Rating: R

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

A/N: I'm depressed...sleep deprived...hungry. This is what we get. This is Xu...although not the Xu you normally see. Not necessarily a facet of her personality I believe in, but I needed to write this.

Phalanx


They're all the same...those bastards. I look back and forth across their happy, naive little faces and can't help thinking that someday this world is going to come up and hit them square in the ass. They're oblivious little creatures, never realizing that there's more to this than goofing around. They screw off and screw up. They could set the world on fire, and people would applaud them for it.

Then, there's me. Me, the perfect one who's always ready and willing to help. What am I, a fucking servant? I don't remembering signing away my body and soul when I entered this school. I don't remember giving anyone the right to walk over me, to stand on my shoulders to reach their full potential. But it happens, all of that. Hell, I might as well throw myself on the ground and become a rug. This whole place would rather pretend I don't exist, but they'd miss my presence once their dirty feet had nowhere to go.

Oh, but I can't forget the fat ass wrapped in a sweater sitting in the other room. My name is on his lips like a curse. He spits it out like he can't stomach it. And, to that guttural sound, I come running. It doesn't matter what he asks, I do it. I don't question, I don't think about it, and he takes advantage of that. Good little Xu, like a plastic wrapped doll that everything rolls off of and never changes. The dick couldn't even fathom what I think of him. He couldn't imagine that sometimes, when he barks my name over the intercom, that I occasionally reset him. No one would believe that.

But, I'm forgotten. No one would even put the effort into putting so much thought into me. I'm invisible, a shadow among these seas. I'm one pebble in a quarry of bigger, more imposing rocks. Who would bother with me? Who would take that pebble home, or even bother to pick it up? No one.

I deserve to be in charge here. I'm more competent than any of you, but I don't even get half the chance you're all offered. I could be so much more, but I'm cornered here in this cage of an office. Every time I staple something together, or run down to the copy room, I die a little more inside. You're killing me, and you don't even care. You don't even notice.

I could reign at the top, I could take this place and reshape it. I could handle any problem that came across my desk. Already, I'm the invisible hand behind every decision made, why shouldn't the spotlight be on me for a change?

You're all the same. I hope you miss me when I'm gone. I hope you look back and realize how important I was, maybe bless me with a second thought. I hope you all regret never seeing me...never bothering to breathe a word. I hope you bleed for me.

This world hasn't rejected me. I don't even get that brilliant and romantic story of being the outcast who rises up. No, my fate is ten times worse than that. I'm banished from memory and thought. Everyday, I'm told my existence doesn't matter. I'm reminded that no one cares for me. I'm walked across, trampled, and lost in the oncoming phalanx of those that for some reason the world bows its head to.

I wish I knew what you had.

I wish you would all go to hell and give me my chance.