Ok so first day back to my first year of college. And I'm in a rather…odd mood. Mostly depression because…well, I saw my ex-boyfriend; a lot. And at one point his mate said hey to me, I said hey back as I was in a rush to get somewhere and my ex was just all "why are you talking to her?" and I was all…coz I was the one who cheated wasn't I?!
Then I bumped into him at lunch and he was all "sorry about before." And I went to him "Yeah ok." Then I got a text from my mate and the ex was like "who the hell is he?!" all jealous like so, I'm confused and depressed coz I saw him later on at lunch with his girlfriend; the slut.
So…yeah. Sorry, had to vent :P
So, this may be depressing…I'm not sure.
Self-Realisation
You should be ashamed of what you did and yet, you're not. You should be though. A part of you is but, that's the smallest part of you possible. All of you should be ashamed though. You ripped his heart out…you stomped all over it…broke it into thousands of tiny pieces. And because of that, he's the man no one knows anymore.
Time's flown by you keep thinking. How long has it actually been since you talked to him? Or have you stopped counting?
The amount of texts he's left is unbelievable. As is the amount of voice messages. Messages you refuse to answer. The current count of voice messages on your answer machine is I believe, 67. Maybe more…you haven't got home yet have you? It's almost as if you're afraid to go home and see how many messages he's left. But, who's counting eh?
You sure aren't.
"Mitchie are you even listening to me?"
You turn at the slightly annoyed and tired voice. "Sorry." You whisper.
"Look I know you're hurting or whatever but, we're here for me remember?" Caitlyn sighed.
"I'm not hurting." You mumbled. No...You're not. Do you have any idea what pain he's in because of you? Why are you hiding behind your true emotions?
"What the hell has happened to you?" Caitlyn asked; her eyes glazing over slightly. She's asking a valued question you know…what has happened to you?
Even you don't know.
"I'm going to go. I have to clear my head." You nod as you run from the room and out of the apartment.
You don't know what he's going through…you don't care…do you?
…
Anger pulses through you and you slam the door shut. Screaming you slide down the door as tears fill your eyes. Your fists clench together and you watch as they slowly turn white.
What has happened to you Mitchie?
Brushing away your tears you make to stand up but your knees give in briskly for a minute. You take one deep breath before leaning on all fours and then attempting to stand up once more. Sighing you walk; barely to the cabinet where you keep your phone.
75. That's right…you have 75 messages in three days. That's an average of 25 messages per day. And trust me; they'll be about 3minutes long.
You bite your lip…do you listen to them? Or a few? Or none? The old Mitchie would listen to them all and relish in the feeling that someone loves you that much. The new Mitchie however thinks he's being desperate, needy, and clingy and he simply needs to get over it.
He only wants to know what he's done wrong…why you fell out of love with him. If you had…
You continue to bite your lip as you hit the play button. You groan realising it's not his voice flowing gently through the machine but, your mother's.
"Mitchie…how are you? I haven't heard from you in a while…I'm worried…Shane hasn't heard from you either…he's in panic over drive. Why don't you come home and we can talk about it?"
You groan again. Obviously she'd want to talk to you about Shane…the 'son she never had'. You roll your eyes as you hit delete. Your fingers go to your lips as you ponder over whether or not to press play once more and…against your better judgement; although it shouldn't be, you press it.
"Mitchie…" You hear a sob. "I'm sorry." You frown. "I don't know what I've done but, whatever it is I'm sorry. I miss you." You feel tears burn the backs of your eyes as you hear him choke. "Please baby…" You shiver and sigh at yourself. Didn't expect him to still make you do that did you? "Just…call me…if you don't I guess I can take the hint that it's…it's…" You wipe the tears as they cascade down your cheeks. "Over."
And you hear the dial tone. It was over now Mitchie. He won't call anymore and you sure as hell aren't going to call him. One question though…why? Why won't you call him and explain?
You know you're being ridiculous over all of this…you're Mitchie Torres…soon to be Gray…remember?
…
"Rain rain; go away…come again another day."
You sigh as you quietly sing as you watch the rain drops drip down the window and onto the window pane. You glance at the phone.
Why don't you just pick it up? Pick it up and call him. Apologise for your stupidness and tell him you love him…we all know you want to.
"Hello?"
You turn at the sound of his voice. He smiles sheepishly as he closes your apartment door.
"You could have knocked." You hiss at him. He glares back; you cower slightly.
"What the hell is going on with you Mitchie?!" he shouts. You hadn't expected him to come around. You thought he'd be on Shane's side.
"Go away Nate." You turn around and clench at your fists once more; releasing your anger as your fingers cut into your hands. Do you even feel the pain? The heartbreak?
"I'm not leaving until I get answers." Nate stated standing in front of you. His glare softens when you look up at him. He doesn't see what you see. You see a strong, brave twenty one year old when you look in the mirror. Nate sees a crumbling, lost and lonely girl. "He's in tatters." He whispers.
You turn away from him and he notices you gulp. It's not easy forgetting him is it? You didn't expect him to go all suicidal on your ass did you?
"So?" you ask, fake venom in your voice.
"Shane's scaring me…all of us. He hasn't left his room in three days."
You look back at him and notice the bags under his eyes. "That's not my problem." You say stubbornly. When did you become such a bitch Mitchie?
"Fuck you." Nate grumbles. Your eyes narrow into slits.
"What did you say?" You ask; your voice dangerously low. Have you realised Mitchie, that you've changed into the person Shane used to be…before you?
"I said fuck you!" he shouted moving away to the door. You stand up and march towards him. "He would have helped you get through whatever shit it is you're going through." You shake your head. "What's happened to Mitchie? My little sister…Shane's love of his life?"
"She changed!" You snap. Tears cascade like water falls down your cheeks as you fall to the floor. Nate rushes to your side only for you to push him away.
"Mitchie…" He whispers worry evident across his features.
"She changed!" you shout again as you begin to breath heavily with the uncontrolled sobs. "I'm not me anymore! I've never been the way I am! For the past five years 'Mitchie' has disappeared!"
"What?" Nate asks you gobsmacked. "You're still the girl I met five years ago…you're still the same girl Shane fell in love with." Nate tried to reason only, your stubbornness came through. You shook your head.
"No I'm not!"
"How though? Where did all these wacko ideas come from?" he asks taking a seat in front of you. He grabs your hands and you allow him to hold them gently.
"Because…" You sigh. See…I knew you didn't know the real reason you thought you'd 'changed'. "I kiss him…and it doesn't embarrass me anymore. When he sees me naked…I'm not conscious anymore. When I said yes to marrying him I didn't have any second thoughts. When he says he loves me…"
You blink as Nate sits there grinning like an idiot. What?
"What?"
"You are so in love with him." You open your mouth only for him to stop you. "You say you've changed because of all these things when in reality…you've just fallen so in love with him that you know that no matter what he'll love you too. So when you kiss him, you know he enjoys it so there's no need for you to be embarrassed about whether or not you've done a good enough job. And when he sees you naked," He coughs awkwardly. "You know that he loves you and he thinks you're beautiful just the way you are. And as for the saying yes thing…you know how much you love him so…there's no need for a second thought…it's an easy one."
You look away from him. He's right isn't he Mitchie? You haven't changed…you've just been so scared of your feelings for him you feel as if you have.
Well…you love him…and that's that.
…
"Go away Nate!"
You smile sadly hearing his weak, tearful voice. Ignoring him you open his bedroom door and gasp quietly. The room was a mess. Clothes were thrown everywhere, drawers had been left open and pictures of you and him were tilted over so he wouldn't have to look at your beautiful face. Your eyes swiftly move to him and you gulp as tears fill your eyes. His hair was a curly mess, his was lying flat on his bed, shirt thrown off to the side as he layed half under the covers and half not. He turned and glared.
"I said get out!" And that's when he realised that it wasn't his annoying band mate…it was you. His Mitchie.
"Hey," You whisper, your throat closing up slightly. His forehead creases in confusion as he moves from his bed to stand in front of you. You smile a small, sad smile as you move one of your hands to touch his cheek. His eyes close at the touch and you feel those tingles you'd both missed. You smile as his own hand comes into contact with the hand on his cheek. "I'm so sorry."
He nods. He knows the reason you're there is to say sorry, to tell him you love him…to get that gorgeous diamond ring back on your left ring finger. Just admit it, you'd felt naked without it over the week. He bends down and attaches his lips to your own. Doesn't it feel good Mitchie? To have his lips back on your own?
Yes…
"What made you come home?" He asks placing his forehead against yours.
"Nate made me realise something." You whisper.
"What's that then?"
"I thought I wasn't who I used to be…when in reality, you make me who I am…"
He grins. "You make yourself who you are."
"Yeah…but, you help."
You smile up at him. There's another reason why you love him. The way he easily forgives stupid things you do. He'd do anything to have you in his arms for the rest of his life. And…he knows and understands you. Which is why he won't ask you any more questions about what had went on.
"I love you." He whispered and you tingle all over.
"I love you too."
"Good to be home isn't it?" he smirked.
You laughed before kissing him. "Don't push it."
Random…really random…
Anyway…review please?