Brilliant Disguise
Disclaimer: I neither own nor am associated with Leverage – the Show or the Physics applications. Brilliant Disguise belongs to the Boss, Bruce Springsteen.
Montenegro, 2003
"I've got you, Miss Devereaux." Nathan Ford whispered in his partner's ear as they danced across the ballroom floor. Sophie Devereaux looked up at him, her full lips parted, doe brown eyes meeting his blue ones.
"You do?" She whispered back, sans her accent of the week. For a moment they were just Sophie and Nate, not Grifter and Insurance Man.
I hold you in my arms
As the band plays
What are those words whispered, baby?
Just as you turn away
In the morning Sophie was gone. Although the base that brought them together (this time) remained. A slight victory, Nathan returned to IYS with the battle won, but the war still raging. Devereaux had escaped, meaning she'd grift again – a new battle would begin. She'd escaped because he'd let her, instead of arresting her in Montenegro he'd danced with her. This wasn't just a struggle against a con artist, but a war against his emotions. His feelings for her were his greatest enemy. He looked at his hands. His feelings for her weren't the enemy of his job alone. He was married.
I saw you last night
Out on the edge of town
I want to read your mind
To know just what I have in this new thing I've found
Maggie Sullivan Ford, she started as just another coed in a few of his classes, a few years younger because he was a nontraditional student. They had three classes together, and then many of the same friends. Their hobbies were similar, their religious attitudes meshed. It was a natural progression for them to date. When it was new there was romance. It continued and his heart ceased to race when he saw her. But comfort – over comfort and complacency wasn't a reason to break up. They graduated, they got jobs. It was a natural progression that they get married. So they did. Neat, logical, linear. You date, you marry. Few years later it seemed like it was part of the natural progression to have a kid. A year after they decided Maggie gave birth to Sam. It was instant adoration for Nathan; he loved his son more than anything – more than the boy's mother. Not that he'd admit that, even to himself. He was content, there was no reason to change, it upset the status quo. They were happy as things were. And then one evening he came home.
Maggie was at the kitchen table, Sam was in bed. She looked up at him when he walked in; he saw it in her eyes. The truth. She wasn't happy.
So tell me who I see
When I look in your eyes
Is that you, baby?
Or just a brilliant disguise
"Maggie, what's wrong?" he asked her quietly. She didn't cry.
"I'm not happy." She said. It surprised him, but it didn't. Deep down he knew, he just thought they'd never say.
"What can I do?" he sat across from her at the table. She swallowed, he braced himself.
"I want a divorce." For a moment it hung in the air. I want a divorce. Nathan felt like he should fight. This wasn't the natural progression of things. But maybe it was; perhaps all things must end. The world was finite.
"A divorce? Is there something I can do to make you happy? I'll work less, I'll stop traveling. I'll do anything to save us." He reached for her, taking her hand, fingers grazing the gold band he'd put there a decade before. The band that was about to become meaningless – if it wasn't already.
"I love you." He said, he had to – she was his wife, the mother of his child. And yet…
"You did, once." Maggie said, "And I loved you, but it's gone now." Nathan opened his mouth unsure what to say.
"Nathan, you were handsome – you still are. You were smart, and you were safe – I'd have been crazy to turn you down. We got along, I liked you – I still like you, but like is not love." Maggie met his eyes. "Content is not happy. I want to be happy – I want us both to be happy. And I want us to love, not like." Love was your heart skipping a beat every time you saw them. Love wasn't safe, love wasn't logical. It was racing hearts, tied tongues, and being all you could be – and more. Perhaps he had truly never loved Maggie. He had liked Maggie, he still did; but she was right – like was not love. Content was not happy.
"So what do we do now?"
I heard someone call your name
From underneath our willow
I saw something tucked in shame
Underneath your pillow
Well I've tried so hard baby
But I just can't see
What a woman like you
Is doing with me
They shared a bed that night – in the sense that it was him, her, their thoughts on the same mattress. So, this was what divorce felt like. It was a feeling no one ever wanted. And yet, he almost felt relieved. He would always like Maggie, but he'd never loved her. Had he ever loved?
Brown eyes and full lips danced a waltz in his head. Even with her memory his heart fluttered like a flag on the Fourth of July. He had loved – he did love. After years he was the same, his feelings didn't waver. They almost seemed stronger. He'd loved. He loves still, just not his wife. Was he in the wrong – falling in love with another while married? He'd never touched, but had he still cheated?
So tell me who I see
When I look in your eyes
Is that you, baby?
Or just a brilliant disguise
The papers work got finalized four months to the day after the talk around the kitchen table. Nathan found a small apartment, the assets were divided equally, the split peaceful. Sam took it surprisingly well. Perhaps he was too young to understand, or maybe he understood but was too young to care. He accepted that Mommy and Daddy still loved him but only liked each other and people don't marry for like. They married for love. He took the juggling well, enjoyed picking out his new room, loved boy's night.
Nathan traveled less, when he traveled he missed weekends – and missing weekends was not an option. When he did travel Sophie was not to be found. It was a blessing and a curse. Not casing her allowed him to deal with one set of emotions at a time. He ad Maggie never loved, but divorce still hurt. His feelings for Sophie Grew guilt and the guilt added to the hurt. But his feelings for her also made him hurt in her absence. It was a Catch 22, but life moved on. And then Sam got sick.
Now look at me, baby
Struggling to do everything right
And then it all falls apart
When out goes the light
And then Sam died and the world ended. Life wasn't fair, life was cruel. All Nathan could do was ask why? Why Sam? Why not him? Why couldn't he save him? The questions swirled like brandy in a snifter; answers were as elusive as sleep. Was this his fault? Was this karma for the divorce? Instead of Sam acting out or resenting him because of the divorce God just took him? Was this a punishment? It certainly felt like it. The son will pay for the sins of the father. Having loved another while married killed Sam. He was to blame.
An image of Sophie went before him. Dark hair, dark eyes, full lips, curves that could rival a mountain road. Quick whit, quick tongue, smart conversation. Grifter. He wanted to hate her – she was a thief, she stole his heart, he loved her and Sam was dead. It was her fault, not his. But he couldn't hate her. He just couldn't. He loved her.
I'm just a lonely pilgrim
I walk this world in wealth
I want to know if it's you I don't trust
'Cause I damn sure don't trust myself
***
Maggie held his hand as they walked down the pier, the carnival in full swing. Lights illuminated various fractions of her face, each time he looked she was different. She was a complicated beauty. But their relationship was simple and it was simply going nowhere. No change, no challenge. He need something, they needed something.
"Look, palm reading!" Maggie exclaimed, "Let's go in." she pulled him towards the caravan car set up. Madam Zorpa's looked like a Scooby Doo local.
"Her name's probably Prudence and she's from Wisconsin or something." He said cynically. Fortune telling was such a scam. Not only did they get your money, but they also got a hold of your future.
"Come on, have a little fun." Maggie wheedled, pouting. He looked down at her.
"Oh, alright." He sighed, she beamed.
"Ah," Zorpa said when they entered the car. "A man in need of a sign." Nathan's eyes grew wide. Zorpa smiled at him, her brown eyes meeting his. "You doubt me." She said.
***
Now you play the loving woman
I'll play the faithful man
But just don't look close
Into the palm of m hand
We stood at the alter
The gypsy said our future was right
But come the wee wee ours
Well maybe, baby, the gypsy lied
Nathan looked at his hands, now sans wedding band. They looked so different. His left thumb traced over his right palm, along the scar that crossed it. The scar cut his 'love line' in half. The love line the gypsy cited when she predicted eternal love. The line ended. Sod did the love.
So when you look at me
You better look hard and look twice
Is that me, baby?
Or just a brilliant disguise
And then Sophie was back. He brought her back. And with her came the old emotions, all the past. He successfully avoided her for three years, three seconds and he was back where he started. Except the rules had changed. She was now a citizen, he was not. He was single. There were no problems – and that was a problem.
Tonight our bed is cold
I'm lost in the darkness of our love
God have mercy on the man
Who doubts what he's sure of
"Oh, uh, I've been meaning to ask you, uh, how was it, you know, talking to Maggie again?" They kept on friendly terms, he and Maggie, after the divorce, they didn't hate each other, but they didn't make each other happy either. But once Sam died their connection died as well. It'd been two years since they spoke.
"Good, Strange, but good." He said, both true. It was odd to feel so empty and disconnected to a person he was once so intimate with. It also brought up guilt. The whole job brought up guilt – imagine, feeling guilty when dealing with the Catholic Church.
"I still feel uh -"
"Guilty about Sam."
"No, no, not that, well yeah, I mean, and other things…" It went beyond that. He thought he'd dealt with everything, but he clearly hadn't.
"You never cheated on her, Nate."
"I know, I know. Tempted." He said, memories flooding back.
"No, no you weren't."
"I was." He was.
"Not really. You've always been the good guy. That's, uh, that's what made it fun, part of what made it fun between us… back then." Not is first choice of words. But that was then.
"And what about now?" he asked.
"I don't know, what about now. That's what we have to figure out…" she said, "Oh, and by we, I, um, mean you of course." She said softly.
"Of course." He whispered.
"Just don't take too long." She said walking away. Nathan looked down, his thumb rubbing his scar. The line ended. Love ended. The line picked up again. Nathan looked up.
I have no idea how Nathan and Maggie came to be, nor how the came not to be. I also have no personal connection to an amicable divorce. My parents are still married, my aunt divorced an abusive husband, I don't know anything about the feelings I wrote, but I thought writing about them would allow for exploration. That and this song by Springsteen (one of my favorites) struck me, I thought of Nate and Sophie playing each other. It evolved from there.