You can thank Hikari86 for this monstrosity. We were joking with each other around Christmas time, and one of the things she said gave me the idea for this. It's been bugging me ever since, so I decided to write it and get it out of my system. This is only the first part. The second part will come after I write it. Enjoy if you can.
I don't own Dragon Age or the Grinch.
My head was pounding as I raised my hand to rub at my eyes, only my arm felt heavy, and instead of my hand I felt the cool touch of metal against my face. My eyes snapped open as I tried to sit up, only to find my entire body weighted down and then fall back onto the bed. I looked down at my body and found that instead of my loose red muscle shirt and Angry Birds fleece pajama pants, I was wearing a full set of silver light plate armor, grieves and gauntlets included! I sat up carefully as I looked around the room, which was definitely not mine.
The room was made of grey stone, like what you'd find in a medieval castle, and was even furnished like one. Spotting a full body mirror across the room, I got off the four-post bed and walked over to it. When I reached the mirror and looked into it, I was shocked. The face in the mirror was mine, but it was also different. My cheeks weren't as chubby as before, and my jaw was less square. I could see clearly, even though I wasn't wearing my glasses or my contacts, and I was completely clean-shaven. My dark brown hair was longer, down to my cheeks and parted down the middle. I also noticed that the armor was slimmer than I thought it was, and yet I didn't feel uncomfortable in the waist or abdomen. That extra twenty pounds I'd been trying to lose was just…gone. All in all, I looked more like the O.C. from my Naruto chat YouTube videos, Fang, than I did myself. The only difference was my eyes were still grayish-blue instead of the molten gold I'd imagined for Fang.
In other words, this was obviously a dream.
Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a winged helmet, a longsword, and a small targe shield on a desk.
"Aw fuck." If my dream was giving me plate armor and a sword and shield, then I was in for some serious shit. I put the helmet on over my head and picked up the sword and shield before turning back to the mirror. The overall effect of the armor and weaponry was…heroic.
"I look like a Grey Warden," I said to myself. With that said, I could see that the armor and weapons looked more like silverite that regular silver, as well as that the shield had a razor's edge. I spent a moment swinging, twisting, and bending my arms and legs, trying to get a feel for the armor. There was almost no restriction to my movement, which meant that the armor was articulated. An excellent balance between protection and mobility, the ideal armor for my style of fighting; wild and reckless.
Deciding that it was time to get out of this room, I headed over to the closed door across the room. I stood there for a moment as I tried to psyche myself up. I bounced on the balls of my feet, I cracked my neck, and I took long breaths through my mouth. It was what I usually did while playing horror games when I just knew that the big bad monster that was hunting me was just behind the next door, or just around the next corner. Even though this dream might be classified under RPG instead of horror, I was willing to bet that I was going to be shitting myself before I woke up.
My hand closed around the doorknob, and almost as if by instinct I paused and cast my senses about, as if I could feel the air with my very essence. Somehow, I knew there wouldn't be anything behind the door. Regardless, as I slowly creaked the door open, I made sure to lead with my sword as I checked both to the right and left.
Door opened up to a hallway, much as I had strangely expected. A dark green rug stretched across the stone floor going from one way to the other, and the hallway was lit with torches. Mine was the only door as far as I could see, except for a single door at the far end of the right side of the hallway. Again I cast my senses about, only this time down the hallway and through the door.
Immediately I felt something that I'd never experienced before; a corruption so vile it made my skin crawl. I could hear a low, soft humming within my head, like a voice trying to speak to me, and I tasted bile in my mouth. It was a wrong, yet strangely familiar feeling, like an evil twin brother, or something.
"Darkspawn." Somehow, I just knew that I was right. There were darkspawn behind that door, and a lot of them. Gritting my teeth a marched down the hallway and placed a hand on the doorknob before hesitating slightly. Now that I was closer, perhaps I could sense how many darkspawn there were? It would definitely help if I knew what I was up against. So, as if I'd been doing it all my life, I opened myself up to the Taint.
I almost pulled back when I felt how many there were. I could sense several hurlocks and genlocks, and I could even tell which ones were alphas. I might've taken the time to count how many there were, but then another presence touched my mind. It was heavy with corruption, but it felt alien, like with was more than a darkspawn and yet not quite. I felt the presence's anger, and I knew that it knew that I was there.
"Fuck it." I kicked open the door and marched straight it. Every darkspawn in the room turned to me with an angry snarl, and at the far side of the room, right where I knew it would be, was a Disciple, a creature even more unnatural than regular darkspawn, formed from a reverse of the Grey Warden Joining ritual.
"He must not be allowed to reach the Master!" the Disciple screeched, leveling a gnarled metal staff with a scythe-like blade on the end at me. "Kill the Warden!"
Like a swarm of angry, ugly bees, the darkspawn rushed in from all angles to attack me. I parried the blade of a hurlock with my sword before hitting it in the face with the pommel. I then turned and jammed the razor edge of my shield into the chest of another hurlock. I then kicked an axe out of a genlock's hand as it attacked me before burying my sword in it's chest.
Left and right I fought, staying mostly on the defensive as I was assaulted from all sides. And yet no matter how many times I swung my sword, no matter how many blows struck my shield, no matter how many breaths I took, I never stopped, never faltered. My stamina seemed endless, my strength boundless. And I predicted, no, knew every move the darkspawn made before they could make them. It was like I was in their heads, and I moved in accordance with what I felt through the Taint. I realized with dawning anticipation that all of this could only amount to one thing. The Disciple even confirmed it with it's own words. I didn't just look like a Grey Warden…
I was a Grey Warden!
I leveled my gaze at the Disciple as I jammed my shield into the last hurlock. Now it was just me and him. Mano y freako. The Disciple snarled at me before raising its staff and charging up mana for a spell.
"Pfft, like I'm actually gonna let you finish!" I roared the last word as I charged the Disciple, fully intent on stopping it from casting its spell. It pointed its staff at me as I closed the distance, but I batted its staff to the side with my sword. I tried to follow up with a pommel strike to its ugly face, but it caught my wrist. I was so surprised that I forgot to block the Disciple's staff as it struck me in the head. I reeled away from the blow, using the momentum to turn myself completely around instead of trying to stop. I immediately had to raise my shield as a torrent of flames spewed from the Disciple's staff.
I lowered my shield as the flames ended, and took a brief moment to rethink my strategy. There was one particular detail I'd forgotten about Disciples; they were smart. And just as darkspawn blood ran through my veins, so too did Grey Warden blood run through its. It made sense that it'd be able to read my movements like I could read its. I allowed myself a smirk at the prospect of a worthy opponent. If I was going to win this, I was gonna have to go all out on this fucker.
I decided to do what I do best, and charged in headfirst. The Disciple tried to take my head off with the blade of its staff, but I ducked under it, turning as I swung my shield at its side. The Disciple jumped out of the way, and I immediately pursued. I swung my sword down at it, the blade striking the Disciple's staff. I pushed the blade up until I caught the staff against the cross guard, pushing the staff out of the way as I delivered a powerful heel kick to the Disciple's chest.
The fight carried on for several minutes, with me staying on the offensive the entire time. The Disciple could still read my movements through the Taint as I could, but I attacked with such ferocity that there really wasn't anything it could do. Every time it got past my offense, I'd get right up in its disgusting grill, where it didn't have the elbow room to fight back, and my assault would continue.
To the Disciple's credit, it was doing a very good job of staying alive. I knew that at the wild rate I was attacking, I was bound to leave an opening large enough for the Disciple to stick me, and yet I didn't dare let up. If I wanted to win, then I needed to throw off the Disciple's focus. And just like that, my ADHD enhanced brain came up with the perfect idea. I opened my mind to the Taint, and let myself think of the most disturbing image I could muster…Fenris and Anders fucking.
The Disciple had its staff raised, but it immediately tensed up as it got the same mental image through the Taint. A look passed over its face that I would've found hilarious if I wasn't fighting for my life. As it were, I took the opening presented to me and chopped off the Disciple's staff hand with my sword. I then turned and jammed my shield into its abdomen, and began pushing it back until we reached a wall. I then pinned the Disciple against the wall with my shield in its chest.
"You said you had a master," I said. Were it any other darkspawn I would've just killed it, but I could probably get some useful information out of this one. Or at the very least I could practice my intimidation. I kinda suck at it. "Is it the Architect? Tell me, and I might let you live." Right, like this fucker was gonna last much longer with this wound, anyway. The Disciple gave a wheezing, gurgling chuckle as black blood seeped from its chest and mouth.
"You are too late…Warden…" the Disciple wheezed. "He has already…taken them…"
"Who? Who has he taken?" I demanded. I had a mounting sense of dread. It was almost like I already knew who the Disciple was talking about.
"The elf…and the…bard…" My stomach clenched and my anger rose as thoughts of red locks and raven braids entered my mind.
Leliana. Merrill.
I ripped my shield out of the Disciple's chest and slammed it into its throat, decapitating it in the process. Without waiting for the body to hit the floor, I rushed off through a second door in the room I hadn't noticed before. Instead of a single hallway and a single door, I was met with many twists and turns, and more doors than I wanted to look through.
Instead, I ran, casting my senses for any sign of the Taint. As I ran, my surroundings began to change. Garland and holly decorated the walls, torches were replaced by multi-colored Christmas lights, and a wreath was hung on every door. I hesitated for a moment, thinking how weird it was to see Christmas decorations everywhere, when out of the blue I felt a source of corruption, a very strong source. It felt strange, though, even stranger than the Disciple. It didn't matter; if there were darkspawn there, then there was a good chance that Leliana and Merrill were there, too. I took off in the direction of the source, not stopping until it lead me to a door, which I kicked open.
The first thing I noticed was the room's décor. There were more Christmas lights along the walls, but the room was mostly lit by a fireplace, over which hung several stockings. A large Christmas tree stood off to the side near the fireplace, decked out in lights, candy canes and other ornaments, and topped off with a golden, glowing star.
The second thing I noticed were the darkspawn.
They were hideous, grotesque creatures, more so than normal darkspawn. They looked a bit like shrieks, but they long noses with bulbous tips. It was like what happened to Tamlen in a Dalish elf play-through of Origins, but with a bunch of Whos from Whoville. And in the very back, his fur and skin stained black, wearing a torn Santa suit with a darkspawn sword at his belt and carrying a large sack over his shoulder, was the Grinch.
At first the Grinch seemed angry to see me there, but then his snarl turned into a devious sneer as he put down his sack. I couldn't help but notice that the sack was moving, and I could hear muffled sounds coming from it, like someone who was gagged.
"Well would you looky here," the Grinch said, making me cringe as I recognized Jim Carrey's voice. "Looks like we have ourselves a little troublemaker."
"I know you have the girls," I said, trying to make myself sound bold and forceful. "Let them go, or else."
"Or what?" the Grinch cooed, putting his hands on his knees and waggling his head. "You'll throw me in the dungeon?"
"I'm a Grey Warden," I said, leveling my sword at him. "My job isn't to arrest darkspawn; it's to kill them!"
"Oh re-he-healy?" the Grinch said, jacking off Ace Ventura's catchphrase. He then gave the 'bring it' sign with his hands. "C'mon. Show me whatcha got."
"Never thought I'd say this," and I really didn't, "but fuck you, Jim." I charged forward, and the darkspawn Whos ran forward to meet me. I jumped straight into the middle of them, intending to carve my way through and straight to the big, hairy, rotten cheese, but the Whos were a little smarter than I gave them credit for. They cut me off and surrounded me, lashing out with their sharp, elongated nails. They didn't have the blades on their wrists like shrieks, but those nails could still do some damage, if I wasn't wearing full plate armor. It was hardly a fair fight, as the only real advantage they had over me was numbers. With no weapons or armor and no real combat skills, the little guys just didn't stand a chance. I almost felt sorry for them as I cut them down. Almost.
Throughout the entire fight, the Grinch stood near the fireplace doing various things like fake yawning, leaning against the wall, digging through the stockings and his ear, and basically acting like he had nothing to worry about. This, of course, pissed me off, so I doubled my efforts and began cutting down the Whos with great fervor. By the time I ran the last one through with my sword, the Grinch was busy doing a comical jumpy-clappy dance. That immediately stopped, however, as I pushed the Who off of my blade and onto the floor. The Grinch glanced from side to side, probably figuring out what to do next. Apparently he thought of something, because he donned sneaky, clever little smirk like when he thought of a lie to tell Cindy Lou Who.
"So, you like to play hero?" he said as he drew his sword off his belt. "Think you can handle…playing with the big boys?!" He used his deep, Shakespeare voice for the last bit as he thrust his sword into the air…and got it stuck in the ceiling.
The Grinch tried pulling the sword out, even going as far as to hang upside-down and pushing his feet against the ceiling. I shook my head, wondering why the hell I ever found this guy funny as I rushed forward and swung my sword at him. However, at the last second the sword broke free and the Grinch fell beneath my swing and kicked me in the stomach from the floor.
I landed in the middle of the floor on my back, thankfully not landing on any of the darkspawn Whos. However, my head hit the floor hard, causing the inside of my helmet to ring. I tore the helmet off of my head as I sat up and tossed it to the side. I felt immediate relief, but I didn't have time to enjoy it as the Grinch was already back on his feet. The Grinch leaped at me with his sword raised, and I had to roll to the side to avoid having my head split in two. Rising to my feet, I swung my sword up at the Grinch, just narrowly missing his throat. A few black hairs fell to the floor, and the Grinch felt his face before giving me an annoyed look.
"It's Shave and a Haircut, not Shave and a Headcut!" he said.
"Oh yeah? Well here's my two piece!" I yelled as I swung my sword at him again. The Grinch swung his sword at mine, and my sword shattered as our swings carried us just past each other. I quickly flipped what was left of my blade as I turned and stabbed it into the Grinch's stomach.
The Grinch yelled in pain and gave me a murderous glare before knocking me aside with his arm. I flew across the room and slammed into the wall before landing on the floor on my knees. I had to catch myself before I fell over completely. My chest hurt, and I had to gasp to replace the air that got knocked out of me. I heard the Grinch growl from across the room, and I looked up to see him hoisting the Christmas tree over his head. I had a brief moment to remember him doing the same thing in the movie before he threw the tree at me. Doing th only thing I could think of, I turned around, kicked off the wall, and back flipped over the tree as it crashed into the wall. Letting go of my shield and catching it by the second strap, I turned around and hurled it at the Grinch. The Grinch gave one last 'uh-oh' look before the shield's razor edge removed his head.
I wiped the sweat from my brow as the Grinch's headless corpse hit the floor. That had to have been the single most badass thing I've ever done. Might revelry was short lived, though, as I noticed the sack the Grinch had been carrying on the floor. Remembering why I had to kill Dr. Seuss's most beloved character other than the Cat in the Hat, I ran to the sack and opened it up. Inside were Leliana and Merrill, bound and gagged, just as I'd expected. What I didn't expect was for them to be completely naked.
I caught myself staring for a brief moment, and I shook any dirty thoughts out of my head. I was here to save them, not gawk at them! I went over to the Grinch's corpse and pulled the broken sword out of his belly. I wiped the black blood off on the Grinch's fur before going back to the girls. The first thing I did was cut Leliana's hands free. With that done, she pulled the clothe that was gagging her out of her mouth, gasping and coughing a little.
"Maker bless you, Warden," she said. "I knew you'd come!"
"Can you untie your feet?" I asked, and Leliana nodded. As she began to do that, I turned to Merrill and cut her hands and feet free. Once Merrill was free, she curled in on herself. She looked like she was scared nearly to death. Leliana scootched over to her and put a comforting arm around her. Now I'll admit that I'm a bit of a pervert, but seeing these two beautiful, naked women holding each other, the only thing that I could think of was think I needed to get them out of here. I looked around for the Grinch's sword and picked it up.
"Come on," I said as I turned to the girls. "First we'll find y'all some clothes, and then we're getting out of here."
A.N. Well, here it is! I bet you won't find anything like it in this fandom!