July 16, 2008 Wednesday 11:34 pm
Steven McKensie -- My First Journal Entry!
Well, my grandma gave me this, and I'm not too glad about the design, but paper's paper. Okay, so I got to thinking about my own traits. I'm gonna try and make dumb stuff cool.
I'm having friend sickness!
Top Friends:
Dawn Williford
Amelia Harris
Kate Gross
So far I've seen this summer:
None ;(
I'm listening to Simple Plan and reading.
My goal for high school is to join many clubs, handle a full load of work (school-wise), and to find a job, be the top student, and be someone that everyone likes and knows.
July 17, 2008 Thursday 2:59 am
The summer sleeping bug is back and it's like my body is saying, "Let me go to sleep!"
Today I went to a concert and saw a few friends with new haircuts. Amelia said she liked my shoes!
I have to watch William. He's been aggravating lately. I stayed up till five reading my book and it's pretty good.
I've gotten into the 1950's now. I love the music.
I'm thinking about having a group picnic…
July 18, 2008 Friday 10:18 pm
Today was another fun day of just me and William having our own cookout when Dad stormed in and yelled cuz all our Oreo's were gone, and really I just think he wanted them for himself. He kept going on and on and I couldn't help but laugh. Then, when me and William were fighting, I got in trouble cuz I'm the big brother. Dad's annoying. Ah, I'm gonna try that cigarette Dawn gave me. I don't give a flip. Dad's the worst father ever, unlike me hopefully. I've been angelic lately, so it's fine time to revert back to being rebellious… I feel like breaking something already.
P.S. – I'm starting a new book.
July 19, 2008 Saturday 2:11 am
Scratch that, today I decided to be nice. Dad fixed the computer, hurray, hurray. We're having a Bugs Bunny marathon. Today was lame, but tomorrow the same. It's Sunday, but that's better than Wednesday service, and definitely better than Saturdays! … I miss 8th grade.
O, not in cruelty, not in wrath,
The Reaper came that day…
FIRST DAY OF SUMMER
July 20, 2008 Sunday 10:47 pm
I don't really feel like writing cuz the power went out at 5:20 and just now came on. Power outs are the worst! There's not much to say. Today's sermon and worship was good. Also we had fun playing poker with my uncle. And Dawn got back from Mexico today! I think.
July 21, 2008 Monday 2:23 am
Today was boring, so I'm glad I stayed up late last nite and slept all day.
It was grandpa's birthday, so we had steak and pie. The pie was good with coffee, but they took the pie with them! I'm supposed to see them noon on Wednesday for lunch and mowing maybe.
I'm craving pizza. I might order tomorrow and have Dawn over. Still reading. There was this short documentary on MTv about HIV.
July 22, 2008 Tuesday 1:51 am
Today I also slept late till 2, and had to get ready to go to the orthodontist. We went to Mi Burrito. I 3 tamales. I couldn't call Dawn cuz she's at her grandparent's.
La la…
I'm glad I have a good personality and style rather than looks.
I found out I don't have to mow my grandparent's lawn.
It started to storm today.
July 23, 2008 Wednesday 11:41 pm
Today was fine. My grandparent's took me to some place "Where the Elite Meet to Eat." We also went to church, but it wasn't that good.
July 24, 2008 Thursday 1:24 am
Today sucked, kinda. Spent all day watching Tv, mowed the lawn, and cooked dinner. Hooray! I gotta get some plans laid down for that picnic! Tv is funny, har har har!
P.S. – Mom got some more breakfast sandwiches! Yum!
July 25, 2008 Friday 2:57 am
Tomorrow is my uncle's birthday and goin to the lake.
Yawn.
I'm starting a new book.
July 26, 2008 Saturday 10:34
I didn't sleep at all last night. Today I played computer all day, then packed for the lake. We had supper there. I finished my book. It's my new favourite. I'm listening to Flyleaf.
July 30, 2008 Wednesday 11:32 pm
I've decided to only write on important days or every other day, not that the past days haven't been exciting. We left Sunday to go to the lake. We did nothing. Monday we swam. Tuesday, a cousin came over. Today, more cousins. From Washington. The state. They were really white. I hope they flew.
I finished my other book. It was really sad because the main character was a bit older than me, but was dating this girl that was promiscuous and his parent's didn't approve. So, he did everything possible to see her, only to find out she died from STDs. Ouch.
I'm gonna try hard to get good grades in school. I wanna be clever, kind, helpful, cunning, and easy going.
August 4, 2008 Monday 1:02 pm
I'm back from camping and the power is out. Dawn will be back at 6. Electricity will be back at 2. I wanna learn a new language.
August 8, 2008 Friday 4:45 am
We toured Oakwood and I can't wait till high school! I'm gonna rock it! Dawn's mom is going to make Coke Cake. Ha ha, I mean Coca-Cola; not crack. I put up some pictures on my door, it looks cool. Tomorrow is the bunnies' meeting! My new game is addicting. Blah.
December 18, 2008 Thursday 11:22 pm
As you can see, It's been 4-5 months since I've seen this thing. I gave up on writing in fancy pen. School started, and it sucks. I am shy, quiet, and depressed. I would say I have become clever, reserved, and a bit evil as a plus, though. I'm still an insomniac.
Halloween was awesome; I went as an air force pilot with Dawn.
I've joined GSA club, and it's fun. I'm in the process of developing the club T-shirt.
Dad's being completely idiotic again. I haven't been watching Tv, but I'm reading The Picture of Dorian Gray. I just watched Edward Scissorhands and it was SO good. I hope to have a friend over. I've made new friends with Courtney, Doug, others, ?, …
One more day and the Holiday Break starts.
As for my love life, I'm debating on my sexuality. There are so many factors, like sexual, personality, society, standing up for myself, what feels right and Christianity. I don't know. Anyways, I'm still looking forward to the rest of the school year, and will resume my journal.
P.S. – Kota the Triceratops looks fun.
March 19, 2009 Thursday 1:27 AM
I have a new crush on Brian. Things seem to be going well. I went on a field trip with Mr. Hughes. It was so fun even though I got in trouble with a wheelchair. I'm now friends with Kyle, Becca, Carla, and Kerry.
Summer '09
Help me get through this, help others avoid hurt, and get my parents to leave me alone before they literally love me to death.
I want to check Facebook and talk to Dawn and Erik, and get my cell phone back. I hate having to talk to others, not getting to go to Oakwood, not having trust from my parents, being forced to leave my friends, my summer is ruined, my parents keep wanting to have deep talks, and church!
I really just want to live my life without these obstacles. I think I've lived a positive life and will keep living this way. I know what I should do, but it seems too hard to change. I don't think I'm motivated enough. I don't know how I'll work things out with Erik.
Whatever happens, I'll always have a loving God that has a plan for my life. I still have hope.
Vacation Notes
I remember on Mr. Hughes's trip when Courtney and I held hands to agitate old white people, ha. I wish I could travel with my friends!
So our cab driver was really funny. He claims he'll be the president of Haiti someday.
Day 2:
We went to Orlando Universal. Everyone was wearing those stupid "pretty boy" sunglasses. We went to see this monster make-up show, and it was a hoot. Also, this guy was unashamed to be holding the hand of this other guy who had Down syndrome. It was sweet. I decided my personal motto is, "Live like you're behind the camera, not in front of it." William said his was, "Kill everyone." Ha. I miss Erik.
Day 3:
Today we went to Aquatica; there were kiwis everywhere. This British couple asked us if we had the time. I hope Erik is having fun. I would love to be spending time with him… that is what gives me joy when I fret about other attractive people. It calms me that somebody loves me. When I see him I'm going to give him a big hug.
Four:
Today we finished Universal. I keep having the desire to go to the school dance with Erik. Slow dances only, of course. It would be sweet.
They say we'll never see these people again, and I hope so, I want to forget them.
I'm hoping me and Erik can double date with Laura and her girlfriend. Hah! Two same sex couples, funny. Also, I'm hoping there'll be a time when just he and I can be alone. Preferably at my house.
I think I have some idea of what this journal will be. My most important papers and notes will go in here. That way I'll have everything in here…with plenty of room to add more. So it'll be like a journal/inventory.
The parents and William keep taking up the entire sidewalk so I have to follow behind them. I feel like an outcast. Toilets hate me. :( Pure evil.
Day 5:
Wet n' Wild…nothing notable. I'm enthralled that I've overcome my fear of going shirtless to the water park. I snuck onto Facebook this morning, haha. I really need to stop wasting space on here.
June 25:
SeaWorld. We saw some South Dakodians.
I cried. I broke down. I yelled at my parents. I pray no one has to go through what I am going through. I need cocoa…
6/26/09:
Okay, so there are all of these English people wearing really short shorts, and it's frightening. We went to this pirate dinner show and William really got into it. Nonstop throughout the show he was screaming at the top of his lungs, "DRINK!!!" Cuz that was his way of requesting more soda. I heard the lady behind us laughing at him. Arr, parrot.
6/27:
Airport time. So there is this airport merchant guy who obviously liked to sing. You could hear this guy from the other side of the terminal. Anyways, people would go buy their last minute things and at the conclusion of their purchase he would start the tune, "Thank you for your business and have a great day, ch-ch, have a great day, ch-ch, have a great day!" Mom was like, "Stop buying stuff from him already!"
June 29 (At 4:40 in the morning)
I've made up my mind. I'm going to be Christian and gay. I don't really care anymore.
I watched Transamerica, and got two gay teen books.
I miss Erik more than ever. I'll arrange to go to the movies soon.
I want to hold his hand again; to hold him… I'll give him a big hug.
We're all writing our story.
6/30 – Sincerity without truth is deception. I love my grandparents.
Today I finished my book. It wasn't that great, but Doug said he loved it. Doug is awesome. We talked for an hour. He's great to talk to. I think Erik and I will double date with Kyle and his girlfriend. That should be fun.
7/1 – Gay or lying. Choose one or end up with both.
2- I wanna write a book. All's well that ends well. "Out of the Pocket" is an amazing book. I love the character Carrie, har har.
July 11, 2009
So much is bittersweet – It satisfies me yet gives me something to long for.
You hurt me. Memories don't help long. I've lost everything, but I see I may be better without you. The loneliness is nearly unbearable, without friends, my best friend… my parents are trying to take my boyfriend away, the last thing I'm holding onto. As farfetched as it is, I see myself being with him forever. I know I'll have a good life. I'll push myself away from any new school, new friends. I just want my old ones. All I need is a best friend. Happy 2 month. (May 19)
I don't know how much longer I can take it. Sorry I'm putting you through this. Thanks for coming out to your mother.
July 13, 2009 – I wanted to recall memories of band, but I don't feel like it. I'm gonna miss it. I feel horrible. All I have is empty memories… I'm running on the past.
July 16 – Miserable, surprise.
July 18 – I could write a freaking book… O torment on me.
I think soon the parents will have to face a Hobskin's choice – a gay son or no son at all.
I pray Erik knows how much I need him. Though I don't suppose anyone knows how much I need them.
What I want to say: Can't I just leave? I don't belong here, it doesn't feel like I belong anywhere. I had feelings of love for this family, now I love nothing. Things aren't the same, and I don't see how they ever will. I don't want to live a miserable life, but it things aren't going well now. I know I'll have regrets, but you'll be surprised by the mistake you make. A flawed son or no son at all… yet I will remain flawed.
I want a guy friend, a good one! I wish people would just talk to me. I can take it.
July 22, '09
People prefer consistency over kindness.
I've just read "The Mysterious Benedict Society." It was both wonderful. The author even resides in Arkansas.
Today I got a hoodie, hooray. More importantly, I called Erik earlier. I forgot to tell him of my braces or even about our two month, quel surprise. I have my doubts about him. I hope more than anything he still loves me.
His words… "Keep your chin up…" Sigh. I suppose he's right. I'll manage at any school, and this 'fresh palate' may be interesting. I may be forced where I'll have to lie to get what I want… you can't escape selfishness.
Also, he noticed my Facebook account had been temporarily deactivated. This reassures me partially that my friends are unable to contact me… But curses, they could call at least. My book reads, "You could never be more alone than if you betray your friends." Hm.
I suppose dropping out will prove nothing.
I've noticed that even the time of day makes me sad. 10 o'clock, 11:11, the 19th, Memorial Day Weekend. Ah…
Anyways, the grandparents seem fine and William gets to go all day without his ADD pills. I get mad at Dawn for not appreciating her family, and now I don't even look at my parents the same. Maybe this is my fault, I've always been to blame. Will the coast ever be clear?
23rd
I want my pet to be a black Collie. Yep. If I had a band, its name would have to be meaningful yet cryptic. And retro. Maybe I am addicted… the grandparents won't give me a chance at that dang phone. I want to hug Courtney, talk to Kerry, and see Erik. Ha. I pictured me at the homecoming ceremony, and when you get to pick three things to say about yourself, I'd say I was unregretful, hopeful, and sorry. That'd be cool.
I find myself eager to be helpful. I dunno.
Insomnia… I need some anti-depressants already. I hate when the parents laugh at my grief. And why on earth would mother tell me to, "go ahead and cry?" For goodness sakes.
I have three bleak, very bleak years ahead of me. I don't give a care about other schools. It just hit me that Kerry, Becca, and I were going to be newspaper staff buddies. Darn it. I wonder what would have happened with Kerry and I…
I also wonder why I'm so reluctant to document memories. Ah well. I hope it sticks with me.
"There will be a day, with no more fears, no more pain, and no more tears."
I've decided the saddest thing is either a fading smile or words of parting.
24th
I had a cool dream. I dream more after I read.
Mid-day: More swimming. You'd think after my explosion, my parents would see how miserable I was. I'm going to miss so much about Oakwood. Who knows how me and Kerry would have turned out. Egads. Kerry was everything I could have asked for, and I can ask nothing more of Erik…
I had a chance to use Grandma's phone, but I put it back… stupid.
Oh, and today, as I was driving the boat, everything that could have tested my skill as a boat driver happened… Like 10 or so oncoming boats, Nene couldn't find a chair, William hitting me, the dog under my feet, there was a spider on the steering wheel, and I choked on my sandwich. I hate bugs. The lake is beautiful. I wonder what memories I'll have as I get older. I hope I'm getting tan. I miss Erik.
25th
The parents are arriving at thirty until noon. I have about an hour and a half… Who knew the grandparents would make it so hard to get their phone.
Oh, I remembered that I was going to volunteer in the school play next year. Shot down in flames. Next three years are gonna suck. I wish they could have recorded the "Joseph" musical last year; it was swell.
Darn it, the worst feeling is when I suddenly realize me and Dawn are still feuding. I've had at least five dreams where we made up. The last one was at an airport. I had a breakdown about teen pregnancies. Bizarre.
I wonder what they mean when they say, "the night is darkest before dawn." That's idiotic.
4: I can't believe mom said that, "some people lie uncontrollably." Psh. All I am is a bit klepto, a tad of a pyro, and maybe I monopolize people… It's funny that Dawn got addicted to anti-depressants, and I've been undiagnosed with depression. What a coincidence.
Still 25th (11:46): Salvation. Dawn called. Well, she texted. Acted as if everything was fine, which is okay with me. She is my all time best friend. Although I do hope me and Brenda remain good friends.
I need to come up with a phone solution soon. It's unbearable. I want to hug Erik, snuggle with him… ah, perhaps marriage. I love him dearly.
Oh, today we went to a weird BBQ place for my uncle's birthday, and I was having a nervous breakdown. I was fidgeting and avoiding eye contact, I dunno why.
Gotta keep my chin up.
28, I think (5:56): Where to start… my pastor and his wife revealed this Sunday that she had a serious disease. The message was on crisis and was very touching. I'm meeting my pastor today…
Another realization. I won't have anyone to hug daily. Sigh.
I think if I identify my worst fear, that will help me. Hm… I'd have to say it would be losing people.
My spirituality is getting shaky. I want to give up, yet I want to stand strong. Why do I have to be so two-sided?! Grr.
Yesterday at church I had another breakdown. No one was there. :(
I was just thinking of how cool it'd be to go to one of my friend's weddings. Hehe. I'm eager to become a homeowner… Doodle time…
I miss my middle school friends and teachers.
"Do you know what it feels like, being alone?" – Swing, Swing by the All-American Rejects.
Also, I went stalker and got directions to Erik's house. Now I won't need a map. It's all in my head.
6:40 – I made coffee for the parents. I want to ask to be put up for adoption.
10:25 pm – Feel like crap. My hope is straining.
10:40 – For kicks, I'll see how long I can deprive myself of sleep. It'll be 36 hours at midnight.
Must call Erik. I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
What to say to parents: I'm sorry you decided that this new school will be best for me, despite the hardships of losing friends. (what could be worse? Or do I see them as too important?) I will try my best to be good for at least three more years.
My life officially sucks. All I have to live for is my friends, Erik, and the hope that this journal will mean something to someone.
My spirit is dying… I don't know what to believe, I'm so two-sided on everything. I want God in my life.
On another note, I like that I don't have to be poetic or cryptic like in my Facebook status. It feels good to be direct.
I gotta keep telling myself that my family loves me. Grr…
I need to ask Erik what the band's name is. Hm…
It's 10:50. Puzzle time.
2 – Got sidetracked and watched Tv. Poor puzzle. Gah, I'm too tired.
4 pm – Darn it I slept until 1:40. Grr! At first I felt good and I could live with just Erik, but I got William and Mom mad and ruined my good mood. Bored.
This is the worst summer ever. And Mom has the nerve to say that she wished I didn't say that. They're ruining my life, not me!
11:30 – What the heck, Mom isn't helpful at all.
Erik says his band doesn't have a name. He couldn't talk much; he had to go eat with an uncle or something. I miss him terribly.
I'm so sad and dreary. I just cut and took some pills… I think I'll go catch stuff on fire.
1st – I'm just gonna guess at the date. :) 7:50 – We had a class cook out and I got to shoot an AR-15, heh. It's nice that Erik is so understanding.
2nd - 7:50 am – I miss Erik and wish I could be spending time with him. Sigh…
2nd -10:08 – Mom is so difficult. I used to like her. If they'd just give me what I want, everything would be just peachy. Rrrr! I want to scream! God they're so annoying! I wish I could kill myself to stop the pain. I want to run away.
5th 10:14 – Got to talk to Erik again, yay!
Thursday 6th 1am – Today I'm talking to the principal, getting my braces off, taking my driving test, and seeing my counselor. Yay. Soon I will arrange to meet Erik, ha! I love him.
1 am – Braces off and I can drive now! I hope Dawn can give me a ride to Erik's. Today I'll call Doug… I just realized how hard it'll be to call during school. Darn. I need to go to Oakwood!
At the State Police Headquarters there was this nice old black man who said he was 64 and still needed to get his permit for driving a hazmat truck or something. Friendly fellow.
Also I got two books and a milkshake, yay.
2 – I need adventure.
2:22 – This may be the last time I get to use the phone. Oh well. We watched Invader Zim; it was funny.
I don't know how I feel… either ripped apart or hollow in a hollow world.
6:40 – I'm safe. Doug called William on his phone, ha ha. Frankly, I'm mad. Even though I kinda owe the parents, they owe me for making Dawn mad at me and ruining my summer. Darn! I had two nice dates planned with Erik, and now I'll have to substitute for an undercover one. Later today I'm driving. Pray I don't wreck, wink wink.
11:30 – I've now made the decision to accept God into my life… I … I hope this helps the emptiness. I dread it has only become worse.
I pictured when me and Erik finally got together and I started to cry. Oh, and school starts on our three month, yay… torn apart.
I was thinking about Brian, God forbid. He's so… innocent yet deceptive. Perhaps he's just like me and just wants to be unhurt. Nah, he just has one thing on his mind. I'm so glad things didn't work out over Spring Break.
Erik is so wonderful. I was just remembering the things he's done. He really does care about me… My heart hurts so much. I … just want to abandon everything and live with him…waaaa Then I remember I'm 15.
8th 11:24 – I saw two people from Oakwood today. Ha. I was too shy to say anything though.
I remembered something. How my middle school friends (Dawn, Amelia, and Kate) would come to my locker after school. That was awesome.
I need to stop judging people. We are all on the same level.
Mom said, "You have plenty of time to accomplish things." To which I replied, "Yeah, 11 days."
Time is running short and I don't know which cards to play! I guess I'll just talk to God. :)
The serenity prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept what I can't change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
1 – Crap… :|
I think it's like the 10th 6:40 – K, so I left at 1 to go to Dawn's. It was fun. She recalled the time when there was a roach in Mrs. Barbley-Fender's class. Everyone backed away except her, and the roach moved towards her. Dawn said, "Notice how it goes toward the trashiest thing in the room!"
Anyways, Dawn's mom was late, so we were hiding from my parents. I'm still shaking. I'm still not sure I'm safe yet, I'll tell later. I may have blown my scheme with Erik. Waaaa….
Also we watched Weeds.
8:50 – K, I'm safe. Some senior at McAllister High called, hooray. I don't care. Also, what's-his-face from church goes there AND he's on Erik's soccer team.
All I need is to get a hold of Erik and let him know.
11th 12 – I talked to Erik, but he had to get in the shower. Anyways, I think the thing's set for Friday, I can't wait! I'm supposed to call him back soon, bye!
7:47 – I remember Dawn said I should be mean to the teachers. That's the only part that I'm looking forward to. If they think this school is best for me, they're dead wrong.
Green Day "Wake Me Up When September Ends" – Summer has gone and passed, innocence can never last.
Wednesday 9:30 pm – The stupid parents understand nothing. They think that Oakwood represents pressure and temptation, but really it was just my personal urges.
10:30 – They're taking the life from me. Choices are 1) Screwed 2) Saved or 3) 1 miserable year at McAllister High. So either I messed up, played the trump card, or just have to endure a year of torture. I realized that all of my interests are gone. I… nevermind. I can't wait until Friday.
Who cares 7:41 - Why does it have to be like this? A year ago all of my middle school friends would have thought me the least likely candidate for suicide. Now, everything has fallen apart. I have nothing, not God, family, or friends. Who am I kidding. No one really likes me. It's so aggravating that we're so blessed and yet I'd trade my lives any day. Nothing matters anymore. It wouldn't matter what I do, nothing will change. I've done nothing wrong, I'm only 15! Parents, if you're reading this, I want you to know that you are the problem! My life was fine, and you ruined it! Not me! I didn't do anything! I had to lie because you won't let me live my life! I HATE you. Heartache is simple, it is caused by something, and in this case, that would be you. And now you'll forever wonder what would have happened if you'd have just listened to me. You are the worst parents imaginable. All I have to live on for 3 darn years is that I can live when I turn 18. My life is meaningless, I just hope I don't DIE before then. You could have a good son! I shouldn't be in this situation, writing all these things. Well it sure isn't getting better.
10:44 – Well, I did it. 11 pills. I'm really shakey and everything hurts. My stomach is having sharp pains. I hope my friends know how much they mean to me. I love you. I'm going to lay down now. I'll miss you all, bye.
Ha ha ha ha – Still alive. I should try running away.
14th? 2:19 – It took less than a year to lose everything, I'm sure I can get it back in a year.
10:34 – Sigh. Carla and I were going to be in two classes together. This is the worst decision ever. You only get to go through high school once. I would do anything to go back, but everything's ruined now.
3:06 – I can't believe this. I always think of others. I'd never want to harm anyone. And now, I'm the one giving my life away – having it taken away. All I want now is to grow up, but time is as stubborn as I am. All I hope for now is that Erik will stay with me and it'll be all awesome and yeah. Tears won't fall from my eyes.
4:43 – I don't know what to think of my list making. Maybe it's all pointless, but maybe some of this is important? That's the trick.
4:15 – Well, the family just left from Mom's birthday party. Dad said I couldn't participate with them; the nerve! To punish me even more!? Anyways, I love the grandparents' company and enjoy hearing them talk. They talked about when they were younger. It was fascinating.
8:18 – It's going to be tearing me on the inside not being able to see Erik every day.
1 – Man I wish I could go back to eighth grade. I just watched a movie from then, when Amelia was being silly. I hope we're friends forever. Sigh.
I still can't believe it. I feel like my life is gone. Like everything I once knew is just beyond grasp.. Or I cry to them but they can't hear or see me.
Will anything really ever be the same again?
18th 5:48 am – We toured McAllister High and it was worse than I thought, though it could be fun. Someone from middle school goes there! Today I'm going to drive to Erik's. Later I may consume alcohol.
12:01 – Get this - the truck won't start! Yay…
19th 1:31 am – Today is school, yah. I concluded that I'm a very trusting guy, it's just that in a serious relationship I need reassurance. I do hope Erik writes soon.
8:47 – I feel bad, because I miss Oakwood, but everyone at McAllister is so friendly. I met lots of new people, and at church I hung out with some crazy girls. I should call Kate soon. Brenda left to Chicago.
Okay, so I walked into the kitchen and the whole family was in there and it was like, what.
12:31 – I got depressed so I tried some vodka, which was horrible. Maybe wine's better. Anyways I got a pill pouch set up, yay. And some cough syrup. :o
21st 5:05 – Well, it's gotten to the point where my parents don't want me to live with them any longer. Dad was talking to me about a state-custody thing, and I was like, what the heck. Although I'd do it without hesitation if it meant I could go to Oakwood.
22nd 12:12 midnight – I've already found my group of friends; one's name is Nikki. It seems like I've already been there for weeks, and unfortunately I'm finding it more comfortable than Oakwood. But of course I'd still want to go back 100%. Anyways, Erik's letter hasn't arrived yet, but I'm pretty sure he still loves me. I so hope he feels the same way about me as I do about him. If I lose him, I'll really have nothing to live for.
28th 5:57 – I'm extremely irritable often. I can hardly stand this school any longer. What kind of life is it if all you do is stand by? I've taken up the hobby of sleeping simply to pass time. Oh how I miss Erik…
30th 10:24 – So Friday, I ran away. Boy am I gonna have stories to tell my children. The pain in my legs doesn't compare to the pain I've felt at school. So miserable. To sum it up, I took refuge from the rain in a slide, fell in oncoming traffic, then got talked out of my plan by some hippies. Ah well, another day. I need to ask my counselor about this custody program. Sadly, I'd give up my family for Oakwood, and daily use of a phone/internet. I believe Erik really does love me. We must be together, I need him! Surely he feels this way about me! Waaaaaa….
September 4th 2009 7:54 – I'm very tired of this religious chatter. I find that everything is now only disheartening and dismal. Seriously, I'm freaking tired of everyone being against me and no one wanting to help me. No, I don't want your help….
9:17 – Oh, and Dad tried to talk to me. I was really angst, it was funny.
5th 9:38 pm – I feel sick. It baffles me how Christians can say they're doing the right thing. What do my parents have to show for it? I hate everyone. This is not my fault. Hmph….
6th 7:54 – I got to spend time with all my family. I'm in a good mood. All looks well, the icing on the cake would be if Erik told me he loved me and would stay with me forever.
May 29st 2009 –
I remember when Erik and I were at the band concert a few days ago. We got to spend all day together, and as we left we hung out by my locker. As we were saying goodbye, we hugged and unexpectedly he tried to kiss me. It was so embarrassing! But he said he'd give me a second chance. I caught up with my parents as they were strolling towards the car. Erik's eyes met mine and he cast me a cute smirk.
I waited for ages, sitting in the chair and gazing longingly out the window. Finally, Erik arrived and I showed him around, then told a quick fib that he liked Dawn and we left. We walked and talked all the way to the park and back. But the house was locked! The parents left for the movies. I spent time trying to get back in, but then gave up and decided to make the best of a bad situation. I moved over to where he was at and sat by his side. There was a silence and I asked him about if I could get a second chance at a kiss. Without a word, we leaned together, and our lips touched. It was awkward if anything. He rested his head on my shoulder….
Excerpt from September obituaries –
West Little Rock – Erik Phillip Leath, age 15, of West Little Rock, left us on Saturday, August 22nd 2009. He was born February 19, 1994, in Little Rock, Arkansas, the son of Janine Lanae Leath and Robert Mitchell Leath. He attended Oakwood High School, in the Little Rock School District. He attended for his freshman year and the beginning of his sophomore year. He was a wonderful athlete and musician. He was loved by so many and will never be forgotten.
September 19, 2009 –
It's our four month. I reactivated my Facebook, but Erik hadn't responded to my message. About a week later I got the message from his mom. She told me that he had gone from marijuana to using more harmful drugs. He never told me. She didn't know. There's nothing now. My life has come to an end.
September 19, 2017 –
Wow, I thought I'd lost this thing. Don't know if I'd take up journaling again, but it sure is good to get my thoughts down. Well, I graduated and got a job in child psychology, so hopefully I can feel like I'm really helping someone. I found Cynthia, and she's wonderful! She used to go to our church too, and I never knew it! Anyways, I couldn't be happier. I've got everything going swell. I feel so tranquil inside. There's no more turmoil, no sorrow. Unless I look back, and see those words I can't believe I wrote. I don't know. It just hurts too much. What I do know is simple. I still have Dawn by my side and I know she'll be there to help me forever. I've realized that what happened has happened, and you can never take it back. And when you find yourself alone, with absolutely no one by your side and there to help you, you can always just remember that person who always made you feel better, and how nothing could come between you and them. I think it's all about determination. Giving up never yields serenity. Friendship is determined by determination. And I am determined to find my serenity.