She was being driven crazy.
That had to be it. She was crazy. Being held captive like this was making her insane. His ideals were getting to her head, the idea that he was going to use her for the very plot he had in store for her.
Oh, she knew. She knew what he was planning. She knew what he was using her for. He'd been planning this for years. Even still, however, Estelle couldn't bring herself to hate him.
She wanted to. Oh, how she longed to have a burning hatred of this man, the very man who, with the help of someone she considered a trusted friend and confidante, had taken her captive, trapped her in something akin to a bubble, and intended to use her to gain the power he so wanted. But when all of the commotion died down, and she was allowed time to think for herself, despite the pleading for him to end his madness, despite the crying for the creature she had killed with the power she held within her, despite all of the damage he had caused, the damage he was going to cause … she found that she couldn't hate him.
Perhaps it was because she was such a kind soul. It was common knowledge at this point that Princess Estellise was one of the sweetest people in Terca Lumireis; however, Estelle doubted herself. Yes, it could be because she was naturally kind. But the treatment he had given her was more than enough to make even the nicest of people give into their internal monsters and find themselves hating the person who had done it.
No, there was something more. And she couldn't explain it.
And it scared her.
It scared her.
Estelle couldn't curl up. She couldn't lay on her side. She couldn't sleep, and wasn't given much to eat, if anything at all. She felt so weak, and yet knew how powerful she truly was. More than that, however, she knew how much power he had over her. And despite this, despite how he mistreated her, kept her alive only for the sake of his own gain … Estelle couldn't hate him.
It frightened her so much she wanted to die.
She felt like a horrible person. She felt as though she were hurting the world (which, she was), and hurting the people she cared about (which, she was; but that wasn't her fault, and they knew that). She felt as though she were hurting herself (which, he was) . And she felt as if she wanted to hurt herself (which, she did).
A door opened. He walked in. Estelle opened her eyes, unable to help but want to catch a glimpse of him. There he was, standing tall. Proud. Shoulders squared, posture straight. He looked as any good commandant rightfully should, even despite the things he'd done, and was planning to do.
She admired him for a few moments … and felt frightened once more. He looked at her, a gaze cold, and almost psychotic … and he smiled. He smiled at her. She'd almost smiled in return, but she stopped herself; it wouldn't have mattered anyway, as he'd turned back to gaze out the window.
"Soon, Princess. Soon." Estelle closed her eyes again. She couldn't stand the sick feeling she suddenly had in her stomach … or was that a good feeling? Or maybe it was hunger. She hadn't eaten in a while … it must have been hunger, she decided.
"Are you happy, Alexei?" She asked quietly. She'd asked this so many times.
"Are you happy with what you're doing? Are you really, truly happy?"
He chuckled.
"Foolish girl, this world needs leadership. And this world needs a true leader to guide it." He looked over to her, that same smile upon his face. Always a smile. Never a smirk, or a grin. Always a smile.
"I am the best suited for this role, wouldn't you agree?"
Estelle breathed in. She let it out.
"There are … better ways of gaining what you want." His smile fell slightly, and he turned his attention back to the window, a deadpan, sunken look gracing his features. Estelle couldn't see it. She chose not to.
"Now, Princess Estellise. This world needs their order now. I need this power now." She fell silent, and Alexei knew his point had been made. He gave another chuckle, turning and briskly walking to her, putting a hand up near the bubble, but not touching it by any means.
"You're very useful."
"I know."
"Your usefulness will soon run out."
"I-I … I'm aware."
"And then, your fate …"
"Kill me."
Alexei stepped back, eyeing the captured princess with a disapproving look. Estelle took in a shaking breath, opening her eyes; they were welling with tears.
"Kill me," she repeated. Alexei grunted, turning and walking toward the door.
"I'm afraid that's not part of the plan, Estellise," he said before slipping out, leaving Estelle alone, and silenced once more. She closed her eyes again, small whimpers emitting from her throat as she thought about it more.
He was so cruel to her. He hurt her. He starved her. And he used her.
And yet … she couldn't hate him.
She couldn't understand this.
It made her long for death even more.
Oct. 6, 2009