Warning: mentions slash! Nothing is on-screen though, so it's safe to read. Also, contains mild swearing. This is a parody (sort of) that has been written in a day.

The List

Harry Potter was an unusual boy in many ways. First of all, he – like his parents before him – happened to be a wizard. Oh yes, a wizard – with a wand, a broomstick, cauldrons and everything! Since the age of eleven he had been going to Hogwarts – the British school of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and by far the best school of magic in the world. There he made friends (and enemies), learnt a lot of useful spells, and even became the youngest Quidditch player of the century.

Secondly, he wasn't just an ordinary teenage wizard, but The Boy Who Lived – the only known survivor of a Killing Curse. When he was one year old, his parents were murdered by Voldemort – an insane maniac possessed by the idea of blood purity (even though Voldemort himself was a half-blood). Voldemort tried to kill him too, but his curse backfired, and he fled. Harry was put under care of his aunt and uncle, and ever since then his life had been a complete misery.

Hogwarts didn't change things much. True, now Harry had friends ("Yet they haven't told me a damn thing in four weeks" – thought he), and money to spend; but somehow in the end of nearly every year he found himself in grave danger. In his first year, he met Voldemort for the second time – in the form of a noseless face on the back of his teacher's head. His second year? Flew a car, had an encounter with the Whomping Willow and giant spiders, nearly got his memory wiped by a narcissistic teacher (God bless Ron's broken wand), fought a basilisk and destroyed Voldemort's evil diary. His third year had been rather quiet, but his favorite Defense teacher turned out to be a werewolf, an insane murderer on the loose – Harry's godfather, Ron's pet rat – a traitorous Animagus, and Hermione – a time traveler. Also, he met creatures that can suck your soul out of your mouth. No big deal.

But his previous year was the worst by far. Harry found himself an unwilling – and under-age – participant in Triwizard Tournament: he had to fight dragons, for crying out loud! He had been injured, bullied, boycotted for something he hadn't done; his best friend refused to speak to him for weeks; and in the end, when Harry thought it couldn't turn any worse, it did exactly that. Voldemort returned from beyond the grave. Harry's friend and fellow participant Cedric Diggory had been killed by Ron's former pet. Harry himself had been tortured – and managed to escape only by miracle. It probably didn't mean much – with Voldemort back and all the Death Eaters on his side Harry would need to be very lucky to live to his sixteenth birthday. And right now he didn't feel lucky at all.

Right now Harry Potter was lying on the bed in the smallest, dimly lit room of the Number 4th Privet Drive, staring at the dark ceiling. He was thinking about Cedric's face the moment he died – all the shock, and surprise, and grief. He was thinking about Voldemort's new body: his face – a noseless, red-eyed mask; his cruel, high-pitched laughter – just like the night his parents died. Dumbledore told him once, that his mother's love gave him the strongest protection possible – but it was all useless now, Voldemort could touch him, could torture him… Voldemort couldn't love – but he, Harry, could, he loved a lot of people… He needed to find a way of destroying Voldemort for all these people's sake… He was just afraid that he might be too late – he might die before he found anything…

An idea struck him so suddenly that he jumped from the bed. Of course! That's it! He couldn't understand how he hadn't thought about something similar before. It was so simple, and yet it could be effective… Voldemort wouldn't stand a chance. Harry walked to his trunk and pulled a quill and a piece of parchment out of it. After a moment of hesitation, he wrote:

"A LIST OF PEOPLE I'D LIKE TO SHAG BEFORE I DIE".

Despite his open mind, he wasn't ready to snog a Dementor yet…

"I am a Metamorphmagus," said Tonks. "It means I can change my appearance at will."

"How interesting," murmured Harry, mentally adding one more name on his list. It now consisted of about two dozen names, and Harry was fairly sure that, once he is in Hogwarts, he would think of some more.

Ron wasn't sure what to make of Harry Potter's behavior. Ever since their heated argument on the day of his arrival to Order's headquarters, Harry had been acting weirdly and closed off. He hardly said more than ten words a day to anybody (Ron could bet that Sirius was really hurt by this), refused to take part in any activities (except for cleaning – wasn't a person to take "No" for answer), and spent all time in the room he shared with Ron. From time to time Ron caught him staring absent-mindedly at one or the other Order member. They blamed his apathy on the coming hearing, but even after the hearing was successfully behind, he didn't seem any different. Hermione was rightfully worried, and even the twins were rather concerned. So Ron, fulfilling his duty as Harry's best friend, went to find out what the hell was wrong.

Harry was sitting at the table in their room, his back turned to the door, and he didn't even seem to notice that Ron entered the room. He was writing something on a piece of parchment. Again. Ron sighed. Harry never went anywhere without a piece of parchment nowadays. When they asked him about it, he told them some cock-and-bull story about doing his homework. Like they would believe it. Who does his homework when there is still plenty of time left?

"Sickle for your thoughts?"

Harry winced and turned, staring at Ron. His black messy hair was even messier than usual, and boy, he did look skinny.

"Not that I have a Sickle, mind you," Ron continued, "But I would give one to know what you are thinking about…"

"Oh, it's you, Ron," said Harry. He looked all closed off again. "What do you want?"

Ron breathed in deep.

"Are you still pissed, mate? Because we never told you anything? 'Cause if you are, we are sorry, we really are, but we couldn't tell you – Dumbledore's orders…"

"No," Harry answered. He turned away and started putting things to rights. "Nothing to do with you, in fact. So will you please…"

"So what is your bloody problem?!" Ron shouted. That was unexpected. He didn't mean to shout at all, and he felt like it was the wrong thing to do – Hermione would surely bite his head off if she knew – but Harry looked at him again, and this time he was smiling.

"I was just thinking whether I should put Malfoy on the list too."

Ron had no idea of what he was on about.

"On what list? The list of evil bastards? Or of twitchy little ferrets? 'Cause if you mean that sort of lists, I don't know why you even bother to ask."

"No. The list of people I'd like to shag before I die."

There was a very awkward silence, when it was Ron's turn to stare.

"You're kidding, right?"

"Nope," Harry sounded annoyed. "Look, Ron, Voldemort is out there, and I am his target number one, and I am not going to run and hide, but I see things as they are! My previous escape was pure luck, it won't happen again! Chances are I won't live to see the end of exams, but before that I am going to live life to the fullest! Carpe diem, Ron!"

"Okay…" said Ron. "Still, Malfoy? Are you gay?"

"Bisexual." Harry sounded more like Harry then he had in weeks. "Got a problem with that?"

"Not really," said Ron. "Here, in magic society it's pretty common." He sat on the edge of Harry's bed. "So, who else is on the list?"

"Umm, there are plenty. From school, mostly. Some students. Our Quidditch team. Some of the teachers…"

"Wait, teachers? Trelawney?"

"Maybe."

"Professor Lupin?"

"Technically speaking, he is not a teacher anymore, but yeah."

"McGonagall?"

"Yep."

"Dumbledore?"

"No, he doesn't even talk to me."

"Don't say you've got Snape there too."

Harry sighed.

"I've considered him the other day, but no. I prefer someone who washes his head more often than once every ten years. And he would probably poison me if I suggest something like that. Besides, I think he'd noticed something. Last time he left rather abruptly."

Ron remembered that last time Snape was indeed in a hurry. His sallow skin turned into an unhealthy shade of pink, and he was swearing under his breath. Ron didn't catch everything, but what he'd understood was enough to turn his ears red.

"So…" he asked, eager to change the subject. "Am I on the list?"

"Your whole family is. Except for Percy. After all he said to your dad, I don't think I'll meet him any time soon."

"Listen, Harry," Hermione whispered angrily, "I don't think that when Dumbledore talked about power of love he meant fucking Voldemort to death!"

"Don't listen to her, Harry – "

"Yeah, don't. This idea is marvelous – "

"– extraordinary, – "

"– bloody awesome! So, if you ever – "

"– ever need a pair of helping hands, – "

"– even two pairs – "

"– count us in!"

The twins bowed. Harry beamed.

As Molly Weasley finished with the dishes, she sighed. Spending months cleaning a haunted house wasn't her idea of a good summer. Still, in a couple of days children will be gone to school, and Arthur and herself will be free to go back to the Burrow. The only person left in this gloomy old place would be Sirius Black.

Molly shook her head. Much as she disliked the man, she couldn't help but feel sorry for him. To be stuck here, all alone, with nothing to do but wait… for a man of action it must feel like a light version of Azkaban. Good thing he had made up with Harry. They both were a complete misery all the time they hadn't been talking to each other.

Come to think of it, Harry had been acting strange ever since he came from these awful Muggles. He didn't eat much, didn't talk much and spent way too much time alone. Neither Ron, nor Hermione had any idea what had gotten into him. So when Harry finally started acting normal again, Molly was so glad that she gave all children a cleaning-free week.

Funny thing, but they all – Harry, Ron, the twins, Hermione and even Ginny – had been spending their free time in one room, sneaking sandwiches and butterbeer whenever they felt hungry. The door was locked, and a Silencing Charm had been cast at it; Molly suspected that either they were discussing matters that were none of their concern, or Fred and George showed them one or another of their silly pranks. Still, as long as they didn't somehow manage to eavesdrop on Order's meetings, no harm could be done.

Despite what everyone thought, on their private meetings Harry and Luna Lovegood merely discussed Nargles.

Hogwarts' staff room had never been a place for as many wild conclusions as the day smiling, dreamy Professor Umbridge called Potter "this wonderful boy" and awarded fifty points to Griffindor. Severus Snape had some theories of his own, but he kept them to himself.

Things didn't go as smooth with Remus Lupin.

On the first day of Christmas Holidays Sirius Black was walking down the hall, whistling. Though he felt sorry for the Weasleys, he was extremely happy to finally have some company. He'd been alone for over a month. With his previous visitor, shaking and upset Remus Lupin, he shared two bottles of firewhiskey in the end of November. Funny though… he couldn't remember the reason for Remus to look so unnerved. Something about Harry… but Harry was alright… This second bottle must have been too much. He shrugged…

"Hey, Sirius," his godson was standing in the doorframe of Sirius' room, grinning. "Have you been feeling lonely lately?"

If Sirius knew what was coming, he would have turned away and ran. Unfortunately, he didn't.

"Look, Professor, I offer you justice! My father had seen your underwear, and now you can see mine!"

The moment Sirius stepped into Afterlife, he was nearly killed the second time by angry Lily Potter, who was shouting something along the lines: "You bastard! Who gave you the right to do such things with my boy, you dirty old git! Tell him, James!"

James Potter was indeed upset.

"I can't believe it, Padfoot… He's only fifteen, and he's already beaten my record. Life is so unfair!"

"Hey, Prongs, wait till you see what he'd done to poor Moony. I think Remus is now traumatized for life. Last time I saw him, he tried to hide every time your kid was nearby."

Harry James Potter added three new names to his list and sighed. His attempt to ask Voldemort on a date had failed yet again. All was well.