I was thinking about this Harry Potter/American Idol challenge I'm going to make, while listening to the song 'It's My Life' by Bon Jovi, when this image of Harry singing 'If I Were Gay' by Stephen Lynch to Professor Snape just popped in my head. I just couldn't resist writing it.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or the songs mentioned.
Fred and George jumped up onto the Gryffindor table and cast the sonorous charm on themselves. George called out to the room, "Attention students and teachers we have just created a new prank we would like to demonstrate for you."
Fred pointed at Harry. "Would Mr. Harry Potter please join us up here?"
Harry reluctantly moved to stand on the table with them, as Fred cast the sonorous charm on him. George held up a small sweet. "This is our new product Song Bites which Harry has volunteered to be the first to test."
"I didn't volunteer. You two are making me do this cause I lost the bet." The students were snickering at Harry's words. Professor Snape smirked at the thought of Harry being humiliated in front of the school. The other teachers decided to let this be a lesson on not betting for the rest of the students.
Fred took the Song Bite from George and handed it to Harry. "Enjoy. Now as you can see nothings happening . . ."
". . . that's because he hasn't received the instructions yet."
"First you have to tell them . . ."
". . . who to sing . . ."
". . . the song to."
"Whom do you think Harry should sing to Fred?"
"How about Malfoy?"
"Not him, anyone but him." Harry interrupted pleadingly.
"Fine." Fred answered smirking. "Next you have to tell them . . ."
". . . the song they will be singing, but they will . . ."
". . . only be able to sing the song if they have heard it before."
"It is important to remember this fact because . . ."
". . . you only get one chance to name the person and song if . . ."
". . . you name a person or song they don't know . . ."
". . . the Song Bite won't work."
George turned to Harry. "The person you will be singing to is Professor Snape."
"You remember the song we forced you to listen to last night?" Fred asked. Harry nodded with a terrified look on his face. "You will be singing that song 'If I Were Gay' by Stephen Lynch."
Harry looked as if he was going to be sick as his mouth opened and out came,
"Here we are, dear old friend
You and I, drunk again
Laughs have been had
Tears have been shed
Maybe the whisky's gone to my head
But if I were gay, I would give you my heart
And if I were gay, you'd be my work of art
And if I were gay, we would swim in romance
But I'm not gay, so get your hand out of my pants . . ."
Horrified Professor Snape jumped out of his seat and cast a silencing charm. By this time the time the other teachers were in shock, the students were nearly falling out of their seats with laughter, and Harry's face was red.
"That won't work." George called as Harry began the second verse.
"It's not that I don't care, I do
I just don't see myself in you
Another time, another scene
I'd be right behind you if you know what I mean
'Cause if I were gay, I would give you my soul
And if I were gay, I would give you my whole . . . being
And if I were gay, we would tear down the walls
But I'm not gay, so won't you stop cupping my ba . . . hand"
By this time most of the students were on the floor and the teachers didn't look to be far behind them. Unable to think of a way to stop him from singing he stormed toward the doors but wasn't able to get out them before Harry completed the last verse.
"We've never hugged, we've never kissed
I've never been intimate with your fist
You have opened brand new doors
Get over here and drop... your... drawers"