Broken
Disclaimer: I do not own the Bible.
"You sad, pathetic man!
See where you've brought us to?
Our ideals die around us, and all because of you.
And the saddest cut of all
Someone had to turn you in.
Like a common criminal, like a wounded animal."
-Judas, Jesus Christ Superstar
I gazed up at the cold stars as they twinkled, in their silent place in the sky. The night was cold, so I drew my cloak closer to myself. The night was silent, except for the sound of my sandaled feet on the ground. All the while, my mind was reeling with questions.
Should I really do this? What would be the consequences of my actions?
I paused, and heaved a sigh. The weight of the thirty silver coins in my purse seemed to be holding me down. I clutched the heavy purse with my left hand. Was this money really worth abandoning the ideals I had lived for during these past three years?
Once again, my questions remained unanswered. I shook my head, and kept on walking. My life had become a whole different story these past three years. Giving up what I had certainly wasn't easy, yet I was so eager to give it all up. I gave up a relatively comfortable life, for what I had now. And what did I have to show for it? Nothing!
What have I felt these past three years? Regret? Perhaps. Disappointment? Here I stopped walking, and remembered the man I was three years ago. I was not the man I used to be. I had changed. I had grown wiser, I told myself. And I wasn't easily fooled now.
Was I that eager? That naïve? Were my eyes too unopened back then, that I didn't see the truth?
I was blind, so foolish. I was so out of touch with reality. Why did I think this Carpenter would be a great Prophet, or even better, the Messiah? He was no different from any other man. He felt the same pains, laughed at the same jokes, and knew what it was to be disappointed.
But He cared too much. He would not talk to us of power, or plans to overthrow the Romans. He spoke to us, rather, of peace, equality, and a Kingdom I couldn't see. I longed to see the same spirit I saw when I was called by Him.
His words, 'Follow Me!' still remained fresh in my mind. With that, I left. I had not held anything back. I kept telling myself, This is the one, He who would save us all!
Now, we had traveled for three years. We had seen many signs performed by Him, and His followers grew in numbers day by day. But, so did His enemies. When we walked the streets, I could feel their eyes following us. And it was by our own people that caused Him to weep with grief once. Was it disappointment or perhaps exhaustion? I didn't know.
There never came a day that I feared for our lives. Never came a day that I feared the coldness of the Roman spear at my neck. I wanted us to live, but none of that seemed to matter to Him.
Death seemed so near. But no one seemed to care. All were drunk with the lofty ideals of an unseen Kingdom to notice. It's difficult among Men; you couldn't be too sure who your enemies are. People lie, I knew that for a fact. Foolish ones! Was I the only one who knew what was going on? When was this travesty going to end? When will the plans for the liberation of Israel going to arise, when we're cold and dead?
Who is He? Is He the one you have thought Him to be, or is He another radical idealist who gives false hope to the foolish?
I climbed the stairs leading to the Upper Room. They were waiting for me, I knew. Taking a moment, I caught my breath and gently knocked on the door. A few seconds later, James answered the door. Seeing me, his dark face broke into a smile.
"Where have you been, Judas? We've been waiting for you!"
I smiled uneasily, and let myself in. I was greeted by my comrades, as I seated myself. The laughter died down, when He entered the room. Taking His place at the center of the table, our mood became more solemn.
This night was unlike any other. For on this night, we were slaves no more. Liberated from the bondage of slavery, no longer oppressed by our masters.
I studied their faces, taking in each expression. How oblivious they were of what was to happen! So unaware of the trap that would soon befall them.
This was the end, the end of our friendship. After this night, we would all be scattered. Some may weep, others would fall. One thing was for certain, it would all be over soon.
This was how we were. Our fellowship was a colorful mixture of different personalities. And through these differences, we had found each other's trust. There was Peter. Hardy fisherman, with an unwavering loyalty. One could see the fierce determination burning in those eyes of his. He would remain strong before the end.
Then there was John, the youngest in the lot. He was but a young sapling compared to us. He had proven his worth for one so young, and so new to the world. Like Peter, his faith was strong, as was his temper. It was his love for the Master that would prove loyal through the end.
James was another force to be dealt with. Like his young brother, he had a fiery temper. Matched with his resiliency, he would be one of those who would keep the faith.
Andrew. Thomas. Matthew. Simon. Their faces had become a blur. Will they all fade away once the end had come? Or will they somehow prove themselves, and remain loyal even in the end?
I studied their faces. All had shown extraordinary perseverance these past three years. Yes, there had been a few doubts before, yet here they were. What was on their minds? Did they really believe that a kingdom awaited them?
An uneasy silence hung in the air, as we ate dinner. Then, He broke the silence with a chilling revelation. "One of you dining here will betray me."
He said this in a voice wrought with fear. For the first time, His face paled in fright. Did He sense that the end was near?
Everyone grew uneasy, throwing suspicious glances at each other. One question played in their minds. Was it true, one of the Twelve chosen will betray Him?
Without a word, He dipped a piece of bread into the sauce, and handed it to me. As I took it, my heart pounded, and turned to face Him. He looked at me with those sad eyes, burning into mine. I couldn't stand it any longer. Rising from my seat, I stormed out of the room, amidst the confused stares of my comrades. He knew. He knew what was going to happen!
I stood there in the cold night. I lifted my head, and gazed up once again at the stars. Did I really want to do this? I felt a hand touch my shoulder. I whirled around, and saw Him. Silently, He handed me my cloak, which I had left inside.
Why did He still care so much, when He knew the truth? He had seen the real me, and yet here He was still being so concerned.
Angrily, I grabbed the cloak. "You foolish man! See what you have done? You have led us all into a web of lies these past three years, and nobody knows what's real!" I felt anger burning inside of me, or was it disappointment? I did not know.
"Someone has to stop you. You're going to be the death of us all!" I choked.
He looked at me once again. I tried to study his expression. There was no anger or fear, only sadness. "Do it then, my friend." He said, in a voice that was barely above a whisper.
"What?" I looked at Him questioningly.
"Do what you must," He repeated.
I couldn't believe His words. Why was He so calm, when I was key to sealing His fate? He was just a man, yet He scared me so. I was afraid to look back into those sad, gentle eyes of His.
I raised my head, "Your ideals seemed so irresistible back then. But now, you must be stopped. Why won't you stop me?" I asked.
He didn't answer me. Instead, His voice grew firm, as if He wanted all this to happen. "Go now, they are waiting for you!" Saying this, I saw that tears had fallen down His face.
Did He really want to be arrested? Was He tired of the monotony that surrounded Him for three years, and He somehow wanted to end it all? Or was this a part of a plan made long ago?
"Go now, my friend…" He whispered, a peaceful look played on His face.
I felt a lump form in my throat. "You're a fool…" I cried. With that, I turned to leave. I still felt His eyes following me, so I broke into a run without turning back. And as I did, the dead stars seemed to weep in their eternal place in the heavens…
A/N: I know it kind of has the JCS feel to it. I wanted to give Judas a more human face. Constructive criticism would be most appreciated. Thank you so much!