Surrender
A sudden spur of hope rushed through my body, electrifying every vein and artery within my small body. I tore the covers off my body, grabbed my phone and shoved it in my pj pocket. I rushed to the window, shoes didn't matter to me, I was too excited. The window slide open with surprising ease, allowing me to sneak out into the open air and feel the cold night air tickle my skin playfully before it returned silently to rest.
I stood there for a moment, starring up at the stars that stair back at me. They seem to smile at me and say: "This is what you want." I smile back and nod. This is what I want.
I turn to face the house, I stair up at the gutters and offer a smile. They glare at me with an ominous look that, strangely enough, seems to agree with the stars.
Seconds later I was on the roof, sitting up and gazing up at the stars that, just moments ago, confirm to me that I want this. But now that I am two stories closer to touching them, they seem to have completely different intent to their now grimacing gaze: "Does he want this?"
Does he want this?
The question spun around my thoughts as if it were sitting, politely, cross-legged, on a record player that continually spun around my mind.
Why would it matter to him? He'll see me after, right? Well, not immediately… but soon enough. He doesn't love me, he's told me that. So of course he wants this.
I took out my phone and read through those messages over and over again, each letter stabbing a new hole through my, already damaged, heart.
The gutters called to me once more, their ominous gaze transformed into welcoming arms, outstretched and promising warmth. The gutter's whispered words caressed my tormented heart, promising to catch me if I leaned too far to look into the chasm below.
My legs lead me toward the edge, as me mind ran through all the mental wounds that he has given me. I imagined his arms wrapped around me, whispering lies into my trusting ear. Hot tears burst from my eyes and rolled down my pale cheeks and onto the roof.
My phone was clenched in my shaking hand, it would be my note, my final testament. I typed four words and hit send. I shoved the phone back into my pocket. I looked over the edge, then looked down at the gutters, they smiled at me and held out their arms: "We'll catch you."
A smile spread wide across my face; truly happy, at last.
"Push me, okay?" I said to the gutters, trusting their promises.
"With pleasure." They said. And with that they reached one hand out, and gently grace me a little push.
"Goodbye." They said as I began my decent.
"Goodbye. Thank you…"