The lights in this place are magnificent. They dance around, swilling, and spinning completely out of control. Mood is everything, and they control it with their colorful show, following the steps to a secret chaotic waltz. Coming across this place by mistake, I was oddly surprised that I was drawn to it. I haven't been Aboveground for many years now, or perhaps very few…I can never remember. Time is such a subjective thing. The song playing from the speakers is deafening, you can feel the vibrations of sound like a wave drowning you. It's so easy to get lost in here. No one is fearful, they all seem to be enjoying themselves, but they are all so utterly lost. All of them, lost in a crowd of strangers. They don't mind it though, they seem unconcerned with reality. Odd. Humans mostly are so obsessed with their world.
This is the place where they go to run away from their troubles; one night to forget your worries, free from any responsibility or consequences. They're all so young, and they're all discontented in one way or another. Where has all the hope and whishes gone? That small light that shines in the darkest moments, the soft voice that tells you it's going to be all right. Where has it gone? In this place, an individual is no one, just a part of the restless mass on the dance floor. There were no faces; just bodies, silhouettes, shadows. I know no one here. I am a stranger, I always will be.
Perhaps it was the overwhelming power of anonymity, or a chance to forget. Maybe it was the song playing or the need to show off my dancing to someone other than goblins…or chickens. I don't know why it's comforting, losing yourself completely in a crowd. Yes, there are problems to attend to and quandaries to sort out but…to hell with them, to hell with all of them! One night. One night of freedom, were everything could just pause for a single moment. All I need is one night, is that too much to ask? The lights are flashing neon blue. I'm surprised that half the people in this place haven't gone blind by now. Someone bumps into me. In the dim light, I see an outline of the stranger. Female, slim, wearing clothes that is four times too small for her, alcohol on her breath. The lights flash on her face for a moment, her hair is dyed blonde. Her face is layered with make-up, attempting to cover her harsh skin. Her eyes are brown, the color of coffee. She smiles at me, and moves closer. She says nothing, but she doesn't have to. Her eyes tell me everything. She dances closely to me and I don't resist. Why should I? One night will do no harm. We dance together, it seems for an eternity. It's perfect, bliss even. The lights change into a soft grey and electric green, indicating the start of a new song. A string of mournful violins flow out of the oversized speakers, "I love this song!" the girl manages to shout over intoxicating melody.
The song is passionate, full of fury, and longing, and regret, and anger, such anger. Ah, emotions. What a complicated web of sound and images we manage to scramble up. "What is it called?" I ask her. "I don't know!" she shouts. She smiles genuinely, as if this is the only place in the world that exists. Ignorance is bliss.
And it starts... Sometime around midnight. Or at least that's when you lose yourself for a minute or two…
The song has an intoxicating effect on everyone. They all sway quietly, waiting for the climax to come. The drums transform into the heartbeat of the people, the instruments mesh together so effortlessly and gracefully.
As you stand...under the barlights and the band plays some song about forgetting yourself for a while.
I look at the shadows and swilling colors around me, the chaos is relieving, necessary in a sad sort of way. By the bar is a string of people, all in line to receive a chalice of forgetfulness. Out of the darkness, and the shadows, and the silhouettes, stands the only light to be found in this place. My light, my hope. She stands there, confused, scared, intimidated by the anarchy that surround her. It is clear that she does not wish to be here. She stands off to the side, arms crossing her shoulders, back leaning against a wall. She has no need to hide in a crowd, or run away from the troubles of her life. She's stronger than most.
And the piano's this melancholy soundtrack to her smile and that white dress she's wearing you haven't seen her for a while…
Her face registers a hint of recognition. Has she seen me? No, it's just a friend of hers. Her friend tries to convince her to join her on the dance floor but she shakes her head and smiles, refusing her friends request. After a while, her friend stops trying and reunites with the mass. She looks up. She sees me. I'm sure of it. She looks at me curiously, as if trying to figure out where she has seen me before. Have you forgotten me already Sarah? She stares at me, never leaving my gaze. I'm just some frivolous dream, stored in your childhood memories, completely insignificant. Aren't I Sarah?
And so there's a change in your emotions. And all of these memories come rushing like feral waves to your mind.
Do you know what you have cost me child? Do you know what I would have given for you? I did not offer you my heart. Hearts are fickle things, no Sarah. I offered you the only meaningful thing I have to give, my soul. I gave you all of me, and what did you do? You threw it up in my face. I did all that you asked, absolutely everything, yet you look at me with those cruel eyes and refuse to understand.
And you feel hopeless, and homeless, and lost in the haze of the wine…As she walks out the door your blood boiling your stomach in ropes…
I could have anyone I wanted, and I gave myself to you. To you! I look at the girl dancing at my side. I grab her by the waist and sway closely to her. I look her in the eyes, she smiles drowsily. I could have her if I wanted. She would beg for my heart on her hands and knees. The girl blushed, obviously eating up every second of attention I gave her. I glanced over at Sarah, making sure she saw every second of it. This is was you could have had, Sarah. I hope regret eats up your soul, then maybe, just maybe you will be able to begin understand the torment and suffering you put me through. She's looking at us all right, green with envy. She doesn't look away, she just stares and stares. This is what she deserves. This is my revenge. I position perfectly myself so that Sarah can have a clear view of the chance she will now never have–to be with me. I glance back at her at smile. Tears spill from her eyes like crystals from a stream. Still, she does not turn away. Not enough for you Sarah? You're not the only one who can be cruel. I have to take it one step further. I stroke the side of the girls face, my little dancing companion. I lean close to her face, approaching her glossy lips. I kiss her, passionately, furiously, and spitefully. She takes in my kisses greedily; her lips take like a martini. I turn to towards Sarah, looking to see when she'll break apart. No one else matters, just her and me. She has to know what it feels like. Sarah lets her tears fall freely; she makes no attempt to wipe them away. She trembles in sadness and anger. I can see the fire in her eyes. Do you understand now Sarah? Do you feel the fire burning you from the inside out? Her green eyes glitter emerald in the turning and swirling lights, such innocence. What have I done? Sarah looks at me, her eyes burning into my heart. Although tears fall from her eyes, her mouth forms a smile that grows bigger and bigger. I don't understand. Why is she happy? Why in the world would she smile? I feel like shaking her by the shoulders. She shouldn't be happy! She doesn't deserve to smile! What have I done? What have I done!
Oh and when your friends say, "What is it? You look like you've seen a ghost."
Sarah gives me one last glance, she's not mad anymore, not envious. She just gives me a sorrowful smile, pitying me, mocking me, before she walks out of the door. She can't leave. She can't leave! I try to run to her but the crowd of people get in my way; the mass does not want me to leave. I push and shove the people out of my way. The light and sounds which were so comforting a moment ago are now suffocating me. Nothing matters but her. Nothing but Sarah. I get past the intoxicated mob of people, but it's already too late.
Then you walk, under the streetlights. And you're too drunk to notice, that everyone is staring at you. You just don't care what you look like. The world is falling around you.
I run into the streets and search for her. I have to tell her I'm sorry! I have to tell her I didn't mean it! Not one second of it. I don't want that girl, I don't want anyone but you. You are the only person I've ever wanted to dance with. But you don't understand that! Why don't you understand Sarah? There is no one out here. Why do you do this to me Sarah? Why do I feel this way around you? My world is falling down around me, but you're not there for me.
You just have to see her. You just have to see her. You just have to see her. You just have to see her. You just have to see her. You know that she'll break you in two.
Why can't you understand that I love you?