Title: Betrayal, Forgiveness, Love and Redemption.

Pairing: House/Chase

Rating: R

Summary: Set around the time of "Finding Judas", it starts when House hits Chase because he suspects Chase of betraying him. In this chapter House is left with questions about Chase's real feelings towards him and his own in return.

Disclaimer: I own nothing House related.

The moment that my fist hit Chase's jaw I felt regret. I knew it was a mistake, but unfortunately real life doesn't rewind and there was no way I could take it back.

He staggered and wiped his lip.

I winced when I saw it had split and was bleeding.

"You think I was the one who betrayed you," he said softly. "Well you know what? Fuck you, House. I guess the part where you said you understood what I did before and forgave me was just another example of your famous expression 'everybody lies.' "

And without another word or glance he walked away.

All day long I kept expecting Cuddy to come in and tell me off, or yell at me for getting yet another lawsuit added to the list the hospital was currently battling.

But she never did.

At the end of the day I saw Chase at his desk, and I took a deep breath and prepared to apologize.

The words stuck in my throat as I saw he was clearing off his desk.

"Going somewhere?" I asked. Damn, no matter how hard I try (although to be truthful I usually don't try very hard) I can't stop myself from being sarcastic when I get flustered. My tongue gets sharper and sharper the less I feel in control of a situation. When you add guilt to that (which I very rarely admit to but nonetheless feel) I am a bigger bastard then I usually am.

Which is saying something.

Chase didn't even bother to look up and said nothing.

"Aren't you going to say something? Ream me out, tell me off? After all, you're obviously leaving. What do you have to lose?"

Silence.

"What's the matter with you? Don't you have any balls? I hit you and you didn't hit me back. Now you're leaving and you won't even yell at me? "

See? I can't stop myself. I was really panicking and I didn't even know why.

"What kind of man are you that you won't stand up to me? What did you do-go crying to Cuddy and get yourself transferred? Couldn't even face me and tell me that you were leaving! And what about your patients? Don't you think you owe it to them to give them some closure?"

He laughed at me.

"Since when do you give a shit about giving the patients closure? You don't even like to see them!"

Chase can be sarcastic when he wants to be. He also knows how to go for the jugular, though he doesn't like to.

I usually get a perverse sort of pleasure from getting him close to that, but right now all I felt was some kind of weird tightness in my chest.

"For your information I talked to the patients -both of them, and told them I was transferring. I'll still be around the hospital if they need to see me." He sighed and said pointedly. "I just won't be here anymore. Thank God."

"What did you tell Cuddy? That I brutalized you, that you couldn't take working for big bad. abusive House and you wanted out?"

He made a sound that was a combination sneer and snort.

"I didn't tell Cuddy. She heard about it and came to me. She asked what I wanted to do and I told her. I've had it with you. I used to think I could take your shit because you were such a great doctor and I wanted to learn and be the best I could be. But now I'm pretty fucking good already, y'know. So that need to learn from you is outweighed by the dread I feel every morning when I come to work and have to deal with you. I used to think under all that crap and nastiness there was some part of you that actually liked me, that actually gave a shit about me. But you proved me wrong. You really don't. But I want to thank you for letting me see it before I wasted too much more of my time."

And there it was.

A direct hit.

Right to the center of my chest.

I think I might have stepped back from the force of it, staggering like Chase did earlier.

Only not from a physical blow but from an emotional one.

"I ---never knew you felt that way," I said softly.

"Really? Well I'm not surprised. You pride yourself on knowing people, on being able to intuitively know what people are thinking and feeling, but the truth is –" he paused and then gave me another direct hit:

"You haven't got a fuckin' clue."

He packed the remains of his desk into his backpack and reached for his coat and hat.

"I'm going to be working with someone I not only admire but like. Someone who will treat me with the respect you're supposed to give, oh I don't know-another HUMAN being."

As he brushed past me he whispered "I don't know what Cameron ever saw in you."

Then he was gone.

I was on my fourth Scotch and replaying the day over and over in my mind.

I was furious with Chase when I heard that someone had sold me out to that asshole Tritter. I know he talked to the staff, trying to find out if I got Vicodin illegally. Trying to prove I should be in prison, have my license taken away, whatever the fuck that sadistic asshole thought should be punishment for me not kissing his ass when he was in here.

I steadfastly refused to take the blame for that pompous son of a bitch's actions. Ok, I shouldn't have pissed off an "officer of the law".

Probably.

But Jesus, I didn't expect it to become a vendetta.

He apparently had other ideas.

Couching it in his supposed fear for my patients and the hospital, he was trying to bury me.

Chase HAD betrayed me before-is it such a stretch for me to think he'd do it again?

The truth was Chase was right.

I SHOULD have believed him, because we had talked about it and I said I understood. Which I did. And enough time had gone by and there'd been enough reasons for him to betray me again if he'd really wanted to.

But he never did.

I guess a part of me never did forgive him.

I lied when I said I had. But it wasn't a conscious lie.

At least I didn't think it was.

Fuck, this was too much for me! If he wanted to leave, let him leave-why the fuck should I give a shit?

What was it Chase had said? He finally realized he was wrong because he "actually thought you gave a shit"-damn, here I was saying I really didn't.

But again, that was a lie. I did.

What else had Chase said? "I thought you liked me"-and "I want to thank you for proving me wrong and not letting me waste anymore of my time."

What the fuck had that meant?

Why was he wasting his time?

"You really don't have a fucking clue"- I heard his words echo in my head and realized I really didn't have a fucking clue what he was talking about.

I thought about Chase- who tried to hide his need for connection and approval behind a smooth and cool façade. Chase, who had an annoying need to be right and was stubborn in his beliefs and opinions.

Chase-who could be cutting and cruel but was also extremely warm, and…kind.

I'd seen him be incredibly caring when he thought no one was watching. With the same patient he'd been making snide remarks about ten minutes before.

I thought about the way he could make everybody laugh with his very dry sense of humor that even I had to admit was funny. Well, I sometimes would admit it. Not always.

I found myself thinking of ridiculous things. The way his smile lit up the whole fucking room. I teased him about it, but I always looked for that smile.

I frowned when I realized it had been awhile since I saw that smile directed at me.

It used to be there a lot the time, even when I was teasing or ridiculing him.

I guess that's when he still thought I –liked him?

What the fuck did that mean?

I thought of my stupid comments about his hair (it was so fucking pretty) and his eyelashes (long and fluttery) and his lips (he had the prettiest mouth, pouty lips, that's why he should go to the prison and talk to the inmates and not Foreman).

I teased him about his eyes-(big, blue and sexy:"Do you give Cameron those same soulful stares, or do you just save those for me?" Fuck-I'd actually said that to him! )

Did he think I was coming on to him when I said those things?

I knew Chase was into BDSM at one time, maybe he still was. Of course, that didn't make him bisexual, but who knows what kinds of things went on at those places?

Not me, unfortunately.

"You haven't got a fuckin' clue"…

"Goddamn it!" I threw my glass against the wall and called Wilson.

He came in and wearily sat down.

"House, could you please tell me what the hell is going on? I could hardly understand you on the phone! Why are you drunk? What happened with Chase?"

I sat down and eased my leg over the arm of the couch. It throbbed and I popped a couple more pills into my mouth.

I told Wilson the story without taking practically any breaths and when I was done he let out a big sigh.

"Wow," he said.

"Wow? That's all you have to say? Wow? What the fuck kind of help is that?"

Wilson sighed and put his head in his hands. He's always so dramatic.

"I never thought it was possible, but it sounds like you might be right. I think Chase has a –thing-for you. Or had, anyway."

"How could I not have noticed that? And what am I going to do about it?"

Wilson looked surprised. "What do you mean, what are you going to do about it? Nothing! There's nothing you CAN do about it, and he's no longer gonna be around. So you won't have the awkwardness of dealing with his feelings. Not that I expect you would care all that much about his feelings. You probably would have teased him about them!" Wilson laughed at his own joke.

He thinks he is so amusing sometimes.

"I wouldn't have teased him about it! Would I? No-I wouldn't. I wouldn't have wanted to deal with it."

"So then why worry? You don't have to deal with it now. Poor Chase. Poor misguided Chase."

He shook his head at the folly of Chase's feelings for me.

"What are you talking about?"

"Him, liking you."

He laughed.

"Why is that so funny? Forget it, don't answer that."

He stopped laughing abruptly and looked at me.

"House, do you actually feel something for him? Is that what this is all about? You like him?"

I snarled at him but couldn't say no.

"You do! You feel something for Chase! I should have known when you were so rude to him. You only really do that when you want to keep someone at arm's length. Because you don't want to keep them at arm's length!"

"Shut up, Wilson."

"I'm right, though aren't I? All that teasing about him-you really feel that way, don't you? He's so pretty, he's so sexy, he's so-"

"Shut the fuck up? Jeez, whose stupid idea was it to call you, anyway?"

"You can deny it, but I know you too well. And if I'm not mistaken that was the real reason behind that punch today. You thought he'd betrayed you and it killed you because you do care."

He smiled at me and said "It's been a long time since you felt this way about a man. In fact, I'd wager that your feelings for him are stronger than they ever were for Cameron or Cuddy for that matter."

"Why would you say that?!!" I demanded, knowing how shrill my voice sounded.

"Because look at you-you're a mess! I haven't seen you this way since Stacey! And you're even more defensive than you were with either Cuddy or Cameron."

I sighed because I couldn't really think of a comeback to that.

I hated to admit it, but he was right.

It had been a long time since I had any feelings other than friendship or annoyance for any man. In college I did what kids today refer to as experimenting. I had a few relationships if you could call them that-with other men. I'd enjoyed them, but ultimately saw myself as primarily heterosexual.

Until now.

I felt like screaming.

Not only had I sent Chase running in the opposite direction from me just as I realized I actually cared about him.

I had hurt him.

I knew what I had to do next.

I had to talk to him.

If he'd let me.