Title: Undone
Author: OpheliacAngel
Pairings & Characters: Castiel/Dean
Genre: Romance/Family
Rating: Teen
Summary: Dean tells Cas the one thing he imagined he could never say. The consequences are different than what he had expected.
A/N: Canon Divergence from/Fix-it Fic for 'Goodbye Stranger.' Ever since I heard that Misha said the line was originally 'I love you,' I haven't stopped thinking about it, hence this short work.
There is nothing in Dean's world but Castiel looking down at him in disapproval, loathing, bringing near tears to Dean's eyes. There is nothing else that Dean can see or even remotely think about but Castiel... Cas, who's ready to strike him down, who will never know the things Dean has never had the guts to say. There is such lack of care in his angel's eyes, as if Dean is an abomination, a hunk of meat to mutilate, and he realizes that he prefers 'profound bond' to this.
Through the haze of pain and horror at what his small, pathetic life has come to, he can't remember opening his mouth, but the pleas seem to come up from his very soul. His fingers brush against the trench coat at some point, one last memory of touch before the end, a final reminder of the Cas he used to know.
Goddammit, still knows. One coherent thought comes to him from the darkness, confusion and fight to stay alive. If there's one last thing he's gonna try to do, it's getting Cas back, because this isn't him, can't be him, never will be him. He won't leave him behind, no matter what; they've been through too much to just call it quits like that.
So if Dean is begging, pleading, the desperation in his voice unable to be ignored, it's all for Cas. To get Cas back.
"It's me. We're family. We need you. I need you...
I love you."
To anyone else's skeptical eye, there might have been a moment, albeit brief, of hesitation. But to Dean, living this painfully fleeting moment, Cas drops the blade immediately. There is no longer any threat, but there is still fear, a fear that pulsates in Dean's heart and radiates out-wards to every limb. He's tense beyond belief, holding onto the angel's every action, completely under his control.
In any other moment, it would drive Dean Winchester insane; Cas means more to him than that though, especially now. He let this happen to him, and there is no turning back.
Castiel's face, once cold and remorseless, softens, and Dean could be imagining it, but he can barely see straight right now, so cut him some slack. His hand reaches down to cup Dean's cheek, and somehow the hunter knows that if he were able to see better, through the sweat and the blood and the pain that is all-consuming, Castiel's face would display sorrow and guilt. Every emotion Castiel has already shown Dean at one time or another.
He shrinks away, trying to hide, trying to cover his face because he doesn't want Castiel to see him like this, doesn't want Castiel to have to look at him at all, considering the mess Dean's made concerning the two of them since Purgatory. He wants Cas to ignore him like he should be ignored, hate him even, as long as it's Cas and not what he just was moments before.
So much for being ignored though.
The tips of the angel's fingers brush the surface of his cheek, and if his face wasn't a mass of throbbing flesh, he would flinch. He instead lifts his hand up weakly, desperately, still terrified without knowing quite why.
Maybe because he never thought Cas could be brought to this, never thought Cas would hurt him and be two seconds away from wiping his existence from the face of the planet.
Pushing Cas away is the only option he has left now. The only thing he knows how to do.
Although, Dean's attempt to pull away is in vain, and he was only half sure that this would be the case. It's a miracle that Castiel isn't leaving at this point, leaving the hunter behind in the mess he made. But Cas looks anything but wanting or ready to leave, he looks like he's here, present with Dean one-hundred percent. Dean doesn't know whether tearing up would be appropriate, or trying to stand up would prove more worth his time.
No matter his thoughts though, he is no longer able to look the angel in the eye. Cas' hand retreats then, but not for long; two hands reach for Dean next, both cupping his cheeks gently, causing the pain to dissipate within a few panicky milliseconds. Dean can see out of the corner of his eye that Cas is crouching down further, moving closer towards him and Dean doesn't understand, his face still turned away, not able to look...
A mouth closes on top of his, the most sincere apology in the world, and he didn't see it coming but still shuts his eyes, unable to stop the world from tilting. The floodgates break down and he leans into Castiel, wanting more. Dean breathes deeply for what must be the first time in days, perhaps weeks. It's a risk, daring to relax into the gesture of affection, but somehow Dean thinks it's worth taking. Castiel is slow and seems even thoughtful, as if moving too fast will finally be the last step towards Dean completely breaking down. Dean wants to tell Cas that he's fine, that he won't break, but if he were to open his mouth, he's more afraid of starting to sob than the fact that nothing will probably come out, his throat seems so closed up.
The kiss is fleeting, like everything that came before, and when Cas pulls away Dean's entire body is trembling. He imagined the angel would say he was sorry, or even say nothing at all, just stare at him carefully as he always does. What Dean never expected to hear are his actual words, and the fact that they don't feel like such a loss anymore.
"I have always loved you, Dean." And if Dean didn't believe that, the moment he chose to glance up and look into the angel's eyes, he would know it anyway. "And I will always love you." Hearing it makes Dean's world close in on itself dangerously, but Castiel's cool hands feel amazing on his over-sensitive, feverish skin, and even if Dean isn't supposed to want this, crave this with every fiber of his being, he does not protest.
Dean feels like he hasn't truly been loved since his mother left his life in chaos and turmoil, and the way Cas is looking at him... there is something so pure about it that it steals his breath away.
Castiel said those words not only like Dean was supposed to know it prior to this moment, and maybe he really should have, but also like he should have been breathing it in every single second. It's sorta pathetic, but that's all Dean wants to do right now: breathe Cas in, his trench coat and all.
He wants to say his name too, even as a choked out sob, wants Castiel to say his own in that way of his; that way Dean can't describe other than that it always feels like Cas is exuding awe and an appreciation that Dean even exists, that he's still here, alive, supposedly the center of Castiel's world.
The blade rests long forgotten on the floor, and so does the tablet, and Dean can't seem to think about anything other than what he said, and what the angel said back.
His lips had been soft and forgiving, sympathetic and understanding. Dean can't comprehend how he could ever pull away from them, ever pull away from Cas even though that's what the two of them have been doing for ages, even though it never felt right. Like an aching hole in his chest that he couldn't fill, like an itching in his skin that couldn't be taken away until he saw him again.
What Dean said was true, and to take it back would be worse than never admitting it at all. Because somewhere deep down inside, Cas knew it, Cas must have known that Dean loved him, still loves him. The hunter can't draw the line at family anymore, there's no way he can turn back from this.
Still, Dean thinks he's selfish, for saying it only to make Cas come back to himself, to realize that killing Dean is supposed to be the last thing he wants to do. He'll beat himself up over this later, even despite the love in the angel's eyes, even despite Cas coming up with something stupid such as that he can't save everyone, but he managed to save Cas.
Even though all he can think about is how he saved his own ass.
The moment grows heavier between them, more palpable and infinitely more embarrassing for Dean, now that he can't hide his tears behind the once mess of his face anymore. Castiel isn't breaking it though, he won't even take his eyes off the hunter and glance at the tablet, and neither will Dean.
There's something startling in Castiel's eyes, something that makes Dean just as curious as uncomfortable. He's still shaking, still at the mercy of Castiel's will, but somehow it all seems okay now. Even if this isn't a new beginning, even if it's all said and done with after this moment, Dean doesn't care. He feels as if he's a new man, has given both himself and Cas the opportunity to open up.
The angel's cerulean eyes say a million words, but the only ones that matter have already been spoken, and Dean will never forget them.
When Cas finally leaves, it no longer feels like goodbye. Just a somewhat frightening, yet welcoming hello.
FIN