The Gentle Sway of Fire . . .
by Rae
With special thanks to Shar who contributed at the beginning of this fic, before I took off with it and flew solo. So it's all my fault, blame me. She wrote the good bits .. I take credit for the crap bits.
Disclaimer: BHHQ snaky bastards. - theirs not mine. Don't sue me. I only did it for research.
(NOTE FROM AUTHOR - This fic was written back in 2003, during the Tess/Jonesy/Jeevil time of Heelers, it was a crazy time and the memories will live on, thanks to all those from the groups at the time for making the sanity posible, whereever you all are. I had to post this and share once again the angst that was Tess and Jonesy. Enjoy!)
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I lay alone in my room.
From the corner of my eye I could see the sway of the curtains in the summer breeze. A soft movement that kept time with the slow beat of my heart.
I breathed, a deep mournful sigh escaped me.
A small smile to myself, just the tiny flicker, no crinkle at the eye, not yet.
Do I allow myself to think of you? I have hurt you. I know that.
I am confident that you will survive the hurt. I am not as confident that I will.
I turn slowly, movement of the curtain in my full view now. I like the movement. It soothes me. I blink. Can I hold back the tears that threaten to spill?
I am stronger than that.
The sound of the door opening pulls me from thoughts of you.
"Tess? Are you here?" Josh fills the space I know you should be.
Silently I sit in the dark, hoping that Josh won't hear the thudding of my heart. Once again, I hear the soft tread of his Italian leather soles on the tiles. A gentle swoosh as the door closes and I know that once again I'm left alone with my thoughts of you.
Why did I do it?
Although many weeks had passed, it seemed like only yesterday I'd been in your arms, a place I'd yearned to be for so long. The passion overwhelmed me and in my blind panic I made a rash decision, for safety's sake.
The pain in your eyes when I told you. I'll never forgive myself for the anguish I saw there. And yet I can't tell you the truth, can't tell you that I love you.
Damn PJ and his advice, so maybe he was right and fire would drive me crazy, but right now it's that same fire that's still driving me crazy. That now unattainable, yet oh so close fire.
Almost violently I wipe the threatening tears from my eyes.
I won't allow myself to dwell any longer.
I am determined to live with the choices I made.
The mere thought of you leaves my heart in pain. But it is a pain I will wear. For though my heart has endured this pain before, it has never ached with such a ferocity as it does now.
I shake my head, willing somehow that this will clear you from my mind.
I laugh, a small sound, for I know that I will never truly be able to forget you, not for a moment.
The smile returns to me, and for a fleeting moment I feel happy, memories of your touch, your laughter, and your presence.
Again I shake you from my mind.
I rise from my bed, the bed I now share with my husband. What damage have I done to him? Does he realise the love I feel for you? Will he forgive me? Will you both forgive me?
Why can I never let go and just be?
I move slowly from the bedroom. Drained. Each step a sluggish movement. I feel ill. Physically. The bathroom seems to have moved. I don't recall it ever being such a distance from the bedroom. Or is it that I am having such a struggle with movement that it seems to take forever to navigate the small space.
I make it there in time to lose my stomach contents. Is this my punishment? I sit on the tile floor, the coolness a welcome relief. Time seemed to stand still.
"Are you ok?" Josh knelt beside me and placed the back of his hand on my forehead. Where had he come from? How long had I been sitting here?
"I think so" I whispered. The energy required to speak was far too much for me. Even the slight nod of my head sent me reeling. Where had all my energy gone?
"Tess?" Josh's questioning gaze disturbed me. I looked away from him. Not wanting him to see the pain behind my eyes. Or the betrayal I felt.
He picked me up effortlessly. Carried me back to the bedroom and placed me gently on the bed. Disappeared and came back a moment later with a soft wash cloth that he used to wipe my brow.
I did love him.
"I have to get back to the hospital." He leaned down and kissed my lips, then left.
I was alone with my thoughts once again.
Sleep.
I dressed, my morning ritual giving me some solace for the day ahead.
I checked my tie in the mirror, stopped and looked again. My eyes betrayed me. For I saw the pain reflecting back at me. Will they see my despair? Will they see my lies? Will you know?
Move on.
Sergeant Tess Gallagher. That is who I am. For god's sake. I am strong. I made my own decisions. I stand by them. I am determined to live with them.
Who was I kidding?
I left. A shake of my head. Disgust in my wake.
----------
"Morning Serge" Ben seems neither here nor alive.
Briefly I glance at him. I see his pain. Does he see mine? I mumble my reply.
"Morning"
As I place my briefcase on my desk I allow myself one small look in your direction. You don't look at me. You don't see me any more. I feel anger radiating from you. I understand.
Jo bounces into the station. She has a lot of energy. Some days I hate her. Not in a malicious way. But because she seems uncomplicated. Loved. Nurtured. All the things I feel I have missed out on.
"Morning all" Jo smiles.
I look over at her and force myself to smile.
"So patrol. Jonesy? You coming?" Jo dangles the keys to the patrol car in her hand before you even see her make a move to get them.
I watch your back as you rise. You turn to me.
"Anything else you'd prefer I do Sergeant?"
His short crisp and sarcastic tone cuts right through me. Little does he know of the things I would rather he do. I don't know maybe he does. He knows me so well, knew that I cared, I couldn't deny it that day in the locker room. My silence spoke volumes, I didn't reply with those same three words, but he knew as well as I did, that I love him.
Automatically I picked up a few files that lay on my desk, carrying them with me to check the patrol roster, "No it's fine, you go."
It was a waste of my breath really, Jo and Evan had already made their way to the door. Silently I watched his retreating back, the back my fingers had raked over. I knew him so well and yet in reality, I knew Josh so much more intimately.
"G'day Josh." I heard Jo's chirpy greeting.
"Hi Jo. Tess inside?" Josh's voice seemed somehow alien to me, almost fuzzy in my brain. I felt like I was in a dream with all the actions happening around me, they involved me but I wasn't really there.
"Yeah she is," Jo replied. "Hey Jonesy wait up." her footsteps pounded on the tiles of the veranda as she raced after Evan. Her simple words told me that Evan hadn't bothered to speak to Josh.
It didn't surprise me really. I couldn't blame him. I recalled those feelings of betrayal I felt when Becky had announced she was carrying Evan's baby. What right did I have to feel like that at the time. We'd not even kissed. But I guess it's not really about physical commitments rather the commitment my heart had made to that man. I loved him back then, too scared to admit it, I loved him now - even more so. So strong were my feelings for him, so scared was I of those feelings that I...
"You feeling okay Tess? Better than last night?" Josh's voice interrupted my reverie. Instantly I felt guilty.
"Umm, what? Sorry," I muttered still unable to clear the fuzz.
"Are you..."
The darkness mulled around me, a strange smell pervaded my nostrils. Desperately I tried to open my eyes, gain some sense of my whereabouts. I felt his hand pick up mine, the largeness of his engulfed mine.
"Evan," I whispered. "Evan, please, hold me."
"Tess!"
I could hear his voice, angry almost guttural, it didn't sound like Evan. Who else would it be though?
"Tess," his voice continued. "It's Josh. Tess you're in hospital. You fainted at the station."
"Evan?" I murmured once again.
The fog lifted. My eyes opened slowly. I sighed. It became clear to me now where I was and that it was Josh holding my hand and not Evan.
"I what?"
"You fainted Tess" Josh repeated. "I took some blood and have sent it off for testing. Just the usual series of tests . . ."
He seemed to trail off, then abruptly turned and looked at me, concern etched in his features.
"You're blood pressure is a little low, and considering you have not been well the last couple of days, I'm not at all surprised you fainted. You haven't been looking after yourself very well. You push yourself too hard Tess." He looked away from me just as abruptly.
I hated myself right then.
Josh took his hand from mine as a nurse passed him a manila folder. His eyes didn't move from the page. An eternity came and went. I could see his mind working. Finally he looked up from the folder, and faced me.
"You're pregnant." just a statement.
I knew.
He walked away.
My hands flew to cover my face. The tears flowed freely.
Was I happy that what I have known for a few weeks to be true was now a fact? How could I allow myself this happiness? How can I allow myself anything? I couldn't think anymore. It hurt, physically, to think constantly about what I had done.
I needed to take action. I needed to be decisive. I needed to be in control.
I stopped crying. Lifted my head. Wiped the tears from my face. Sat up.
My shoes were lined up neatly at the side of the bed and my belt was sitting precariously on the small night stand. I slipped my shoes back on and fastened the cumbersome belt around my waist. Squared my shoulders and headed for the nurses station.
Ben was leaning against the wall, hands raking his face. I took in the sight of him. He looked like a mess. Does anyone else see his pain? "Ben?"
He looked up at me. Flashed me a brief smile. "You ok?"
"Yes. You look like shit Ben. Has anyone told you that lately?"
"Dr Carmichael wanted you to stay in overnight." a nurse said tentatively as she approached my position.
"I don't think that will be necessary." I replied.
She hovered, as if waiting for me to follow her back to the room. Ben looked awkwardly between us, then gave the nurse a curious look when he saw she was not about to leave.
"But Dr Carmichael . . . "
"I know what Dr Carmichael thinks thank you. And I don't agree." I snapped at her. I softened. "I am fine. Really. Now can you sign me out please?"
"Against Dr's orders?"
I took a deep breath, sighing heavily. I was about to say something to her when I saw Josh approaching from the opposite corridor.
I felt Ben move slightly away from me. The nurse looked at Josh, then me, then back at Josh, she opened her mouth to say something but Josh spoke before she could. "It's ok Julie." He turned to me, clasped my arm in his hand and pulled me aside. "What are you doing? I think you need to stay here tonight. I need to keep an eye on you."
"Josh. I'm ok. I'm fine."
"Tess, you're not fine . . will you listen to me. For once in your goddamed life will you let someone else help you."
"You walked away from me back there. I didn't think you wanted to have anything to do with me . . ."
"I'm sorry." he looked around, glanced at Ben and pulled me further away from where Ben was standing. He whispered. I could feel his warm breath on my face. It was oddly comforting. "Tess. We've got a few things to talk about. . . please stay here . . . I need to know you are all right."
The tears threatened again. I shut my eyes. Tightly. "I can't do this Josh. I need to leave." I pulled away from him. "Ben" I signalled to him that I was ready to go. He stood tall and made his way to the exit. I followed. I didn't look back. Couldn't.
----------
Ben drove in silence. I stared out the window.
The radio squawked to life. "VKC to Mt Thomas 258" Ben lifted the receiver and slowed the patrol car. "258 receiving"
I listened with only half an ear to what Ben was saying as he was patched through to the boss at the station. I heard my name mentioned. I was too lost within myself to care or notice what was being said.
"Tess. We got a hot berg. Jo and Jonesy are tied up, PJ's going to meet us there. . . . You up to it? I can drop you back at the station."
"I'm fine Ben. Let's go" Copper mode took over, automatic pilot for me, I don't have to think. Procedure takes no effort.
Ben hit the switch for the lights and siren, swung the car in a wide arc and planted his foot on the accelerator. My finger nails dug into the vinyl of the arm rest.
In a matter of moments Ben had the patrol car screeching to a holt outside a house on Acacia Court.
"It's the last one." Ben pointed to a house with a picket fence and large frangipanni tree in the front yard.
I looked at the house, couldn't see any movement in the front. As I climbed out of the patrol car my hand reached automatically for my service revolver. It hit empty air. "Ben . . . I don't have a weapon."
He looked back at me as he headed towards the driveway. His revolver in the ready position. "Boot"
It took me two seconds to pop the boot and find the weapon Ben had said was in there. Locked behind the spare tyre was a service revolver. Standard issue. I picked it up and felt it's weight in my hands, I checked the round. Was I ready? No.
I moved from the rear of the car, watched Ben make his way down the driveway. He signalled for me to follow him as he headed for the back of the house. I followed his lead. My stomach doing flip flops as I walked. Nerves? Anticipation? This was not an unusual occurrence when walking into a highly volatile situation. I decided to ignore the sensation.
The driveway was lined with small shrubs that brushed my legs as I walked past, assorted flowers in bright summery colours filled my vision. Looking up I watched as Ben carefully rounded the corner, my ready stance his backup.
I heard the sudden stop of a car out the front. Prayed silently that it was PJ. Quickly I take my eyes off Ben and glance up the driveway. Relief. PJ walked towards me, copper was automatic for him too. I reset my vision to Ben, and sensed PJ approach. I felt his questioning look. I signalled to PJ that Ben was making a move. Not once taking my eyes from him as he slowly opened the screen door.
"Police. Police. Freeze. No body move."
PJ and I were behind Ben in an instant.
"Shit!" Ben exclaimed, "It's just a possum." Slowly he walked towards an open doorway, inching round the edge of the door he pulled his gun once again. "Clear," he called out.
We moved gradually through each room of the house, nothing seemed to be out of place, nothing seemed to be taken and there hadn't been a forced entry.
"Go call it in Ben, must've been kids playing a prank, there's no hot burg here."
"Yep righto Serge," Ben left and I followed PJ through to the rear of the house. His manner told me he was concerned about something, "What is it PJ?"
"Can you smell anything?" he asked looking somewhat perplexed.
"Trying not to smell too much right now," I joked, forgetting that he wasn't in on my 'condition'.
"Nah, it's dope, you sure you can't smell it? Someone's been here in the last few minutes Tess, I'm certain of that. Let's do more of a thorough search."
"Right, I'll go and let Ben know."
We searched for nearly two hours, the house yielded nothing more than the usual contents, even under a thorough search. PJ called the techies from St David's to take the computer we found in a bedroom cum office. A few boxes were also earmarked for a closer inspection. PJ's instincts were working overtime.
I was exhausted by the time PJ finally decided we had seen enough. I was thankful. He noticed I was tiring, and approached me. "How are you doing?" he placed his hand on my shoulder, a comforting gesture.
I was honest with my response. "I am tired PJ." I summoned a weak smile.
The sun had gone down at least an hour ago; I shivered a little in the cold night air. PJ put his arm around my shoulder and gave a gentle squeeze. "Let's get you home."
We walked together down the drive, we passed Ben who was talking to Brian McLachlan, the techie from St David's. PJ gave a slight tilt of his head, a signal to Ben that we were finished. He opened the passenger door of the CI car for me. Said he would be a minute and then went over to where Ben and Brian were standing. I got in the car, leaned my head back and closed my eyes.
I thought about PJ, we were similar. We believed in the term 'copper', it was part of our creed, the silent code. We lived for the structure and discipline that came with the 'job'. We understood each other. It had taken a while for PJ and I to reach the level of respect for each other that we now have.
From the beginning it seemed like PJ treated me like the office junior, instead of the experienced detective that I was. We skated each other for a while. I had my own ideas. PJ had his way. Both of us too stubborn to see the others point of view. We clashed, butted heads and we fought. Understanding came with time.
PJ had difficulties accepting me. I replaced his true love Maggie. He told me about her, small details, one long night in the middle of a case. It was the first time he truly opened up to me. We were disagreeing over a case, yet again. It was the last straw for me. I had no idea where his hostility came from. I totally understood Ben's hostility towards me, after all I had won the position of sergeant over him. But PJ was a mystery to me.
He talked about Maggie, their relationship, and how she died. I was confused at first as to why he would tell me these things. Then I understood, he was trying to explain himself to me. Why he was reacting towards me the way he had been.
I was everything Maggie wasn't. We were opposites, yet, he told me we were the same.
I reminded him daily of his loss.
We had the same ideals about policing. He liked that we both tried at all times to be good coppers. The Law for me was very black and white, right and wrong, for Maggie it was all colours of the rainbow.
Maggie had a special communication with others. She was gentle. Natural. She embodied goodness and wholesomeness. PJ loved her unabashedly. That much was clear to me.
I must have drifted off, PJ nudged me. We were out the front of the station. I was completely exhausted. Couldn't remember the last time I had eaten anything. All I could think about was sleep. I dragged myself from the car. Made my way down the drive to the police residence. Let myself in and plonked myself down on my bed. I didn't have time to remove my clothes, sleep was far too important.
----------
I woke with a start. Felt the weight of Josh's arm across my naked hip. The hair on his chest brushing my arm. I watched his sleeping face for a moment before I gently removed his arm. He looked troubled. Was this all my doing? Action took over, I was thirsty and needed the bathroom. I tried not to think. All I ever do is think.
It was 3.45am. I was still exhausted. Josh woke as I eased back into bed. He mumbled something.
"Tess?" he was instantly awake, and sat up.
I sat in the bed next to him saying nothing. I didn't know what to say or where to begin. Clearly we needed to talk. Was this the right time though? Did I have enough energy to deal with the situation right now?
Josh dove right in. "I know you probably don't want to talk about this now . . . but I want you to know that I will be here for you . . . I want to be a father to the baby . . . even though . . . well . . ."
"Josh"
"It's ok, I think I understand . . . you and Evan . . "
"Josh . . . please" My heart stabbed at me. I couldn't bear hearing his name. "Do we have to talk about this now?"
"I think we do . . . you can't just ignore the situation Tess"
"I'm not ignoring the situation . . ."
"You are . . you . . "
"Josh." I cut him off before he could go any further. I really did not want to deal with this now. "I am tired. It's 4 am. Can we do this later?"
I emphasised my point by turning from him and pretending to go back to sleep. It didn't take long before I was asleep.
----------
I felt the warmth from the sun streaming in the window. I slowly opened my eyes. Watched as the curtains swayed softly in the breeze. What was it about the movement of the curtains that soothed me?
I looked at the clock and sighed heavily. 10 am. I was late. Very late. Josh long gone. I thought, wryly, at least I don't have to go far to work. A blessing. I got up and made my way to the bathroom. Showered and dressed carefully in my uniform. Josh had left me some freshly squeezed juice in the fridge. I drank it with some dry toast. Checked my tie in the mirror before I left. It was crooked.
" . . . to wake her." I heard Jo before I saw her. "Morning serge" she smiled brightly at me.
"Constable Parrish" Grrrr.
I barely made it to my desk before the boss was calling me into his office.
"Everything all right Tess?"
"Yes boss. I'm fine." I took a seat.
"I thought after yesterday, you might be taking some time off."
"No. I'm fine."
He looked at me. Fatherly concern? "Is there anything you should be telling me?"
Oh god . . . "No boss."
"Because you know my door is always open . . I like to think of you as part of my family Tess. If there is anything I or Grace can do . . . "
"Thanks boss, I appreciate it. Really, I do. But I'm fine. . . Sorry I was late. Won't happen again." I got up to leave.
"Josh gave me a call . . . said you were ah running a little late."
I nodded, and slipped out the door. Dammit, why is he so good to me?
PJ emerged from his office and approached my desk cautiously. "Mate. Everything ok?"
I nodded. "Did you get anything from the computer?" The distraction of work will keep me going.
"Brian's still working on it. The owners of the house Mr and Mrs Lloyd Cooper, lease it to one David Gillsper. Nothing on LEAP. Ben's already checked it out. The call came in from a pay phone. Nothing there. So we don't really have a lot to go on. Except curious enough David Gillsper is missing. Didn't show up for work today." He looked through the folder he had clutched in his hand.
Ben came over tapping his pen against his hand. "Works for Gary Millar, on the new housing development going up around Cobden Street. Brought the business from the Les Anderson estate."
I looked over to your desk at the mention of Les Anderson.
PJ and Ben followed my gaze, silent understanding.
"We're about to head over there, do a bit of digging, so to speak." PJ informed me.
"Yep. Ok."
They left the station. I got stuck into some paperwork. The occasional glance at your empty desk, the only distraction for me.
The day passed rather quickly, Jo and I attending several minor incidents. We did not pass you on patrol. I was disappointed. I missed you.
It was well after sundown when I see you next. Jo, PJ and Ben had left for the nightly drink at the Imperial. The boss had gone home to Grace. I was avoiding spending any time at home with Josh. Silly. Because no doubt he was at the hospital. It was quiet. I worked at my desk.
"Sergeant Gallagher" You entered quietly.
"Constable Jones" I barely looked up.
You sat at your desk and busied yourself. I gave my paperwork my fullest attention. I tried. You were distracting.
"Evan . . ." I had so much I wanted to say.
I watch you turn to me. You say nothing.
"Will you talk to me?"
Still you say nothing. Yet you attempt a smile. The moment seems to go on forever.
"Goodnight" and you leave me.
I follow you to the locker room. The beginning of it all.
"Evan . . . will you please listen to me."
"I have heard your explanation." You yell at me. "It's over. I get it."
You pull the locker open violently. The heat from you is overwhelming.
"Evan . . " I step towards you. Dangerous. I can't help it. I am compelled. I need to feel you.
It's like an electric shock when I touch you. Powerful.
You turn to face me. Look at me intently. I lean into you. I breath you in. Place my lips on yours. This is not me. I have no control.
Passion. That's what you would say.
The kiss deepens. Before I know it we are back where we started. Only this time there are no interruptions. My belt makes a loud clang as it hits the floor. Yours follows in no time.
The urgency is overwhelming. It is not about making love. It is about need and anger. The experience is almost violent. I can not get enough of you. I want you to hurt me. I want you to make me feel something. You do not hold back. Your anger pulsates within me. It makes me feel alive. A small twinge of guilt holds me back for a moment. You do not allow me to think about it. For your touch has me completely. We are in sync.
When we are finished, you move away from me. It is like a slap. A jolt. A shock. What is it I expected? I feel cold. Alone. The fire drained from me.
"Evan?"
You look at me. You seem a little stunned. "I . . ah . ." you laugh, shake your head. "am not sorry . . " you pick up the pile of clothes from the floor, start to redress yourself and pass me my clothes. Then you leave.
I smile. I am not sorry either.
I lock the station as I leave, and pray that Josh is not there when I get home. He is not.
I wonder about aimlessly. The warmth of your touch more than just a memory.
----------
Josh does not return until after 7 am. I am already dressed in my uniform ready for work when he comes in.
"Coffee?" I ask.
He looks a little shaken. He takes the cup I proffer. "Nasty car accident last night on Ketchers Gorge Road, male driver died." As he takes a big gulp of coffee. "Ben and Evan were there."
"Oh." It's all I can manage.
"Evan mentioned something about you looking for him yesterday."
"Me? Looking for Evan? What?" Did I miss something?
"No." he scowled at me. "The male driver that died. Gillsper? I think that was his name. David. Ben said you were looking for him yesterday. Something about a house break-in."
"Oh. Yes." I made a move to leave.
"Tess?"
"mmmm . . yeah?" I looked at him.
He stared at me for a long time. I wondered what he was thinking. He seemed to be searching for something.
"Feeling ok today?" He finally asked. I nodded. "Maybe I should check you over." He looked concerned once again. Bedside manner working overtime.
I laughed. "Thanks Doctor. I'm fine. No need." Actually I was feeling really good. The memory of last night surfaced. I had the good graces to blush. "I will see you later."
Josh stopped me with a gentle touch on my arm, he leaned over and kissed my lips. "Bye. Look after yourself Sergeant."
"Tess." Josh called to me as I pulled the front door open to leave.
"Yeah?"
He looked at me, seeming to want to say something, but unable to express himself. He shook his head, "Nothing."
Was I so caught up in myself that I didn't notice what was going on with him? Another reason to feel guilty.
"You sure?" I am concerned now.
"Yes. It's nothing. Go . . . I'll be at the hospital later."
I smiled. Waited to see his smile in return. Then made my way into the station.
----------
Morning readout over and done with. The day gets off to a busy start. Jo and I are called out to a domestic dispute.
It is almost 1 pm when PJ and Ben update me on the Gillsper case. Evan joins us in PJ's office to talk about the car accident that killed David Gillsper. I display my professionalism at all times.
"Brian is still working on the computer found at Gillsper's house. Should have a report for us sometime soon." Ben informed us.
"And the car accident last night? Josh said it was rather nasty." I see you flinch when I mention Josh's name. I pretend I don't notice and carry on. "Do we have any idea on how it happened yet?"
"AI team were working on it. Rolled a couple of times going across the road. Gillsper died instantly." You turn to face me as you speak. The trace of a smile crosses your lips.
"So what do they think happened?" I ask you.
"It was obvious from the scene that someone had run him off the road. Impact zone was a black mark that stretched the length of the rear of his car." You indicate this with a sweep of your arm. "Possibly from a high bumper, a 4 wd or truck?" You look towards Ben and you both nod your agreeance.
I am puzzled. "Why? What did Millar have to say?"
"Gillsper was a model employee according to Millar, on time, did his job well . . bit of a computer nut they reckon . . . wrote games as a hobby." Ben consulted his note book. "Sold a few too." He looked up at me and seeing my curiosity, explained. "Millar's secretary, Sharona Burton. I think she might have had a bit of a crush on Gillsper, most forthcoming with the information."
I nodded. "I guess she will be upset to hear about his death then."
"Just a bit" Ben said to my obvious statement.
"So another talk with her." I suggested.
Ben nodded, then motioned to Evan and they left PJ's office.
I turned to follow them.
"Everything ok?" PJ asked.
"Yeah." I looked back at him. He looked concerned. I sigh. "I'm fine. Much better really. Feeling great." Bravado?
The phone on PJ's desk rings. "Senior Detective Hasham . . . Brian . . . mate . . ." I hear him say.
I return to my desk. A mountain of paperwork awaits me. Where does it all come from? I busy myself, making a dent. Jo flitters around the station. She attempts conversation. I smile and nod. Trust Jo to add a light heartedness to the atmosphere. I am caught up in my paperwork and only notice PJ standing at my side when he touches my shoulder.
"Mate. A word."
I look up and he gives me his half smile. I follow him into the interview room.
"Brian." he sits at a chair, indicates for me to take the opposite one. "has dug up some interesting stuff from Gillsper's computer." He has a sheaf of papers that he shuffles and explains as. "Interim report."
"Blah Blah usual programs . . . few game 'shells' he's working on." at this PJ shrugs his shoulders, not a computer bloke. "some interesting files, encrypted. Password protected, usual security precautions. Brian has made his way through some, say's it's going to take quite a while." PJ looks at me and smiles.
I am wondering where this is heading. "uh huh"
"ahh . . . few interesting names have come up . . ." he stops.
"PJ?"
"Look . . . it's probably nothing . . . Josh's name pops up on occasion, reference to some drug P3-EXT . . "
"PJ" I am more than wondering now.
"It doesn't mean a lot to us really. We have no framework in which to reference this. Hatish's name is also mentioned. As is Mel Carter's."
I feel there is more that he is not telling me.
"PJ, come on."
"It's just that Josh pops up quite regularly . . and Brian has done some research on this drug . . ah," he consults the report, "P3-EXT and has come up with the possibility that it might be a new kind of import. Some sort of higher brain function inhibitor." he shrugs. "Experimental. . . not a hell of a lot known about it . . . Bri thinks it might be a new 'recreational' drug about to hit the market . . ."
"And you think Josh has something to do with that?" I am a little shocked.
"Well I don't know. Perhaps we should ask Josh." he pauses. "Do you want to do that . . by yourself?"
"Yeah. ok." I get up and leave. I am unsure about what is going on. As I make my way towards the front door, PJ stops me and hands me the folder with Brian's interim report.
----------
A thousand questions swirl around in my head as I make the drive over to the hospital. What is going on? Who is David Gillsper? Why was Josh's name in his computer? How is he connected to Josh? What the hell was Josh doing involved with experimental drugs? How well did I know my husband? I had to stop thinking and concentrate on driving.
I park the patrol car in the designated POLICE parking bay. Slip the portable radio on my belt and make my way into the hospital foyer. I was pretty sure I would find Josh somewhere on the second floor. I was correct. I found him in a huddle with another man, mid thirties, dark hair, approx. 6 foot, expensive looking suit. Habit. From their body language I surmised they were not having a friendly conversation. Josh had his back to me.
". . . I am not . . " I heard Josh say. The other man laid a hand on his arm. A warning that I was approaching perhaps?
Josh turned around and saw me. He looked agitated. "Tess." Relief or surprise. Hard to tell. He stood taller. Smiled at me. Even leant over and kissed my cheek.
I smiled back. We stood for a moment. Frozen in time.
"Not going to introduce me?" The other man asked Josh.
"Oh . . ahh . . Sergeant Gallagher this is Wilhem Graham . . Wilhem Graham, my wife, Tess Gallagher."
"Mr Graham." I was polite. Curious.
We shook hands. He held my hand for a moment to long.
"Ahh . . the lovely Sergeant I have been hearing so much about. Even more beautiful than you described Josh ol boy." he grinned at me.
"So are you a doctor?" I ask.
"Sort of. Pharmacology is the game." he grinned again. "Work for OmiPharm. Company in Melbourne. Distributor of sorts. Josh, she really is quite stunning."
I cringe. Josh blushes? Hangs his head a little.
"Were you finished?" I ask. "Just needed to speak to you for a moment." I look at Josh.
He nods. "Just give me a minute."
"Fine." I smile. "Nice to meet you Mr. Graham."
"Yes. Nice to meet you Tess. Hope to be seeing you again."
I shudder. I go over to the nurse's station, where I can still see them. But can't make out what they are saying. Wilhem Graham says something to Josh that he doesn't seem happy about. They shake hands and Wilhem Graham walks away. Not before looking in my direction and giving a wave.
Josh heads over to me. He is shaking his head by way of apology. Laughs. Awkwardly. "Sorry about that. Pushy sales reps."
Again I am curious. "Sales rep?"
"Yeah they come for the pharmacy, but it's the doctors they have to sell the drugs to. Pushy. Sorry. What was it you needed to see me about?" He puts his hand gently on my back and leads me into the doctors lounge.
I am still curious. But Josh has sidestepped the subject. I decide to leave it at that. He goes to the coffee mate and takes down 2 mugs from the cupboard. I am surprised to see that the sink area is clean. He indicates with the mug, do I want one?
"Thanks"
Josh pours two cups. Hands me one and we sit next to each other on the couch. Thighs touching. His hand rests on my knee. He gives it a gentle squeeze. Is this to reassure him or me? I look at him. He looks a little shaken. I make a mental note to find out more about this Wilhem Graham.
"David Gillsper." I say, watching Josh's face for his reaction.
A small flinch is all I get. "mmm"
"Did you know him?"
He leans forward, removes his hand from my knee and wraps both hands around his coffee mug. "Yeah" He finally says.
I say nothing, but wait for him to tell me more. He doesn't look at me. But focuses on a spot on the door.
"Josh?"
"Karate. I know him from karate."
I nod. He looks at me.
"Why didn't you say that before?"
"Shock I guess. I was shocked." He looks immediately upset.
I lean forward, put my cup on the coffee table, put my hand on his leg, and kiss him. Lightly. Consoling. He puts his arms around me and we hug.
The door opens and a nurse comes in. I pull away from Josh. She apologises and leaves quickly. I am embarrassed. Josh laughs at me. Kisses me on the lips. His hand goes to my waist, and he leans me back into the couch. Deepens the kiss. I put my hand on his chest to push him away. I feel like I am betraying you, by kissing my husband. Josh pulls away from me and looks at me with an odd expression. Then laughs again. Calls me a prude. I give a small laugh this time. He knows I am not fond of public displays of affection. I let him think this is why I do not want to kiss him.
He stands up and puts the coffee mugs in the sink, washes them, dries them and puts them back in the cupboard. We are the same. He understands my need for order.
"David was an unranked beginner, very keen. I was showing him some kihon and kata. We stayed behind on a few occasions. No big deal. He was a fit guy. Worked part time in the building trade I think he said."
I nodded by way of encouragement.
"He wanted some extra training. Our Sensei Andrew suggested I show him a few things. I had some free time, not much, mind you, but well . . " he indicated back and forth between the two of us. "this was before we started seeing each other."
I smiled.
"So, yeah we stayed behind a few times. We didn't really say a lot." Josh shrugs implying that he doesn't really know anything more.
"He didn't reveal anything about his family or friends?" I ask as I stand up.
"No. Not to me." Josh looks a little evasive.
"Nothing?"
He shakes his head in the negative.
"You sure there isn't something else?" I push a little harder. Why do I feel he is lying to me. I move a step closer to him.
"Tess. What is this? An interrogation?" Nervous laughter. He backs into the sink. Evading once again.
I look at him, as if by doing so, he will tell me the truth. He says nothing. I take a step closer.
I sigh. "Josh, are you telling me everything?"
"Yes." He is quick to answer. Then he looks away from me.
"What is P3-EXT?" I cut to the heart of it.
His head rockets up. I see a quick flash of anger. He recovers quickly. "I have no idea."
I have not seen him angry on many occasions. I am a little taken aback. And that I know he is lying to me disturbs me also. I need to leave. But I need to know more.
"Tess. I don't know. Really."
Now I know he is lying to me. I really want to get away from him.
"Tess?"
He takes a step towards me. I back up. I feel nervous.
"Tess? Are you ok?"
I start to feel my stomach churning. I need to be sick. I put my hand to my mouth. I can taste the bile in the back of my throat. I bolt for the door. Head for the nearest toilet, which is thankfully only across the hall. Josh is right behind me. I don't make it all the way. I throw up all over the floor.
It takes a while before I recover. Josh stays with me in the bathroom. I am not sure if I like it. A nurse's aid comes in and cleans the floor. I guess they are used to that job. I don't envy them. She comes back with a glass of water for me, which I sip slowly.
"Sorry." I apologise to her. She smiles her understanding. I still feel queasy. Josh helps me out of the bathroom. I need to leave.
"Josh I have to go. I'll see you later." I hand him the half empty glass of water. I move away from him quickly.
"Tess." He calls out to me, I pretend I don't hear.
I make it to the patrol car in record time. I am feeling better. I am also more than a little confused.
----------
As I head out of the car park, a call comes over the radio. A theft from the clothing store in the mall. It takes no more than five minutes for me to get there.
I write up the details in my police folder. This doesn't take long, the thief had gotten away, and the sales girl could only give me a brief description. She is upset and I call her manager for her to explain.
As I am walking out of the mall, something catches my eye. I look in the pharmacy and see Wilhem Graham talking to Hatish. I watch for a moment. Wilhem has spotted me. He makes his way over to where I stand.
"Twice in one day. I am fortunate." He beams at me.
"Hello." I give him my police smile. Start feeling queasy again. Possibly due to his presence.
He looks me up and down. Slowly.
"Are you finished?"
He raises his eyebrow. "Some guys have all the luck."
Audible sigh. I shake my head. He is too much. I want to question him, mainly about his conversation with Josh. But I don't want to have to spend too much more time in his company.
He looks at his watch, grins at me some more. "Can I buy you a coffee?"
"Sure, why not." I say. What am I doing?
"Well lead on." He say's.
I take him around the corner to the café, where a somewhat decent coffee is served. We sit at an outdoor table, no one around us. The waitress takes our order and we are left by ourselves.
I take a good look at him. Turn around is fair play. He is not all together unattractive. He has deep set eyes, I can not tell if they are grey or green. Mood changing eyes. His nose is aquiline. His top lip is a little too thin. His hair long on top, similar to Josh's style. He fills his expensive suit well. I look at his long legs and know that he is well over 6 foot.
He laughs. "So Josh tells me you are newly married."
"Yes."
"Honeymooners hey." He gives me a suggestive look.
"So have you known Josh long?" I ask. Steering the subject towards him.
"Ahhh," he nods. "I see. Yeah. Josh and I met at Uni of Melbourne studied medicine together. Only I moved into pharmacology. No stomach for the blood and guts I'm afraid." He laughs.
"So why pharmacology?"
"Like the science behind it. The chemistry is fascinating." He looked like he was about to launch into a long speech. Took a deep breath, "Oh don't let me bore you." He laughed.
I smile.
The waitress places our coffees on the table.
"I wouldn't find it boring; I don't think I would understand a lot of it though."
"I guess you wouldn't" he says, eyeing me again. "I am on the sales side these days, not a lot to do with R'n'D anymore."
"So that involves visiting hospitals all over?"
"Yeah, basically, getting the doctors familiar with our product and brand. Mmm."
"And what was Josh's opinion of your . . product?"
He gives me an odd look. "Well Josh is a traditionalist. Take quite a bit to sway him. I should try twisting his arm."
He winks, joking, but I sense a seriousness about it.
He tells me a little bit about his travels. Where he has been. What the hospitals are like. He seems passionate.
We are interrupted by my radio. I am relieved somewhat to have to leave him.
"We should do this again. I will be around for a few days. Staying at the Imperial." He gives me his business card, then waves his mobile phone in the air.
I put the card in my pocket, I feel his eyes on me as I make my way to the patrol car. Again I shudder.
----------
I enter the station from the back door. And am nearly at my desk when Jo holds the phone in the air. "Serge. hubby. Line 2." She smiles at her own humour.
"Josh?" I say as I punch the button for line two.
"Tess? Are you ok?" He sounded frantic.
"Yes. What's up?"
"You sure?"
"Yes. What's going on?"
"Nothing. I just wanted to know you were ok."
"Stop fretting." I whisper, Jo is in earshot. "I told you I'm fine. I have to go." He says good bye and we hang up.
"Tess? Anything?" PJ calls from the doorway of his office.
"Nothing." I do not want to tell him of my conversation with Josh. I need to analyse it first.
I head over to the computer near the radio. It has locked up. I hit the reset button, and curse the stupid thing. It is slow to reboot. I watch it go through the process. My mind elsewhere.
I know I should tell PJ everything. It is, after all an official investigation into the death of David Gillsper. Murder, I correct myself. But I need answers. All my copper instincts tell me to follow procedure, but still, I do not. The thought of an ESD investigation does not worry me as it once would of. Dammit I have made too many mistakes lately to make any more.
Mistakes.
Brings me to thoughts of you. It wasn't a mistake, I justify to myself. Josh was what I needed. Safety, stability, reliability. You represent everything I am wary of. That I am in love with you matters not. I listen to my head as my heart stabs me violently in the chest.
The computer prompts me for the password. I type it in. It thinks about it for a few seconds then I am faced with the desktop and a multitude of icons. I double click on the LEAP database icon. It asks me for my user name and password which I dutifully supply.
Graham, Wilhem. I enter his name in the field designated so. I have no other details for him. Except that he attended medical school at the University of Melbourne at the same time as Josh, which would have been approximately 10 years ago. I do the basic calculation in my head, trying to remember what Josh had told me about his time at university. I realised I knew very little, except that he was a friend of my friend Nicky, who I attended Uni with. And I didn't get a whole lot of information from her before she left for Nepal. Save for her wanting me to 'show' him around town as a favour. She still does not know that we are married.
The data base displays 'searching'. I look around me to see who is in the station. Jo is on the phone. PJ is in his office. Ben and Evan are not present. The boss is not in his office. Unusual. I should ask where he is. I will this database to hurry up.
Finally. It coughs up the details. There are 2 entries for a Graham, Wilhem. I eliminate the first one due to his age being 65. The second entry seems more likely. 35. I was close. He has a conviction for assault, in conjunction with a conviction for disturbing the peace. The details describe a protest rally. 1994. A conviction in 1995 for possession of an illegal substance. Minor offences. Numerous speeding fines throughout the years. Interesting enough he has a licence for a hand gun. That is about all that I find. I take note of the basic details and his permanent address in Melbourne.
I quickly clear the screen and log out of LEAP.
Turn around and find PJ behind me, looking over my shoulder. I jump. "PJ you sneaking up on me?"
"What you got there Sergeant?" He points to my notes.
"Ah . . nothing."
The front door bangs open. Evan and Ben enter. The door bangs shut behind them.
". . to all bloody kids . . ." Ben grumbles.
"oh come on . . they were only havin a bit of fun." I hear you laugh. I love that sound.
"Well next time I'm gonna arrest them." Ben goes into the locker room, mumbling some more.
"Problems?" I ask, extracting myself form behind PJ's bulk.
"Nah serge, Ben's working on his relations with teens." You laugh again.
I smile, sit down at my desk. Jo is on the phone again. She looks up at me. Hangs up the phone. "Serge? Got a domestic. Same house as the other day. The Porter's. They are at it again. You want I should go with Jonesy?"
"No. I'll go." I say and look at you. I follow you to the patrol car.
I do not know what to say to you as you drive. But I enjoy sitting next to you. We go in silence for a while. I feel I have to say something. "So how are you?" Lame.
You glance at me, "Yeah. ok."
I feel a flash of desire. I look at you and I know that I need your fire. I want to lie next to you. My head upon your chest and hear your heart beat in time with mine. I sigh. I need to control myself. It is the middle of the afternoon and I am thinking about you in ways I should not. I look at you. You smile at me. Can you read my thoughts or am I just that obvious.
The sun is setting slowly and the Porters are arguing in their front yard when we arrive. It takes a while but we eventually get them to stop arguing. I put the finishing touches on the field report as you have a final few words with Mr Porter.
We are quite on the drive back. The sun has set and the sky is full of stars. They wink at me from above. I feel good.
The others have gone by the time we make it back. I fill out the log book for our weapons, and finish with a few files that have been left on my desk. You are quiet as you leave, but I am warmed by your gentle "goodnight".
I look at the paperwork on my desk. Shove it aside. Lock the station and exit through the rear. It is quiet in the police residence. Josh still at the hospital. He will be there for hours more. I potter about for a while, then I change out of my uniform. I put some low slung brown trousers on, with a blue t-shirt that I tug at the hem. It exposes my belly, and for the first time I look in the mirror and imagine my womb swollen with pregnancy. I am unsure, but know that I will be happy. Although it is summer, I grab a lightweight jacket. It gets cold at night in Mt Thomas.
----------
I walk the short distance from the police station to the Imperial. Ben waves me over. He is at the bar, alone. PJ and Jo are at the 'usual' table. Evan is with them.
"I'm up. What'll you have serge?" Ben has a wonderful smile that he displays to me now.
"Orange juice thanks Ben."
"Whoop, hang on, the serge is on the hard stuff, bar keep, oj for the serge." I help Ben with taking the drinks to the table.
"Bottoms up." he says, clinking his beer with my orange juice.
Evan and Ben tell us about their encounter with the teenagers at Mosman Park. It is funny and makes me laugh. Then PJ tells us about the time Ben had a run in with grizzly old Mr Carson. And then it is open slather on the Ben stories. PJ has them in abundance. I am laughing so hard I don't notice that Wilhem Graham had entered the bar until he is right next to me.
"Sergeant Gallagher."
I look up at him and stop laughing. "Yes?"
"Could I have a private word with you?" He leans down towards me.
"uhm . . ok." I get up and follow him to the parlour. "What can I do for you Mr. Graham?"
He closes the door behind me. I don't like being in such close quarters with him.
"I was wondering if I could get you to do me a small favour."
I don't say anything. But I feel extremely uncomfortable.
"I would like you to have a word with your husband if you would." He moves closer to me.
"About?"
"Well . . I think it's in his best interest to be persuaded by you."
"To do what?" I am incredulous. Is this for real?
"Well lets just say to do what I would like." He is right in front of me now. "My patience is wearing thin." He touches me. Lightly, on my shoulder. Stares deep into my eyes.
"Are you threatening me Mr. Graham?" He towers over me. He looks menacing now.
"No. no. not threatening you at all." A short laugh. But his expression does not change.
"Well it seems like it from here." I do not like him at all, and I am not afraid to show my hostility towards him. "I don't take kindly to threats. Mr Graham."
His touch on my shoulder increases in pressure. "I would like it if you could persuade Josh to see things from my point of view."
I attempt to shake him off. His grip tightens even more. "Take your hands off me Mr Graham. Or I will arrest you for assault police."
"No need." he releases his hold on me, but does not move away. "Just a friendly request between mates." He smiles, it does not reach is eyes, which have turned a brilliant green colour. His eyes draw down my body, his hand finds its way to my hip and he slides it around to my behind. "Maybe we can find something else to be friends about too." He leers at me. I step back, effectively removing his hand from my body as I do.
I make my way out of the parlour as quickly as I can. I feel dirty.
"Who was that?" I hear you ask from the bottom of the stairs.
"Oh. You startled me."
"Tess? Who was he?"
"Nobody. I have to go" I say. I feel a bit shaken up. You see this, and come and stand close to me.
"Are you ok?"
"um . . . yes I am. I have to go." But I move closer to you. I crave your warmth. We are almost touching. "I really have to go." My head is spinning. I go back into the bar for my jacket and purse. I am outside in no time flat. I am shivering as I walk the short distance home, even with my jacket on.
----------
Josh is there when I get home. "Where have you been?" He sounds frantic. He practically pulls me in the door. "I have been worried."
"What is going on Josh? Who is Wilhem Graham?" I am confused and upset.
"Did he speak to you again?"
"Josh he just threatened me." I am yelling now. "Will you please tell me what is going on? What does he want me to persuade you to do?"
Josh paces between the kitchen and the lounge room. He says nothing. But he is extremely angry. He starts to talk. But mumbles and I can't make out what he is saying.
"Josh!"
He stands still for a moment. Trancelike. Is he even aware I am in the room?
"Josh?" I say again. I make a move towards him.
He starts pacing again. "This is all wrong." I hear him repeat over and over.
"Josh. will you please tell me what is going on."
He grabs me by the shoulders and shakes me. "Do not go anywhere near Wilhem Graham. Do you understand me?" He yells at me. He lets go of me and heads for the kitchen. He starts kicking the cupboards.
I am dumbfounded. I do not know what to do or say. "Josh" I say quietly, almost a whisper. "You're scaring me. Tell me what's going on."
"Oh god I knew this would happen. What have I gotten mixed up in? David's dead. P3-EXT is a nightmare. You make one mistake and all of it . . . " Josh is yelling and mumbling. I do not know what to make of it.
"Hang on. Josh? What has David got to do with Wilhem Graham? Did Wilhem Graham kill David? Is that it? Josh? Talk to me." I am getting angry now. I need answers.
Josh is getting more and more agitated; he picks up a cup and throws it violently against the wall. A piece of the cup flies off and hits me in the head. Blood gushes from my forehead. I put my hand up and gasp. I am shocked. Blood is all around me. I start to feel light-headed. Shock. I feel Josh at my side. But I can not see him I have too much blood in my vision. He leads me to the couch and sits me down. He uses a tea towel to soak up some blood and applies pressure to my forehead.
"Jesus Christ. Look what I have done now." He pulls my hand away and probes the spot. Fresh blood cascades out. "God it's deep too. Shit. I'm sorry."
"Josh. Ouch. Stop it. Will you please leave me alone." I am angry now. I swat his hand away from my forehead.
"Tess. You are bleeding profusely." He tries to tilt my head for a closer look.
"Stop it. I don't want you to help me." I am stubborn. And I am getting angrier.
"That is a very deep cut you're going to need some stiches. Sub cutaneous too by the looks of it." He is beginning to look frantic again.
"Josh. Please. Leave. Me. Alone." I say this quietly, the anger boiling within me. "Just go."
"Go? Tess you need stitches!" He searches the room for a moment before standing in front of me with his medical bag. "At least let me do that."
"I don't know what the hell you're up to. God I can't believe this. I don't want to be dragged into your mess. I am a police officer for god's sake." I am yelling at him now. My head hurts and I am beyond seeing any reason. "I don't want you to touch me. I want you to leave."
He just stands in front of me. Who is this man I married? "Josh. Just go."
He takes his bag and leaves, glances back at me before closing the door behind him.
My head does not stop bleeding. I am feeling queasy now. Please don't let me throw up right now. The light headed feeling is not going away. I am shaking too much to be able to stand. All I want to do is cry. I am so angry, with myself, and with Josh.
My head hurts. I can not move. I think I sit here forever, when in reality less than ten minutes have passed.
The phone rings. The portable is on the coffee table. As I reach for it the towel slips from my head, fresh blood oozes.
"Hello?" I start to feel my stomach churning.
"Tess?" It is Evan.
"Evan." The tears start to fall. I can barely hear what you are saying.
"Tess? Tess? Are you all right?"
"No." I manage through my tears. "I need you." I don't think I will ever be able to stop crying.
It seems like less than a minute later when I hear you come through the door. You kneel before me immediately.
"Bloody hell . . Tess?"
I cry even harder. I can't stop. I feel your arms wrap around me. I place my legs either side of you and lean into you. I fear I will never stop crying, though eventually the tears do dry up.
"Tess? What is going on? What happened?" You gently lean me away from you and survey my tear and blood streaked face. I must look a complete mess.
I can not answer you, for I do not know.
"You're covered in blood." You are worried. Still all I can do is nod. You move away from me and stand up. Immediately I feel cold. I shiver.
I watch as you go to the bathroom and come back with a towel and a wet face washer that you use to gently wipe the blood from my face. You are tender. I close my eyes. My head throbs.
"Did Josh do this to you?"
I open my eyes quickly and look at you. "It was an accident." I say.
"An accident? Tess. Your head is still bleeding. There is blood all over you."
"It was an accident Evan. He didn't mean to do it."
You look unconvinced. "That's what all victims of spousal abuse say."
Nervous laugh. "No. Evan. That's not what's going on here."
"Well it sure looks like it to me."
"Well it's not." I can't stop the anger creeping into my tone. You notice this and I feel bad. "It was an accident. Trust me."
He didn't believe me. It was written all over his face. "Truly." I say and smile at him, reassuringly. A sharp pain in my head sent me backwards. I groaned.
"Tess!" I heard you say before the blackness enveloped me.
----------
". . . should be ok . . . we'll take stitches out in a week or so . . all though there was significant blood loss . . . careful of . . . "
The voice is unfamiliar to me. I cannot open my eyes, they are heavy, I am depleted of all energy. I can hear bits of conversation around me. I hear Evan's concern for me in his voice. I am comforted by this.
Slowly I open my eyes. The bright lights send pain searing through my head and I close my eyes again.
I can hear more familiar voices now. I can not comprehend properly what is being said, but I can guess.
". . . she didn't say anything?"
"No. PJ what's going on?"
"I dunow mate. . . happened last night . . . and the car Chris identified . . . missing this morning."
I can only hear snatches but I surmise that you are talking about Josh. I am angry with him, but also concerned for his safety. My head hurt, although not as much as it had last night. I know I am in hospital. Evan must have brought me here. How much time had past?
Things are all fuzzy and I feel so tired. I no longer hear the sounds around me, but feel the warmth of sleep envelop me.
When I wake again there is no-one near me, I hear only distant sounds. The light is not as bright as before. My eyes adjust slowly to the surroundings.
I am in a hospital bed and am wearing a hospital gown. How long have I been here? I sit up gingerly. A nurse sees my movement and makes her way over to me.
"How are you feeling Mrs Carmichael?" she adjusts the hospital cover over me.
I look at her. Mrs Carmichael? Is she joking? I start to shake my head but stop.
"Take it easy Mrs Carmichael. You will probably have quite the sore head for a while."
"Gallagher, my name is Gallagher, not Carmichael." I insisted.
She looked taken aback. "Oh but I thought . .you . . you're married to Dr Carmichael aren't you?"
Small nod.
"Oh. Ohhh." She picks up the medical chart from the end of the bed, and has a thorough read of it. Looks at me, looks at it and resigns herself to it. "Well I guess." She laughs softly. "It does say Gallagher-Carmichael. Never mind. How is the head feeling?"
"It hurts." I say.
"Yes it will. Seven stiches and five sub cutaneous. Lost quite a bit of blood too."
I noted this.
"What is the time?" I ask
She consults the nurses watch pinned to her uniform. "10.56 am."
11.00 am.
That's almost 12 hours. I am frantic now, I make a move to get out of the bed and the nurse holds me back. I am weak and unable to fight her off very well.
"Mrs Gallagher! Please don't try and get out of bed yet. You need to recover properly."
I sit back in bed like a good patient. Another tactic.
"Is Josh here?"
"Dr Carmichael?" She smiles.
I nod.
"No. Come to think of it. I haven't seen him since . . well . . yesterday." She smiles again. Is it plastered to her face I wonder?
"He was due in today, but hasn't shown yet. I think Sister was saying something about it this morning." She gives me a curious look. Then I see something click inside her head. "Ahh . . well . . oh . . I think I should leave you now to get some rest." She leaves quickly.
Oh crikey that's done it now the rumours and gossip will start.
I have to leave and find Evan and Josh.
I am feeling slightly better. Some paracetamol will take care of the headache for now. I pull the cover back and slip out of bed. I find my clothes neatly folded in the bedside draw. I have my pants on and am about to slip my t-shirt over my head when Evan appears in front of me.
"What are you doing? Get back into bed." He takes the t-shirt from my hands and tries to steer me back to bed.
"Evan. I have to go." I sit back on the bed, not struggling with him, if only to ease the ache of my head for a moment.
"You don't have to go anywhere. Just stay here." His hands gently rub up and down my arms. The sensation feels good. Relaxing. Distracting.
"Evan." I whisper. Not sure if I can trust my voice not to betray me.
"It's ok Tess." His arms embrace me. I don't want to cry but the warmth and love I feel from him tears me up inside.
I make a feeble attempt to push him away. His arms do not release their hold of me. I am drawn, and I lean into him. My head rests on his chest.
"I have to go Evan." I say into his shirt.
"Where Tess?"
I lift my head and look into your eyes. "I have to find Josh."
Like a shot of cold water, your arms pull away from me. "Why?"
"He needs my help Evan, I can't abandon him now."
"He doesn't need your help Tess. For cryin out loud. Look what he has done to you already."
Exasperated, I sighed heavily. "I told you Evan, it was an accident. And like it or not, I am married to him." That hurt, as I knew it would.
He was silent for a while, I watched his mind work, he was angry. Life was so passionate for Evan. Every emotion he felt was written over his face. He paced in front of me for a few minutes then he seemed to come to some sort of decision. He stood in front of me. Slowly bent his head and placed a light kiss on my lips.
"OK. Lets go." He said as he handed me my t-shirt.
As I put my t-shirt on he knelt down and put socks and shoes on my feet. I found my watch in the drawer and put it on. Grabbed my blood stained jacket from the cupboard and made a move to follow Evan out of the room. The second time in as many days I had signed myself out of the hospital without doctor's consent.
----------
We stopped at the pharmacy on the way out and purchased some paracetamol. I swallowed some without water.
"Are you going to tell me what is going on?" Evan asked as he backed his truck out of the car park.
I told him everything I knew, about David Gillsper, Wilhem Graham and Josh. Also that I suspected that Wilhem Graham had murdered David Gillsper by running him off the road. That Wilhem and Josh had attended medical school together and that Wilhem had some kind of hold over Josh and was involving him in the possible manufacture and sale of illegal drugs. That Josh and David Gillsper knew each other, more than what Josh had let on.
I was afraid for Josh. I didn't know Josh as well as I had thought. I did not reveal this to Evan.
Nor did I tell him that I was pregnant.
"Well last night, Josh met with Graham at the Imperial. They had a few words then left in Graham's Nissan Patrol." You tell me.
I look at you and you turn to me.
"Yes a 4 wheel drive. Possible colour match with the car that ran down David Gillsper. We only have Chris' description to go on. He has no car registered in his name. But you would already know that." You turn and look at me again. Knowing full well that I had already done a LEAP check on Wilhem Graham. You continue, "PJ tracked the car down to OmiPharm, a pharmaceutical research and development company. Graham is listed in their employment records as a sales agent for them. But again you already knew that. . . Why didn't you say something to PJ Tess?" You ask.
"Because I needed to know the truth before I said anything to PJ." I answer.
"PJ could've helped you. I would've helped you. This is not like you."
"Yeah well I've made a few mistakes lately, haven't I." I say bitterly.
Thankfully you say nothing. We drive in silence for a while longer.
You pull the truck over and park then turn to face me. "What happened last night Tess?" You are determined to get an answer.
"I got home and Josh was frantic. I told him Graham had made certain threats to me and if Josh didn't co-operate with him . . well. . . He was beside himself. He was angry and he threw a cup. A piece hit me in the head. He didn't mean it Evan. It was an accident."
You didn't look convinced.
"Does PJ know where they went last night?" I ask quietly.
"No, they left and no one has seen either of them since. PJ has a whereabouts desired on them in question with David Gillsper's death. Nothing so far. Ben and Jo have been on patrol for the morning and not a whisper."
I shiver although I am not cold. I am deeply concerned for Josh. "I'm afraid he will kill him Evan." I say.
"It'll be all right Tess," you reach for my hand. "Graham won't be that stupid, he might think that he can get away with Gillsper's death, but if he kills Josh . . "
"No . . I'm afraid Josh will kill Graham."
You look shocked. "Josh wouldn't . . "
I nod. "He's certainly capable of it . . and God the way he was last night . . I just don't know anymore." I run my hand through my hair, frustration.
"Capable? Why would he though?"
"Very capable."
"Tess?"
"I just . . . oh God . . I can't believe this . ." I close my eyes and lean my head back on the head rest. "I can't do this again . . "
"Tess. Everything will be ok. I promise." You lean over and gently caress my face.
I want to believe you. Really I do. But I am full of apprehension and worry. I search your face for doubt . . but you have none . . no fear . . just certainty.
"Evan . . I . . ahh," I want to say it, part of me needs to say it. But the words don't make it past my lips. "I hope you're right." I manage.
"I am." you say with more confidence. Then you put the car into gear and drive off.
----------
We are back at the Police Station in no time. You herd me through the door. I don't want to be here. Thankfully only the Boss and PJ are around. I knew I had to tell them everything. I couldn't go any further without doing that. There would be an ESD investigation for sure now.
We went into PJ's office and I told the Boss and PJ everything I knew about Josh, Wilhem and David, which really wasn't a lot.
"It's an open investigation now Tess, there isn't a lot I can do about it, the drug squad will descend any time now." PJ informed me, "Ben and Jo are still on patrol." he looks up at the Boss, they nod. "So we might get lucky and find them first."
"Apparently this Wilhem Graham character has been under scrutiny from the Druggies for a while now." The Boss said. "He arrived here the other day, but they didn't feel it was necessary to inform us."
"Typical." Evan rolled his eyes he knew only too well how the drug squad worked.
"Well they are due here at any time . . I am sure they will want to speak to you Sergeant." the boss said, "Why don't you go home until then."
"Ah . . but . . I . . ok." I said. Was there any point in arguing with him? I didn't want to go, I wanted to do some 'research'. I needed to understand more. I also wanted desperately to know what had happened to Josh. But I knew I would have a hard time getting away with it.
Evan followed me out of the office.
"Will you be ok?"
"Yes. And Evan . . thanks." I made my way through the station to the watch house. I let myself in with the keys that were in my jacket pocket.
----------
I needed a shower. I went into the bathroom and took a good look at myself in the mirror. It was ghastly. I looked like Frankenstein. The gash in my forehead was at least 5 cm long, the stiches looked large and there was still bits of blood around the wound. Blood caked in my hair. Ugh. I touched it, probing the edges. Damn but it hurt. Still. I opened the bathroom cupboard and found some strong pain medication. Popped 2 in my mouth and swallowed.
I started the shower and quickly stripped off my clothes. The shower felt good, a cleansing affect. I forgot for a moment the events of the past few days. Felt for a brief moment the stirrings of new life within me. If only things were that simple. Unconditional love. I had never experienced it. I would never let my child go without it. I was going to be everything my mother wasn't it was a vow I made to myself years ago. I meant to keep it. My child would never know the pain of an abusive relationship between parents and child. Would never know hunger, hurt or abandonment. I want my child to have a childhood, and not to have to fend for itself, or take responsibility for siblings, or parents. My child's life will be different from mine.
It's strange, all my life I have always said I didn't want to have children, didn't want to bring them into this world of pain and suffering. But now I find it is the only thing I want. The only thing I can hold on to that is real.
I stepped out of the shower, dried myself and went into the bedroom for some underwear and clean clothes. Slipping into my mooks jeans I once again felt the flutter from within. I smiled. I pulled a blue t-shirt over my head careful not to knock the wound. I checked myself in the mirror again. I had managed to shampoo all of the blood out of my hair, but I still looked pale and frightful. The pills were thankfully kicking in and my headache was easing.
I looked at the bed and thought about lying down in it, but I couldn't, I had to find Josh and make sure he was still alive and hadn't killed anyone.
I went through to the lounge room. My laptop computer was sitting on the kitchen table. I headed straight for it. Noticed the cup that Josh had thrown was still in pieces on the floor. I used the dustpan and broom to sweep up the mess and put it in the bin. While I was there I checked the fridge, and poured myself a glass of orange juice. Had Josh only squeezed that fresh the day before? I found some m & m cookies in the cupboard and chewed on them while waiting for my computer to boot up. It wasn't long before I had logged into the LEAP database. Not a good idea, it would come out in an investigation. But I was beyond caring about that.
I searched for David Gillsper's name, discovered he was involved in the same protest as Wilhem Graham back in 1994. I logged onto the internet and checked the database of students at Melbourne University for the same period as Josh, and there it was, David, Wilhem and Josh, together. Josh was lying about a lot more than I thought. Why? I didn't understand at all.
A general net search of David Gillsper listed him as the author or some grizzly computer games, as well as the publisher of several articles on the subject of CGI in gaming. There were lists of articles. I scanned them briefly. One particular article caught my attention. It involved the trial of a new technology in full body gaming. Reference to a drug was made, a drug that dealt with the higher brain functions. This must be P3-EXT I thought. The article also made vague references to trials taking place. It all seemed rather futuristic to me. But I was not up on the computer technology of today or the gaming world. I needed some help to decipher it. Where would I find that sort of help in Mt Thomas? I had no idea.
What in God's name were they up to? Experimenting on people for gaming purposes? Graham and David concocting a drug to sell to enhance the computer game experience? Josh doing the trials? What? Graham and David having a falling out. How did Josh fit in exactly.
The phone ringing startled me. I grabbed the portable from the couch where I had dropped it last night.
"Tess?"
"Josh? Josh? Is that you? Where are you?"
"Flat gully Road. Widgeree turnoff." The phone disconnected.
Oh God that didn't sound good. It didn't even sound like Josh. I ran to get some socks and shoes on. Threw caution to the wind. I was out the door in a flash, keys in hand and heading straight for my Subaru. I prayed that no one saw me.
----------
I pulled out of the car park so quickly that I nearly backed into the patrol car Ben was driving as he pulled in.
Oh God they saw me. I gave a quick wave as if everything was all right. Jo waved back at me, Ben looked puzzled.
I couldn't worry about them now, I had to get going. I made it to the corner and was about to turn right when I noticed the patrol car behind me. Shit. He wasn't going to follow me was he? Well it might not be such a bad thing. Josh might be in more trouble than I can deal with. Backup. I wished Evan was with me.
I heard something ringing. My mobile phone, with it's incessant yap was going off under my jacket on the seat next to me. So that was where the stupid thing had gotten too. I was always forgetting where I had left it. Waiting for a slow car to pass me so I could enter the T junction; I picked up the phone and looked at the phone number for the station flashing across the screen.
"Tess? Where are you going?" PJ asked when I finally decided to accept the call.
"Milk?" I joked.
"Tess, don't make this hard. Drug squad are on their way. You don't want to get any more involved than you are."
"PJ, I have to." I held the phone away so I could engage first gear.
". . . let them deal with it now"
I sighed. Back to sensible copper mode. I should. But all my instincts tell me not to.
"Flat Gully road, Widgeree turnoff." I said and disconnected the call.
I went through the four gears in 5 seconds flat. Drove like a maniac through the afternoon traffic. I heard a siren in the distance. I was exceeding the speed limit quite blatantly now. The 15 km drive to the Widgeree turnoff taking me less than 7 minutes.
I was a few hundred metres away when I spotted Josh on the side of the road. I slowed to 60kms and looked around. There didn't appear to be anyone else around. I pulled the car up next to him and unlocked the passenger door. Shoving my jacket and phone onto the back seat in the process.
He got into the car. Slammed the door and said, "Go. Tess. Just go."
I looked in the rear vision mirror and saw the patrol car closing in on us. Josh turned and looked behind, "Tess, let's go. NOW."
"But Josh," I said, "It's ok."
"No it's not now go will you." he looked fiercely at me. I once again shot through the gears and had the car cruising at 80kms.
He leaned back into the passenger seat. Exhaustion marring his features. I looked at him for as long as I dared to take my eyes off the road. Who was this man? It was dawning on me that I new nothing about him. And I wasn't sure if I wanted to know.
"Josh are you going to tell me what is going on? Where you have been?"
"No."
"I know what's going on." I say gauging your response.
Josh looks at me. Anger flaring. "What?"
"I know about the drug and the experiments and you and David and Graham."
He laughs, a short bark. "You think you know."
"Tell me then." I insist.
"No." He shakes his head. "I should've never married you." He laughs bitterly.
I am a little stunned.
"It was a mistake for both of us. You don't love me, you're in love with him. And I thought I was in love with you . . but it all just led to trouble." He looks at me, I cannot look at him. He places his hand on my leg. "You see Tess, I think that was my downfall. I thought I was in love with you, and that I could have a normal life with you. But I couldn't." His hand moves up and down my leg. I am uncomfortable.
"And Graham knew it. Knew I could never have anything remotely resembling normal"
My eyes shifted between the road ahead and the rear vision mirror. I watched the patrol car follow at a safe distance. I slowed the car somewhat. 75 kms and slowing.
I was feeling very nervous. I wanted to get away from Josh, yet I was intrigued by his revelation.
"He knew it, and he worked on it. So here's me thinking everything is going to be all right. Got a beautiful wife. Nice job in a nice small town. I'm taking it easy. Settling in. And along he comes to ruin everything."
Still I say nothing. 70 kms.
"Not that it wouldn't have lasted long anyway." He hasn't taken his eyes off me and his hand still works it's way back and forth along my leg. "What with my wife being in love with someone else, not forgetting that she is also pregnant to this other man. Oh yeah my marriage was going somewhere."
We were coming to a t-junction ahead, I downshifted to 3rd gear. Slowed the car to 40kms.
"Go right." He squeezed my leg.
2nd Gear. 30 kms. I started braking. The patrol car close enough that I could see the look on Ben's face, and Jo talking into the microphone.
"Keep going Tess."
Two more patrol cars appeared in front of me on the cross road.
"Keep going Tess. Don't stop. They won't do anything. At least not with you in the car."
I looked at him and for the first time saw evil.
I slowed the Subaru to 20kms.
"Did you kill Graham?" I dare to ask.
Josh laughs.
"No. I didn't. He's still alive. Although I should of. He killed David. He threatened you . . I know what he had on his mind to do to you too, it wasn't nice. You wouldn't have liked it. He told me. His way of keeping me in line."
I shiver. Not sure if I should be thankful or not.
The Subaru at a complete stop at the t-junction now.
"Tess move the car." His grip on my leg tightened.
"Josh why don't we just go home and talk about this." I try to dissuade him. I have no idea what he wants or where he wants to go, but I do not like it.
I scan the scene ahead and behind me. Josh is right. I don't believe they would do anything with me in the car. Ben and Jo are behind me in the patrol car. Evan is in the patrol car to the right of us and two police officers from St Davids are in the patrol car to the left of us. PJ pulls the CI car up next to the patrol car from St Davids. No matter where I go, I know they will all follow me. I see no point to going any further.
"They will follow us Josh." I say, watching him and knowing full well that he will be aware of this fact too, but that whether or not in his current state he will comprehend this.
"That's ok Tess. Move the car." He leans over and kisses me on the mouth. A show for their benefit. He won't hurt me. I sense otherwise.
I put the car in first gear and ease off the clutch and accelerate. The car crawls forward. 15kms. I turn the wheel to the right. 2nd gear. I pass the patrol car with Evan in it. 30kms. Ben follows me. Evan backs his patrol car up as I pass him. I do not look at him. He follows Ben. A convoy, I think to myself and I would laugh if it wasn't me in the situation. We are heading towards Widgeree now. 60kms and going faster.
"What are you doing Josh?" I want to know what his plans are.
"Doing?"
"Yes where are we going? What are you doing and what do you think it will achieve?"
"Well a certain sense of satisfaction I hope." he smiles at me. I merely glance in his direction. I am tired of the games.
"Josh. You might as well tell me now. You've dragged me this far." I turned to him.
He was quick. He hit me. "Oh forgive me Sergeant. I forgot who I was with."
The car swerved to the right. I quickly recovered from the shock. Steered the car back on the right side of the road. I licked my lip and tasted blood. It only succeeded in raising my anger. I had suffered worse than that as a child, I would not put up with it as an adult.
I braked hard and pulled the Subaru over to the shoulder. "Don't ever do that again." I said quietly.
"Drive the fucken car Tess."
"No." I am ignoring his menacing look. I notice that the patrol car with Ben and Jo has shot past me but Evan was quick and managed to stop next to me. Close, but not close enough.
"Drive the car or I will kill you." He states quietly.
I am not sure if I am scared or angry. I make a move for the seat belt and door handle intending on getting out of the car. The door is half way open when he pulls me back in.
"Drive the car or I will kill Evan." He has produced a gun and aims it at Evan's head in the patrol car. I look at him and then at Evan. He means to do it. Who is this man? I close the car door and move the car off the shoulder onto the road.
Safe? Reliable? Comfortable? These were the words I had once used to describe Josh.
"Josh?"
"Shut up for a moment." He rubs his face with his hands. The gun waving about in his hand. "I need to think."
"Yeah. You do. You should think about this Josh."
He said nothing. I was angry and beyond seeing that perhaps pushing him was not a good idea.
----------
We drove for a few kilometres in silence. Too many thoughts swirling around in my head. Where were we going? What had Josh been up to all night? Where the heck had he been?
I looked over at him. He still had his head in his left hand, his right hand in his lap, firmly gripping the gun, his fingers white from the effort. His navy blue trousers slightly soiled at the cuffs, his blue shirt wrinkled, top two buttons undone, tie stuffed in his suit jacket pocket. There was a blood stain on his shirt. A few small leaves from the bushes stuck to his jacket sleeve.
"Drive faster."
"What?"
"Drive faster!" He yelled at me.
"The speed limit is 80kms Josh. To drive any faster would be dangerous. . . " I started to lecture.
"I don't care what the speed limit is. Drive faster." He demanded, "You are so stuck within you're stupid rules Tess. You're rigid. Everything is black and white with you. There's no in-between. . . Well life isn't like that. You can't put things in neat little boxes and expect them to stay there. I thought I liked that about you at first, now I find it confining, suffocating even."
No one likes to be confronted with the truth. And Josh had let rip with his truth. To say I was not hurt would be a lie. My heart pulled at me. I am angry and upset and I feel a sob rise. I would not let him have the satisfaction of seeing me cry. Ever.
"Have you finished?" My anger takes over.
"No! Now drive the god dammed car faster." He aimed the gun in my direction.
I took the threat seriously and accelerated the car to 100kms. The distance between the patrol car and my Subaru increasing fast.
We were coming up to the township of Widgeree. I slowed as we approached the main street.
"Don't slow down."
"Josh it's a 50 zone there are people around."
"Don't slow down Tess." He jabbed me in the ribs with the gun.
I slowed to 70kms and prayed that there would be no one crossing the road or any other cars around.
The sound of the police sirens was loud, they must have caught up to us. Hopefully that would alert anyone around to get out of the way.
Took only a minute to go from one end of main street to the other. I was relieved that we made it through without incident.
I accelerated the car through to 100kms again. The patrol car matching my speed. I knew how fast I could go before they would back off.
"Turn right here."
"What here?"
"Now."
I braked suddenly and made the right turn. I think we went around on two wheels. I saw the patrol car skid behind me before it disappeared from my view. Off we went again, high speed. The high speed didn't bother me for I had been trained to deal with police pursuits. It was however, a strange feeling to be the one being pursued. I had lost sight of any of the patrol cars that were following us for now. I had confidence that they would be behind me in no time.
"Side road on the left."
I turned left as instructed. 2 kms down the road, Josh indicated another left turn. Curiously he seemed to know this area very well.
"Left again."
And we went left, there was an open gate ahead of us. "Drive through." Josh said. I drove through it.
"Park near the shed."
I stopped the car where he asked. He jumped out and told me to come with him. I was of two minds. Do I take off or get out. He left me no choice when he fired the gun at the front tyre of my car. It went down quickly.
"Tess, I said get out."
I got out. He came over to me and led me by the arm into the shed. The sun gleamed off the metallic paint of his 1999 midnight blue SAAB sports sedan.
"Get in. You drive. I need to think." He pressed the button for the alarm and central locking, climbed in, waited for me to get in and tossed the keys at me. I had to move the drivers seat forward a considerable amount.
"Josh. How long is this going to go on for?"
"What?"
"How long? What are we doing? Why? I want to understand. Will you tell me something? Anything?" I face him.
"No. Now drive." It's no good, he ignores me yet again.
I am frustrated and angry, and I don't want to drive anywhere. I just want answers. I put the key in the ignition and turn it. The SAAB purrs to life. I put my seatbelt on, like a responsible driver. I roll my eyes for a brief moment. I am rules orientated.
I put the car in reverse and slowly back out of the shed.
"Go around the back of the shed, and follow the road." He points in the general direction.
The 'road' is a dirt and grass track barely wide enough for the SAAB to get through unscathed. It is surrounded by bush trees on both sides. I make the SAAB skid on the grassy track. The back end hits a tree and I hear the scrape of branches against the paintwork.
"Jesus Tess, what the hell are you doing to my car?"
"It's slippery." I shrug. I am certain that I have left a big enough dent in the track for them to follow. Perhaps some midnight blue paint on the broken branches.
"Just be more careful. This is a 50 thousand dollar car."
He's worried about his car? I laugh.
"It's not funny."
"Oh this whole situation is funny Josh. Very funny." I laugh again. Stupid car. I feel the need to smash the car into the trees and be done with it. I am very tempted.
"Shut up and drive."
We come to the end of the narrow track. It widens and veers right onto a bitumen road. I follow, slowly increasing the speed to 50kms. The SAAB drives like a dream. In any other circumstances I might enjoy the feel of being behind the wheel of such a luxury sports vehicle.
I glance at Josh. He seems more on edge than before, and he fidgets in his seat.
We drive on for another 10 kms, the SAAB cruising at a speed of 150 on the bitumen. From what I can figure out we are at least 40kms west of Mt Thomas. Where we are going I have no idea. The land out this way appeared to be mainly a farming area. I had not been this far past Widgeree in all the time I had lived in Mt Thomas. I could see though that Josh had, and frequently.
"Right turn up ahead." He still had his head in his hands.
Stupidly I indicated before the turn.
The tightening of my brow signalled the quick arrival of another headache. We went on for another 5kms, my headache only getting worse and worse. I rubbed at my eyes, willing it to go away, it didn't. Nor did it help; it only succeeded in giving me blurred vision. I slowed the car. Coming to a near stop.
Josh looked at me sharply. "What are you doing? Why are you stopping?"
"I . . can't . . my head . . ahh." I cradled my aching head in my hands. It was pounding now. My vision blurred completely. I could barely see my hand in front of my face.
Josh pulled the handbrake on the car. Leaned over me and turned the engine off. He got out of the car and after a moment came to the door and opened it. He shepherded me around the other side to the passenger seat and sat me down.
"Wait here."
Where did he think I was going to go? He came back with his medical bag. The pounding in my head was like a relentless jackhammer. He pulled my hands away from my eyes and shined his pen light in both of them. Mumbled something. Fiddled in his bag for a bit and then came out with a syringe.
He grabbed a hold of my arm and was about to jab me with the needle when I pulled away.
"What are you doing?" I ask alarmed.
"It's just a mild sedative. It will help."
"No!" I struggle with him weakly. It was no good, he was far stronger than I and in no time I feel the needle go in.
"It wont hurt you Tess . . just a little prick . .," I heard him laugh, "relax . . "
I didn't hear much after that, the sedative was quick and I was swallowed by the blackness.
----------
I heard feint movement noises and talking. I was cold, I shivered. I was lying on my side on something soft. I tested my eyes by opening them a smidgen, the light was dim. I opened them a little more, my headache all but gone.
My mind felt sluggish and my body heavy, I waited for my eyes to adjust to the surroundings. I was in what looked like a bedroom. Bare bones. The room had a high ceiling with an old fashioned fan and light combination. The fan was turning in slow circles. The breeze only just reaching me. There was an orange covered chair with wooden arm rests in the corner, a few clothes strewn across it. A tall lamp in the other corner.
I breathed deeply.
I could hear their voices clearer now, they seemed to be having an argument.
". . you worry to much Josh . . "
"Well you're not the one who's going to get kicked off the register."
"Too late to start worrying about that now. You're in way over your head."
"Yeah no thanks to you."
"You had a choice Josh ol man."
"Choice! I had no choice! You made sure of that!" Josh's anger was intensifying.
"No one forced that needle in your arm but you. Live with that."
I heard the sound of heavy footsteps approaching. A door slammed somewhere.
I lay still on the bed. Staring at the ceiling fan.
The footsteps kept coming, softer now, and I knew he was in the room with me.
He stood in front of me for a moment then sat on the edge of the bed.
"Awake now sleeping beauty?" Wilhem Graham brushed my arm with his hand as he moved it to the side of me.
I can barely look at him. I feel ill.
"What's going on?" I ask anyway.
"Well," he picked up a strand of my hair and held it between his fingers. "I'm up for a little bit of fun. How about you?"
I pushed his hand away from me. Made an attempt to sit up. He held me down, his right hand firmly on my shoulder his left gripped around my wrist.
"Get off me." I say through gritted teeth.
"Play nice Tess." His hold on me does not falter.
It is useless to struggle although that is all I want to do, he is far stronger than I am. We stare at each other, determination meeting head on. I think about poking his eye out for a brief moment.
"If you relax, you might enjoy it." He leers grotesquely at me. I want to throw up.
His hand moves slowly from my shoulder, hovers around my breast, he touches me lightly, then squeezes hard.
I turn my head, revolted by his touch. I look back at him though, not wanting him to get pleasure from my distaste. I lift my chin slightly and say, "You don't want to do this."
"Oh I most certainly do." His hand moves quickly and is under my t-shirt in no time, like an expert his hand has found the front clasp of my bra and he is touching my bare flesh. I shudder.
I bring my hand up to halt his movement. Again it is useless.
"Don't fight me on this Tess . . I always get what I want." He grabbed my arm and savagely shoved it underneath me. I could barely move. He had me pinned to the bed now.
He shoved my t-shirt up and exposed my body to the stale air.
This was not going to happen. I wouldn't allow it. Where the hell was Josh? Futile as it was, I struggled again.
He laughed at me, "You're so feisty. I love that."
I looked at the door, willing Josh to appear.
Wilhem sensed my thoughts. "Oh don't worry . . Josh wont interrupt us, he's gone off in a huff. We've got plenty of time." He laughed some more.
I could have cried.
His hands moved down to the top of my jeans, he licked his lips and undid the buttons one by one.
This was about all I could stand. "JOSH" I screamed. I kicked at him. Managed to pull my arm out and whacked at him. "JOSH!" Whatever trouble Josh was in, I knew he wouldn't let this happen to me.
Wilhem was surprised enough that he let lose his grip on me, I scrambled away from him across the bed. He recovered quickly and was on top of me in no time.
I continued to scream for Josh. Where the fuck was he? I screamed louder. Kicked at Wilhem some more.
He laughed like a maniac. It was only making him more excited.
I pushed him away with all my strength. I screamed again for Josh. What I really wanted was for Evan to take this nightmare away. I started to panic.
I felt myself being pulled away from him. Josh had me by the arms and before I knew what was happening I was flat on the floor.
"Jesus Fucken Christ Wil!" Josh yelled.
I didn't see the first move Josh made on Wilhem, I hid my head in my hands, I didn't want to see. But I heard Wilhem cry out in pain. Silently I cheered for Josh. I should get up, but I am too stunned to move. I need to get as far away as possible. Leave. Move. Go. But I can't. Still I avert my eyes to the beating Josh is giving Wilhem.
A moment later and Josh is bending over me. He is talking to me, but I don't comprehend anything he is saying. He is breathing heavy and yelling at me. My hands are still covering my head and he pulls them away. I am forced to look at him.
"Tess? Come on." Josh pulls me up from the floor. I struggle against his hold.
Then I hear a sound that disturbs me. I turn but it is too late. Josh is propelled forward by the force. We fall to the floor. My arm starts to sting, and I desperately drag myself out from under Josh. There is blood all over both of us, it is draining fast from Josh's chest.
Don't panic. Apply pressure. I look at my hands as they push hard against his chest. More blood gushes. Josh gasps for breath. I push harder. I feel the blood pulsate beneath my hands. His chest rises and falls in jerking spasms.
"Josh? Josh!" I yell.
His eyes open and look at me. His mouth moves, but no sound comes out. I lean in closer, hoping he will tell me how to keep him alive.
"I'm sorry Tess." I hear him whisper between choking gasps.
"Josh! No. No. Noooo."
My hands are still firmly pressing on his chest. But it no longer moves. There is nothing. No rise. No fall. Nothing.
"Josh." I push harder. A small spurt of blood adds itself to the pool beneath us. Nothing more.
I remove my hands from his chest. Sit back against the wall and look at his glassy eyes as they stare at me. A dead stare. I can not look away.
I don't know how much time passes as I sit there staring at my dead husband. I am still sitting, staring at him when PJ, Ben and Evan find me. They are talking to me but I don't hear them.
I feel completely numb. Removed from the events that have taken place. Time and space has no meaning. And although I am no longer sitting on that blood soaked spot on the floor, I still feel it beneath me. Feel the warm sticky pool of blood that my hand rested in. See Josh staring at me. I still see the life leave him.
More people are talking to me. I sense them. Hear them even. But I can not communicate with them. I can not exchange anything with them. I have no words. I am lost. I am losing sensation. I softly rub my fingers together in an attempt to gain some sense of feeling. It does not help any. I feel nothing.
I am taken by ambulance to the hospital. I do not recognise my surroundings. I do not recognise any of the doctors or nurses that come in and out of the room I am laying in. I do not recognise anyone. I do not even recognise Evan. All I see in front of me is the blood. I rub my fingers together constantly. No feeling. But blood.
I close my eyes. It does not help. Instead of blackness there is blood. I sleep but still I rub my fingers together.
I am unaware of how much time has passed. I think perhaps it has been days. I am still having difficulty comprehending what is going on around me. The feeling has not returned to me and I fear that it never will. My sight is still blurred by the blood. But I begin to see through it slowly.
"Evan?" I hear myself for the first time in days.
"Tess?" You rise from the chair you are sitting in beside the bed. My hand resting lightly in yours. "Thought you would never come back to me."
There are tears in your eyes.
"Come back? Where have I been?" I ask.
"I dunnow." You laugh.
My vision swims for a moment and I see Josh lying in a pool of blood his eyes staring at me. Your face goes blurry and I realise that it's because tears are spilling from my eyes at a fast pace.
Quickly you have me in a tight embrace and I cry into your chest.
"He's dead. Isn't he."
"Josh is dead." You say as you stroke my back.
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I lay alone in my room.
From the corner of my eye I could see the sway of the curtains in the summer breeze. A soft movement that kept time with the slow beat of my heart.
I hear footsteps. You approach me softly. I breath deeply, your scent lingers around me.
You lay behind me on the bed and I turn to face you. I look deeply into your eyes and trace the contours of your freckle covered lips with the tips of my fingers. I feel your breath, warm and sweet. You smile at me. I smile back.
I place my lips softly on yours. A tender kiss. I lick my lips as I pull back, savouring the small taste of you.
"I love you Evan."
You look at me as if you see me for the first time. I have always liked the way you do that. It gives me the chance to feel as though I can erase the mistakes I have made with you.
I turn away and watch the curtains once again move to that slow beat. I do not want to think about the mistakes I have made.
Instead I think about the passion within you, the fire that drives you. And how I have been guided over time by the gentle sway of fire.
---------------- the end