Lacey Ariana Petty
5/30/06
First Kiss of the Last Irken:
Part One
Disclaimer: I do not own Invader Zim, nor do I own any of the books in the vague literary references.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'TALL ONES UNREACHABLE'!" screeched Zim.
The computer whirred into monotonous response. "The Irken government has been usurped by a coup of the Blargian postal slaves. The Irken army has been dismantled. All Irkens who did not submit to Blargian rule have been killed, imprisoned, or enslaved and used to replace the Blargians as postal workers."
That staggered Zim for a moment.
Then he had a thought. "...Computer, why was Zim not contacted earlier?"
"The invader Irken 42, a.k.a. Zim, was not on any formal forums or rosters for the Irken army. Nor was Zim on any census for the Irkens."
"...Was there any information pertaining to Zim?"
"There were three instances in which the Irken Zim was mentioned. The first is the birth form from the Incubation lab. The second is an article in 'The Irken Informer' about the destruction of the lunch site before Impending Doom I. The third is in a public blog by the Tall Ones." And with that, the computer brought up the shared blog by the Irken leaders.
...OH YEAH! WE HAVE SENT ZIM TO SOME BACK-WATER PLANET CALLED EE-ARTH. HE WONT RUIN IMPENDING DOOM II. WHAT A MOOK, HE ACTUALLY THINKS WE'VE SENT HIM ON A STOP-SECRET MISSION! WE EVEN GAVE HIM AN OLD MALFUNCTIONING SIR BOT!...
Zim didn't need to read any more. He was just a big joke to them. All his Irken pride, his patriotic exuberance... It had been four years since he had come to Earth, and even he would admit he had been overzealous. But...this was cruel...
He switched off the computer and stalked out of the room. Gir was sitting on the couch watching reruns of that retched Angry Monkey show. It was after he stopped to pat Gir on the head on his way out that Zim realized he was going soft.
That's it, he thought as he stepped out the door, no more human books. Research or not, he was losing his edge to Orison Scott Card and Issac Asimov.
It was nearly nine o'clock and the sky was tinted brown with smog and city lights. Only a bare few stars and the single large Earth moon were visible. Even so late in the evening, cars still rushed past at a steady pace.
At sixteen, Zim was alone in the universe.
He walked all the way to his high school before considering returning home to wallow in a little self-pity. He had walked nearly all the way to the fence around the school yard before he realized there was someone already there. It took him a moment to figure out who the tall lanky figure belonged to. Dib was sitting on the fence, facing away from him.
He considered just turning around right then and there but...no; his pride would not allow him turn this into some self-serving charade. A loss is a loss. You can not run from yourself; where ever you run, there you are. Even if he would never tell Dib the truth, Zim himself would still know.
So, he walked over to the fence and leaned against it next to the taller boy. "What are you looking at, human?"
Dib jumped back, startled and pulled his new collapsible bow staff from the sheath on his back, ready for a fight.
"Put it away, stink-beast Dib. I have no intention of fighting tonight."
He looked suspiciously at the poorly disguised alien. The lame contacts had never changed, but, over the last few years, Zim's personal sense of style had. To blend in, he had replaced his red uniform with jeans and a black tee-shirt with silver safety-pins hanging from the sleeves.
Dib returned his bow staff to the sheath under his trench coat, but remained wary.
"What are you up to, Zim?" he asked harshly. Why did the invader look so defeated today? What could have happened to take away all of his usual exuberance; his angry, patriotic verve? Where was that ambitious drive to proof himself?
Zim looked at him with that gaze that always seemed to push right through the contacts. The alone Irken solider took a deep breath, and prepared himself for what he had to say.
"You win, Dib..." he said, very quietly.
The paranormal investigator nearly fell over backward. "W-what?"
"Gahk! Must I repeat myself ? You win! There is no more invasion. I was nothing more than a pathetic joke to my leaders and now I am no more than another lost solider on a mission that no longer exists..." With that, Zim turned away from his human nemesis. He was to rattled, to emotional. A solider does not cry. A solider does not feel. A solider does not hurt. A solider only fights. The mantra from Irken basic training bounced uselessly inside his head. A dark blue tear dribbled down his face, forcing him to remove his contacts and wipe his red eyes.
"Zim...?" Dib was closer now, with a look of genuine fear on his face. This was the alien that had tried countless times to take over the world. The invader, who against all reason, had everyone else fooled. The monstrous extraterrestrial egotist... who was crying...
"It's not even worth it to keep trying to conquer this dirt clot any more. Who shall I present the spoils to? Who do I report my victory to? The Blargians, who have over thrown the Tall Ones? Even if I could still report back, I should have known I was just their pitiful little joke..."
Dib didn't know what to do. What do you do when your arch-enemy for the past four years gives up and starts crying? Zim turned around and started to walk home. Dib had a truly wretched feeling in his gut, and didn't want the Irken to leave, not like this. The proud Zim, utterly down trodden.
"Zim, wait!" he called.
The alien turned around, after wiping his eyes dry again. "What do you want, Earth-beast? To take me to your Area 51? I may be defeated, but I will not be further humiliated by an inferior being-"
Dib cut him off. "I just wanted to ask you something, Zim. What will you do now?"
"I...I do not know... Tell me something, human Dib, have you ever read 'Ender's Game?'"
"I always hated the ending."
"Why?"
"Because even after all his grief and all his accomplishments; even though he has his sister and the next bugger queen with him, Ender is still, essentially, alone and always will be." Dib tilted his head at Zim, waiting for a response. The invader just looked at him sadly.
Zim sighed and said, "Quite the reverse of this situation, isn't? The alien on Earth, all alone in the universe."
"You aren't alone, Zim. You still fall snuggly into the category of 'geek loser' at our high school, remember?"
Zim frowned. "Are you making fun of me, or making a sad attempt at cheering me up?"
"Oh, I would never presume to take away the only job Gir is any good at."
The invader did laugh at that. And laughed. And laughed. And fell against the fence, laughing until he started to cry again. Maybe it was just some inferior human thing, but Dib couldn't stand seeing his old enemy cry like this.
The tall human took Zim by the shoulders and slammed him against the fence, shaking the black wig from his head. He looked the Irken straight in the eyes. "Now you listen to me, Zim," he said, mentally kicking himself for what he was about to do. "You were a powerful opponent, an amazing intellect, and a big pain in the ass, usually. If your going to just sit here feeling sorry for yourself, then I don't understand why I ever saw you as a threat to begin with. If you are really as much of a failure as your saying, then at least face the fact with some freaking backbone, man!"
"Well, what the fuck am I supposed to do?" Zim cried, softy.
"Resorting to using human curse words now, have we? You know my sister Gaz. What do you think she does when she just can't win at a game? She finds a new one! If you can't make it as an Irken solider any more, then what? Try to make it as a human and quit being such a whiney bitch about it!"
"I am not being a whiney bitch, you pathetic stink-beast!" said Zim, indignantly.
Dib smiled. "See? There's the bad-ass invader I know."
The human stood and offered a hand up to the Irken, which was, surprisingly accepted.
"...Thank you, Dib. Perhaps I will try really being human..."
"You're already closer than most humans I know."
Zim tilted his head, questioningly.
"I'll explain later," said Dib, laughing.
Then, Dib had a thought. "You know, I'd bet good money that Gaz could fix Gir's A.I. She's really getting into that stuff, and anything she doesn't know, I'm sure one of her mySpace friends will know.."
"Do you honestly think she will be able to handle my alien technology?"
Finni, Part One