A/N: Welcome to my very first parody. The idea actually popped into my head when I was working on my Voyager-fiction, and I just wrote it down. I have no idea how long it's going to last. But anyway, R&R, let me know what you think.

Disclaimer: I do not own StarTrek, Paramount does. And Paramount better make a sequel to Nemesis soon (hopefully with the Voyager-crew... one can dream!)

The USS Blowdryer

'Captain's log, stardate: 1234.5.
After crashing the Enterprise, once again, Starfleet gave me command of another ship, an experimental Swarzeneggar-class which apparently takes a helluva lot to destroy.
I wonder if I should consider that a challenge… Just wait until the next Reman warship comes across my path…
The crew finds the name of the ship, the USS Blowdryer, particularly ironic for some reason, though I fail to grasp the comedy of it… Anyway, today I'm expecting a visit from Admiral Janeway in honour of the first flight of this new ship.
How did she get promoted before me anyway? All she did was take a joyride across the Delta Quadrant. I could do that.
Bureaucratic bastards…'

'Captain, this is Ensign Doe from transporter-room one…' the comm. suddenly sounded.
'What? Ensign, I told you not to call me on this line!'
'Ehm… yeah. Sorry Captain, but Admiral Janeway has just arrived. She's en route to your office.'
Damn that woman… Picard thought.
'Yes, fine Ensign… Next time warn me in advance will you! Picard out.'
At that time Picard's office-doors swooshed open and Admiral Janeway entered.
'Hello Captain.' She said.
'Ah, Admiral, welcome, welcome. Take a seat. Something to drink?'
'Yeah, sure. I'll have whatever you're having.' She said.
Picard turned to his replicator.
'Tea, Earl Grey, hot!' He said.
'Whoa, wait a minute Picard. Earl Grey? Scratch that, I'll have a coffee, thank you very much.' Janeway said.
'And a coffee…' Picard added grumbling.
Picard turned again to catch Janeway staring at him in thought.
'There's something I never understood about you, Picard…' She said.
'Yes?' Picard said when he'd set a mug of coffee in front of Janeway, and brought his own teacup to his mouth, lifting his pinkie-finger.
'You're supposed to be French, aren't you?' Janeway asked.
'I am French.' Picard said, pointing to a picture on his desk, of his parents on their vineyard back on earth.
'Then what's with that nancy-British accent?' Janeway asked and sipped from her mug.
Picard almost splashed out his sip of tea.
'What are you talking about, British accent? I am one hundred percent French, thank you very much, g'vner! I'll bet my bowler-hat!
No, we used to have a milkman back in France… now he had a British accent. My mother used to invite him before I was born. She continued to do so when I was still a little boy. He had the same beverage every day… Earl Gray-tea, hot… And he always tucked his shirt down whenever he stood up…Hey, wait a minute!' Picard said, falling silent in realisation, and staring at the wall in shock.
'Euh, yeah, anyway…' Janeway said as she stood up.
'Good luck with the first flight Jean-Luc.'
'Yes… thank you Admiral…' Picard said, still somewhat absent-minded.
'Wait, won't you stay for the flight?' he asked
'No, Picard. I have pressingmatters to attend to. My nail polish isn't going to apply itself.'
'But what about dinner? Fish and Chips?'
'I'll take a rain check' Janeway said.
'Well… alright… but If you're ever in need of a Blowdryer, just give us a call.' He said
Janeway looked around, narrowing her eyes.
'Are you trying to be smart with me, Captain!' She said as she shook her luxurious head of hear.
'No, not at all, Admiral. What do you mean?' Picard asked.
'Never mind,' Janeway said, blaming it on his jealousy.
'Good day, Admiral!' He shouted after her, thinking it never hurt to suck up to the brass.

After Janeway was gone, Picard stood up, tucked down his jacket, and went to the bridge.
'Nr 1!' He called as he walked to his seat.
'Yes sir!' Commander Madden responded.
'Who the hell are you?' Picard said.
'Well I'm… I'm your first officer, sir. Commander Madden.' Madden said.
'No you are not. My nr 1 has a beard! Bring me him this instant!' Picard said.
'Sir? If you're referring to Commander Riker, he's no longer your first officer. He's Captain of the Titan sir.'
'Is he now…' Picard said.
'Damn him. He isn't Captain of the Titan until I say he is! We will go get him!' Picard said as he sat down.
'Ensign,' He said to the conn.
Set course for the USS Titan. Full warp. Engage!' He did the pointy thing with his hand.
'Ehm, sir?' the Ensign said nervously.
'Make it so!' Picard said.
'Well, alright…' The Ensign said.
'Setting course… Warp 9, sir.'
'Good.' Picard said.

They quickly left the system, en route to the USS Titan…