The Humiliation of Robin
Happy Harbor; Rhode Island.
Young Justice Headquarters
It's been a month since the 'incident'.
But even as Kon-El walks down the hall, reading "The Rob Liefeld Story" he still gets reminders of what he was forced to do…
"Hey, Kon! Moooo!" Bart says as he zips down the hall.
"Shut up! Why don't you go back to playing your little games and let me read this life story?" Kon yelled in defiance.
1 month had gone by and he was still being tormented by the songs he had to sing.
Even worse, somehow the tape got into the hands of the Justice League, and then somehow it made it out into the general superhero populace.
Now wherever he appeared, whether it be just a team-up with GL, Damage or even Lagoon Boy to the big cosmic poo-bah battles where every hero meets, somebody makes fun of him or mentions some of the lyrics.
But then a thought occurred to him on how to pay the man, who started this whole thing, back… but first, he needed to outsmart him.
"Ah, it shouldn't be too hard to outsmart Robin. I know of a couple of dares he couldn't possibly win…"
Attempt Number 1
In Bart's little corner of the Happy Harbor Cave, Kon and Robin were sitting in front of Bart's Playtendo.
"Robin, I bet you that you can't beat me in 'Street Kombat 2: Alpha Gold ', while I'm playing Ryu Kang and you as Dhalraka" Kon said as he thought,
"Ha, little does Rob know that I've been practicing with Ryu Kang for 48 hours straight, and that Dhalraka is one of the hardest characters to use! Prepare to be smited!"
"Sure, that's fine with me." Robin says as they both pick up their controllers.
But in little than 20 seconds, things began to go downhill.
Kon's face went from shock, to anger, and then ultimately to sadness as Robin who never played Street Kombat 2 wiped the bitmap floor with Ryu Kang's butt.
"How… how… how…" was all Kon could think as he jaw was hanging down in amazement.
"Well, that was fun, but I've got to look over some files. Later!" Robin said as Kon looked at the screen, wondering how in the world all those hours of training did jack.
Attempt Number 2
Outside the Secret Government Facility of Project Cadmus
"I bet that you can't possibly get into Laboratory Number 5 on the second floor without being seen. I've put all guards on alert and I'll have camera's watching you so you can't lie about not being seen. You have to wait 15 minutes before you can come in. Do you accept the challenge?"
"You bet." Robin said with a smirk.
"Okay, the 15 minutes start now!" Kon says as he flies off into the horizon, enters a secret passage and then heads down into the depths of Cadmus.
"I still don't think this is a good idea." Guardian said as Kon-El put all troops on full alert and turned on the surveillance devices.
"Oh come on, it's not like I'm abusing Cadmus resources or anything, besides it's for a good cause." Kon said with a smile.
Well, 15 minutes had past, and Kon was just standing there, awaiting the call that Robin had been spotted.
But alas, Kon felt someone's hand grab his shoulder and say,
"Well, it seems I won this bet too."
Kon whipped around to see Robin's smirking face.
"No, no, no, no, no, NO! It just isn't possible!" Kon thought as Robin then added insult to injury with,
"And I'll be glad to review the tapes with you so that you know I didn't cheat and got here completely undetected."
But still, Kon was undaunted.
After many more failed attempts, finally one worked.
Attempt Number 14
Young Justice Headquarters
The Plan was foolproof. Even Robin couldn't survive this.
Kon-El strolled up, with his hands behind his back, to the conference table where Robin was looking over some notes.
"Hey Robin, I've got another dare."
"Oh please, after 13 attempts, you're still trying? I don't know whether to applaud you for your tenacity or slap you for being such a goober."
"Oh, that's where you're wrong. I've got you beat so badly on this one. I dare you to read back to back, without saying a negative thing about it… *whips out from behind his back a comic book* Rob Liefeld's Santa The Barbarian!" And as Robin got a good look at the cover, which had a buff Santa trudging through snow holding a battle-ax, his face turned white.
"So, are you man enough to prove me wrong?" Kon asks as Robin gulps and reluctantly agrees.
5 minutes pass. Robin has barely made it past page 3. His eyes are nearly bulging out of their sockets and he's trying his hardest not to make any type of comment.
But, by the time he had reach page 7, Robin's resolve broke.
"MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL WAS LIEFELD THINKING, WRITING THIS CRAP?!?" Robin said as he forcefully threw the comic book down on the conference table.
"YES! Success!" Kon-El thought to himself as he threw his fist into the air.
---
3 days later, in the Young Justice Rec. Room…
"Why the frag was the main teen dragged out of his interstellar keger to just sit here in front of a fragging stage?" Lobo moaned, as he usually does, while sitting in his chair.
"Methinks that Kon-El lost yet another bet…" Empress said as the main teen took interest.
"Oh yeah, I remember you showing me that tape! If that bastich is doing it again, then the 'Bo is glad to be here!" Lobo said as a figure began walking into the rec. room.
Empress, Secret, WG, Impulse and Lobo thought that the man walking out would be Robin, but lo and behold, much to their surprise, it was Kon-El, wearing a tuxedo.
"Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen!" Kon yelled as he grabbed the microphone from the stage.
"Tonight, it's my very special privilege to bring to you a performer, so legendary in steakhouses all across the Bible Belt, into our own establishment. Let me introduce to you, Robin!" Kon yelled as Robin made his way out to the Rec. Room.
Naturally, Kon forced him to wear the exact same suit he had to when he was humiliated on the screen.
As Robin walked up to the stage, Kon handed him some papers and Rob gave Kon-El a look of sheer frustration.
"Hi, my name's Robin. I'm here for your entertainment today because I crossed the Teen of Steel and as we all know… *Glares at Kon-El* when you cross the Scion of Superman, you get paid back 10-fold." Robin said as he closed his eyes to try to push back the anger that was running through his face.
"And tonight, I'm going to be doing four songs for you. I'm going to start off with this song, which is about a problem of mine, that I'm still battling." Glares at Kon-El when he sees the title of the song.
"It's by Afroman and it's called… *Groans* 'Because I Got High'" and with that, Kon-El started up the Karaoke machine.
"I only made you sing two, you know."
"I know. But payback's a bitch, ain't it?" Kon says as an unholy growl emerged from Robin's throat.
"And make sure to sing EVERY LINE."
Robin just sighs as the music starts up and the words appear on the monitor.
"Roll another blunt…
Yeah… [Ooh, ooh, ohh…] ah good…
*Pretends to sniff a blunt*
[La da da da da da… La da da… La da da da… La da da da… La da da daaaaa….]
Yeah, yeah… Let me tell you something…
I was going to clean my room, until I got high…
I was going to get up and find the broom, but then I got high…
[La da da da da da…]
My room is still messed up, and I know why-yyy…
[Why man?]
Yeah-heah,
'Cause I got high, Because I got high, Because I got high…
[La da da da da da…]
I was going to go to class, before I got high…
I could've cheated and I could've passed, but I got high..
[La da da da da da…]
I'm taking it next semester and I know why…
[Why man?]
Yeah-heah,
'Cause I got high, Because I got high, Because I got high…
[La da da da da da…]
I was going to go to court, before I got high…
I was going to pay my child support, but then I got high…
[La da da da da da…]
They took my whole paycheck and I know why…
[Why man?]
Yeah-heah,
'Cause I got high, Because I got high, Because I got high…
[La da da da da da…]
I wasn't going to run from the cops, but I was high…
I was going to pull right over and stop, but I was high…
[La da da da da da…]
Now I'm a paraplegic and I know why…
[Why man?]
Yeah-heah,
'Cause I got high, Because I got high, Because I got high…
[La da da da da da…]
I was going to make love to you, but then I got high…
I was going to eat your [Censored] too, but then I got high…
[La da da da da da…]
Now I'm [Censored Censored], and I know why…
[Turn this stuff off!]
Yeah-heah,
'Cause I got high, Because I got high, Because I got high…
[La da da da da da…]
My messed up my entire life, because I got high…
I lost my kids and wife, because I got high…
[La da da da da da…]
Now I'm sleeping on the sidewalk and I know why…
[Why man?]
Yeah-heah,
'Cause I got high, Because I got high, Because I got high…
[La da da da da da…]
I'm gonna stop singing this song, because I'm high…
I'm singing this whole thing wrong, because I'm high…
[La da da da da da…]
And if I don't sell one copy, I'll know why…
[Why man?]
Yeah-heah,
'Cause I'm high, 'cause I'm high, 'cause I'm high…" Robin finishes singing as the group is bursting out laughing, from the sight of the sometimes uptight Robin singing a song like that. Well, all except Lobo, who had a tear in his eye.
"Preach it, my Bastich Brotha!" Lobo yelled as he started rolling his hand in the air.
Meanwhile, Bart was calming down but he was wondering about a particular line.
"Hey Cass, what does [Censored Censored] mean?"
"Eww, Bart! How could you ask me something like that!" She said as she turned his face from him.
"What? What I'd do now?"
"And now my second song is by Tom Lehrer, called 'Poisoning Pigeons in the Park'." Robin said with a frown on his face.
"Just remember, only two more songs after this…" Robin thought to himself as the next song began to appear on the screen.
"Spring is here, ah Spring is here,
Life is skittles and life is beer,
I think the loveliest time of the year is the Spring, I do, don't you? Course you do.
But there's one thing that makes spring complete for me…
And makes every Sunday a treat for me…
All the world seems in tune on a Spring afternoon when we're poisoning pigeons in the park!
Every Sunday you'll see my sweetheart and me as we poison the pigeons in the park!
When they see us coming, the birdies all try 'n' hide…
But they still go for peanuts when coated with cyanide…
The Sun's shining bright…
Everything seems all right when we're poisoning pigeons in the park!
We've gained notoriety and caused much anxiety in the autobon society with our games…
They call it impiety and lack of propriety and quite a variety of unpleasant names!
But it's not against any religion… to want to dispose of a pigeon!
So if Sunday you're free, why don't you come with me and we'll poison the pigeons in the park!
And maybe we'll do in a squirrel or two while we're poisoning pigeons in the park!
We'll murder them amid laughter and merriment…
Except for the few we take home to experiment…
My pulse will be quicken-in with each drop of stricken-en we feed to a pigeon…
It just takes a smidgen, as we're poisoning pigeons in the park!!!" Robin sings, as Impulse is laughing so hard he nearly falls off his chair, and Secret was shocked that Robin would sing about knocking off some pigeons.
Lobo on the other hand, is staring in amazement towards Robin.
"*Leans over to Empress* Y'know, I always figured Robin for a pansy bastich, but I'm starting to think he's really fragging bad-ass. I might have to take him up on his offer on poisoning some pigeons. Hey! Would you like to spend this next Sunday with me in the park?"
"Aaah, Lobo, I think my father and I had something planned…" Empress said as she scrambled to think of a more detailed reason on why she couldn't spend Sunday with Lobo, who obviously was now in the mood to go murder something.
"My third song is of the true nature of Love, and who you should marry. It's by Jimmy Soul and it's called… 'If You Wanna Be Happy'." And as the CD started to bring this song up, Robin foolishly believed that it would be normal.
"If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife…
So from my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you…
If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife…
So from my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you…
A pretty woman makes her husband look small…
And very often causes his downfall…
As soon as he marries her then she starts to do the things that'll break his heart…
But if you make an ugly woman your wife, you'll be happy for the rest of your life…
An ugly woman cooks meals on time; she'll always give you a peace of mind…
If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife…
So from my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you…
*As music plays, Secret thinks about Spoiler and comes to the sudden realization that he must like Steph because in his mind she's ugly! (Which validates Suzie's entire POV on Steph…)*
Don't let your friends say you have no taste, go ahead and marry anyway…
Her face is ugly, her eyes don't match, take it from me, she's a better catch…
If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife…
So from my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you…
Say man!
[Hey baby…]
I saw your wife the other day…
[Yeah?]
And she's ug-lyyyyyyy…
[She's ugly but she sure can cook, baby…]
Yeah, alright…
If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife…
So from my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you…
*Robin repeats this as the song ends*"
And while most of the team is either grinning or laughing, Robin looks to the screen to see the next song.
"My… god… Kon, look. I know I humiliated you, but you've already paid me back in full with these last three ones. Please, don't make me do this!"
"Too bad, so sad, little bird. You have to sing all of them or you have to re-sing those first three ones."
Robin sighs and decides to get it over with.
"And my last song for the evening, is by Hank, Stu, Dave and Hank called… *Groans* 'My Dead Dog Rover'."
"*Music Starts*
Oh it's a beautiful day outside, I think I'm gonna start mowing the lawn…
*Mower Revs in the background*
[Hey, how ya doing Dave?]
Okay Hank, what's going on?
[Ah, I'm looking for my dog, Rover. Darn dog got out and I can't find him anywhere, you haven't seen him, have ya?]
No… if I do, I'll let ya know!
[Okay, sure appreciate it, see ya later Dave…]
See ya later, Hank!
*Dog barks*
Well there's that Rover now…
Rover, get outta here! You can't come around here when I'm mowing the lawn, get outta here!
Rover, get outta here!
*Dog barks and then whines*
I'm looking over, my dead dog Rover, who I hit with a power mower…
One leg is missing, the other is gone, the third leg is scattered all over the lawn…
No need explaining, the one leg remaining, is spinning on the hardwood floor…
I'm looking over, my dead dog Rover, who I overlooked before…
*Various sounds of Dog barking and whining, and mower mowing something down…*
I'm looking over, my minced dog Rover, who I hit with a power mower…
My dog's not eating, he no longer barks…
He hit the propeller and turned into sparks…
No need explaining, there's no dog remaining…
He's part of the grass you see…
I'm looking over, my dead dog Rover, who I sent to Eternity!!!" Robin finishes as the dog's whining still booms out of the speakers.
While most members of the YJ gang are actually in a state of shock from the song, both Kon and Lobo are laughing their butts off.
"There. I'm done." Robin said with a little twitch in his eye.
"Okay guys, the shows over!" Kon laughs as most of the gang exits the Rec. Room.
Lobo comes up and pats Robin on the back, which knocks him down to the floor.
"Man, that was fragging fantastic! I know of a couple of interstellar karaoke bars where you can show off your talents, and we'll share a couple of beers, compliments of the Main Teen!" Lobo said as he strolled out of the room.
Before Robin could reach Kon-El, Secret came from behind him to show off her new 'look'.
"Say Robin, I know you're probably embarrassed, but I thought you did a good job."
Robin turned around to thank Secret for the compliment, when he saw her face.
She morphed her face so that clumps of hair were missing, made it so that her right eye was higher than her left eye, and that it seemed like some teeth were missing.
A wave of repulsion went through him as he tried his best to look away without making it obvious.
"Uh, thanks. I'll… I'll see you later." Robin said as he quickly turned around to see Kon-El's smirking face.
Robin quickly moved over to Kon-El and looked to see that Secret had exited.
Then, getting back to the business at hand, he asked…
"You didn't record this, did you?"
"Oh Alvin, how could you forget that I'm a man of class? Unlike you, I'd never do something like that!"
Robin's face didn't make any sort of reaction and he began to exit the room.
"I'm going to review some case files and then I'm going home. DO. NOT. UTTER. THIS. TO. ANYONE."
"I won't!" Kon said as Robin exits the rec. room.
Kon looks around to make sure that everybody is absolutely gone, looks into the left corner where Lobo was sitting and says,
"Okay, you can exit their minds now." And in the corner appeared Hero, who was costumed as some kind of mentalist, with a tape recorder in hand.
"Did you get it all on tape?"
"Yep. You can take this tape and pop it into any VCR and it'll play." Hero says as he hands Kon-El the tape.
"Thanks man. I really appreciate it."
"Hey, no prob. I needed a reason to get out of this week's Titan's LA meeting…" Hero said as he dialed H-E-R-O and morphed into the hero called Port and jumped into a portal.
"And now comes the real payback…" Kon said as he started laughing maniacally…
9:00 p.m., the Batcave.
Bruce gets a call on his Batcomputer and when he switches it on, he sees Superman's face on the screen.
"Please tell me that there's not another Crisis where I'm going to have to meet thousands of other heroes."
"No, it's not that… *Snorts* ah-hem, well the Justice League has something for you to review…" Superman says trying to keep his composure.
"Is it really important?"
"Really, really important."
"Ok, send whatever it is to my computer." And Superman complies with a big smile on his face.
Bruce notices that the file being downloaded is a video file.
He mused that it was probably of a crime scene that they wanted him to look over, but Clark's face was too jovial for that.
And as he opened up the video file, he saw why Superman was smiling.
10 minutes later…
Robin enters the Batcave and wonders why Bruce called him in.
But then he hears a peculiar sound, and then begins to recognize the music and his own voice.
"No… it couldn't be…"
But as Robin walked in, on the Batcomputer screen, was Robin dancing and singing to 'Because I Got High'.
"So, tell me Tim, do you get high often?" Bruce asked with a smirk.
Tim's face flushed red and veins appeared on his neck.
"KOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!"
And so ends another (wacky) day in the life of Young Justice.