Notes 1: This draft has been sitting in my laptop for the past year but I could never find the words to finish it until I stumbled upon Replay Value's YouTube channel. You guys need to talk to me more, why didn't anyone tell me about him? I've been missing out! Also, I needed someone to hold me after reading The Long Holiday. Like, yo, Yonezawa-sensei, how dare you? For the longest time, I was so confused about Oreki's outburst with Irisu-senpai. I knew he felt lied to but I didn't get it until I read the chapter. And, oh boy, it made so much sense after I was done with volume 6. Would read again, 10/10, even though it broke my heart!
Notes 2: I'm writing this because I am tired of people not seeing the connection of how and when Oreki and Chitanda influence each other. For a show that talks about pink/grey life so much, I'm stunned people miss the point! CAN'T YOU SEE THEY'RE CHANGING?!
Notes 3: I don't blame you if you don't understand this fic. It's all snippets and flashbacks. And I don't know my birds.
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without consideration
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– contains SPOILERS from the light novel, volume 6, particularly, The Long Holiday –
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Give my heart a holiday
– Troye Sivan, Strawberries Cigarettes
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i
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"I like unpacking things." Chitanda had said, one of the first few personal details she had ever mentioned to Oreki. "I want to know how the whole system works, not just the individual parts. I want to understand everything, I'm curious!"
And by those words alone, Oreki really should have had understood how her mind worked. But he didn't, because he was detached. Not exactly colourless, but on a long holiday.
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"That's fine then. I won't stop you. There shouldn't be anything wrong with that, right? I don't think anything you're saying is incorrect. From now on, you should go on a long holiday. It'll be for the best. Take it nice and easy. It's okay. Even if, while you're resting, you can't change yourself fundamentally. I'm sure someone will end your holiday for you."
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"It wasn't what Hongou-senpai would have wanted."
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"Oreki," Ibara whispers harshly; pulling the low energy 'slug of a boy' into a private corner. The tone of her voice forces him to look at her and not at the door where Chitanda and Satoshi had just walked out off. She says to him, "There's something I want to ask you."
"What is it?" Houtarou lets the question slip before he realises the seriousness in her words. It's scary. "Hey …"
"The ending to the film, you came up with the solution, right?" Ibara asks, always straight to the point, heart on her sleeve. She doesn't even hide the hint of irritation in her voice.
"Yes." Houtarou says, but there is hesitancy in his voice.
She presses on, "All of it?"
"Probably." Houtarou answers.
Ibara blinks in confusion. Isn't Oreki's talent picking up clues and piecing things together? Since when has he been the kind to pull something out of thin air? She knows Oreki isn't the type to ignore all the signs so this is …
Ibara finds herself frowning slightly, a feeling gathering in her belly. The trick didn't match with all the clues present. She asks, "What about Haba-senpai?"
"Haba?" Houtarou echoes, not connecting the dots.
"Oreki," Ibara hisses his name, the importance behind that single word. "What about the rope?"
He freezes, realisation hitting him hard. Out of defense Houtarou's eyes wander to the door, like he doesn't want anyone walking into the scene and watching him face the reality of his mistake.
(Or maybe it's to run away?)
Ibara doesn't really know the answer to that or what to say. The only thing she notes is, nobody's there to catch the look on his face but her. It makes her feel bad. It makes her want to apologize. He's hurt.
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"Your trick wasn't bad, Houtarou." Satoshi says under the clear blue sky as they stood on the bridge connecting two school buildings together. The praise that had slipped out of his lips had sounded dry and maybe even tasted like it too. Too carefully thought off, like walking on eggshells.
"But?" Houtarou asks, knowing there was more than just a simple compliment. Ibara had approached him earlier, Houtarou tells himself that he should have noticed that none of his friends were satisfied with the ending. He should have known, he keeps thinking.
Satoshi smiles through the seeping doubt in Houtarou's voice, an automatic reflex. "But." Satoshi mimics.
Satoshi had said this single word while reacting the same way he had earlier after class 2-F had finished screening their mystery film; by tilting his head down ever so slightly, staring at Houtarou's chest instead of his face, like Satoshi was afraid that he would miss something spectacular – perhaps the poor boy's heart breaking into a million pieces in front on him.
Despite being a database, despite having the inability to draw up a conclusion, Satoshi knows how Houtarou will react. He knows Houtarou's face will fall and his breath will hitch and he'll be awfully crushed. But Satoshi also thinks that his lazy friend needed to be sucker punched by reality.
Because, even against all the drawbacks, Satoshi thinks – no, he knows – Houtarou deserves the truth.
"But, Houtarou, the trick wasn't what Hongou-senpai wanted. I don't know what she wanted but I know it wasn't that. I really think that the ending was great, however, I don't think Hongou-senpai is a Christie, she's only read Holmes. If that's your trick then that's fine by me. But if you say it's Hongou-senpai's trick, then you're wrong."
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A missing rope and a blind spot not even Holmes could see.
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"Not bad. I liked it. Well, good job, either way. I think everyone will enjoy the twist." Satoshi had said while Mayaka had declared the same thing, only holding back her tongue ever so slightly, "Maybe I'm wrong but either way, I really liked your idea. The last part really surprised me."
But, 'either way', like they said, it wasn't good enough. It was wrong. And they didn't like the ending written for Hongou-senpai. So when Chitanda stood at the lockers with a sullen expression on her face, Houtarou knew.
"Let me guess, you want to talk about the film too?" Houtarou asks.
And Chitanda only nods.
"You didn't like it?" Houtarou asks. Chitanda had ran away earlier. So did Satoshi and Ibara.
"That's not what I –"
"Don't worry about it." He says, cutting her off. A wounded look flashes on his face, he doesn't want to hear it. "Ibara and Satoshi had said so too. They said 'it wasn't what Hongou would want',"
Chitanda is silent until she can no longer be, "I also think it's wrong."
And that's when he starts to doubt himself, and soon, they found themselves by the river. Sitting side by side, under the vast sky with the smell of grass in the air and a crane comes into their view.
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"Oreki-san," Chitanda speaks him name clearly, saying it with a slow calmness that does the opposite effect.
It feels like a raging ocean in his head, he's drowning and he can't seem to swim from one thought to another, instead bobbing in the middle – all murky waters and waves.
"Do you know what I'm curious about in this case?" Chitanda asks.
Green eyes stare at the scene before him, it's a pleasant nice kind of scene; a quiet afternoon with a clear river and a view of a crane preening itself. But it's far from peaceful. To him, at least. Houtarou gets this strong lull in his chest – his heart – an organ people often joke about that he does not have. All because he lacks reaction and responses. He doesn't want to be here. He wants to run away. But, Ibara and Satoshi have already confronted him about his theories of class 2-F's film. So, what's one more confrontation from Chitanda, telling him he's wrong?
"Yes," Houtarou finally answers, eyes unfocused. "How the movie is supposed to end, right?"
Chitanda's lovely face scrunches up. So rarely does she allow herself to look so bothered.
"No." She shakes her head.
Her answer so simple and straightforward that it makes Houtarou wonder why he even asked. He thinks he must be stupid now. He can't –
"I'm curious about Hongou-senpai." She tells him, pulling him from his thoughts.
"Hongou?"
"Yes, and her feelings relating to the class film."
'Isn't that the same thing?' Houtarou wants to ask but refrains himself once again. There is a reason he doesn't say much, he doesn't want people to rely on him. Expectations for answers are so ...
But then again, Chitanda has turned to him many, many times. She expects a lot from him, it's almost selfish, but she never does it in a manner that tells him it's for her own personal. Never to gain or to raise herself higher with his thought and answers. She's just ... curious.
The look on Chitanda's face tells Houtarou that she reads him as easily as the textbooks she studies and pour so many hours into. She likes to understand the framework of things, how they work, does she not?
"I want to know why she did it." Chitanda says. But the way Chitanda had phrased her sentence almost seemed like she was wondering why a person was murdered – oh, wait.
"I … I don't understand." Houtarou squeezes out.
It's hard to say, like he's admitting defeat. To whom? Hmm, that's the real mystery to solve. It's not that he's emotionally detached. Well ... maybe he is. It's just – he doesn't like being so in sync with his emotions.
He thinks it leaves him more emotionally vulnerable, he's seen how people treat others just to get them riled up or to see a certain reaction. It's better to not give in. It's more satisfying knowing no one can control the way he'll feel. Better than being readable and taken advantage off ...
"If she was unable to continue writing her dying wishes, then I'm sure her regrets, her screams, are hidden in it." Chitanda says, head far away, somewhere where Jun Sekitani has crossed over.
Houtarou doesn't say anything, but as he looks over at Chitanda again, he starts doubting himself. Maybe he isn't what he says he is. Perhaps. He doesn't really know. Maybe he isn't incapable of caring or reading emotion? Because the moment all three of the Classics Club confronted him ... it felt like a snowball of growing anxiety.
It gets Houtarou thinking that maybe, just maybe, that he is incapable of feeling.
(And this gives him that same gut feeling that striked him in 5th grade, between a mechanical pencil, a bus that wasn't caught and a teacher that he trusted. Only, this time, it's three hits instead of one giant one – left, right and center – from Ibara, Satoshi and Chitanda)
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Houtarou's decision was not always right. His failure to solve the ending of Hongou's screenplay is evidence to the Classics Club members (or maybe it's just him?)
"I was thinking of Hongou-senpai's feelings," Chitanda explains.
Houtarou stares back at her. "Hongou's feelings ..."
The look on his face tells her he didn't even take that into consideration. A fatal flaw. He didn't even think that Hongou's own feelings would be buried inside the script. He didn't think of anyone's feelings.
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"This isn't what Hongou-senpai would want."
Of course, it isn't.
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ii
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Eru Chitanda first notices Houtarou Oreki's deductive skills on the April they started their first year in Kamiyama High. She remembers how she had glossed over her explanations, usually jumping through it and going straight to the point. She knows she's made that mistake many times and she's been corrected of it as equally as much. But Chitanda will never forget how Oreki connected the dots so easily after she repeated the phrase, "I'm Chitanda. Eru Chitanda from class 1-A,"
Oreki had quickly narrowed down the list of how they could have met. Throwing out the illogical and concluding that since they had an elective class together, couldn't have met in gym as boys and girls were usually tightly knitted, then they had met in music class.
Right from that moment, Chitanda realised Oreki was someone she couldn't exactly let go off.
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"I bet he's going to be special." Chitanda says, an attempted conversation that felt like it will never stick. It keeps crumbling and – oh, it's difficult to think in this heat and the large crowd in the public swimming pool and the group's hunt for a pair of white earrings.
Oreki's eyes doesn't even glaze over as he registers Chitanda's words. It just looks beyond, feeling empty and emotionless as he speaks, "Who knows? It's a simple question of whether he has the ability to or not. If he's special then he will. If he's average then he won't."
Chitanda looks at the ground for a moment, contemplating then slides her eyes back up to Oreki and his faraway gaze. "Do you want to be special, Oreki-san?"
An expression flashes across Oreki's face – finally, some life brought back, some hint of colour from a white canvas of a stare – but then it goes as quickly as it comes.
"Not really." Oreki answers then turns away, already determined to end the conversation. "Either way, I'm just a normal person."
But Chitanda doesn't let him get away. He can't just go. Not after selling himself short like that. She doesn't understand. For someone who thinks a lot, she wonders how he can also think so little regarding himself. He isn't – Oreki isn't – He isn't thinking about himself! He's not considering his feelings or how it's affecting his friends or himself! She thought, she really thought he'd start –
He's not even grey at this point, he's colourless.
"You are special, Oreki-san!" Chitanda ends up yelling, clenching her fists and giving it her everything. "At least, to me!"
Oreki stops, wordless and quiet until he isn't. "What?"
Chitanda pauses for a second, realising she had jumped ahead without explaining herself. She's always, always been the type to say things without any context (and he's always, always been the type to figure her out).
"Satoshi-san and Mayaka-san are special to me too! Everyone I meet is special to me!"
At this, Oreki's surprised expression falters at Chitanda's declaration. His shoulders drop and he tells her, "That's your personal opinion. I'm talking about a public opinion –"
"What's wrong with a personal opinion?" Chitanda cuts in, quickly catching up to him as he faces her. She closes the growing gap that Oreki's been oh-so-desperately trying to make since the screening.
Oreki tries to slide away because he's always been aware of these things; his personal space being invaded, a touch on the wrist, her face shoved near him.
"You don't have to worry about being special or normal compared to everyone else! It doesn't matter who it is! So long as they think you're special, then you're special!" Chitanda huffs and puffs. She says this with so much emotion until she forgets where she is. But when she ends her bold declaration, she realises how public it is and retreats. "I'm sorry," Chitanda quickly mutters.
"Ah, it's –"
She bows her head apologetically, revealing a pink hair tie, the only splash of colour that contrasts against her white swimwear then ducks away. She just wanted Oreki to think about feelings, it doesn't even have to be everyone's, it could just be his, but she just leaves him stunned.
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iii
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"I don't think I understand Chitanda." Houtarou remembers saying to Satoshi, a somewhat distant memory now that he's thinking about it. He doesn't know why he had said these words at the time but it felt like a requirement. Like he needed to say it because he needed answers.
While they talked, Houtarou remembers the day clearly because he had just solved the Silk Spider Society mystery for Chitanda. It was an odd request, but a request nonetheless. It was something Houtarou didn't think he'd be doing ever again – a favour. He had done a favour for someone. It felt like years since he's done so.
The two boys walk under sheltered shops, umbrellas in hand. The weather is a little breezy with rain softly falling. Houtarou's head is swirling with the thought of Chitanda – she really makes him think and question himself, like when she had introduced herself in the Geography room and Houtarou had doubted his memory for a split second before deducing that they had shared the same music class.
"It's just like you said, Houtarou." Satoshi grins, looking back in a once-over-the-shoulder way. He quotes Oreki on his own quote about inexperience first years. "It only appears strange to the inexperienced,"
Houtarou looks at Satoshi, stunned that his own words could piece things together.
"You'll understand Chitanda-san sooner or later." Satoshi says.
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"Oreki-san, why were you so insistent on knowing about Ogi-sensei and the helicopters?" Came Chitanda's question as she slowly walks beside her bicycle. She truly believes it wasn't because of the helicopters itself. It must have been something else, something she didn't quite grasp.
"Because." Oreki says, looking ahead, out at the mountains and the clouds and the wide, endless sky. "I wouldn't be caring about Ogi-sensei's feelings if I were just to say he just likes helicopters."
Looking back, Oreki can see how inconsiderate he was. If Chitanda had not approached him months prior on that Sunday at Pineapple Sand, would he ever consider Ogi-sensei's feelings now? Maybe. Maybe not. But at the time, not by the way he had asked her, 'But why me? Surely there are others you can rely on. Family? Friends? Getting a lot of people to help would be better,' in which Chitanda had said, 'Oreki-san, I can't just talk about my past to just anyone. This isn't something I can tell anyone else,' And it struck him. It really did. It struck him with the knowledge that he hadn't taken her feelings into consideration.
"O –!" Chitanda pauses, feet glued together and the tires of her bicycle coming to a stop. She looks at Oreki with a new light under the dimming purple sky. The people and beeping crossing sign suddenly fall deaf around her. It's like she suddenly has tunnel vision.
(Though she usually does have that when she has a mystery in mind. But this time – this time, there is no mystery to solve.
Or maybe there is)
"Oreki-san!" She exclaims, feelings coming to rush over her like a big wave. Chitanda has the urge to say something. Something on the tip of her tongue. Something that needs to be said or she'll forget forever and this isn't an instant where she wants to forget. No, never. Never forget like the Hyouka mystery that tied her to Jun Sekitani.
Oreki turns to face her, expression confused.
"Oreki-san, that's – " Chitanda pauses again.
Chitanda has never been able to understand herself. Like the day she got mad at Omichi-sensei, like the memory of her crying her heart out when her uncle had told her she'd be eaten alive, like the instant she had to ask Oreki how she had come to such emotions. All those instances, Chitanda could never put a finger on why she was feeling these emotions or how it had come to it or what had caused it. Usually, when faced with such mysteries, she'd ask Oreki without a hint of hesitation. But this time.
This time ...
She doesn't think she can.
She doesn't even know how to word it.
She's always been so curious yet so indecisive. Driven by emotion, strong emotions, yet she can't seem to describe herself well. Chitanda doesn't know what she means. But something about Oreki considering Ogi-sensei's feelings, something about it just reminded her of a moment. Maybe it's because she had the same feeling many months ago, with her wanting to understand Hongou-senpai and Oreki who now wants to understand Ogi-sensei's feelings.
But Chitanda doesn't … she can't explain what she wants to say.
She wants to say –
What she means –
She's always –
She –
Chitanda puts a hand on her lip as if trying to catch the fleeting words. She admits as the spark in her eyes fades, blocked by confusion, "I don't know how to say it."
Oreki looks over at her, looking somewhat disappointed. His face drops into a 'give me a break' expression while Chitanda continues touching her bottom lip with her hand, deep in thought.
Between the sinking sun and passing cars, time tells her it's getting late. Chitanda knows there's nothing to add to this conversation, they've already solved Ogi-sensei's mystery and she's run out of words to say. So Chitanda bids Oreki good-bye, hops on her bicycle and peddles away, alone with her thoughts. Hopefully – hopefully – she'll be able to find the words she can't describe.
…
Oh, she thinks to herself later, still cycling home, noticing how she's forgotten to explain herself once again. She needs to stop thinking everyone's on the same page as her. Regardless, Chitanda notes how Oreki has surprised her for the second time today.
Chitanda doesn't know what that sudden strong emotion was. She doesn't know what came over her or why she felt like she needed to say something. But something about Oreki wanting to understand someone else's feelings just pushed her to think. Maybe, just maybe, he could understand her too? Because he's always trying to solve mysteries that even she can't solve. She was the curious one but Oreki is always the person to have the answer so perhaps, theoretically speaking, he'll have the answer to why she felt this way too?
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"I may not understand how you feel, I don't feel as strongly as you do." Oreki finds himself saying, white Winter coat wrapped around himself, a hand holding Chitanda from running away. "But let me fix this."
It's Valentine's Day, she's shaking and tears are falling from her big eyes. She doesn't say anything at that moment, she can't, being too overwhelmed. But she is grateful though, she's grateful that he's considering her feelings.
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iv
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The afternoon was quiet, filled with silent book reading, sipping on warm green tea and a mention of JunSekitani's funeral, until there is an unexpected turn. It was an intense game of 'guess why student X was brought to the staff room' and by the time it ended, the sun was dipping behind mountains and Houtarou stretches his back, tired from playing.
"We've certainly come a long way from this." Chitanda says after being silent.
"I guess." Houtarou says, still eyeing the golden sky. "Well, game over."
But, it's not game over. At least, not to Chitanda as she looks up from her book filled with Oreki's handwriting. "Oreki-san?"
"Hmm? What is it?"
"Oreki-san, didn't you start this game because you wanted to prove something?"
Ah. Houtarou tilts his head ever so slightly "That's a great question." He's been so wrapped up in solving the imaginary case that he never stopped to think of his own thoughts and objective. "Now that you mention it, what was it?" He muses.
"I wonder." Chitanda mutters, thinking too.
Houtarou knows what that look means. She's trying to understand him. But, he ... comes up empty-handed. He doesn't exactly know why they started it all. What was the goal? The objective? What was there to earn? There must be something to gain, right?
"Oreki-san." She calls his name again, now covering her lower face with a pink book, only letting him peer into her eyes. Maybe, even her soul. "How about we try to deduce what that was too?"
For a brief moment, Houtarou freezes, letting the light pour into the Geography room and letting Chitanda eye him for yet another answer. But then Houtarou relaxes, shoulder muscles unknotting. He lets himself smile, just a little. Ah, he realises she's trying to understand him and how he works, pick his brain. Well, he's more complex than he seems, as cliché as that sounds.
"Give me a break." He says, there is no irritation in his voice, not like usual. But despite saying this, he thinks he's been on holiday for a long time. Maybe too long, even.
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"I want to be special too. I want to help people and I think, I can be special by helping people."
Even if it's small. Even if it's joining a dying Classics Club that nobody considered for three years straight or helping Chitanda with mundane mysteries or understanding the ending of a class made film or taking a job as a lifeguard in the short Summer holiday.
Why? Because it's something he has to do.
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end
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Notes 4:
I never knew how important the Ogi-sensei episode was until I wrote about it.
I don't think I'll ever get to I now know why caged birds sing. Everything I write for it reads like trash. The same goes for colour me curious. Plus, I had gotten unflattering reviews the other day. Really demotivated me. A follow up back to back, both signed by guests that correspond to each other but I have guest reviews moderated. Meaning, no one can see the guest reviews until I approve it. So, there was no way it wasn't the same person, think before you write! (why are you in the Hyouka fandom if you can't think?)