Note
Amnesia: This is a plot device that I have not used before, but friends of mine (detectivecaz & Liz1967) have and I always enjoyed those stories. This story is about M surviving Skyfall but with no memory of who or what she is.
***** M *****
Pain and a blinding light pierce through my skull. Fuzzy shapes with muted voices modulate in and out. Someone touches me, and I feel a burning sensation on my arm.
She needs... seem... dead. It's for the...best. Scotland... Kincade. No, not even the children. Definitely not Bond. James needs to focus.
Darkness...
The sounds come faster, this time around and so does the pain in my right hip. A nurse comes and looks me over.
"Oh good, you're awake Ms. Smith. How are you?"
I try to speak but the words stick in my throat.
"Here drink some water." The nurse brings a straw to my mouth. The cold liquid soothes my dry throat.
"I will get the doctor now, try and relax." I hear the nurse leave and I wonder, who on earth is Ms. Smith. I don't remember. What happened to me?
The doctor enters my room and begins doing tests. "I have notified the man who brought you in, Ms. Smith. Can you tell me your full name?
"No...I...don't remember. Not Smith...at least I don't think. How long have I been here? Where is here?"
"Oh, dear. Well, I have you down as an Emma Smith. They said to call you Em. You are in Scotland, and you had wood and stone fragments as well as a bullet lodged in your hip. You have been in and out of consciousness for two weeks now."
"Really?" I ask in surprise. It just seems so strange. Em is the only thing that rings familiar at all.
"You gave everyone a fright. We thought you were dead, but the cold slowed your body functions right down. You are one strong woman with a fierce desire to live."
"Yes, I suppose so."
"We will keep you here for another few weeks to ensure that there will be no risk of infection. You will need to undergo physiotherapy to re-strengthen your leg muscles and work that hip."
"All right."
"We've called your family to come in. They are in London, so it may take some time. Mr. Kincade is on his way now. He's a friend I assume?"
"I don't know. Doctor, I'm afraid I don't remember a thing."
"Nothing? Names, addresses?"
"No. And certainly not how I managed to get shot."
"I see. Well, temporary amnesia is not unusual, but we will monitor it. It may take some time, but eventually, your memories should come back to you. I will have a psychologist come and speak to you."
I watch as the doctor leaves me alone once more. I have no idea who this Kincade is, but perhaps he may be able to answer some questions.
Weeks pass, and I'm still no closer to regaining my memories. Two men arrive from London and come and speak to me. I can see the concern on their faces as they begin to question me. I become agitated and frustrated that I can't remember. Are they my sons? They both seem desperate for me to know something important. Something that's lingering along the edges of my subconscious.
Gareth and Bill are concerned, but not as concerned as I am. Kincade comes with them the next day. He's a kind man who has spent a few hours every day with me over the past weeks. I do not think he's my husband...he's not comfortable with me in that way. It's not that there is no attraction, but there is a distance, like we have not known each other very long.
Kincade's been discussing things with Gareth and Bill, most of the time they feel I am ignoring them, but I do pay attention. I am still trying to figure out who I am and how I fit into this. They have mentioned family and a James Bond...007? Bill and Gareth can only stay in Scotland a couple of days. I hear them through the door as they discuss me and my state of mind with Kincade. Gareth says that they must avoid unwanted observation.
Why is it that they are not allowing me to see my real family? Unwanted attention from whom? Does this have something to do with the one referred to as 007?
They come back into the room and ask if I would like to stay in Scotland with Kincade. I say yes having nowhere else to go.
Gareth stays behind to speak to me.
"Gareth, where are my family? Why does Bill call you M and then behind the door refer to me as the same? What is the unwanted observation you were talking to Kincade about? You know I don't remember, but I feel like you are holding something back from me...like my real name."
Gareth sighs. "I'm sorry M. You were called M, but since the accident, I have taken over your position. We gave you the name Emma Smith, but it's not your real one. You had a top secret job in the SIS and what you have locked in your forgotten memories could be dangerous. Yes, you do have children and grandchildren, but they all believe you died at Skyfall."
"Skyfall. Skyfall?" I remember...there's something familiar...
"M, do you remember something?" Gareth asks excitedly.
"Everything is on the fringes of my awareness but slips away into the nothing. I know that I am not Kincade's wife. I don't feel attracted or comfortable in that way with him. I do feel drawn and comfortable with Bill. I thought he could be my son, but now…"
"No, he's not your son, but you worked closely together for many years. Kincade was with you when you were injured, and you had only just met him. He knows who you are, and it's safer for you to stay with him. I hope you feel you can trust me in this regard."
"I do. I know I may eventually remember, but what I want to know is, will I be able to rejoin society or are you going to keep me secluded and away from everyone?"
"M, I...am so very sorry. Your real name is Olivia Mansfield." Gareth opens his case and reluctantly gives me a file. "This is your personal profile, and this is the only hard copy. You are classified as deceased, but this has all the information you may be looking for."
I glance at the file and see my image. The image I see in the mirror, but don't really recall. My age, the names and addresses of my children and grandchildren.
Gareth turns to leave. "Gareth, I mean, M." I quickly correct myself as I see him stop to turn back towards me.
"Yes."
"Who is 007?"
"Olivia?"
"I've overheard that he is not to know I live, and I want to know why?"
"James Bond, 007 is the agent that was with you and Kincade at Skyfall. He was with you when you died."
"And why can't he know?"
"He was, well I should say he is one of our best agents. But he was crushed and unfocused after your death."
"I see." I look at the expression on Gareth's face and perhaps I don't quite understand. "I wasn't his mother figure was I?"
"No, but you were very sentimental about him. After you appeared to have died, it became apparent that you were much more to him than just his boss or mother figure."
"Oh...he feels a strong connection to me? It isn't romantic is it?"
Gareth pauses and sighs. "I'm not sure Olivia. It may have been, and only you know if those feelings are reciprocal on any level."
"I see. That could be both good and bad I suppose."
"Yes it could, and we needed Bond's head in the game. Which is why I decided to keep this from him, for now. Eventually, we can reintroduce you to him, but at this stage of the game, it's unwise."
"I hope he doesn't get angry for the subterfuge. Then again, if we are spies, it would only be logical to expect something like this."
"Yes, and his anger will fall on me. You do not know him, and I am hopeful that your memories will return, without the familiar surroundings of home. Your children are in the dark, and once you regain your memories, you are free to address that concern. However, it will do no good for anyone, to reintroduce you to them with no memory. Pictures of your family and their children are within this file. I am going to see if Bill or I can dig up any video of you family; their voices may trigger you as well."
"I understand. I will give it some time but if nothing comes back, then I want to return to London. Perhaps the city itself will heal me."
"I have made financial and safety measures, to ensure that you will have a peaceful rest and recuperation time at Mr. Kincade's cottage. Please give it at least six months Olivia, you need that time to heal from your injury. The highlands are lovely and quiet. You will be safe here, I promise."
"Kincade; he has a connection to Bond?"
"Yes, he was the caretaker of the estate. Skyfall; the one Bond grew up in and was destroyed the night you lost your memories. In a sense, he's the only father figure James has."
"So what you're telling me is, that I'm not quite the mother figure, but I will be living with his father figure. And you are sure James Bond will not find out?"
"James has never been one to visit here. His parents died when he was eleven. Scotland holds too many painful memories, for him to rush back to so soon after loosing you."
Some small amount of my memory returns in tiny waves, but nothing important. How to do things, like cook and use the appropriate tools. Just so I don't feel completely useless during my convalescence.
The doctors says that without any familiar stimuli, I will not retrieve all of my memories. The photos Gareth gave me help some, but they're nothing more than small glimpses at the edge of my awareness. It's like hearing a familiar song on the radio. I seem to know the words but it fails to transport me to the time I first heard it. It's beyond frustrating. I feel I should know so much and I should be able to command my mind to cooperate.
Nothing...damn...stupid nothing!
I've been living in Kincade's cottage for over five months, and gradually things have become comfortable. The only problem being, that Kincade's beginning to fall for me. I have become close to Kincade, but something is holding me back from returning his affections.
Mallory and Bill call to check up on me, Bill calls daily and Gareth once a week. I continue to ask to return to London. They are very busy with work and advise against it at this time. In a way, I'm a prisoner who cannot be paroled until the current M says yes. Tanner and I joke of it often. I trust Bill, there is something about the man. He would not lie to me. But there is something bad going on, and Bond's missing. I could hear the concern in Bill's voice when he told me.
Scotland's countryside is beautiful and quiet. I spend a great deal of time walking the highlands with Kincade and the new pups he brought home. He named the two labradors Finn and Sawyer. Kincade teaches me how to shoot properly, with a rifle and handgun. Bill gave him the handgun for us to use. Apparently there is still a threat to my life out there somewhere, so we need to be vigilant.
I'm a very logical and adaptable person I have learned. There have been moments of self-pity and despair. All the losses hidden in my past threaten to come cascading over me, and I dread it. What if my memories hold something I don't want to remember? How violent, graphic and horrible could they be?
There are days of depressive loneliness where Kincade practically pulls me from my bed. He forces me to go to town and be around people when it happens. I am for all intents and purposes, his girlfriend that now lives with him. Emma Smith formerly of London, former head of MI6, former boss, wife, mother, and bloody well useless now!
I hate that I can't remember. I hate that I am scared of the memories I have. What if I was horrible? A despot who was cruel and torturous. Kincade and Bill assure me that is not the case, but what if they are skirting the truth?
The physical pain from the bullet wound has lessened but the mental torture of not knowing myself brings me down.
I have some understanding of self, which leads me to believe I must have been a strong woman. Each of them keeps telling me this. I have the overwhelming need to live up to the expectations that Bill and Kincade have for me. Gareth admits to not knowing me long. All hearsay accounts from those who knew me before the incident, say that I was a force of nature.
Tanner has been a wonderful sounding board for all my concerns. He often calls me in the evening to see how I am. He offhandedly mentions Q. It all seems familiar. Another name like James Bond, that I should remember from work.
I am not yet complete. The doctor seems to think I need a trigger and then the memories will flood back. I visit the site of Skyfall often with Kincade. He tells me his version of what happened that night. It must have been terrible. The blood of my attacker, and my own still stains the stone floor of the Kirk.
I'm frustrated. I want this confusion to end. I want my life back, such that it was. At the same time I fear to have it back. Bill and Gareth have told me that there is danger in what I know and there are some that will attempt to kill me for it.
My family is lost to me. I want to remember my parents, aunts, uncles long dead and buried. Do I have a sister? Something, anything of the life I've lead. My children, what are they like? My husband, what did he sound like? What of our sex life?
I have no memory of making love to him or any other man. Kincade will gladly correct that if I ask. I've had more than a few incidents with the man that lead me to believe that he would like to make this arrangement permanent. He all but asked me one night after we had too much wine with dinner. Said he would marry me if I wanted too.
Kincade realizes that eventually Bill or Gareth will arrive to take me away. Until then I will enjoy resting in the highlands and try to make sense of the odd dreams I've been having.
They only started recently, after one of my walks around what is left of Skyfall. The dreams always consist of the same clear cerulean eyes staring into mine. I often wondered if it could be my husband in the dream? I reach for his face, but I can't quite manage. The impression I have, during the disjointed time within the dream, are of love and tenderness. Everything shifts suddenly, as dream do. There are orange flashes of dancing flames. I feel overwhelming fear. I'm up against something so very hard and cold...the floor...the hulking giant over me.
This is the dream I usually have just before waking. I wake flushed, panicked and depressed for losing what I should know. By all reports, I had an excellent memory and no signs of dementia. So why the hell can't I remember anything!
Today I helped around the house by cleaning a cupboard for Kincade. I found a box of old pictures within. There are some of an attractive couple and a young boy...could this be the mysterious James Bond?
Some of the next photos are in colour, and I gasp suddenly. Those cerulean blue eyes...the boy's eyes. James Bond is the man from my dreams.
To be continued…