; I had used up all my chances. So for over four years we had a good life. Lucy had stopped teaching but she did work for the PTA and volunteered for literacy courses and the library. Only when Gordon was in pre-school and the other were at school. Before another oversees trip, Lucy and I got into a fight. She accused me of emotionally abandoning her and the boys, of caring more for Tracy Inc – we weren't Tracy Enterprises yet – and of considering her an unpaid housekeeper and babysitter. She wanted to go away on vacation. We now only lived about an hour from my parents. We both knew my parents would jump at the chance to have the boys to themselves for a week. And Lucy loved to downhill ski; can't do that much in Kansas. But I knew if I could close this latest deal, we would be secure for life."

Alan Eppes raised an eyebrow. "So how did you settle the argument?"

Jeff blushed, muttering. "We made love." Then he smiled. "And, as it turned out, we made Alan."

Both men began to laugh, until Jeff began to speak again. "So, five weeks later, I come home and it is almost Thanksgiving. My parents were already up at the house and I could smell my mother's apple pie. Dad was sitting at the table helping Scott with his homework and stopping Gordon from driving Johnny crazy with his knock-knock jokes. I heard piano playing in the other room and assumed it was Lucy. Imagine my surprise when I saw it was Virgil. I had no idea he had gotten that good. My mother had come up behind me and told me Lucy was upstairs; the women of the family had decided Lucy needed a night out and dad had already called in reservations to our favorite restaurant. Since they had the boys well in hand, I decided dinner out would be great and I could surprise Lucy that night in a restaurant as easily as I could at home."

Grandpa Eppes smiled. "What was your surprise?"

"I had a ski vacation all set up. Just one click on my computer and it was ours. A week in the Italian Alps, just the two of us, for January." Jeff sighed. "Instead, Lucy told me her "surprise" first. She was pregnant. She was so happy, yet I had my doubts."

"You didn't tell her that did you?"

"God, what kind of jerk do you think I am?" Jeff was offended. "No, I held that in. But I kept hoping that this would be my little Lucy. And instead, I had a male version of her, right down to the temper."

"Oh, God, Lucy, look at him. He looks just like you. How about Walter Schirra Tracy?" As the baby let out an outraged yell, Lucy laughed, shaking her head.

"No, Rocket Man. I let you have our sons be named for astronauts, which I am OK with. Scott and John were good names. But then you did Virgil and Gordon, which are both sure to get our boys in some fights down the road. There had to have been another astronaut's name we can choose from."

"Lucy, there were six Mercury Astronauts: Scott Carpenter, John Glenn, Virgil Grissom, Gordon Cooper, Walter Schirra… Oh, yeah, and Alan Shepard." At the last name, the baby gave a coo. The new parents looked at each other as the father transferred the squirming bundle to his mother.

Gently tracing her youngest child's perfect features, Lucy sighed. "Alan Shepard Tracy, I bet you are going to be a handful. And," she glared at her husband, "you are definitely going to be the last."

"Well," Jeff mused. "He lived up to all of that. Alan was the last, I made sure of that, and he has definitely been a handful."

"But a joy?"

Jeff smiled. "And definitely a joy. For all of Alan's stubbornness and temper – which, yes, I know, he got from both parents – he can always make you smile. Alan just loves life so much; it is like getting swept into a parade. In that, he is definitely like his mother."

I would've loved you anyway
I'd do it all the same
Not a second I would change
Not a touch that I would trade
Had I known my heart would break
I'd've loved you anyway

"Lucy began hinting about taking the whole family on a ski vacation. My dad's health had begun to decline – he now leased out his land to a neighboring farming co-op since he wouldn't let me hire him a manager – so there was no way we could leave all the boys with my parents. And Lucy didn't trust anyone else for that long with our children. So for Christmas of that year, I gave her dream family vacation. For February vacation, I would take ten days off and we would take all five of the boys on a trip to Colorado to ski. I had rented a four bedroom ski lodge and had it all planned. I worked my tail off between then and the trip, making sure no business would come up that week. But on the second day, Lucy tripped coming down the stairs and banged her knee. It wasn't bad, but she knew it would be too sore to ski. So John, Scott and Alan stayed with her while Virgil and Gordon came with me. We had been on the slope about thirty minutes when my cell phone went off. I only had it with me because we had split up. But it wasn't Lucy. It was Ann-Marie, and from what I could understand – the reception was poor in that area - a major deal, one that would move me into the billionaire circles, was about to fall through unless the buyer heard from me personally. So I took the two boys to the main lodge, bought them each a hot chocolate and called the buyer from a landline. Just as I hung up and went to take the boys back to our lodge, we heard a rumbling."

"The avalanche?"

Jeff's eyes filled with tears. "The avalanche. It went right past our lodge, right over the field the boys had been playing in. Scott had four stitches on the back of his head, John broke his left wrist and my baby, my Alan, had cracked a rib from his brothers laying over him and three stitches on his forehead where a tumbling branch hit him – the only place his brothers hadn't covered. When he didn't say anything about it after he woke up, the doctors assured me that with so young a child, he would probably never remember such a trauma. Instead, you are telling me he never forgot it." Jeff broke down in tears, sobbing for the first time since Lucy's death.

And, even if I'd seen it coming
You'd still've seen me running
Straight into your arms

"Dad! Dad, it's OK. I'm right here. We're both OK."

Jeff opened his eyes to see the bright blue eyes that he had loved first in Lucy but which now shone from Alan's face. A dark bruise was forming down the right side of Alan's face. With a shaking hand, the father reached up to softly touch his child's face. "Alan, baby, are you really alright?"

Alan clasped his father's hand where it touched his face, ignoring the pain at the sensitive zone. "Yeah, Dad. I woke up during the CAT scan. The doctors said I was probably just pushing myself too hard, that it was also exhaustion. They found the notation about the MRSA and gave me hell about it. Then Kate and Emily got here, and Em is set to give me hell as well. Kate –" Alan sighed – "I'm sure is just waiting to fly us home, wait for Scott to get back from, um, picking John up at work and giving the Hackenbackers a ride to their holiday digs, before she lays into me. With Scott as backup, of course."

Jeff grimaced. "But I was going to fly us home."

Peeking into the room, Emily frowned. "I so do not think so, Dad. You guys are lucky the doctors are willing to release you to my care. You were just in a car accident, you both suffered head injuries, and you will listen to doctor's orders, got it?" Nodding at her proclamation, she slipped into the room long enough to give each man a kiss on the forehead before saying, "Now sit still and behave while I finish your paperwork. Or do I have to send Kate in?" Laughing at the way the men froze, Emily left the room, shaking her blonde head. Kate really did have that effect on people.

Looking down at his hands, Alan bit his lip before talking to his father. "Dad, I am sorry about what I said in the car. I was just really reluctant to do that paper. See, right after we got back from Thanksgiving on the island, Tin-Tin had thought she was pregnant. To her relief, and to my well-hidden disappointment, she wasn't. But for almost two days, I was someone's Daddy. And even though it turned out Tin never had been pregnant, I still feel like we lost a baby, like I am in mourning. I guess I was spoiling for a fight and I said some things I didn't mean."

Reaching out to his son, Jeff pulled his youngest child into his arms. "Alan, I am sure by now you know some things I hoped you never would. But while Kate is flying and Emily is fussing, I want to tell you all about your mother. How we met, about when we were expecting each of you; you can ask me anything. It's time for me to stop being so selfish with your mother's memory. And Alan? I am glad you were happy when you thought Tin-Tin might be pregnant. Even though I'd like to see you two finish your education before you have children, I am glad your heart knows you will welcome your child whenever it is time."

Kate and Emily chose that moment to enter the room, wheelchairs in hand, followed by several doctors. Ignoring the protest of anyone who could not answer to "Mrs. Tracy", the women bundled the men up and snuck them out back, slipping them into a medical transport and smuggling them to the airport. And as the small plane flew westward to the security of Tracy Island, Alan presented his father with his Christmas present: hot from his publisher – Alan's first full length published sci-fi book. It was the reason why Alan had been in New York that day. And Jeff gave Alan the best Christmas present he could. Jeff gave Alan his mother, in every word he said. Now Alan had more than some old photographs. Jeff gave Alan the flesh and blood woman who had loved and lived for "her boys" – all six of them.

I would've loved you anyway
I'd do it all the same
Not a second I would change
Not a touch that I would trade
Had I known my heart would break
I'd've loved you anyway

A/N - Yes, what I had done was hurt Alan again. But now he and his father can have some open conversation between them, so it had a purpose. I love this song by Trisha Yearwood and whenever I would listen to my I-Pod while writing, it was inevitable this would play and I would think of Jeff and Lucy. So this is my take on their romance both before and after the vows. And I got to play with Alan Eppes as well. I will get started on Gordon's story soon.