THis is Veronica's POV. I guess it's somewhere in season 3. AU. I'm completely Duncan/Veronica. I Always liked Logan/Lilly (but since she's dead that's something that's never happening.)
Please review.
disclaimer: Don't own Veronica Mars. You never thought your life would be like this.
You stare at the book in front of you. You should be studying but the words just don't seem to make sense. You keep thinking of the life you thought you'd have. Of the things you'd always imagined doing. How the four of you would be together. Forever.
How wrong you were.
You look up. You can't concentrate anyway. Piz is sitting next to you. He doesn't look up. A part of you feels like he should. They always knew. Duncan, Lilly, Logan and Ronnie. They always knew when something was wrong with the other one. You feel somebody's eyes on you. Logan is looking at you from the other table. For a second your eyes meet.
And you know he understand.
He was probably thinking about the same future. The one you should have. The one you should be living. Instead you're sitting at the library. Not even at the same table. He smiles at you and you smile back. Just for a second. And then it's over.
You never thought your life would be like this.
But it is.
You vowed never to make your mother's mistakes.
Those mistakes that destroyed your life. Those mistakes that haunt you. If only she'd stayed away from Jake. Duncan would be sitting next to you. Logan might be sitting at the same table. It wouldn't be what it should have been but it would be close. That's the life you should have had.
Somebody takes your hand and you look up. Piz.
Guilt washes over you. You wish you could do something about it. But you can't. This isn't your fault. She's the one who made the mistakes. The mistakes that led you here. The mistakes that brought you to the path you're waling on now. He smiles at you and you try to smile back. You don't know if you really did. You don't know if it matters.
You vowed never to make your mother's mistakes.
But you are.
It's guilt you feel when he kisses you.
Guilt and not love. And you know it. But you can't go back. Duncan is gone. There is no turning around. This is the path you're walking on. This is the live you're living. If only she and Jake had kept their hands of each other. You wouldn't be here right now.
But that's what happened. And you can't change it.
He squeezes your hand but you still don't look up. You can't look up. You can't look him in the eye. You wonder if he sees it. The guilt. He probably thinks you're still in love with Logan. How wrong he is. You don't know if you ever were. You don't know if he ever was.
It's a guilt that over powers you. But you just can't stop thinking about Duncan.
You never will.
You know he's looking at you.
But you don't look up. Suddenly you pull your hand back and start to gather all your stuff. You mumble something about meeting Wallace. Then you just walk away. You don't look him in the eye. You don't kiss him goodbye. You know they're all looking at you as you walk away. All except for Logan.
Because he simply knows.
Memories of Duncan fill your mind. It's happening more often now and you know why. The anniversary of your first date is coming up. You wish you could stop thinking about him. You wish you could forget him. But you can't. You wonder if this is what your mother felt about Jake. In the end it doesn't matter. Even if she did she shouldn't have done what she did.
She marked her life. As well as yours.
And there's nothing you can do about it.
You never thought it would be like this.
Somehow you never considered the possibility of them not being there. You should have, but you didn't. It's not like your life is that bad either. You have Wallace. You have Mac. You have Weevil. You just wish you had them to. It takes you a long time before you remember you have Piz to. You hate yourself for what you're doing.
You're with Piz. But you love Duncan.
Somehow you turned to be exactly like your mother. Or at least going that way. But you can't stop. You don't want to stop. You refuse to feel guilty about wishing that Duncan was by your side. Or about the fact that when you go to sleep his face is the last thing you see. And it's him you dream about.
But you do feel guilty about doing this to Piz.
You just don't see a reason to change it.
You feel his presence before you see it.
It was always like this. Somehow when one of you arrived the others always knew they were there. Without looking up. He sits down next to you and for a long time neither of you speaks. You wish it could stay like this. This is how it was once. But you know it won't.
It hasn't been like that for a long time.
'I miss him to.' You don't answer him. You know he does. You also know he understands. You just don't know what to say. 'I miss her. I miss us.' You still don't answer. Tears are shining in your eyes but you don't cry. You haven't cried in front of him in a long time. 'we'll find a way to fix it Ronnie.'
You look up startled. He's as surprised as you are.
He hasn't called you Ronnie in a long time. At least not like he used to. A soft smile appears on your face. And for a second it feels like it once was. Like you're two friends sitting on a bench laughing about stupid things. Waiting for Lilly and Duncan to come. But they never will. He takes your hand and smiles to.
For a second it feels like it used to.
You just wish it would last.
You vowed never to make your mother's mistakes.
So don't make them was all Logan said. You'll find a way out of this. There's a way to fix this. There has to be. He doesn't tell you how to fix it. He's not really sure himself. But there is a way. You can't bring Lilly back. You can't give him his happiness. But you can bring Duncan back.
You just don't know how.
You sit on that bench for a long time. Two friends that have finally found each other. After all the pain. After all the betrayal. They're finally were they were before. Where they should have always been. Two friends. Best friends.
Like it always should have been.
You don't know how long you've been sitting there.
Logan has left a while ago. Not because he doesn't care. There's simply nothing to say. You remember a time where you could say anything to each other. But that time has long since passed. You close your eyes. Memories fill your mind. Memories of four friends. Four friends who thought they'd be forever. Who laughed at silly jokes and ran around on the beach.
Who acted like they'd live forever.
Four friends who didn't know the heartache that lied ahead. Sometimes you wonder what would have happened if you had known. If you had known what would come. Would things between you have been different? Would you have said goodbye?
You'll never know. You don't think you really want to.
You still remember those days. You've forgotten almost anything you've done with Piz. But you can remember the moments with Lilly, Duncan and Logan like they just happened yesterday. Sometimes you can still hear them. Four friends laughing and joking. Echo's of a time when things were better. Persons that have long since disappeared.
Voices that disappear in the wind.
Nothing lasts forever.
Memories are all that remain now.
You feel Wallace arrive before you see him. You feel guilty. Not towards Wallace. But towards Piz. You can't look him in the eye. He's Piz's friend. His roommate. You can't look him in the eye. Because you know what he'll say. But you can't do anything about it. You can't forget Duncan. If you do you'd have to forget Lilly as well.
You can never forget them. Never.
You feel his hand on your shoulder and finally you look at him. He's not angry. He doesn't hate you. In his eyes all you see is understanding. He knows. He probably knew all along. But he doesn't say anything. Not for a long time. He just keeps looking at you.
He'd do anything to give them back to you.
You know he would. He's never seen you completely happy. None of you have ever been completely happy. Not since Lilly died. He'd do anything to change your past. But you can't change it. Before you know what's happening tears escape your eyes. And suddenly you're crying. You're sobbing uncontrollably. And you can't stop.
He pulls you close to him. And just holds on to you.
And you cry.
You cry for Lilly. For Duncan. For Meg. You cry all those tears you should have cried a long time ago. You don't know how long you sit there. But he never says anything. He just holds you close. You're best friend. You're brother.
He's the best friend you could have wished for.
Finally you run out of tears. There's nothing left to cry. You'd think that after everything that has happened you couldn't cry anymore. But you can. You're eyes meet and he simply smiles at you. He doesn't say anything. Not about the tears. Nothing about Logan or Duncan. He doesn't even mention Piz.
He just holds out his hand and helps you up.
A best friend. A brother.
You look at the flower in your hand.
You haven't been here in a long time. Lilly's grave. A ghost of a smile appears on your face. Lilly hated flowers. She didn't like things she had to take care of. And know you leave flowers on her grave. It's the only thing you can give her now. You look at the grave. You're best friends grave.
This is not how you thought things would be.
And you talk. At first you feel silly for talking to a grave. But you keep talking. You say everything you want to say. It feels like Lilly's right there with you. And maybe she is. She has to be. You close your eyes and for a second you swear you hear her voice. You feel her presence.
You open your eyes and it's gone.
You try to hold the tears in. She's gone. She's never coming back. You place the flower on her grave and turn around. And you walk away. You wish things were different but they are not. This is how things are. How they'll always be. At the end of the cemetery you stop and turn around.
For a second you swear you see her standing there.
You feel better already.
You stare at the ceiling.
It's been a long day. You've had a lot to think about. You vowed never to make your mother's mistakes. So don't make them was al Logan said. When you got back from Lilly's grave you broke up with Piz. He got angry. Really angry. You've never seen any of your boyfriends get that angry.
And since you saw Logan angry that's saying something.
You tried not to care. He kept yelling about you and Logan. How wrong he was. It wasn't about Logan. It had never been about Logan. For you it had always been about Duncan. And for him it would always be about Lilly. You stare at the ceiling.
You'll find a way to fix it.
You get up and walk to your dad's room. This time you will not make the mistakes you made last time. You'll find a way to save Duncan. And you'll do it right this time. You're dad will help you. you know he will.
You just hope it works out.
You walk around in Neptune.
You're not really paying attention to were you're going. You're feet seem to be leading you. Down a path you walked a thousand times. To a place you haven't been in so long. Before you know it you're there. The kane estate. You wish you could go in. You wish it was like it was before.
But it will never be that way again.
You close your eyes and you remember. You remember how when you were little children the three of you used to run around in that garden. And how when you were teenagers the four of you sat around that pool. And you remember (though you wish you didn't). How one day you're best friend lied broken at the side of that same pool.
You wish you could change things.
But you can't.
The sound of laughter makes you open your eyes.
For a second you think you've traveled trough time. The scene in front of you is one of your memories. Three children run around the garden. Laughing and screaming. Two girls. One boy. And for a second you swear they look like the three of you. It's like looking at an old movie.
Of how things once were.
You wonder if you're imagining things. But you're not. You wonder if years from now they'll find a second boy. And they'll be the new fabulous four. You wonder if they know what happened to the last family that lived in that house. You wonder if they know what happened to the last children that ran around screaming in that same garden.
You wonder if it really matters.
You walk away without looking back. You don't want to.
You can't forget their laughter.
It's all you can think about. And you don't know why. Actually you do. They remind you of yourself. Of how you once were. You wonder if they'll walk the same path you did. You hope they don't. You get up and open your laptop. You search until you find the name of the person's who bought the house.
The Montgomery's.
A young couple. They have two children. A girl and a boy. The girl is the oldest. Her name is Rose. His name is Jake. You close you're eyes. You search trough their lives until you find out who the other girl was. A family in the neighborhood. You hope for the children's sake that the two families have no history. That there are no affairs going on behind closed doors.
You hope for them that their lives will be different than yours.
You hope for their sake that history doesn't repeat itself. That their friendship will survive. That they will survive. You hope they don't go down the road you went. You wonder if they'll ever hear your story. You hope they don't. You hope history doesn't repeat itself.
You really do.
You vowed never to make you're mother's mistakes.
But you were making them. You didn't mean to. But you were making them. And all for a member of the Kane family. You wonder why .If maybe you're more like you're mother then you want to be. Leanne Reynolds loved Jake Kane and she did everything for him. And veronica Mars loves Duncan Kane. And she would do everything for him.
You're more like you're mother then you thought you were.
But you still wish you didn't make her mistakes. You know it's wrong. If she and Jake hadn't caused all the confusion around your paternity Duncan would have never broken up with you. He would have never been with Meg. He would have never run away.
But they did. And you can't change that.
You were innocent once.
That was so long ago you can barely remember how that felt. But you were innocent once. You were that happy girl once. The girl who laughed all the time. The girl who had never been hurt. The girl who didn't really know what pain was. The girl that could forgive without a second's pause. The girl who loved unconditionally. That girl you once were.
Oh how you wish you could find her.
But she has disappeared. She has died. She died when her best friend was murdered. She died when she was raped. She died when her one remaining friend turned his back on her. And she died when her boyfriend walked away. There's nothing left of her. Not a trace.
You wish you could bring her back.
Not the naïve part. You know more about life now. You know more than you ever wished to know. You just want to be that happy girl again. You don't want to feel the pain anymore. You want her to come back. But you can't. Two best friends. Disappeared forever. You wish you could bring her back. You really do.
But she's gone. Just like Lilly is.
And they're never going back.
You recognize him instantly.
Even though it's been a long time since you've seen him. You recognize him instantly. A soft smile appears on your face. You feel Logan squeeze your hand and then he lets go. He pushes you towards him. You take one step towards him. You waited so long for this moment. And now you don't know what to do.
He smiles at you. That's all the encouragement you need.
You run into his open arms. Those arms that have always been open for you. He lifts you up and spins you around. And for a second you feel like that old Veronica again. Genuinely happy. He puts you back down and captures your lips in a kiss. A kiss full of passion and love.
You've wanted to kiss him for so long. Eventually Logan's voice breaks you apart. 'Well would you look at that. The only idiot that actually manages to escape Neptune and he comes back.' And he lets go of you and turns to his best friend. And they smile at each other. And while they're hugging you take the little girl in your arms. And you're happy.
You're together again. Like you always should have been. You smile at each other. But somebody is still missing. You all know it. You can all feel it. You're best friend isn't here with you.
But unlike Duncan she's never coming back.
She can't.
You vowed never to make your mother's mistakes.
You look up from the book you're reading. Duncan and Logan are playing one of those silly video games. You don't know who's winning. You don't really care. Wallace is sitting after them. Staring at the screen like an idiot. He's on Duncan's side. He's always on Duncan's side. He doesn't really like Logan. You can't really blame him. Logan didn't exactly make a good first impression.
You catch Wallace's eyes and you smile.
You look at Logan. You don't know what happened to parker. You don't know if it matters. You know he wasn't in love with her. Not like he loved Lilly. You don't think he'll ever love somebody like that again. Every time he saw Lilly it was like he saw her for the first time. Every time he fell more in love. You know he hasn't really been happy since he lost her.
You don't know if he'll ever be.
You're eyes wonder around the room and rest on the new Lilly. You smile. She's playing with Wallace's little brother. You wonder if she'll be like her auntie. You wonder if that really matters. You wonder if she's watching from heaven. If she's looking down at you. If she is you hope that she's proud.
You really do.
You're dad married Alicia Fennell. They got back together and they're really happy again. After all the pain and heartache. After all the pain their love caused your mother married Jake Kane. You're truly happy for them. You are. You wish them all the happiness in the world.
You hope one day you can forgive them.
You close your eyes. The cheers bring you back to reality. Logan won. A smile appears on your face. Duncan and Logan simply picked up where they left of. Like nothing ever happened. You're glad they did. You really are. You get up and sit next to Duncan.
He takes your hand and you smile at each other.
You vowed never to make your mother's mistakes.
And as you feel his hand in yours. You know you didn't. He bends down and kisses you softly. 'I love you.' You wished for so long to hear him say that again. 'I love you to.' And you close your eyes and lean your head against his shoulder.
And you remember.
You think of all you've been trough. Of everything that has happened to bring you to this moment. And you smile. This is not how you pictured your life would be. But it's close enough. True love stories never have endings. That's what the fortune cookie said. And it was right.
You vowed never to make your mother's mistakes.
And you didn't.