No one knew where Dwindle came from.
He showed up about 8 or 9 months after me. He wouldn't even get out of the car - a snug little ball of a boy, wide-eyed and shivering... everyone was curious. They had to pull him around in a wagon. And naturally, since he didn't speak, no one knew what had happened to him or who he really was. Even now, Watari and L won't say how or when he told them he wanted to be called "Dwindle". That boy is an enigma, through and through.
Fa was completely the opposite. Everyone knew where she came from.
It's not like she went around talking about it. No, even when people asked her she wouldn't respond. But what had happened to her was impossible not to know, at the time - it was on the news everywhere for an entire week after she came to our school. It was in a tiny suburban community, with tiny houses that looked the same and tiny cars that differed only in colour...
who am I? You want to know? I guess I sound pretentious, don't I? People think I'm pretentious when they speak to me. The truth is, they don't know how to react to me. They see eyes that look through them and listen to a boy who won't stop asking about their personal life, their biggest fears, what they wake up crying over... they see a pretentious freak.
I think their opinions changed when they saw me on fire in Los Angeles. Well, to be exact, only one person saw me - Naomi Misora, that annoying detective - but I'd like to think that everyone who knew me had at least one nightmare of walking into their home and seeing me and smelling burning flesh. It makes me feel like there was a point to it all.
If you haven't guessed already, I'm Backup-sorry-Beyond Birthday. I forgot I wasn't supposed to hide it anymore. Because now I'm not quite Backup anymore, am I? I'm BB, 13, Beyond Birthday - the young man who committed murder to get to L. The insane genius. People tend to forget who you were. Have you noticed that? All they remember is you now - what you see before you. They neglect to mention that once, I was Backup, the boy who saw death and was to become L's successor. And that Backup, as pathetic as he was, once knew a girl named Fa. He may have even loved her.

I first met her in 1987. I was the second child, after Arrival, to come to Wammy's House under the pretense of perhaps succeeding L one day. The others who came after me weren't very impressive. They were smart, but not quite up to par with myself and Arrival. I watched as they scratched their heads over the concept of fake names. They played with their toys and tried to be eccentric. I just watched, and counted down the days until they died. I guess I was a bit morbid for age four, wasn't I? Not that I could help it. I knew when everyone would die.
Well, there were 8 of us when she came. Everyone else looked disoriented when they first came in through the doors, but she already seemed to know where she was going. She was thin, and exactly my height, and her hair was long and black and wild. Moreover, her blue eyes were colder and more calculating than any grown-up I had seen. It took me a while to read the name over her head, I was so amazed.
She understood immediately that she had to keep a false name. That confused me. Even I didn't quite understand at first, but she was almost eager to throw away her real name in lieu of a fabricated one. Our first conversation came two days after she arrived. I was alone in the library, and she came in and perched on the couch, sipping a cup of tea that I would have found too hot and not sweet enough.
"Is your back always that straight?" I asked.
She didn't turn her head, but instead her eyes moved to look at me. They were blank, like most of ours - pure blue. "Nearly always," she answered. "I would prefer to avoid health problems as I grow older."
"Are you afraid of being sick?"
"Are you?" Her expression didn't change. I didn't reply. Instead, I went to re-read her death date, something I do often. Also, it scares people when they find I know their real name, and it can be amusing. When I looked back at her, she was staring at me intently, with a look that told me she had caught me. I looked down.
"Where did you come from?" I asked.
"Somewhere where little ever happens, with many unlikeable people," she answered. "It is questionable whether my entire life will be any different."
"I'm sure it will."
I looked up to meet her gaze again, unsure if she had ever stopped staring at me.
"I'm Backup," I said, holding out my hand to her. It was dirty and covered with jam. Politely, she took it.
"I am Fa."

When I first heard of the massacre in that small, poor town, I honestly felt sorry for her. They never mentioned her name, but when the news reports started coming out it became obvious where she was from. The entire town had died - all but one girl, nearly 4 years old. The girl was found near the edge of town, completely unharmed. Everyone else in town killed each other - no one knew why. Nearly 150 people dead without a reason? Police were investigating the town thoroughly, but no one could find any evidence.
I went to see Fa as soon as I heard the report. She was perched in the garden, wearing a large-brimmed hat that hid her face from view.
"Good afternoon, Backup," she greeted.
"Good afternoon, Fa," I replied. I stared at her. Now that I was here, I didn't know what to say. I could feel her looking at me from behind the hat.
"I-I know what happened to you," I stammered.
"Do you?" She answered.
"Your famliy. Your friends. Everyone... they killed each other, right in front of you."
She didn't respond - simply looked at me. She must have found it very difficult to remain emotionless.
"I just wanted you to know I'm here." I craned my neck just enough to see her eyes behind her hat. They seemed to glow with what little light they had.
"Thank you, Backup." She was still expressionless.
I didn't say anything - just nodded.
Finally, after several seconds of silence, I ran away from the garden, feeling her stare dig into my back until I was safely back in the orphanage.

-

"Mr. Wammy?" I struggled to push open the door to his office. He was casually doing paperwork at his desk. A computer sat at the corner of the desk, casting a bright white glow onto his face.
"Hello, Backup," came his response. He didn't look up at me - now, that came as a relief.
"Mr. Wammy, I think Fa needs help."
"Help?" he glanced up at me from his desk, then returned to his paperwork. "Why would she need that?"
"You don't know?" I hoisted myself up into the comfy chair in front of his desk. "About her family, and how they killed each other, and she was the only one left? You don't know any of that?"
"I know of Fa's... unusual circumstances, yes."
"She doesn't show any emotion, I know that, but she's distraught! She needs someone to comfort her!"
"Have you tried?"
"Please, Mr. Wammy!" I slammed my hands on the table, something I'd seen adults do in movies. He looked up at me, finally. Then he sighed, put down his pen and set his paperwork aside.
"Backup, there are some students at this orphanage whom we know will not succeed. There are others who we are sure will. Fa is part of the second group, as are you. Normally we are able to discern which group students are a part of from the circumstances of their entry into Wammy's house..." He sighed again and produced a handkerchief from his pocket, with which he wiped off his glasses.
"That being said," he continued, "Did Fa ever tell you why her relatives and relatives killed each other?"
I thought back. "...No," I finally answered.
"Has she ever made it apparent to you her feelings?"
"Not outright... but I can just tell these things..."
"Has she ever made any feelings obvious? Any at all?"
"But, but-"
"Has she?"
I sighed. "...No."
There was a long pause. I stared at the ground. Here I was, thinking I was smart, and Mr. Wammy managed to destroy my argument with a few questions.
He looked at the computer for a second. Then he looked back at me.
"Fa is a very intelligent girl," he began. "She is also independent and very mature for her age. However, I cannot help but wonder about her moral standing..."
"What do you mean?"
"She holds her family and friends in very low regard."
My eyes widened to circles.
Watari opened his mouth to say something, but I wouldn't hear it.
I couldn't hear it.
I turned and sprinted out of the room, and down the hall, and outside.

-

"Fa."
She was turned away from me when I found her in the garden. It felt like it was just about to rain.
"You have returned already, Backup? Perhaps to say more meaningful things?" She turned to me.
She didn't looked surprised, confused or caught off guard by my serious expression.
"Fa, I talked to Mr. Wammy."
"Did you?"
"He told me... he said some things."
"Please go on."
I didn't want to say it, but I hated denial more than anything. And I hated not knowing.
"Fa, why did that town destroy itself?" I looked her in the eyes. "Did you convince them?"
She showed no emotion, but I felt her lose interest, saw her pass from looking at me to looking through me.
"Did I?" She didn't stop looking through me. I felt myself start to shake.
"Fa... please... tell me the truth."

"No."

I fell silent. I was shivering.
She stood up and walked towards me. When I thought she would walk straight through me, she stepped to the left and stopped next to me, looking the other way.
"My past is irrelevant to you. You will not ask me about it again."
She walked away. Clouds filled the sky, and it started to rain, then pour as I heard her open and close the front door to the orphanage.
I was hopelessly cold.

-

We never talked about our conversation afterwards, and things went on as you know they did. Dwindle came, and Arrival died, and Fa left, and I killed.
I still don't know who she was. Sometimes, talking to her, I was absolutely sure she was a victim as a child and was too stubborn to seek help for her fear of emotion. Other times, it was completely clear to me that she had convinced everyone she knew to commit murder. But in either frame of mind, I knew that she was keeping the truth from me - not because she didn't trust me, but because she knew she could keep it from me. I would never tell anyone about our conversations or the enigma that surrounded her entry into Wammy's house. I wouldn't have written it down if it wasn't the end of my life.
There was a point, after Dwindle came to Wammy's house and became enmeshed with Fa, when I realized that he knew what had happened to her. And there was a time when I could have made him tell me.
But I didn't. And I didn't know why back then.
Until now, I never understood what Fa meant when she said her past was irrelevant to me.
But now I know. Now, alone in solitary confinement with nothing but jam and her last words to me, I understand her beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Did I love her?
Is it relevant?