A/N: This is based on spoilers from the season 13 premiere and 13.02 – Graduation Day. So it contains MAJOR spoilers. If you don't want to know, then I strongly advise you to hit the back button. If you're cool with being spoiled, then go ahead. Enjoy.
My little angel
May 23rd, 2006
I wake up and the first thing I see is the hospital ceiling. I have been waking up to this view for almost a week now and every single day the same thought goes through my mind. It wasn't supposed to be like this. The baby wasn't supposed to be here for another six weeks. And now my baby boy is in the NICU all hooked up to these tubes, breathing through a machine. It wasn't supposed to be like this, damn it. It's just not fair.
Everything was going great in my life. Everything. It's amazing how your life can change in a split second. I just want him to be ok. That's all I need. I just want my son to be healthy.
I look over to the door when I hear it open. Luka comes in. He looks so tired. He hasn't slept more than two hours a night since the baby came. He walks over to me and kisses me.
"Hi." I say with a small smile. He sits on the chair next to my bed and takes my hand in his.
"Hey." He says kissing my hand and then rests his head on the bed. I run my fingers through his hair to comfort him a bit.
"How is he?" I ask, apprehensive. He looks up at me.
"He's out of surgery. The pediatric surgeon said she thinks he's going to be ok." I let out a breath as I feel the tears gathering in my eyes.
"Thank God." I say brushing the tears away. "Is he back in the NICU?" He nods. "Let's go see him. Please, I need to see him, Luka." I say. He helps me getting out of bed and supports me with a hand on the small of my back on the way there.
"We have to choose a name for him, you know." He says.
"Yeah, I know. I just can't think of a name that suits him." I say as we enter the NICU. "Do you have any names in mind? None that belongs to your CD collection preferably." I say lightly and he chuckles.
"I do, actually." He says and I look up at him. "My grandfather's name was Josef. I thought maybe we could name the baby after him." He suggests. I look down at my baby in the incubator. He looks so fragile in there.
"Josef?" I say trying the name. "Joe." I say touching his tiny hand. To my surprise, his hand closes around my finger for the first time. "Luka, look at that!" I say in an excited whisper. "He grabbed my finger." I say as a tear rolls down my cheek. I look at Luka and he's smiling with tears in his eyes. "I guess he liked the name."
"I guess he did." Luka says, pulling a chair for me to sit. "Did you like that, baby?" He asks him and turns to me. "What do you think?" I smile at him.
"Josef Kovac. I like it. It has a nice ring to it." I say and Luka kisses my head. Joe is still holding my finger so I lightly caress his legs and feet with my other hand. "Do you like your name, Joe?" I say in almost a whisper. "It was your great grandpa's name." I say and he moves his legs a little. "You're going to be ok, Joe. Daddy and I can't wait to take you home."
"That's right, Joe. You're gonna get better in no time, I'm sure. And we love you so much, little guy." I look up at him again and see the tears rolling down his cheeks. I take his hand in mine and kiss it.
"Look at that, Joe; you're making your daddy cry." I say resting my cheek on his hand. "We don't want that, do we?"
"I'm just happy." He says with a shrug. "Look at the little miracle we made, Abby."
"I know. You're just perfect, baby." I say and Joe's hand opens and then closes around my finger again. "You're already getting stronger aren't you?"
"Your mom's outside." Luka says. "I'll go get something to eat so she can stay here a bit with you." I nod. "Do you want anything?" I shake my head. "Ok, then. Daddy will be back later, Joe. I love you, baby." He says and leans down to kiss me. "I love you." He says again, but this time to me. I freeze for a moment. He kisses me again and starts to walk away. Oh, my God. He loves me. I mean, I obviously hoped he did but hearing him say it is a whole lot different. He loves me. He loves me. Oh, God. I snap out of it after a minute.
"Hey, Luka?" I say. He stops and turns around. "I love you too." I say and I can feel the smile forming on my lips. Luka smiles widely, winks at me and turns to leave again. "Did you hear that, Joe?" I ask my baby. "He loves us. Daddy loves us." I whisper happily.
May 25th, 2006
Joe is one week old today. They discharged me a couple of days ago but it didn't really make that much of a difference as I've been practically living at the hospital for the past week. I only go homes for a few hours because Luka makes me. But even when I go home, I don't leave Joe all alone. Either Luka or my mom are here when I'm not.
I park Luka's car in front of the hospital and make my way to the entrance. I go over to the admit desk where Neela and Luka are chatting. I make my way around it and stand on my tip toe to kiss him. He kisses me back and hugs me.
"Morning." He says. I smile up at him.
"Morning. Hey, Neela." I say and she smiles.
"Hi. Dr Kovac was just telling me about Joe." She says. "I hear he's doing better."
"Yeah, he is, thank God. We're taking the tube out today, hopefully." I say with a smile.
"That's great, Ab. He's a fighter, you know." She says and Sam calls out to her saying there's an MVA coming in. "I gotta go. Let me know how it goes, alright?" she asks and gives me a hug. "Tell him everyone down here can't wait to see him."
"I will." I say and she runs to the ambulance bay. I turn to Luka. "Have you been up to see him yet?" I ask as he takes my hand and leads me to the elevators.
"Yeah, about an hour ago. They're just waiting on you to extubate him." He says and we enter the elevator.
"Is my mom still here?"
"Yeah, I told her to go home and get some rest but she won't list to me. She said she wants to see him without the tube first."
"Ok. God, I can't believe he's finally gonna breathe on his own." I say with a sigh. "I can't wait to take him home so he can sleep in his own crib." I lean on him and puts his arm around my waist.
"Can you believe we have a baby?" He asks after a moment of silence. I laugh as we leave the elevator.
"I know. It's so crazy." I say as he takes my hand in his again. "But a good kind of crazy, you know." He chuckles and nods.
We enter the NICU and go over to my mom, who is sitting next to Joe's incubator, knitting yet another blanket. She's knitted a good part of his baby things. It's been a distraction to her since she came to Chicago after Joe was born. She looks up at us and puts the nearly finished blanket away.
"Hi, honey." She says and hugs me. She's been great these past few days. "Did you get some sleep?"
"A little, yeah. How about you?" I ask sitting next to her while Luka checks Joe's chart.
"Just a bit. I'll get some rest later when I come back to your place. Hey, Luka."
"Hi, Maggie. Any change?" Luka asks.
"No, not really. They were just waiting for Abby to get here to take the tube out, though." She says and gets up. "I'll go tell them you're both here."
"Ok, thanks, mom." I say and she walks away. I lean on Luka again, resting my head on his shoulder as I trace Joe's little hand with my finger. I watch with a smile as his tiny fingers close around my finger. "Hi, Joe." I say caressing his fingers. "Mommy's back. We're gonna take this tube out real soon, ok, baby?" I say and Luka kisses my head.
"Good morning, Abby."
"Hey, Dr Raab." I say. I never thought that my old supervisor would be taking care of my child today.
"Are we ready to take the tube out, mom and dad?" She asks me and Luka with a smile.
"Definetely." Luka says.
She nods and positions herself next to Joe. he takes off the tape carefully and then takes off the tube gently.
"Suction." She asks and a nurse gives it to her. I hold my breath as she examines him, listening to his heart and lungs. "Bag him a few times." She says.
"Come on, Joe, breathe." Luka says. Oh, my God. This has got to be the longest minutes of my life.
"Come on, baby." I say, almost begging. "Please, Joe." We hear him taking a breath and then he lets out a strong cry. I let out the breath I was holding, relieved. The tears gather in my eyes and I just can't fight them when they start rolling down my cheeks. I look at Luka and he's crying too. He puts his arm around my shoulder and pulls me close as Joe cries harder.
"Good breath sounds." Dr Raab says. "That's what we wanted to hear, little guy."
"The best sound in the world." I say through my tears. She smiles at us.
"Is he really ok?" Luka asks holding Joe's hand.
"So far he is. He's still going to have to stay here a few more days to be sure though. We're gonna run a blood test to make sure he's fine." She says and I nod. "Do you want to hold him, Abby?" She asks. Oh, God, finally. That's the only thought on my mind.
"Please." I say and she tells me to sit on the chair and then carefully takes him out of the incubator and hands him to me. I take him in my arms and he calms down almost immediately, his cry quieting down to little whimpers. I almost can't stand the storm of emotions that I'm feeling right now.
Finally. I can finally hold my son. My baby boy. He's so beautiful. I kiss his little head and just allow myself to cry.
It's hours later that I'm finally going to try breastfeeding. I sit on the rocking chair and the nurse gives him to me. Luka is sitting in front of me with a smile, encouraging me. I unbutton my shirt and offer my breast to my baby. Joe starts sucking almost immediately.
"Hey, you're hungry, aren't you, baby?" I ask. Luka smiles at me.
"How does it feel?" he asks looking at Joe who's sucking away.
"Amazing." I say smiling. I look down at Joe and he opens his eyes. "Hey , Luka, look at that. He has your eyes." He does indeed. Green, just like his daddy's. "You're gonna be handsome just like your dad, huh?" I say as Joe's hand rests on my chest. Luka comes up behind us and looks at Joe, then at me.
"I love you." He says kissing my cheek. "Thank you for making me a father again." I smile and kiss his lips.
"I love you too." I say and look at Joe. "I love you both so much." Luka kisses my head. "Thank you for giving me him. He's the best present I've ever gotten."
"Well, I had some help with that, you know." He winks at me and I laugh.
Look at that. I have a family now. It's real. And incredible man who really loves me. And he gave me my child. Our child. My little angel. And I can never thank him enough for that.
A/N: Love it? Hate it? Tell me all about it when you review.