Just a Man
Summary: Doubt is a vicious weapon that everyone suffers from, Eliot's not immune.
Author Note: Just a one shot I was thinking of. I don't even know how the thought popped into my head, just started writing and behold! A one-shot! Please enjoy and review!
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"I thought you weren't a drinking man?" Nate asks as he enters the conference room, moving behind me to take a seat at the end of the table, his long necked bottle of Grey Goose is placed lovingly on the table. I glance down at the other man and then back down at my shot glass of amber liquid. Picking up the glass I contemplate it, my body already radiating with the token warmth, a true sign of my limit being reached. Without a word I tip it back and relish is the warm burn as it reaches down into my stomach, adding to the warming feeling. Putting the glass down I pour myself another, the bottle of the Sipping Whiskey half empty.
"Usually not, figured today called for a drink." I explain softly, shifting in the chair and wincing as my newly relocated shoulder screams in protest, echoing the aching from my lower back. The recent job hadn't gone as planned and it left Parker with a concussion and Sophie with a twisted ankle. I stare down at the shot glass, finding the amber liquid soothing and hypnotic.
"Yes, today is a good day to drown your sorrows." Nate agrees and I look up sharply, my temper flaring at the words
"Listen, you don't know anything about me Nate. As you said before, we're not friends so don't act like you are one." I snarl, tipping the glass back and wincing at the burn, angry at myself for the temper. I hunch over my drink, pushing my hair back with both hands. We sit in silence for several minutes, the distant sounds of Hardison's typing and the occasional clink on glass on glass as Nate pours himself another.
"We may not be friends Eliot, but I know how your feeling." Nate says softly and I refuse to give him my attention, keeping my eyes staring sternly at the filled shot glass. Vaguely I puzzle over how the glass was filled so fast but leave it for fate, not really caring. Nate's words assault my ears and I find myself listening to him as he speaks, the words calm and soothing but still truthful.
"You're feeling guilty because two members of this team were injured. You think it's your fault… if you were fast enough, or saw the guy a fraction of a second sooner, no one would be injured. You doubt yourself and your skills and have turned to your Whiskey to drown the feelings." Nate snorts and I look up at him, finding the man's face drawn and saddened, eyes focused far away.
"But in reality Eliot, because of you Parker and Sophie survived. Neither Hardison or I would have been able to disarm that many men in time, you saved their lives." Nate turns to look at me and I realize the man is stunningly sober, his blue eyes staring right through me. I shift and wince again, closing my eyes as pain explodes through my body not only from my injuries but also from my heart. I've come to care and worry for these people who accept me for who I am and don't try to change me. Their almost like family, they've filled the place my own family vacated when I walked away from them. Soft footsteps and the creak of a crutch makes me stiffen and I close my eyes, not wanting to look at Sophie as the Grifter seats herself down beside me, the chair protesting. A hand grips mine, long fingernails brushing against the skin of my forearm, making me shiver at the memory of her being shoved down, a look of desperation on her face and a cry on her lips…
"Eliot, look at me." Feeling childish I look at the European woman, all mystery and heart, her warm brown eyes holding only concern and worry, no anger or resentment for my letting her get injured, for being too slow to protect her.
"Eliot, it's alright, I don't blame you. You did what you could and then got us both out of there. That's all anyone can ask of you." She coos, accent thicker with emotion, she gently touches my shoulder and I react violently, pulling away from the woman and glaring sharply at her
"You were injured yourself and still managed to take down four of the biggest guys I've ever dealt with." She says but I keep a wary eye on the woman, unsure of how to react. I can see the sadness creeping onto her face, a frown pulling at her lips.
"Did you even let the hospital look you over?" she asks suddenly, standing and leaning a hip against the table, balancing on her one good leg. When we arrived at the hospital I hadn't allowed the staff to touch me although several of the nurses had approached with the intent to examine the bruises and scrapes. I put my own shoulder back into place while in the men's room, the only place I could get away from the nurses.
"Eliot?" Sophie calls gently and I look up at the woman, finding her concerned eyes too sickening to look at. My stomach twists and I quickly push my chair away from the table and head for the bathroom, ignoring the calls from behind me. Slamming the door I fly to my knees in front of the toilet, my stomach heaving the few items in it. I wheeze and lean my cheek against the seat, head swimming violently. A light knock comes at the door and I wince away from the sound, just wanting to curl up and sleep my pains away.
"Eliot? You alright in there?" Nate asks, opening the door slightly to peer inside. From behind him I can hear Sophie and the other talking in hushed tones, Parker's own whispers sounding far away. Nate enters and closes the door, respecting the privacy the door symbolizes and leans himself against the sink, staring down at me. I look away and flush the bile and liquor down the drain before maneuvering my overly exhausted body against the wall. Curling my legs to my chest I ease my forearms across my knees and drip my head, a clearly defensive posture. I head Nate sigh and shift
"Never took you for one to hide Eliot…" he trails off and I listen as the faucet turns on and jump when an icy roll of paper towel is placed on my forearm. I take the offering and wipe my face with it before tossing it into the toilet bowl.
"I don't know what caused this Eliot, other than the events from today, but I want you to know that you are not to blame for the injuries. If anything I take the blame for sending them into that type of situation… If you hadn't reacted like you did Eliot, we'd be dealing with bodies instead of hospital bills." Nate states, his tone firm, leaving no room for argument.
"I know this Nate, but I can't help but think what would have happened if I was just a moment slower. Parker's head would be a mass of blood and matter and Sophie would probably be far more injured. I've seen it before Nate, how men in the unit depend on each other… then the shocked looks on their faces as their bodies are impaled with lead from enemy fire, their bodies falling to the ground. The men they thought would protect them, always ended up failing in the end." I explain, my own sadness coming out in voice.
"That's why I work alone, no one depends on me to protect them, no one cares if I return or not. This, what happened today is what gets people killed, people become dependent upon another's skills. I wasn't fast enough to keep them from harm this time, but what happens next time Nate? It could end up much worse just because someone put their trust in me."
"You've taken the lives of men in combat and have had no problem doing it…" I cut Nate off, my anger flaring dangerously
"I didn't know those men Nate. I never shared a joke, or exchanged words beyond 'your gunna die' with them. I didn't know their lives; know the names of their wives and children. With you and the others it's different; I know you and respect you." I state and Nate nods, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Awww Eliot loves us!" I jump when Parker comes bursting through the doorway, her crazy smile giving me the chills. Medicated for the headache Parker was all hugs and overly affectionate. Without much ceremony Parker plants herself beside me, pushing her lithe form up against mine.
"So, Eliot, I know your all broody over my head injury here and Sophie's leg but you don't have to be!" she exclaims happily from beside me. I look up at Nate who only shrugs and then at Hardison who holds up the prescribed pill bottle by way of explanation.
"Guess what Eliot? I don't really care what you did before now and I know you were a lone wolf for a reason but that's okay now, we're all here and we all understand." She pats my arm softly
"You're grumpy and silent and have your secrets, but we accept that just like you accept our reasons for secrets. You have an explosive temper sometimes and at times when on jobs you can get cranky, but we still love you." Parker concludes, grabbing me in a hug that sends pain jolting through my shoulder.
"You can't blame yourself for only being human Eliot, your not a god and we like you for the mortal you are." She says softly and looks at me. I nod slowly, unsure of what to say about that. She's so serious at the moment, her eyes focused on mine. The suddenly it's gone, like a flash of lightning and Parker's using the wall to get up before saying something about 'cookies in the kitchen' and taking off. I sit on the floor, her words echoing in my head. Nate squats down beside me, his eyes serious and sober
"She's right you know. We're all unique in our own ways but we're still just people trying to scrape by in the world. Your one man Eliot, and for one man I think you did a hell of a job." He says before standing and holding out his hand. The feeling of sorrow and remorse seems to have lifted slightly, the doubt still hovers in the background, will my skills be enough next time? But at the moment I seem not to care, taking the offered hand I allow myself to be pulled up and out of my proverbial 'stupor' and walked back into the light.
The doubt will always be there, of course.
It's human nature to doubt yourself.
And I'm only human.
Author Note: Good gods where did that come from! Jeez, I seriously need to stop drinking the Ice Tea when I write. Anyway, hope you enjoyed it and I'd be much appreciated if you left a review. Thanks for reading!