It was one in the morning in early January, and Jared Kleinman's phone was ringing. He grabbed his glasses from the nightstand, and picked up his phone. He looked through the blinding light to see "Heidi Hansen" flashing on the screen.

Great, he groaned. What did Evan do now?

He answered the phone. "Hello?"

Sobbing was coming from the other end. "Jared... It's Evan's mother... Evan..."

Jared was instantly awake. "What's wrong? Where's Evan?"

Heidi stopped sobbing enough to mutter words Jared never wanted to hear. The words that broke him. The words that he knew would eventually come. The words he could've stopped. The words he knew were caused by him.

He barely remembered driving to the Hansen house. Pulling into their driveway, he noticed the Murphy's car was there. Heidi was gone

Zoe looked at Jared, tears in her eyes. "I didn't know... I didn't think..."

Jared couldn't bring himself to say he always thought it would happen. That somewhere, in the back of his mind, it would happen, but he never stopped it. And he would never forgive himself.

Cynthia looked up. "Heidi is in the hospital with... With Evan."

Larry was silent.

"No... It can't be true" Jared muttered. He glanced at Zoe to tell him everything was fine, to tell him Evan was still here. But she only looked at him with pure sadness in her eyes, confirming what had happened.

Not true, he repeated over and over again in his head. Maybe if he thought it enough, it wouldn't be true. Not true. Not true.

But it was. The one person Jared truly cared about was gone. And he had left believing that he had no friends and his "family friend" hated him.

It has to be a dream.

But it wasn't a dream. It was a real thing Jared could've stopped. He could've held back on their fight. But he didn't, and now, the only friend he ever had was gone.

Jared ran to Evan's room, falling onto his bed and sobbing into his pillow, the last smells of Evan Hansen.

Jared awoke later with his parents at his side. He was back home.

"What...?" he asked groggily, groping around his nightstand for his glasses.

Then he remembered the night before, the crushing thoughts of everything that happened.

"Jare, honey, I'm so sorry," his mother brushed part of his hair out of his face. "I know he was a close friend."

Those words hurt more. It only reminded him of how he never told Evan that he was his only friend.

"How did I get back here?" Jared asked, sitting up. Wrapped around him was Evan's pale blue blanket he had had since he was little. Evan made Jared promise not to tell anyone. "And Evan's blanket..."

"Cynthia Murphy called," his father responded, not as gentle as his mother, but still caring. "She told us you locked yourself in Evan's room and was upset. We had to break the lock to get you out. You were sobbing, holding that blanket like it was your child. Heidi said you could have it, since you were Evan's friend."

There was that word again. Friend. Something Evan believed Jared wasn't.

"Do you want anything?" his mother asked.

I want Evan back! he felt like screaming.

But instead, he shook his head and laid back down.

A week later, Jared arrived back to school. Literally no one was talking about Evan's death, and it maddened him. Connor Murphy, the idiotic druggie, had made a whole scene. Now, he seemed to be the only one who remembered him. Most people didn't like Evan in the first place, he was the nerd who stood in front of the class saying "Um..." until he ran to the bathroom and refused to come out of the stall until Jared managed to coax him out. That was when he figured out he liked Evan.

He strutted up to a small group of boys. "Hey, so you guys must have had a good weekend. Enough hours to catch up on all you jerking off."

One of the guys, Will Chen, glared at him. "Jesus, Kleinman, is that all you think about? Is that all you do?" He left Jared alone.

Jared banged his head against his locker. Every time he tried to join a group, he was rejected. His humor he worked hard to come up with always turned everyone away. Which was why Evan had been his only friend, even if Evan didn't realize it.

Jared grabbed his books from his locker and went to his classes. For the first time, he was completely alone. Usually, Evan was in his classes and Jared felt more comfortable. Now he was in the back corner, trying to get Jason to forget about their earlier conversation. Out of all twenty kids in the class, he had gotten shoved with Will. Will took both twelfth grade math, and a college-level course ("Shove the Chinese kid in the college math courses," he'd joke.)

"I liked math better back in fourth grade," Jared told him. "Like, the 'I have 4 groups of 20 apples' kinds of problems."

Will rolled his eyes. "Look, Jared, have you ever considered the reason nobody likes you is because you make dumbass jokes all the time?"

Well, of course Jared knew that. But humor was the only way he knew how to hide himself. To be a jerk to everyone made him feel better about himself.

But the bell rang, and Will left without another word.

Jared went to the cafeteria, and sat alone at his usual table. Sometimes some of the band geeks and science nerds would sit with him and Evan, but today, they sat with each other.

Great, Jared thought. Even the band kids left me.

Jared would have joined band, but he couldn't figure out how to play any of the instruments. He had been invited to the Science Olympiad team, but he didn't want people to think he was a nerd.

"Hey, um, is this seat taken?" a voice behind him asked.

Jared looked up to see a girl with wavy-ish brown hair and deep brown eyes pointing at the seat across from him where is bag was. He felt himself blush, she was kind of pretty, but swallowed the feelings.

"Uh... No. It's not," he finally said, moving his backpack. She sat down.

"I'm Meredith Bloom," she said. "I'm new here. Moved here from Colorado."

"I'm Jared Kleinman, and I never learned how to fucking read," he replied, a smirk dancing on his lips.

Meredith just stared at him blankly.

"Nevermind," he blushed. "Anyways, yeah I'm Jared. And I'm not new, just the loser nobody wants to sit with."

This time, Meredith laughed. Her laugh was the kind that cleared the air. Then, she looked back at Jared, and the fact he was the only one at the 8-person table. "So, you've sat alone for all of high school?"

Jared shook his head. "There was this other kid, this gigantic nerd I was friends with..." he trailed off, trying to hold back emotions. He said too much.

"Is he sick or something?" Meredith asked. Jared wanted to be that innocent, to think that Evan just had a flu, and not anxiety, depression, and ending up killing himself.

"No, um, he... He died. Last week," Jared whispered. He became suddenly interested in his zipper.

Mere's face fell. "Oh. I'm so sorry." She gently touched Jared's arm.

There was silence in the blaring loud cafeteria.

Suddenly, Jared poked the "chicken" with his fork. "They call this chicken breast. I'm pretty sure it's more of a chicken dick."

Meredith smiled, but it seemed forced. Jared guessed she was still troubled over the fact she was sitting in a dead kid's seat.

"You should come over this afternoon," she offered. "My dad would probably like to meet you."

"I doubt that," Jared smirked. "I'm not exactly what you'd call a good 'role model'," he said, making air quotes.

Meredith laughed again and the bell rang. "I'll see you," she said, grabbing her bag. "Meet me at the back door later?"

"Sure," Jared said, and she left.

Holy shit, he thought. I am not getting back into love.

But he was.

Jared walked into the locker room - one of his least favorite places. It smelled like sweat, fights broke out twice a week, and half the time, some kid was shoved in a locker. He was about three people away from being that kid.

His locker was carefully chosen - hidden in a corner away from everyone. He seemed to be unnoticed most days. He looked at the locker next to him, Evan's. He touched it wistfully, remembering it all. If Evan had been alive, he would be there with him.

"Yeet, motherfucker!" someone yelled, and Jared felt his pants jerk down. He rolled his eyes, and turned around, pulling them back up. Jack Finn. Of course.

"The fuck, man?" he growled.

"Bro, I was helping you. I mean, you'd have to take them off eventually," he reasoned, looking way to innocent. "It's called being a good person."

"It's called being an ass. Piss off." Sighing, he turned to open his locker. The stupid gym uniform, that barely fit him seemed to stare up at him, taunting him. He tugged it on, and slammed his locker shut, going out to the field behind the school. He trudged over to the field. Soccer. How awesome.

"Get over here, Kleinman!" the P.E teacher, Coach Marcus, screamed. Jared rolled his eyes, before awkwardly jogging over. He was the last to make it to the field, and Coach glared at him.

"Okay. Split into teams. Jack and David. You two are captains." Coach stepped away, as usual, and sat in a lawn chair on his phone. He answered a call - something about a garage door. Knowing Coach, he had probably been on his phone and crashed into the door.

Jack started off. They called out every person in the class, and finally got to Jared. David looked at Jack. "He's yours," he said, looking pretty happy with himself.

Jack groaned. He turned to Jared. "Don't fuck us up, please?" It was more of an order than a question. Jared knew how horrible at sports, and the class knew it. He was usually picked last, and he really just stood at defense.

Jack tossed the bag of pinnies to David. "We get Kleinman, you get these." Great. Jared was now being compared to a bag of smelly, old, jerseys. He stood in his usual spot, the corner of the field without anyone paying attention to him.

All the good players dashed around the field, blocking and scoring goals. David kicked one, straight at him. He put up his hands to block the ball, and the force made him wince.

"PK!" David yelled, high-fiving one of the other kids. Jack facepalmed. Jared backed away from the ball, not sure what to do. "Kleinman, put the damn ball on the PK line," David called.

"Uh... PK?"

Jack groaned. He grabbed the ball, and set it down, where there was no line. He glared at Jared. "Wow. You scored a PK. For the other fucking team. And your off the field."

"Dude... I don't really uh..." Jared trailed off. He had no idea how to play soccer - or any sports for that matter. He glanced at the other kids, already going back to playing.

Jack sighed. "PK. Penalty kick. Because you handballed...?"

"Oh."

He did not understand at all, but Jack just punched him in the shoulder, and ran back to the game. Jared just watched - not knowing what to do. A few goals were scored on his team, and he was glad he wasn't the reason that they were scored.

Afterwards, they piled back into the locker room, and Jared tried to steer clear of Jack and David. He got back into his regular clothes, which were much more comfortable, and walked out of the locker room. Usually, he tried to slip into a conversation (which also didn't go too well), but today, he wasn't feeling it. He felt numb still - like he was just moving around, not feeling anything.

Not feeling anything besides the guilt, which was slowly taking over his life.