5. Seeking Solace
It's not my fault, I keep trying to tell myself, but no matter how many times I say it, I still can't believe it. Every time I say it all I can see are those poor souls, being carved over and over again. Why couldn't I be stronger? The worst part is that I can't even talk to anyone about it, if I thought that I was able to. Who could I tell? Not Sammy. What would he think of me when he found out I tortured hundreds of souls because I was too weak to take it? Maybe it would help him. "Hey Sammy, guess what? I'm the evil one, don't worry." Yeah right, he'd think I'm a monster and run the other way. Anna didn't though. She understood and told me there were people who would listen. Did she mean Sammy? Does she know something I don't?
Dean's mind wandered back to that moment with Anna. Dean was leaning on the hood of his car, a book and a light in front of him. The nice was peaceful and quiet, and if it wasn't for all of the stuff with the angels and demons he probably would have enjoyed it. All of a sudden he was aware of a sound resembling footsteps. He looked up and saw Anna approaching, arms crossed and red hair blowing in the gentle breeze. "Hey," he said, "holding up okay?" Once he knew who it was he went back to his reading.
"Trying," Anna answered.
"Yeah," Dean agreed.
"A little scared I guess." Anna paused for a second, thinking of the best words to say what she wanted to. "So, um... Dean?" Dean could tell that she wanted to talk, so he stood up and looked at her. "I just wanted to thank you."
"For what?"
"Everything... you guys, you didn't have to help me."
"Lets can the... thanks for trying speech, you know? Participation trophies suck ass," Dean laughed, trying to lighten the mood.
"I don't know. Maybe I don't deserve to be saved."
"Don't talk like that."
"I disobeyed; Lucifer disobeyed. It's our murder one and I knew it, maybe I gotta pay."
"Yeah, well... we've all done things we gotta pay for."
Sits down on the hood of the car. "I gotta tell you something... you're not gonna like it."
"Okay what?"
"About a week ago, I heard the angels talking... about you," Dean raised his eyebrows in surprise. "What you did in Hell. Dean.. I know." Dean swallowed hard and looked around, wanting more than anything to avoid subject he knew was coming up. Anna, knowing how Dean feels, raised her hand and gently touched his face. Dean started for a second, but then realized that it was meant to comfort him and he allowed it. "It wasn't your fault, you should forgive yourself."
Dean lowered his gaze, suddenly unable to look her in the eyes. "Anna I don't-I don't wanna-um- I don't- I can't talk about that."
"I know, but when you can you have people that wanna help you are not alone. That's all I'm trying to say." Dean didn't know what to say, so he just stood there. Then Anna stood up and kissed him.
* * *
The hunt is over, Sammy and I are safe, I should be happy. I just can't stop thinking about Anna and what she said. If Anna, an angel, understood what I did in Hell, wouldn't Sam? Anna didn't even really know me, and Sam's my blood. Sam and I have been through everything together, surely he'd understand?
Sam sitting on hood, Dean leaning on it. "I can't believe we made it outta there."
"Again" Clink bottles, drink
"I know you heard him."
"Who?"
"Alistair... What he said... about how... I had promise."
"I heard him."
"You're not curious?"
"Dean, I'm damn curious but... you're not talking about hell and I'm not pushing," Sam replied as Dean took a drink.
Sam took a drink and Dean, after a brief pause, said, "It wasn't four months you know."
"What?" Sam asked, confused.
"It was four months up here, but down there... I don't know time was different. It was more like forty years."
"My God."
"They uh, they sliced and... carved... and tore at me in ways that you..." Dean stopped, unable to find the right words to explain the horror. "Until there was nothing left. And then suddenly... I would be whole again... like magic. Just so they could start in all over. And Alistair at the end of every day... every one... he would come over... and he would make me an offer. To take me off the rack... if I put souls on. If I started the torturing... and everyday I told him to stick it where the sun shines. For thirty years I told him..." Dean, who had been trying so hard to hold the tears back, couldn't control them anymore. Sam watched as his brother recounted the horrible memories with tears just rolling steadily down his face. "…but then I couldn't do it anymore Sammy. I couldn't. And I got off that rack, God help me I got right off it... and I started ripping 'em apart. I lost counta how many souls. Th-the things that I did to them..."
"Dean..." Sam began then cleared his throat, using the time to find the right words that would comfort his brother. " Dean look you held out for thirty years that's longer than anyone woulda."
"How I feel. This... inside me. I wish I couldn't feel anything Sammy. I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing."
* * *
Sammy and I sat there until I was in control of my emotions once again. Anna had been right, there were people who would listen. And as much as I hate to admit it, telling Sammy did help. We haven't really talked about what I did since then, but knowing that he knows and doesn't think any lower of me is what I needed. Thank you, Anna.