Hello guys don't really know what this is, I think I'm just so annoyed at Stug reuniting that I'm writing any old rubbish. Anyway I hope you like it xxxxx

Killing Time :)

There has been an emptiness inside me since you chose to leave me behind, an emptiness that I thought would never go away. You left my life, it was your decision and since then I've had nothing to smile about…until now. I've been through so much and at times I thought I might even die and sometimes I even wanted to. The day you left me you promised me "In the next life Steven" and I wanted to get to that next life so bad that wanting to die became part of me every day. I can feel bitterness taking over my love for you, bitterness because you just gave up on me.

You made me fall in love with you over and over again and even though I never really stopped loving you I could've walked away. But I gave you the chances you so badly wanted only to be thrown away again. You said you would give me a future that I deserved. Well is this what you meant a future without you? A future with somebody else? A future with Doug? Yeah that's right me and Doug are together again. He has proved that he loves me; he has stood by me through everything, even when I have pushed him away. Where were you when my life fell apart? Where were you when my mum begged me to end her suffering? Where were you when I got put in hospital by the local bad boy?

You are sat rotting in a prison for a crime you didn't commit and I am left to pick up the pieces of my broken life…of our broken life. You have always been the one for me, but surely I can learn to love again. I can learn to love Doug the way he loves me can't I? I've done it once before and I know I can do it again. It doesn't matter that when he kisses me or touches my skin that it's you I imagine. It doesn't matter that when I take him to bed and show him a good time that I make believe it's your body that I'm devouring. He doesn't need to know that I still miss you every single day and I will make sure he never knows. I keep it all to myself now anyway. You are locked away in my heart, the same heart that is really ever going to beep for you.

I can tell myself that I am over you and that you mean nothing to me, but it wouldn't be true. I can even tell Doug that I love him if that's what he wants to hear. None of it really matters now anyway. My life is like a ticking bomb waiting to go off and when it explodes so will all my suppressed emotions. Then the whole world will know that I could never stop loving you and that I'm just pretending for a bit.

So for now life with Doug isn't so bad because I truly believe that our paths will cross again. We'll find each other again one day and I'll get to look in to your eyes the way I used to. You'll be loving me and I'll be loving you and everything will be how it should be, but for now I'm just killing time.

Please review xx xx xx