Author's Note:
Well, here it is. Another installment of Magnus and the Wonderful World of Crack. *sigh* I need to get a life... well, this one takes place in the ever-annoying world of, you've guessed it:
Caillou.
Enjoy the crack.
PS: That grandmother's voice is in italics. Also, Magnus is the only one who can hear her.
Magnus was asleep on his couch, dreaming about people and places getting blown to smithereens. Only problem was that it was midday, and Soren didn't like for people to be alseep midday when they could be out doing more meaningful things with their lives. So Soren decided that Magnus needed a wake-up call.
With a fish.
Magnus woke up with a sardine in his mouth. It almost made him gag, but he was strong. After rinsing out the filthy aroma, he decided that a cookie would've done him some good. So he went to get a cookie, but then had a horrible flashback of his trip to Dora's dimension and decided to get one of the freshly-baked (or crafted) cookies from the tray on the counter. But when he started eating a cookie, he heard something horrible.
"I'll get you yet, Magnus!" He looked up and saw the cookie jar scowling down on him. Magnus tried to make a run for it and made a lame attempt to jump over the kitchen sink. He hit his leg on the countertop and landed on his face on the other side. Then, believe it or not, the cookie jar grew arms and legs, walked over to Magnus, and gave him a hearty punch to the face.
Lights out.
Magnus slowly awoke with a moan. Then, he looked up and saw that where he was sitting definately wasn't home. Everything seemed painted, and as he stared off to the depths of what he figured was a page, he saw that the paint faded to white. He was in a stupid looking room, sitting on the floor.
"Where am I now?" He asked himself before a little bald-headed kid rushed into the room crying.
"I WANT TO GO TO THE CIRCUS!" He wailed at the top of his lungs before bawling into Magnus's chest. Awkwardly, Magnus started patting him on the back.
"Uh... listen, kid... cryin' ain't gonna do anything about your problem here... why don't you-" Before Magnus could give the baldy life-advice, the kid rushed out of his arms, grabbing the nearest toy car which he drove aggressively across the floor before the wheel broke.
"Silly old car! Silly, silly!" He then chunked this car at Magnus's face. Luckily, Magnus was wearing his space-helmet so the impact wasn't so tough... at least not on the outside.
It was all repeating itself. The cookies, the head impact, the awakening into a new dimension, the creepy kids. His eye twitched, his mouth hanging open, his body beginning to convulse. The kid noticed and ran downstair calling for him mommy. Then, Magnus passed out from the stress he was in.
About an hour later, Magnus woke up in a hospital. That bald kid was there staring at him anticipatedly when he awoke.
"Uh... what happened?" He asked as a woman in a red shirt walked into the room.
"We found you asleep on the floor in my son Caillou's room. He said that you randomly went to sleep which isn't healthy for you, so we took you to the hospital." She explained.
Magnus was confused. He didn't know what was going on.
"Who the- Wh-where is that voice coming from?!" Magnus shouted, looking around the room in a frenzy.
Magnus was scared. He didn't know where the voice was coming from.
"There it is again! THERE IT IS AGAIN!" Magnus screamed.
"Calm down, sir. You're just imagining things. It's never good to let your imagination get the best of you." A guy with a green shirt and ugly blue pants advised. Magnus looked at Caillou's parents, then back at Caillou. Then at his parents. Then at Caillou. Then at Caillou's parents. Then at Caillou. Then his parents. Then Caillou. And his parents and Caillou and his parents and Caillou and his parents. Then back at Caillou.
"Uhh... why doesn't he have hair?" Magnus asked slowly. Caillou's parents looked at each other, then back at Magnus.
"Well... I, uh..."
"Actually, it's because he..."
"Silly old car! Silly, silly!" Caillou was at it again with the car. Magnus rolled his eyes and was about to get out of his bed when the doctor came in.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir, but you can't leave." She told him, pushing Magnus back into the bed. He gave her a look, but she smiled back as if nothing on earth was wrong.
"Well why is that?" Magnus grumbled.
"Well, in every baby-show, the main protagonist has to spend at least three days in the hospital so that every episode is at least thirty minutes."
"What?! That doesn't make any sense!" Magnus shouted.
"Calm down, sir. I have to give you your shots." The doctor was suddenly holding a quite intimidatingly large needle filled with a strange green fluid. Magnus's eyes widened.
"No thanks."
Magnus was creeped out. He thought that things in his nonexistent dimensional adventures were changing for the worse. He figured that maybe now these "characters" had the upper hand.
"It won't hurt a bit. I promise." She lied to him. Magnus scoffed, rolling his eyes before he pulled out a block of handy-dandy TNT and exploded the doctor's face. Then, he turned on Caillou and his parents and blasted them to smithereens. At that point, Rosie entered the room.
"Mommy, Daddy, Caillou!" She cried as she saw their exploded bodies on the floor. Magnus felt a pang of remorse when he realized that the child would now be an orphan for the rest of her life, so he picked up the screaming, writhing child, stuffed her into a burlap sack, and was off.
After a few minutes of walking, he found a schoolhouse which looked so pathetic and stupid so he figured that she belonged there somehow. He knocked on the doors and was met with a prepp-looking teacher with the ugliest hairdo he had ever seen.
"Uuh... hey... I, uh... got something that you might want to see." He opened the bag and showed her Rosie who was cuddled into a ball. The teacher gaped at the sight.
"You killed her family?!" She shouted after Magnus had finished explaining himself. Magnus nodded. "You must be punished!" She pulled out a remote control and pressed a few buttons. Then, Caillou popped up next to Magnus. "You have to be their father!" She shouted frustratedly. Magnus flinched.
"No way in the Nether!" He shouted back.
"You have to! For three days!" She yelled, tears forming in her eyes.
"Well who's gonna be the mom?! I can't watch these two goofballs for three whole days! I'll go mad and blow this place up!"
"Well then, I'll send you a heck of a mother, gammit!"
Magnus was surprised. This place, while he would've gladly left, was far more interesting than Dora. Magnus was scared. He was hearing that annoying voice again. Magnus was angry. He wanted it to stop.
The teacher pressed another button and in an instant Olivia was standing right next to him. While he wouldn't have wanted Ellegaard on his side anyways, he was quite surprised that fate had picked Olivia.
"Where am I?" She asked rubbing her head.
"You picked her?!"
"Picked me for what exactly?"
"Well, now you're set." The teacher walked into the classroom and shut the door. Magnus looked at Caillou, then Rosie, then Olivia who stared back at him confusedly.
"Magnus? You're in my dream?"
"Well... yes...?" He half-answered half-asked. "Uh... Olivia... meet our kids, I guess."
"Our kids?! What does that make me and you, then?!" Magnus quickly looked away.
Olivia felt embarrassed. She didn't want to be married to Magnus. In reality, she wanted to be with A-
"Shut up, voice from the sky! No one else needs to hear that but me!" Olivia shouted over the grandma's voice. She looked back at Magnus who stared at her with a shocked face.
"You hear it too?"
"Yes... and what's this whole 'kids for the day' thing? I still have yet to... you know... so how could this be?"
"Well... uh..."
Magnus felt embarrassed. He didn't want to tell Olivia that he had blown up Caillou's family.
"You blew up Caillou's family?! Is THAT why I'm in this mess?!"
"N-no... yes...?"
"Mommy, Daddy-"
"DON'T CALL US THAT!"
Caillou and Rosie felt sad. Magnus and Olivia felt defensive. I feel hungry, so I'm going to eat a cucumber sandwich. *you hear loud munching noises*
"GGAAAAHH!" Magnus quickly covered his ears.
*loud burp* I'm not hungry any more... everyone felt bad. But little did Magnus and Olivia know that if they ever wanted to get back home, they would have to care for Caillou and Rosie.
Olivia scowled angrily at Magnus, who shrugged in respsonse.
Olivia felt angry.
"Yah think?!" Olivia groaned out loud, grabbing Caillou and Rosie by the arms and dragging them into a car.
((Time skip, brought to you by Itscartooncookie))
When Olivia, Caillou, Rosie, and Magnus got home, Caillou felt hungry.
"Mommy, can I have some spaghetti?" He asked Olivia in that annoying voice. Olivia statically glared at Caillou, his voice like a trigger making her want to beat his bald head like a boxing-bag.
"No. You're getting a sandwich." She replied. Caillou stared at her, standing stock-still for a moment.
"I don't want a sandwich." He replied smartly, folding his arms in sticking out his lips.
"Well, you're getting a sandwich and that's that." Caillou fell onto the ground, flailing his arms and legs as he screamed. Soon, Rosie got the idea and did the same thing, but not because she was upset, but because Caillou was doing it.
"My Notch, Caillou. You're such a basket case!" Magnus shouted.
"I DON'T WANT A SANDWICH! I DON'T WANT A SANDWICH!"
"Stop being such a baby, Caillou! A sandwich isn't gonna kill you, for Notch's sake!" Olivia explained annoyedly, but to her dismay, the boy's screaming only grew louder.
Olivia grabbed Caillou and threw him at the door, which opened and he landed right in a timeout chair.
"Good aim." Magnus muttered under his breath. Rosie was still on the floor throwing a fit, but, seeing Caillou being thrown through the door, allowed an invisible force to fling her into the living room.
"Siddown, you no good whiney-baby!"
"WAAAH! WWAAAAHH!" Olivia rubbed her head.
"Okay, Magnus... you watch them, and I'll make sandwiches, whatever those are..." (You must remember that in Minecraftia, there are no sandwiches... or patties, or hot dogs or chips.) Magnus nodded and went to sit in a chair. Caillou was being a brat, as usual. Magnus decided to ignore Caillou for just a little bit before Caillou found a toy car.
"Silly old car! Silly! Silly!"
"Hey! No toys in the timeout chair!" Magnus shouted before snatching the car from Caillou.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" It sounded like a wolf scratching a chalk-board, Caillou's wailing. Instinctively, Magnus grabbed Caillou, ran into a room, tossed him onto the bed, and closed the door which he hoped and prayed was soundproof.
"IT'S DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARK! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
So much for the door being soundproof. Magnus groaned aloud.
"Are those sandwiches ready, Olivia?" He shouted from the hallway.
"No! I can't seem to get the sand onto the witch. Who would wanna eat something like this?!" A loud cracking noise was heard, followed by something like water dripping onto the floor. Momentarily, Olivia rounded the corner with a tray of witch-flesh sprinkled with sand. Magnus quickly averted his gaze.
"Well someone chose the wrong day to wear white." Olivia looked down and saw that her white clothes... were no longer white... She sighed in dismay.
"I'll just make them some ham." She muttered to herself as she walked away. Then, a loud bang was heard and Caillou rushed out of his father's room with a shotgun.
"Look at this new toy!" He chimed, aiming right at Rosie's face. Then, BANG!
Luckily, Magnus had kicked Rosie out of the way in the darned nick of time before she could get bangaranged, and the bullet went through the wall and outside.
"Stop it! I was trying to try my new toy on Rosie!" He explained. "Nevermind, I'll just try it on you, Daddy." BANG! Luckily, once again, Magnus's armor was quite bulletproof, so there wasn't much damage done... to him, anyways. The bullet ricocheted onto a randomly bulletproofed section of the wall, right through Rosie's ugly hair, continually back and forth between two pots and pans and out the window. A loud cry of pain was heard. "Oops..."
"Oops? OOPS?! OOPS IS THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?!" With that loud scream, Magnus took the gun and broke it with his bare hands. "GO SIT IN THE TIMEOUT CHAIR, YOU BALD LITTLE HITMAN!" He screamed furiously.
"I don't wa-" Magnus grabbed Caillou by the arms, shaking him vehemently.
"WHAT DON'T YOU GET?! I DON'T GIVE A FLYIN' FLIP WHAT YOU WANT OR DON'T WANT! YOU HAVE! TO LISTEN! TO ME! NOW SIDDOWN, AND STAY THERE FOR THE REST OF YOUR HORRID LIFE!" Magnus slammed Caillou into the chair.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Magnus grabbed Caillou and threw him at Rosie.
"STOP CRYING!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
"I SAID 'STOP CRYING'!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"
Magnus pulled a chest out of his inventory, placing it on the ground. Then, he folded Caillou into a pretzel and stuffed him in. After shutting the chest, he put an anvil on top of it. One could still barely hear Caillou's pathetic wails after Magnus was done.
"Where Caillou?" Asked a dazed Rosie as she regained her footing.
"In there." He patted the chest. Rosie smiled, the underdeveloped three year old she was, and ran to the chest.
"Caillou? Where are you, Caillou?" She sang sweetly. The crying had stopped. Magnus took the anvil off the chest and slowly opened the chest. Caillou was curled into a ball, his eyes ten-times their normal size.
"Uhh... yeah..." Magnus pulled Caillou out of the box. "Hello? Is anyone still in there?" Magnus snapped his fingers in Caillou's face.
"Maybe that's what happens if you fold someone into a pretzel..." Olivia reasoned.
"Serves him right."
So Magnus and Olivia continued to watch Caillou. Then I, the author, got writer's block and ended the story. Until another time, that is...
Author's Note:
Sorry, kind of got writer's block around the end. I tried for randomness, but failed kind of... maybe 3.0 (or 2.x) will be crazier.