I wrote a letter in my mind, but the words were so unkind,
Shame – Gary Barlow and Robbie Williams
Theta,
Of course you're never going to hear this because of the minor detail of you leaving the planet. I'm not bitter or anything. Of course not. No, why would I be? It's not like you were the first and only person I let close. It's not like you were the only person I ever dared love. That I ever trusted. You knew how I felt about you and yet you still walked away. Hell you didn't even walk, you sprinted to the nearest TARDIS and went as far as possible. How's it feel out there Theta? Is it everything we dreamt of and more?
It hurt didn't it? Leaving me hurt a lot. It hurt me. That connection we had? That bond between our minds and our hearts, the undeniable prove that we loved each other, broke, didn't it? Oh how that hurt. When that happened I was curled up on the floor clutching my head, screaming and even crying from the pain. Everything hurt, every atom of my being was screaming in protest against it. And do you know what my single comfort was? The only thing that made me feel just the tiniest bit better while that was happening? Wanna know what that was? It was knowing that you were going through exactly the same thing as me. It was picturing you and I've pictured it so many times and it's oh-so-clear in my head.
Firstly, you're in the stolen TARDIS, wondering around, beaming at your new found freedom. Oh so happy that you broke the hearts of the person you were always telling you loved, always telling you would stick by no matter what. You're happy, grinning, getting to know your TARDIS. Probably talking to her because it's you. And you're happy. At the start you're always happy. That's important.
Then you set the controls, probably blindly because let's face it you never were that great at actually paying attention in lectures were you? It's a wonder really that you weren't failing everything really. Anyway, you press the buttons and manage to set some controls. Probably aiming for Earth because again, this is you we're talking about. And the TARDIS sets into motion. And now this is where it gets fun.
You're holding on tight because you're expecting the TARDIS to give you a bumpy ride but it's not enough, because as soon as you press the last button and the TARDIS hits the vortex you're thrown to the ground and it has nothing to do with how fast the TARDIS is moving, or any sharp turns it feels like she's taking. It's because your head is burning, you're clutching at your head, clawing at it, desperately trying to stop it hurting. And it spreads through your whole body, until you're curled up small on the TARDIS ground. You're screaming and you're crying and you're hurting and you're alone and no one cares, no one can help you. The tears are streaming down your face and the only time you stop screaming is when your voice becomes hoarse and you literally cannot scream anymore. You stop crying only when you pass out from the pain.
It's such a beautiful image. Poetic justice is it not? We caused each other so much pain while we were together so when you betrayed me and left we caused each other the ultimate pain. I'm not going to deny the fact that I deserved that pain. I know I did, but so did you. I hurt you Theta, I hurt you a lot because you deserved it, because you needed it, because you said you loved me enough to take it, because you said you understand, because it was necessary. I never denied what I was, Theta, I never denied what I was becoming. I knew the drums were changing me, I knew I stopped being that sweet, scared little boy you first know. I KNEW THAT ALL ALONG. And so did you. I never lied to you Theta. I never once said one word to you that was untrue. I never misled you. NOT ONCE
I swear to Rassilon right now, Theta, you should be glad you aren't stood in front of me. If you were I would hit you so hard that you would lose consciousness right there and then. You would fall to the ground, and I'd let you fall, hoping you hit your head on something on the way down. I hate you, now, Theta, I hate you more than I've ever hated anyone on this planet, and you know that's saying something. Because all of them are like me, my Dad the complete bastard he is, at least he never claimed to love me, at least he never gained me trust and used it to destroy me. You're worse than him, Theta, you're worse. You lied, you used me, you made me trust you, made me love you. And worse than all of that you made me feel like I was worth loving and then you took that away. You proved it wasn't the case.
Don't come back, Theta, don't you dare come back. I know, now, Theta, I know that the drums were right. They were right. I don't need to fight them. They don't have to be my enemy. They can be my best friend. They can help me. I can work with them. Everything will be perfect now. I have control, I am in control, I'm stronger now because of what you did. I know now that's there's no such thing as love, I know that caring makes you weak, vulnerable, it's better not to care. It's stronger. Don't come back, Theta, don't ever come back. Because I swear the next time I see you I'll make those beatings that made you leave seem like the scabs of a pre-Academy kid falling over.
See it all makes sense now Theta, it all makes perfect sense and my head doesn't hurt anymore because I am the drums. Koschei's gone now Theta, Koschei's dead and buried. He died hating you. He died because of you. Koschei's gone, I. Am. The. Master