Dirge Without Music

I've been inspired by two things – Firstly the poem Dirge Without Music by Edna St Vincent Millay, I read it and it just screamed Grissom at me. Secondly, this quote from Too Tough To Die, "I wish I was like you, Grissom. I wish I didn't feel anything".

Summary: "I wish I was like you, Grissom. I wish I didn't feel anything". Grissom opens up to Sara. GSR.

Sara stood alone in the break room, before her on the table rested the photograph of her latest Jane Doe. Only she wasn't a Jane Doe anymore, Sara had found her identity and discovered the horrors that wrecked this woman's life. She knew that she had become personally attached to the case, and she knew Grissom was going to reprimand her for it sooner or later. So when she saw him standing in the doorway frowning at her she let out a heated sigh. Sara arched an eyebrow at him, the aggression of the gesture burning in her eyes as she rose to meet him.

Grissom shut the door behind him and watched Sara stand, the way her arms were crossed against her chest made her appear more defensive that she already seemed.

"Sara…" Grissom began slowly as he tried to pick out his words carefully.

"Go on. Say it" she prompted him angrily, he didn't reply, instead he raised one eyebrow at her in silent question.

"I know what you're going to say" she began, her tone edgy as she began to pace the floor, "But I don't care what you think. If the victims…if people like Kelly don't become special to us then…" she paused, stumbling on her words in her swiftness to explain her anger to him.

"They can't become special to us Sara. You have to remain objective, to focus on the crime, not to make it personal-" he began before she cut him off

"If we don't make it personal then they just become bodies. If we stop caring about them and they just become corpses…if we stop feeling the pain we do every time we see a body of another innocent person then we don't stay human anymore". Grissom watched her seeing the angry accusations that stemmed from her eyes.

Sara turned away from him and felt bitter tears sting in her eyes, she was tired of caring about him, she was tired of loving him, and she was tired of being rejected by him. She turned around quickly to stare him down

"If we stop caring then we'll become you".

Her words hang heavily on the air, Grissom flinched as though he had been hit, his face setting into a deep frown as he began to process her words. Sara gave a laughless smile and she watched him analyse her words as they were a piece of matter also. Letting out a sigh she turned away from him and began to walk towards the door, she felt her heart break a little more as she didn't know why she bothered with him. Just as she was about to walk past him she heard him begin to speak.

"I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground. So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind: into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely. Crowned with lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned".

Sara stopped in her tracks and turned around to look at him, he was looking past her, his eyes fixed on some point past her head. She sidestepped so she could look at his face, his eyes were no longer shuttered, they weren't guarded as they normally were. She could finally see emotions in his eyes – the pain he was feeling and the guilt that suffered him. Sara didn't know what to do, she didn't want to break the spell that had come over the room, she stood silently and watched him as his lips moved, spilling someone else's words.

"Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you. Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust. A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew, a formula, a phrase remains, - but the best is lost".

Grissom broke his gaze from the wall and looked down directly into Sara's eyes, she was transfixed by the pure intensity of his blue eyes – it was as though she was directly looking into his soul. His voice continued, the soft syllables hanging in the air with each word he spoke feeling as though it came from his heart.

"The answers quick and keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love, - they are gone. They are gone to feed the roses. Elegant and curled is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know. But I do not approve. More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world"

As he spoke Sara saw fear in his eyes, she slowly raised her hand and placed it gently on top of his where it rested on the table beside them. He did not react as she touched him, his skin felt cold beneath hers, as though it hadn't been held in an eternity. His eyes were still locked onto hers as he spoke his final part,

"Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave. Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind; quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave. I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned."

As he finished silence hung heavily over the room, Sara was afraid to move in fear of breaking the spell that had come over them. Grissom raised his free hand and gently placed it upon her cheek

"I care Sara. More than you could ever know".

And within that instant the spell was broken; the shutters were back over his eyes, his guard returned as he stepped away from her. He pulled his hand from her soft skin, his two fingers gently tracing the line of her smile as he pulled away. He turned from her and left silently as burning tears now replaced where his hand had gently rested moments ago.

Sara watched him walk away, her heart aching as he opened up to her and rejected her simultaneously. As she watched his hunched figure returning to the darkness of his office she knew that she could never give up on him, not after she had seen the pain that burned in his soul. Silently she promised herself that she would never give up on him, no matter how many times he hurt her and deserted her – everybody deserved to be loved. Especially Grissom. Her Grissom.