Author: *Scowls ferociously at computer*
The WISE AND POWERFUL INNER!angelslaugh: *laughs hysterically* oh gods
Serious!angelslaugh: *Covers face in mortification*
Author: I blame my bad habits of knowing Naruto as well as I do that this could actually be a plausible Gen!fic (aside from genderbent Jiraiya), AND ELEMENTS1999. I mean. If you're into foursomes. Oh, gods, what the HELL WAS I THINKING?!
Inner!angelslaugh: *chokes on laughter*
Author: *sighs deeply* I am going to Hell, aren't I? Well, welcome to Fem!Jiraiya/Tsunade/Hiruzen/Orochimaru. Oh, and mentioned Jiraiya/Naruto.
Serious!angelslaugh: Er, I -
Author: SHUT IT, Serious!me. I don't need you here. Obviously, I don't own Naruto. Read and review. Flame or not. I seriously don't care.
~:~
Tsunade scowled as she headed to the training ground, a scowl on her face.
"Tsunade-hime -"
Her glare made Jiraiya back off.
"Why are you so moody?" the cold genius asked, looking only halfway interested.
Tsunade scowled harder.
She was fifteen and never had a real date. There was war looming on the horizon and yes, a date was on her mind.
(She refused to dwell on Nawaki's death.)
Most kunoichi not in the war right then wanted to date. Grab pleasure and all that while they were still alive. Tsunade was not ordinarily one to complain about lack of dates; most of her dates were only for her date to ask her how being the Third's student was, how it must be so easy for her to fight and win because she was the princess of the Senju.
No, she didn't count any of that as lucky.
She scowled and punched a dummy with a chakra-induced hit.
The other girl on the team flinched, her eyes wide. But the pervert wasn't her source of ire.
"Tsunade."
Tsunade flinched as her sensei's stern voice reached her ears.
"What is wrong?"
Tsunade hesitated, her anger still churning furiously.
"Hime, what's wrong?" Jiraiya echoed, her grey eyes actually looking sincere.
Tsunade kicked the ground. "It's nothing," she lied. "It's stupid, considering the timing."
Jiraiya's eyes lit up with understanding. "Oh. It's about those bitches, isn't it?"
Tsunade blinked. "What do you mean?"
"You've been on a lot of dates, hime. Your dates have all been bitches 'cause they ask you about your heritage 'n stuff, right?"
Tsunade scowled. "Have you been spying on me?!"
Jiraiya's concerned look was replaced with one of unrepentant lechery. "But of course, hime! Anyone who treats you wrong is going to get punched in the face."
Tsunade facepalmed. "It's more or less that, yes."
Jiraiya frowned, the look she had before turning back to concerned.
Orochimaru sighed. "Do you perv on all of us, Jiraiya?"
"I used to," the pervert of the team said with a smirk. Their teacher looked relieved - "but then, all you were doing was your stupid experiments, Orochimaru." Their teacher paled again as Jiraiya's smirk changed into something... Knowing and Tsunade and Orochimaru looked at their sensei.
Hiruzen-sensei coughed, clearing his throat.
"Whatever, Jiraiya. Tsunade, you just have to look to someone you know rather than someone you don't." Hiruzen-sensei looked uncomfortable at this way of speaking.
"Oh, come on, old man! Give it up!" Jiraiya crowed, pointing a finger at their sensei, who reddened and glared at her.
"Jiraiya," he said in a low warning tone. A bell chimed. He clapped his hands. "Right, I'm going to grab our lunches from the other training field."
Tsunade tilted her head as Hiruzen-sensei turned, and Jiraiya snickered something into an annoyed-looking Orochimaru's ear.
Orochimaru frowned, then shook his head.
"He is our sensei."
Tsunade frowned. What would Orochimaru be against that Jiraiya was talking about that included their sensei?
Orochimaru scowled.
"Fine," he spat. "But if she doesn't agree, I'm holding this over your head."
Jiraiya smirked as she sidled over to Tsunade. "So, I know something Sensei does."
Tsunade scowled a little, but she was a bit intrigued. "Oh?"
Jiraiya snickered. "Yes, I do~" the perv of their team said with a purr. "And I know a way to get everyone laid while knowing you and your likes and dislikes, hime."
Tsunade gulped.
"I'm listening," she allowed.
Orochimaru sighed.
"He's going to kill us," Orochimaru predicted.
~:~
Hiruzen walked out, back on the field. They were back to arguing, Tsunade and Jiraiya and Orochimaru (though he really just stood there and ignored the other two girls, every now and then adding in a snide comment); he was glad. If Jiraiya genuinely did perv on him and the other two students, then he would probably die by them all killing him. Brutally.
Not to mention his wife would decapitate him...
"Let's eat," he called, setting out the food. He had to visit Mito-sama later, simply to check up on her. Mito-sama preferred it when he or Tsunade visited, but Tsunade was scheduled to leave for a skirmish in Ame later in the week; Tsunade needed to prepare.
They sat around the food, suddenly content to the silence.
His nerves stretched taut.
"Sensei, you look stressed," Jiraiya said innocently, which put the older man on guard.
"Would you like my help to massage it out?"
Tsunade's voice, purring by his ear, made him freeze in shock.
(Obviously, he gave in. Perhaps it was the lunch, or Tsunade, or that he'd never dreamed that he'd teach his students things like this. Anyway, he gave in, and that was that.)
(He'd forgotten about Mito-sama for a moment; as a jinchuuriki, she had heightened senses.)
(Shit!)
~:~:~:~:~:~:~
It was something that wasn't often repeated, thankfully; only when they needed it.
Jiraiya was injured, beneath rubble, and smirking as stupidly as ever at Orochimaru.
"We should just kill her," Orochimaru suggested.
"Aw, so nice," Jiraiya said, blood running down her head. "It's not like we're teammates or anything."
"If you'd just killed the orphan brats -"
Tsunade gave Orochimaru the most poisonous glare she could muster as Jiraiya's voice lost all her normal lightness.
"Don't say that," Jiraiya growled despite the blood on her face, coming from her mouth. "Don't talk about my brats like that."
Indeed, they were her brats. Tsunade sighed.
"Orochimaru, don't be a dick. Jiraiya is our teammate. More than that... You'll have to kill me to get to Jiraiya."
Orochimaru hesitated.
Jiraiya gave a snort.
"Don't worry, hime. He's a dick, but not even he would kill me."
"Don't be so sure," Orochimaru hissed.
~:~
Tsunade and Jiraiya were celebrating their survival when Orochimaru stormed in and swept Jiraiya up in a kiss.
The white-haired woman dropped her sake, Tsunade drunkenly laughing; she quit when she was pulled into the kiss furiously, too.
For that night, it was about needing to know the other was there.
~:~:~:~:~:~:~
Hiruzen watched the sun dip below the horizon, knowing what was coming.
Jiraiya's dark eyes had been full of tumult and anguish, and she'd sent a letter to Tsunade. Tsunade, who was a drunk and a gambler and everything bad that Tsunade had once tried to not let bug her.
He'd sent his ANBU away, despite their protests, and told one of them to tell Biwako he had things to do at the office.
A lie, but one he and his team had perfected.
"Is it true?"
Her voice was sober, not a whisper of alcohol on her breath. Jiraiya was there, too, her grey eyes unusually solemn.
"Yes," Hiruzen admitted. "It's true."
Tsunade's eyes glimmered, and those tears fell. The buxom woman lurched to the side, and Jiraiya was there to support her.
"Ladies, I have work to do -"
"You're not working tonight," Tsunade choked out. "You're going to stay here and pray to whatever gods you believe in that -" Tsunade paused.
"- that I'll get him back," Jiraiya finished, her grey eyes shining oddly.
(Hiruzen can't remember a time Jiraiya cried.)
It wasn't about the sex that night, it was about a teammate lost in the darkness.
~:~:~:~:~:~:~
Jiraiya looked at Minato, smiling lewdly. "I can give you some good tips, Minato-chan," she teased the young blonde.
"But you haven't slept with anyone," Minato said.
Jiraiya snorted. "I can get action any time I want to, Minato. I just choose not to get action."
"Indeed." The Hokage regarded her with amused eyes. "Jiraiya, as much as a pervert as I am, I do not want to know of your sexual escapades. I came to give you some information about something." He handed her a scroll.
The white-haired woman smirked as she lazily took it. "Sure you don't want to, sensei? Could help you and -"
Hiruzen gave her a dark look, and she smirked at him, flicking the document open.
Not a minute later, Jiraiya grabbed her student by the back of his shirt and hauled him out of there.
~:~
Minato looked between his sensei and the man standing there.
"Hello, Jiraiya-chan. Come to stop me? I'm quite afraid you're quite too late."
Jiraiya forced a smile. "Hello, Orochimaru." Her voice was cold, her eyes colder than ice. "You know, when you left, you hurt hime. I can't forgive that. You hurt Sensei. I really can't forgive that."
Orochimaru laughed. "And you have a little boy now. Is he Sen-"
"Don't be a fucking prick," she snapped at him. "No way in hell." Minato's mind raced; the fifteen year old was by no means 'little' and had been born before Orochimaru had defected - had Jiraiya -? Was Jiraiya -?
~:~
And after the battle, where it'd been a furious fight to the almost death, Minato helped his limping sensei home.
About halfway, he asked The Question.
"Did you sleep with Hokage-sama?"
Jiraiya sighed. "Our team is... Fucked. Like, seriously fucked up. I was a massive pervert when I was younger -"
"That hasn't changed."
"- Tsunade was upset, I told Tsunade and Orochimaru, we all ganged up on Sensei."
Minato made a face.
"I know it's not..." Jiraiya sighed. "Ninja love. Age doesn't matter."
He nodded. "I know, Sensei. Just... Don't offer to teach me in the ways of you, and I won't tell Hokage-sama you told me that."
Jiraiya blinked at his pause. He never hesitated. With a shrug, she walked on.
~:~:~:~:~:~:~
Naruto... Was a slap in the face. Kushina's bright personality, with Minato's genius hidden behind a dumb smile and long blonde locks, Jiraiya could almost convince herself that everything was going to be okay.
But -
She walked to right outside Konoha, barely drunk, to find a place to cry in peace after Sensei's funeral. Maybe she was weak, but she'd loved Sensei and Hime and Hebi and she could clearly see hers and Orochimaru's history repeating with Sasuke and Naruto.
She sat against a tree, allowing her tears to fall.
"You're sad."
Jiraiya stood up to glare at her teammate.
"I'm sad? I'm SAD?! You just killed our sensei!"
Orochimaru didn't look upset. "He killed himself, sealing my arms." His arms were an angry purple, but Jiraiya just - couldn't care.
She launched herself at Jiraiya, intending to kill him, but Naruto appeared, kicking her in the chest and shoving her back.
"Ero-sennin, you're drunk! Fighting him now will get you killed!"
Jiraiya held Orochimaru's gaze. Something flashed in his eyes as he stared at Naruto.
"Minato's girl."
Naruto turned. "Get out of here unless you want to die."
And there is was, the sinister calm that always came before Minato managed to surprise her and everyone else. The dangerous calm.
"Oh? You're a jinchuuriki, girl. I can easily twist you into doing my bidding like I did the Suna jinchuuriki."
Naruto smiled. "Well, well, Orochimaru. Thank you for telling me. Now I know just who to kill for that." Something burned in her gaze, something that Jiraiya knew lay within everyone. But - hatred was foreign to her in this girl. Yet It was hatred that made Naruto glare at her enemy. "But then, I was going to anyway. For killing the Third."
Orochimaru hissed, but Naruto stood there, glaring at him.
"Leave, before I finish the Third's job," Naruto ordered.
As if on cue, a clone - or was the Naruto in front of her a clone? - dropped on the ground, a burning golden shroud around her, a golden hand holding a kunai to his throat.
Orochimaru paled. Kabuto appeared, grabbing his arm and vanishing.
The hate vanished from Naruto's eyes as her clone silently followed Orochimaru.
She turned to Jiraiya, her mouth set.
"I'm not going to kill him." Jiraiya blinked. "But promise me you'll stop thinking about nasty things."
"What?" Jiraiya was confused.
Naruto looked VERY uncomfortable. "I have extremely enhanced senses as a jinchuuriki," she said, her mouth twisting in embarrassment and horror, tapping her noes.
Jiraiya flushed. Oh. Whenever she was thinking sexy thoughts... Yeah. She was drunk, so she'd feign ignorance tomorrow.
~:~:~:~:~
Jiraiya faced her brats, and thought of the mission she hadn't accomplished.
Orochimaru, you bastard... I'm sorry.
She thought of her sensei, her students, and smiled even as she was pierced with the rods.
Her youngest student would know - would take it to heart. Jiraiya felt guilty, too; she'd used her student as a replacement for Tsunade and Orochimaru and Sensei.
(And her student knew it, too. Enough to tell her to not cry out her name; enough to tell Jiraiya to pretend.)
She finally knew why Minato had hesitated, but Jiraiya knew none of the three Sannin had any relation to him, thank goodness. Hiruzen-sensei wasn't his father.
She wanted to apologize to Tsunade, and to Naruto.
But she couldn't, unless Naruto knew what she was talking about.
~:~
Tsunade's heart stopped when she received the news.
"What?" she asked blankly. "This -" She took a deep breath. For now, she needed to be a leader.
Telling her subordinates with a straight face was hard enough; telling Jiraiya's only surviving student was the hardest thing ever.
"Jiraiya has fallen in battle."
She saw the girl's fist curl inward for a long moment, her face mashing into pure blind fury before red flashed and she was calm.
"Everyone, out," she ordered, motioning to her ANBU to leave as well.
She stood as everyone left, not looking at the jinchuuriki, who remained frozen.
"You loved her."
It was obvious. Tsunade recognized the mirroring look as one she could feel on her own face.
"She didn't love me," Naruto said, her voice a strong whisper. "She loved you." There was an implied and them added into her statement. Tsunade realized the implications, and enfolded her fellow blonde into her arms.
Naruto broke down.
Warm chakra licked at her senses, and Tsunade opened her eyes to see the red film around Naruto. Tsunade's chakra shielded her against the corrosive nature of the Kyuubi as the girl cried her heart out.
~:~
Orochimaru coughed, his weak body betraying him.
"Sasuke-kun plans on betraying you," Kabuto said with a smirk. "How do you think you shall fare?"
Orochimaru scoffed. "I will live forever!"
Why was he thinking that? Now that he thought of it, that sounded utterly ridiculous.
Sasuke's chakra charged up, and his chidori nagashi started coming towards him; Kabuto melted into the shadows.
It cut off as his base trembled, and Sasuke was thrown into the room with a well-placed kick.
Itachi stood there - no, the chakra, it was too different.
"Foolish Sasuke," the unknown ninja taunted.
Sasuke's eyes popped, and in rage he ran, chidori spiking -
A poof of smoke and a bone snapping in half led to Sasuke crying out in agony.
There was another kick from the person at the door, cutting off Sasuke's agonized screeching as he ended up having to clutch his lower regions.
Uzumaki Naruto stalked into the room, throwing chains behind her.
A clone materialized and slapped the chains on Sasuke.
Those eyes - they were the eyes of a Sage.
Only one could perfect this power; even Jiraiya's had been imperfect. Uzumaki Naruto had perfected it.
"Did Jiraiya teach you that?" he coughed.
"Jiraiya's dead. Also, so is Danzou."
Her voice was toneless and unfeeling; Orochimaru snorted at her.
"Jiraiya is far more than what you think, little girl."
"Orochimaru."
His breath caught as Tsunade appeared, her face solemn.
"Jiraiya is dead," she said to Orochimaru. "Naruto... Stopped his killer. We thought stopping your would-be killer would be enough for you to feel something."
Orochimaru coughed.
"I just..." He paused. "What world is it okay for her to die like that?"
He was lost, he felt lost.
Tsunade pieced him back together.
~:~
And finally, with Orochimaru and Tsunade watching Hiruzen and Jiraiya fade away fully into the afterlife because of course Orochimaru had a way to reclaim his arms and summon his dead sensei and dead lecherous female teammate from the dead, Tsunade leaned into Orochimaru.
"Nice job, hime!" Jiraiya grinned, her eyes sparkling. "Hope he's better than the last time." She wiggled her eyebrows.
Naruto laughed tiredly from a ways away.
Jiraiya's face flickered into guilt.
"Thanks for teaching me, Shishou!" Naruto called to her master. "Jinchuuriki senses, so I can't promise not to listen in." Her father had already faded, and she was on the verge of passing out anyway. Bloody stumps could do that.
"Wouldn't have it any other way, Naruto."
Their dead sensei facepalmed. "You slept with your student?!"
"You slept with all three," Jiraiya deadpanned. "Excuse me for being lonely."
"Goodbye, Jiraiya." Orochimaru's voice was quiet.
Jiraiya turned her head as her spirit was finally released.
"Tch. Don't be a moron."
Jiraiya smirked at him and Tsunade.
"Later, hime."
Tsunade sighed. "Goodbye, Jiraiya."
Their sensei faded as they turned; but they swore they caught the end of a happy smile.
Tsunade turned to help others in the battlefield, especially her successor.
Naruto had done a lot; she'd put the guilt in Jiraiya's heart at rest.
Tsunade would see them later.
Orochimaru followed her.
Together, the last remaining members of the first Team Seven of Konoha went to help the original members of the latest Team Seven.
A snake avenger, a toad savior, and a slug healer.