You say you don't wanna hurt me
Don't want to see my tears
So why are you still standing here
Just watching me drown
Sam blinked as she willed the tears away for the millionth time that week. No more tears, she had promised herself.
"We could have a baby," she said. "What is so wrong with that?"
"I'll never be able to leave you and our child like that," Jason replied somberly.
"I know that we have to face what's coming. And I also know that you hate the idea of leaving me," Sam said as she wiped the stray tear that escaped her eye.
"I'll never be able to leave our child like that. It's unfair, Sam," Jason said as he clenched his jaw to hold back the emotions that threatened to spill out.
"Unfair?" Sam said, rising from the couch. "No, Jason what is unfair is to finally find somebody that makes you happy and have them snatched away. That is unfair. What's unfair is for you to finally have your heart and have to leave it behind. That is unfair. It is all unfair but it's going to happen, we know that. We have accepted that." She stood in front of him and looked into his eyes.
"So we will love and hold each other until the last possible moment. But in the end, it's all the same, you know? You're still going to leave me," she said with a silent sob. "And I'll finally give in to this cold, empty feeling inside of me… and I will cry and I will be sad and I will be really, really angry."
Her voice softened. "But our child, our child would be my love, my heart, my constant reminder of you and what we have together. So yes, you may have to leave me. But you don't have to leave me alone."
And it's alright, I'll be fine,
Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine
There's nothing you can do or say,
You're gonna break my heart anyway,
So just leave the pieces when you go.
Jason blinked back the tears that were forming in his eyes as Sam wiped her cheeks with her hands. He took her hand and gently led her to their bedroom.
Five months later
Sam helped Jason walk back into the house and he made it to the couch where he all but collapsed. He rarely left the house except for doctor's appointments, so it took a lot out of him. So far he had defied all of the doctors' expectations, but his condition was worsening.
Sam put away her purse and slipped off her shoes before she went to the couch as well. She sat on one end and Jason lay down, placing his head in her lap. She frowned slightly as she noticed how tired he looked. He opened his eyes and noticed the worried look in hers.
"What's wrong?" he asked weakly, although he knew the answer.
"Nothing," she assured him, just as she always did. "I'm just tired, and I know you are, too. I'm sorry; I shouldn't have made you go with me."
"Sam, I wouldn't have missed it for anything. We got to see him today," he said as he put his hand on her expanding belly. A smile spread across his face. "Him. Our son."
Sam smiled and wiped a happy tear from her eye. "Our son. Jason, can you believe it? We did it; we have our miracle baby on the way." She leaned down and kissed him softly.
Jason smiled as he closed his eyes and imagined their little boy. He pictured Sam playing in the park with him, helping him with his homework, reading to him at night. His heart clenched when he realized that he wouldn't be there for any of that.
Sam stroked his hair as the smile faded from her face. Jason probably wasn't going to make it to the birth of their child, and he'd never get to watch his son grow up.
Sam's phone rang, breaking the silence. She slipped out from under Jason and went to grab it.
"Hello?" she answered. "Hey, Carly. He's okay, we're both worn out. Yes, Carly, I promise he's okay. We went to the doctor today…my doctor. We're having a little boy!"
Sam cringed as she held the phone away from her ear. "I think Carly's happy," she said to Jason with a smirk. "What, sorry, Carly…I had to move the phone in order to preserve my hearing. Yes, we're thrilled. We got to see him on the ultrasound today. No, we haven't picked a name yet. Ok, I'll call you tomorrow. Here's Jason."
She passed the phone to Jason for Carly's daily check-in. At first it was annoying, but soon Sam realized how important it was for Carly to hear Jason's voice every day, just for reassurance. They had gotten really close, even if only by phone, in the last few months.
"Hey, Carly. Thanks, we're really happy. Of course you can come when the baby's born. Sam would love to have you here." The unspoken words rang in all their ears, since I won't be.
"Alright, I will. Talk to you tomorrow. I love you, too. Bye," Jason said as he ended the call. He shook his head as he handed the phone back to Sam. "Carly said to tell her new nephew that she loves him."
"Did you hear that, little man?" Sam said as she rubbed her belly. "Aunt Carly is going to come see us when you are born and she loves you already."
Jason smiled as he watched Sam talk to their baby. He was glad that she and Carly had gotten close. Sam was going to need someone to help her.
He sighed and rubbed his face. They knew it was coming. They had accepted the fact that Jason's time was coming to an end, but every day was becoming harder and harder. He hated knowing that this one thing he couldn't control was going to keep him from the family he never imagined he could have.
"I'm going to go lay down," Jason said. He tried to pull himself into a sitting position, but he didn't have the strength. Sam walked over and helped him to sit. Once he got his bearings, she helped him to stand and walked with him into the bedroom. Jason slipped off his shoes and stretched out on the bed. Sam climbed on top of the covers beside him and lay down. He rolled over on his side and put his hand on her belly. It wasn't long before she heard his breathing become deep and regular and she knew he was asleep. She slipped quietly off the bed and went into the living room, closing the bedroom door behind her. After all the activity of the day, Jason would sleep for several hours.
Sam curled up on the couch, just as she did every day when Jason slept. She put both hands over the baby.
"Hey my little man," she said with a smile. "I love you so much and so does your Daddy." She bit her lip as the tears began to fall. "How are we going to make it without him? Your Daddy loves us so much, but he has to leave us. And truthfully, Mommy doesn't feel like there's much time left." The tears were flowing freely now. The doctors hadn't expected Jason to live more than a couple of months, and it had been five.
At first, they spent all their time together, going fishing, playing in the ocean, exploring the island. As time went on, Jason got weaker and less able to do things. He tired so easily, and he had lost weight. His once strong body now seemed fragile and inadequate, and his eyes had lost their sparkle. They stuck close to the house, watching movies and spending time together, but she could feel him slipping away from her. She was thankful for every single day, but she couldn't help but begin to wonder when it was coming. She could see him getting worse every day, and it had gotten to the point where they were constantly thinking of that last moment. She curled deeper into the couch and allowed herself to grieve, not just for Jason's impending fall, but for the end of all their plans, their future together.
After a few minutes, she grabbed her phone and dialed a familiar number.
"Carly, it's me," Sam said as she broke down again. "I need to talk."
This happened almost every day during Jason's nap. Sam tried to be strong, but it was such a relief to call her friend. During the earlier call, Sam always pretended everything was fine, but then she would call back when Jason wasn't around. She would tell Carly everything – Jason's condition, her fears, her nightmares. Carly was always there for her.
Jason had dozed for an hour or so before waking up. He did that almost every day. He pulled Sam's pillow close to his body and inhaled her scent. He loved her so much it literally hurt, and he allowed himself to weep silently as he realized that he would never get to hold their little boy. He could feel it coming, like a train on a collision course. It was coming, faster and faster, until one day it would all end. They had agreed that they weren't going to dwell on the negative, and that they were going to enjoy their time together until the last possible moment. That moment was coming too soon, though, and Jason would never be ready to leave his family.
Two months later
Sam woke up with the incredible urge to pee. 'There's nothing like having a baby tap dance on your bladder to get you up and going in the morning,' she thought with a smile. Before she rose carefully from the bed, she watched to see Jason's chest rise and fall, just as she did every morning. She breathed a sigh of relief and said a silent prayer of thanks before heading for the bathroom. She brushed her teeth and pulled her hair up before she set out to straighten up the house. Carly was coming today and was planning to stay until the baby was born.
They had made it this far against all expectations, but Jason had become so weak. The trip to the obstetrician had been his last outing, and he spent most of his time in their bed.
Once she had straightened up the house, Sam went into their bedroom. She sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed Jason's arm to rouse him. His eyes fluttered open and finally focused on Sam.
"Hey," he said softly.
"Good morning," Sam said back. She leaned in for a kiss and took his hand. She smiled in surprise and placed his hand on her stomach. Jason grinned as he felt a strong kick.
"Jackson says good morning, too," Sam said with a grin of her own.
"That's amazing. I never get tired of feeling him move," Jason said in awe. "I hope I get to see his face," he said wistfully.
"Me, too," Sam said, her eyes getting misty. "I hope he has your eyes."
There was a pause as they both tried to get their composure.
Sam took a breath and blinked away the tears. "Are you ready to get a shower?"
Jason nodded and pushed the covers back. Sam went and started the shower before going back to help Jason up. She helped him to his feet and walked with him to the bathroom. He leaned heavily against the countertop as she lifted his shirt up over his head and helped him step out of his boxers. She quickly peeled off her own clothes and released her hair from the band that held it. They stepped into the shower together.
Once they were done, they dried off and dressed. Sam walked with Jason into the living room and got him settled on the couch before returning to their room and stripping the linens from the bed. She tossed them in the washer and quickly remade the bed with fresh sheets. She went into the bathroom and finished getting herself ready before going back into the living room.
Jason was napping on the couch, the shower having zapped all his energy. She pressed a kiss to his temple as she went to grab her ringing phone.
"Hey Carly," she answered. "Yeah, he's taking a nap after the shower this morning. Have you landed? Okay, I'll come pick you up. Are you sure? I don't mind. Okay, we'll see you in a few minutes. Bye."
She ended the call and went to make sure everything was ready for Carly's visit. Since Jason was constantly getting worse, they had agreed that it was time to let her finally come visit, and she would stay until Sam had the baby or went back to Port Charles with her once it was all over. He didn't want Sam to be alone, and she had promised to go back and let their friends help her. Sam had gotten the guest room ready for Carly and everything else was spotless. She blamed it on the nesting phase of her pregnancy, but really, she just enjoyed having one aspect of this whole ordeal that she was in control of.
A few minutes later, she heard the taxi pull up in front of the house. She woke Jason. "Hey, babe, Carly's here. She insisted on taking a cab from the airport."
Jason rubbed his face and let Sam help him sit up. He tried to look awake and alert, but he was so tired. He smiled though, because he was happy to see Carly. He truly had missed her.
Sam stepped out and helped Carly with her luggage. The girls sat the bags down by the door and Carly turned around to see Jason sitting on the couch. Her heart clenched when she saw the state he was in. He was thin and pale, and just looking into his eyes made her heart break.
"Oh Jase," she breathed. "I've missed you so much."
"I missed you, too, Carly," he said as he struggled to stand.
"You don't have to get up," she said as she went over to him.
"Yes, I do," he said as he wrapped her in a hug. Carly fought back the tears as she held her best friend close.
"I'm so glad you're here," he whispered. "Sam needs you – and so do I."
"I'm here," she whispered back. "And I'm not going anywhere."
She pulled away and wiped her eyes. Jason sank back onto the couch.
"Jason, I'll get you a drink. Come on, Carly, you can have the grand tour," Sam with a smile. She led Carly into the kitchen.
As soon as they got to the kitchen, Sam's smile faded and Carly put her arms around her. The women wept soundlessly for a moment before Sam pulled away. "Thank you for coming. I don't think I could do this alone much longer."
"Oh, sweetie," Carly said, squeezing her hand. "I wouldn't be anywhere else. I knew it wasn't good, but I wasn't prepared to see Jason like that."
"It's so hard," Sam agreed. "He just keeps getting weaker and weaker."
"Yeah," Carly said. "We can't give up on him yet. Jason's a fighter and he doesn't want to leave you."
Carly gave Sam a reassuring hug and they headed back into the living room. "Jase, this place is great. I can see why you and Sam love it here."
"Thanks," he said. "Just wait till you see the ocean."
They chatted for a while. Carly caught them up on all the news from Port Charles, which didn't take long since they had talked every day.
Sam and Jason had decided to tell Carly the baby's name. "Well, Aunt Carly, now that you're here, I think it's time to officially introduce you to your nephew," Sam said as she moved to sit next to Carly.
Carly squealed in excitement. "So you've picked a name?"
"We have," Jason answered. "Meet Jackson McCall Morgan."
Carly put her hands to Sam's belly. "Hi there, Jackson. I'm your Aunt Carly. It's going to be my pleasure to spoil you rotten."
They all laughed at Carly's honesty. There was no doubt that she would make sure Jackson had everything he could ever want.
The laugh caught in Jason's throat as he once again was reminded that he was going to miss out on his son's life. He cleared his throat and began to stand up. He had to get out of there, he needed to be alone.
Sam rose to help him. "You okay?" she asked noticing his weariness.
"Yeah, I just need to go lay down," he answered. She walked him to the bed and helped him lie down. She kissed him gently.
"You want me to stay with you?" Sam asked.
"No, I'm okay. Go spend some time with Carly," he answered.
"Okay," Sam answered. "I love you."
"I love you, too."
As soon as the door shut, Jason let his emotions overtake him. He was angry, so damn angry. He wanted to put his hand through a wall or throw something across the room, but he couldn't. Hell, he couldn't even bring himself to punch the pillow because it took more energy than he had.
This had always sucked. From the moment he got the diagnosis, it had been crappy all around. But lately, as his body had betrayed him and he realized that the end was close, it had become just plain cruel. When Sam had asked him to make a baby, he never thought he'd have made it this far. Now she was showing, and the baby was kicking, and he had seen his precious face on one of those 4D ultrasounds. How was he supposed to leave all this behind?
Hot tears slipped down his face as he cried himself to sleep. He awakened about an hour later to hear Sam and Carly talking in the living room. He carefully pulled himself from the bed and walked slowly toward the door. He pulled the door open soundlessly and stopped as he saw his best friend and the love of his life facing each other on the couch as tears ran down both their faces. He rested against the door frame as he listened to Sam.
"I'm just so angry, Carly. I'm so angry that this is happening. I thought that having this baby – our baby – would make it easier, but it's killing me to know that Jason won't get to hold his son. Don't get me wrong, I love Jackson and I want him more than anything, but it's not enough."
"I understand," Carly said. "You and Jason created that baby in love and now the baby's going to have to grow up without his Daddy. It's a cruel twist of fate."
Carly took a deep breath before continuing. "I have never, I mean never, seen Jason as happy as he is with you. Even now, I can see how much you two love each other and it breaks my heart. Everything about this is wrong."
"Why? Why does he have to die?" Sam cried. "We have gotten where we tiptoe all around the idea…we try to ignore it, and maybe it will go away, but when it all comes down to it, Jason's going to die. And it's going to happen soon; I can feel it. Every morning I wake up and the first thing I do is check to see if he's still breathing. Every time he takes a nap, I sit out here and wonder if this is it. I dream about it at night and worry about it all day."
"Jason hasn't given up yet, Sam. I can see it in his eyes. He doesn't want to leave you and Jackson. Remember, he's a fighter and he's the strongest person I've ever met. Don't give up on him yet," Carly said resolutely.
"Thanks," Sam said with a small smile. "You always know what to say to calm me down. I'm not ready to give up yet. I'm not ready to say goodbye."
"I'm not either," Jason said, finally making his presence known.
Sam and Carly both turned to him in surprise. Carly jumped off the couch and helped Jason come and sit with them.
Sam was a little embarrassed that he had heard her rant. She wiped her eyes and looked down at her hands. "I'm sorry, Jason," she said softly. "I –"
"Sam," he said quietly, "You don't have to apologize. Look at me."
Sam raised her eyes to meet his.
"It's okay to be sad, and angry, and worried. It's okay to feel like the world is crashing down around us. I feel it too. I am sad and worried, but mostly I'm just angry. I'm so damn angry, Sam." He reached over and took her hand. "I want to scream and yell and break things. I want to go crawl in the bed and hide from this until it goes away. But you know what I've realized?"
"What?" Sam asked.
"It's not going away," he answered sadly. "Until I make it go away. And I'm just too damn stubborn to let this thing take away the best thing I've ever had."
Sam gasped as she realized what he meant. Or at least what she hoped he meant. "Jason? Does that mean…?"
"Sam, I have tried to be okay with this, but the stakes are too high. I want to have the surgery. I want Dr. Drake to fix this so that I can stay here with you and our son."
Sam sobbed in relief at Jason's words. He took her into his arms and held her close. "Oh baby, I'm so sorry," he said. "I thought I was doing the right thing, but I've been so selfish. I was so worried about if the surgery didn't work that I wasn't considering what I had to gain if it did."
"Jase, are you sure about this?" Carly asked. "I mean, I'm all for the surgery, but I want to know that you're sure. Why the sudden change of heart?"
"I'm sure. I've just been so stupid about the whole thing," he said with a sigh. "I don't want to end up in a coma, but if the surgery works, I get to have my life back."
Sam was so happy she didn't know what to do. "I'm going to go call Dr. Drake and see how soon he can schedule it, okay?" Jason nodded at her with a smile. Carly moved to sit next to Jason on the couch.
"Thank you," she whispered, taking his hand in hers.
"For what?" he asked.
"I'm selfish, too. I couldn't bear the thought of losing you. I came here expecting to tell you goodbye, Jason. Forever. I just can't do it."
"You don't have to," Jason assured her. "I'm not going anywhere."
Sam hung up the phone. "Okay, Dr. Drake wants us back in Port Charles tomorrow. As soon as we get there and get settled, he wants to start your pre-op and then he will operate the next morning at 7 am."
Jason was a bit overwhelmed. He took a deep breath and let it out. "Okay," he said. "I'm ready to get it over with."
Jason emerged from the bedroom an hour later to hear that the house was quiet. That was odd because with both Sam and Carly around, things were never quiet.
"Sam?" he called weakly as he headed to the couch. He stopped in his tracks as a sharp pain attacked his head. "Carly?" he gasped. He felt a familiar feeling coming over him and reached out to steady himself on the back of the armchair.
Carly leapt from her chair at Jason's call. She left her book there on the porch as she went toward the house. She threw open the door and saw Jason collapse to the floor.
"JASON!" she screamed as she ran across the room. She dropped to the ground beside him and pulled his head into her lap. "Jason, please," she cried as she patted his face, "please wake up." She noticed the blood coming from his nose and knew that it wasn't good. She dialed 911 quickly and reported the emergency.
Sam entered the house at that moment and dropped the bags of takeout at her feet when she saw Carly and Jason on the floor. She awkwardly jogged across the room and fell to her knees.
"What happened?" she cried.
"I – I don't know," Carly sobbed. "I was out on the porch and I heard him call for me. I ran in here, but it was too late. I think he had a seizure."
"Jason?" Sam said firmly as she caressed his face. "Jason! No! You can't do this!"
Jason stirred and attempted to open his eyes. "Sam," he whispered.
"Hey, babe," Sam said, smiling through her tears. "I'm here. You're going to be okay. We're going to get you to Port Charles and you're going to be just fine."
Jason's eyes slipped closed again. "Jason! Wake up!" Sam said hysterically. "You can't give up yet, okay?" She grabbed his hand. "Okay?"
She paused as she waited, hoping he'd wake up again. "No," she whispered brokenly. "This can't be it. He was going to have the surgery. We were going to get our life back."
Sam put Jason's hand on her belly. "Jase, do you feel that?" she asked. "That's your son. He needs his Daddy so you can't give up yet. Dammit, do not give up on us!"
Carly put her arm around Sam's shoulders and held her as she cried.
Six weeks later
"Come on, Sam," Carly said as she held her friend's hand. "You can do this. You have to push."
"I can't do it, Carly!" she cried. "Not without Jason, I just can't!"
"You have to, Sam. For Jason. He wouldn't want you to give up," Carly assured her as she brushed the hair off Sam's forehead. "It's time to meet Jackson."
"No," she moaned. "He deserves to be here. He should be here when his son is born!"
"I know, sweetie, but he can't be here. He tried his best, but he just wasn't able to make it," Carly said sadly.
Just then the door burst open and Jason appeared.
"Sam, baby, I'm sorry I'm late. I broke every speed limit to get here," he said as he rushed to her side.
Carly gave him a grateful smile, then a scowl. "I am so going to kill Sonny," she muttered.
"What was that?" Sam asked.
"Oh, nothing," Carly said with a fake smile. "I just said I'm so glad Jason's here."
Just then another contraction hit and Sam gave a final push. Moments later she was holding Jackson McCall Morgan in her arms. She scooted over and Jason joined her on the bed.
"I'm so sorry I was late," Jason said as he kissed his son's head. "I'd hate to know I missed this."
"It's okay," Sam said with a smile. "You made it, and that's what's important. Where did Carly go?"
"She went to go call Sonny and chew him out for sending me to Chicago."
Sam laughed. "Well, the baby did come early. He didn't know any better."
"Well, you know Carly," Jason said with a smile.
"She's just worried about us," Sam said. "Since you left yesterday morning, she's been hovering. And she was worried about you going back to work so soon after the surgery. You're still getting your strength back."
"I'm fine," he assured her. "I'm feeling good and Sonny sent me to Chicago because it was an easy job."
"Good," she said. "Cause I'm not ready to let you go just yet," she said as she snuggled in closer to him.