October 6th, 3:13 A.M.
Joy.
Sometimes I just can't stand it. It truly, whole-heartedly twists me up from the inside, out. And I know that it shouldn't, because it's a thing I'm also completely in awe with. I don't understand… How can I cherish something I hate, all at the same time?
When did it even start? Oh, I don't know… Five years ago? Maybe less, maybe more. I've lost track of time. It was a slow process. But it's beginning to pick up the pace now.
His birthday was two weeks ago from today. He seemed pretty down on himself. I took him out to lunch and paid for the first time, and that seemed to bring a smile to his face. Yet it makes me wonder if he really does enjoy his life - getting older depresses him, and he's still too young to drink up to that emotional baggage. Work tires him out more than the average person, and he does it anyway because people depend on him. He has a lot of heart, but not nearly enough soul to let it all out. Sometimes I think society is laughing at such a twisted man. His own life seems to work against his very being. And whether or not he's in love with anyone, well, I'm sure it'd be just as much of a problem as his own work-ethic. So how does a guy like him get any joy out of his life?
Yesterday evening, after a quick dinner, he put his hand on my shoulder and looked me in the eye. It made me all tongue-twisted, which never happens to me. But the look in his eye had me stuttering for something to say, and, for some strange reason, I felt the urge to compliment him on his sloppy hairdo. But, like hell the words wouldn't come out, and I sort of gurgled out a mixture of 'nice hair' and 'thanks, I had a great time tonight.' How embarrassing…
My stomach gave that uncomfortable drop-to-your-knees sensation when his solemn face turned slightly red with a huge smile. That was when he told me that he wanted to take me someplace different tonight, a place "that I go to when I turn a year older." Of course, my imagination began to run wild - what kind of place was he about to take me to? And trust Shikamaru to be the only guy in the world who visited a spot once out of the whole year. I followed him, of course.
It was a bridge that stacked its way across the small stream. You know, the one that runs through the lower half of Konoha, stops by the flower shop and eventually runs by the hot baths… But apparently this bridge wasn't used too often, and the late-night pedestrian traffic was pretty slim to nothing when we took a seat at the edge of the wood and began to watch the water below.
He was pretty quiet for a while. He'd point out a few different breeds of fish that swam by, but he and I both knew that I wouldn't remember what any of them were called by tomorrow morning. So I found myself watching him intently, wondering what he thought about as he sat here by himself, year after year… Then I thought to myself, 'I must be pretty special to be brought to a place that only he knew about, and on a day he normally never came.' It's making my stomach churn right now just thinking about how pink my cheeks must've turned.
Part of me wondered if he came here to cry. Was he the type to cry on his birthdays? Heck no. But I won't ever doubt Shikamaru of the unordinary ever again, because what he began to tell me about himself changed my whole outlook.
He started off with a soft sigh and began to ask me a very pointed question. "Temari, what is it in this world that gives you the most joy?"
I had to think really hard about it, and that surprised me. Have you ever sat down and given it special consideration? If not, do it - if you're anything like me, you'll have to put real effort into it, because when you have so much responsibility, priorities in your life begin to shift, and… Well… The joy might get sapped from your life.
This sounds so girly, but when I looked at Shikamaru after some hard thinking, I couldn't give him a real enough answer. The most embarrassing part is, though… The only answer I could think of was to tell him that his company was the best thing I had going for me lately. But how is a woman like me supposed to tell that to a younger man like him? So I kept my mouth shut… Now I'm beginning to regret it…
What he told me though… I can't begin to describe the feelings it made me feel.
How did he say it, exactly?
"What gives me the greatest joy in this world… The grass. I like to lay in it when I watch the clouds and the stars. The moon, because it's so lazy that it likes to steal from the sun, but the sun doesn't mind it so much. The cold weather… I wake up in the morning, and it's like a burst of energy.
"And I like babies. They love to smile at the simplest things and know nothing except the wonders of the big world around their blurry eyes. They don't understand it, but they smile anyways."
His face beamed. I could only wish I understood what he was thinking.
"I love warm sand. I think about each little grain and imagine where it came from, how long its endured on this earth, and I enjoy it when my toes sink into it."
He said a lot more to me, but I know I'll never forget it. He mentioned stuff I never considered before. He also talked about things I shared an interest in.
And this was the night I realized something about Shikamaru. His life is like a constant merry-go-round, where he's forced to run in a circle at a pace that's chosen for him. But that doesn't mean he wasn't fit for a life like that. Because a man like him knows how to find joy in almost any simple thing, and that's what keeps him going. I greatly admire his joy.
October 9th, 11:11 P.M.
Peace.
Shikamaru took me somewhere new again. Today, as we sat underneath this beautiful cherry tree, he grabbed my hand and explained to me slowly that there were many mistakes he had made in the past, and that it took everything in him to overcome these mistakes. We got on this conversation so suddenly that it made me worried. I had this strange feeling that he was about to leave me and go somewhere far, far away, for a very long time. And I'm not about to pretend that I was okay with that.
My other hand enveloped his empty one and my face silently probed for some answers. He continued right away as if he sensed that.
"I just want to show you something I usually go to alone," he told me, taking my hand to lead me across a meadow clearing. As I walked I stared into the distance to see a large granite pillar, surrounded by gravestones. And then my hand grew clammy. I knew exactly where he was taking me.
He brought me to the stone pillar. There were hundreds of names inscribed into it, and they were all the names of people who had something in common. They were men and women who had given their lives for their village in combat. Most likely they died in some sad, tragic way…
He kept my hand and we stood there together in silence. I glanced at him because I couldn't find the name I was looking for, and I knew that was the one he had picked out. Sure enough, when I followed his gazed, I found it. It was neatly carved in its own row, in bold letters.
Sarutobi Asuma.
I know it was nowhere near close in time, but whenever I see Shikamaru remotely sad, I think of that day we sat in the hospital together, waiting in dread for the news about his friends. Whether they would live, or die. I saw him cry for the first time, and I'll never forget how it made me feel. And seeing Shikaku, his father, talk to him the way he did… I know it was meant to be encouraging to someone like Shikamaru, but my heart ached along with him. Every last second of that day was spent in complete remorse. We mourned together, though to this day I still wish I had been closer to him then as I am now. Because I had mourned with him silently and to myself. I'd do anything to change that now.
I wondered what he was feeling now as we stood there. How often did he visit his mentor's grave? Probably every other day. And up until now he'd do it all by himself, to wallow in quiet grief.
I looked up at his face, feeling my eyes begin to water. Damn myself for it, too, I still can't believe I began to cry. But even being a Shinobi, in a world completely uncertain and cold, it was impossible to hold composure when you thought that your most precious person was suffering somehow. Thank goodness he understood that.
He squeezed my hand, a smile on his face as he let me dry my eyes with the least amount of degradation as possible. What I just can't believe is how he began to speak to me with such a gentle voice.
"You know, I've cried for days over so many deaths. One reason I hate my birthday is because I know it's just another year of loss and worry… No matter how hard I try, all of us are going to die someday, somehow. The best I can do is to make sure that all of my friends die in their sleep, old and happy. I'll always use whatever skills or talents I have to make sure of that."
Aren't they such beautiful words? And to come from a man who I once thought of as bland. I began to tremble, and he must've felt it as he held my hand, because he let go of it and instead wrapped his arm around my shoulder.
"But isn't hard to let go?" I dared to ask, looking up at him with watery eyes. I, too, had lost my mentor, so I knew he understood exactly why I asked such a brave question.
I'll never forget the way he lifted his face into the sunshine streaming from above, his eyes glistening with memories and some strange wisdom beyond his years.
"No. It's not hard at all. I've made peace with it. The past is just a troublesome timeline that can either ruin you or make you stronger. I've learned to use it as I'm growing each and every day. So, Temari, never give up your past, but let yourself go. You'll find yourself smiling."
My arm found its way across his waist, and I really was smiling.
October 11th, 11:54 P.M.
Kindness.
Shikamaru bought me a wonderful gift today. He had it delivered to my door and wrapped up in this polka dot paper. When I opened the door to my guest house this morning, it was just sitting there, with a card attached to the string of the pretty black bag.
I couldn't help but find myself looking around outside, wondering how long it had been sitting here, nor could I hide the pleasant smile that had placed itself on my face. Hopefully no one saw my dimples. How embarrassing.
I grabbed the bag and brought it inside, of course. But, for some strange reason, I took my time before opening it up to look inside. I don't really fully understand why. But I don't regret it in the least bit, because as I sat there staring at the gift sitting on the countertop, I was chuckling to myself and holding my chin in my hands, enjoying the feeling that tickled at my belly for minutes on end.
Call me crazy. But you might do the same thing, too, when your precious person sends you a gift at such a random moment.
Finally, I caved. Grabbing handfuls of the paper within my palms, I let them flutter about the kitchen in a flurry. Why not add some excitement to it?
I finally reached the bottom, and my fingers laced around cold metal. I realized what it was when I lifted it up and revealed a corner of it.
It was a beautiful silver picture frame. I'm pretty sure it's stainless steel, but I was so caught up that I forgot to double check that. Anyway, it was smooth and had pretty patterns in the center on every side. They were of feathers, draped across each other as though they were all floating away in different directions. It had several different compartments for pictures, and most of them he had already filled. The one that really sticks out in my mind is of the one of us both dressed up in our best clothes, arms linked through one another. We were at Gaara's wedding. We weren't exactly there was a date, but… Our relationship is a long story, after all.
He also left me a card. Inside, it read something quite beautiful, "My Dear Girl Temari, don't let your memories fly away. Keep them safe. Thank you for being there for me everyday and putting up with my troublesome personality. I hope my flightiness never brings you down. Love, Your Best Shikamaru."
This little event just proves to me that I know the kindest man on this planet.
October 16th, 9:57 P.M.
Goodness.
Would you be surprised if I told you that Shikamaru has been in the hospital for the last three days? Oh yes, he got himself banged up pretty good. I've been at his side most of the time, except when he began to tease me about how smelly I had gotten. So now I'm back at the house, just taking a moment to write. Boy, what am I going to do with that man?!
Still, I can't help but feel guilty for every second I spend away from his bedside. He's sitting there in that room all lonely right now. Sure, all of our friends visited him in the beginning, but this month has been busy. The visits were short and have all but almost completely ceased. So I feel obligated to keep him company. I think he deserves a parade, anyway, for what he did.
A toddler had wandered out of the boundaries of Konoha. The only explanation is that he managed to get past the guard posts at the entrance of the gates, and God only knows why he wasn't caught right there on the spot. Let's just say Tsunade permanently dismissed everybody who was on duty that afternoon.
She sent out squads to find him, of course. It didn't take long for squad one, Shikamaru and Pakkun (Kakashi's summoning dog), to find the child out there in the woods. Shikamaru said he immediately sent Pakkun back to Tsunade to let her know of the child's location, and he picked up the kid and headed back for home.
He commented on how surprised he was that the child had ventured so far only to lose courage when he did. He had gone a long distance out there in the wilderness and broke down where he was to cry.
Shikamaru then said that while he was walking, he suddenly felt a presence nearby. So it was a good thing he was able to dodge that first attack, a kunai that fell just beyond his feet. Who knows what would have happened if he hadn't been on his guard…
He was attacked by three men in masks. They all wore Sound headbands, apparently. Which didn't surprise Tsunade or any of the elders; Konoha is having a lot of tension with is neighbors these days. But with the child in his protective arms, Shikamaru knew he was in a very bad situation, and tried the best he could to first try and escape from the enemy ninja instead of fighting. But these Shinobi knew that he had Shikamaru cornered and vulnerable, and began to beat him up bad with overwhelming frontal attacks. With the crying child in his arms, it was impossible to try and do any complicated ninjutsu, and he didn't dare put the child down. They'd simply use him against Shikamaru.
He and the child were tossed around for a few minutes while Shikamaru held out, until backup arrived. It was Neji's squad, with Shino and Hinata.
I have to give them a lot of my thanks. I might be Shikamaru-less right now, even though the chances of that were pretty slim. If he hadn't been protecting a toddler, he would've whipped something good, but, well… Sometimes I think he's just too good of a man for his own good. You could trust Nara Shikamaru with your life. And I do!
October 23rd, 5:05 A.M.
Mildness.
I have been tossing and turning in my sleep. Tonight I have insomnia. I don't usually… But I know exactly why…
I sort of yelled at Shikamaru earlier. And I feel terrible about it. He did absolutely nothing wrong, and I was a total jerk to him. How could I be after all that's happened lately?
I guess I just lost my temper. I was moody today. Girls get like that sometimes, you know? Moody for absolutely no valid reason whatsoever. I wasn't even PMSing!
We were in a quick training session together. Nothing wrong with a couple of adults play-fighting, right?
But, as usual, I was losing to him. If I had my fan I might've won, but it was Taijutsu and it's just not my prodigy. So frustration was starting to pent up inside of me every time one of his blows landed on my face. They were obviously holding back most of his strength, too, which made me angrier. Now I realize it was at myself, however; I was simply irritated that I was weak and slow enough to be taken down by Shikamaru's not so serious hits. I have much to work on, and I'm not used to it…
So when at last I ended up in the dust, panting heavily and worn out, Shikamaru had offered his hand to me and I plainly rejected, choosing to lie on the ground of my own accord. Like a little sulking baby. He began to smile at me. The smile that I normally cherished actually got to me today, and I gave him a dirty look. He pretended to ignore it.
Gently, he spoke to me, "Temari, you'll get the hang of this soon. You'll surpass me in no time, actually."
That's when I got really upset and stood up off the ground. Venomously, my arms reached out and pushed on his chest, throwing him backwards a foot or two.
"Why do you always have to pretend? You're driving me crazy! Bastard! Baka!"
I caught a glimpse of his face before I turned to stalk off somewhere. He was completely emotionless aside from the sparkle in his eyes. I won't forget it. I know exactly what that sparkle was, too.
Shikamaru is so mild tempered these days that he's almost become bland! Ha! Poor guy… I really do feel bad…
Tomorrow he gets a big apology for sure.
October 26th, 8:02 P.M.
Faith.
Guess who had their baby today? Ino and Chouji! And she's absolutely precious. I'm very, very happy for them. Shikamaru is thrilled, as well. I can tell he's going to want a lot to do with that baby. It must be weird for him, too… I mean, Ino and Chouji are his old teammates. His best friends. I know it'd be weird for me. If Shikamaru ever has his own child… Ahh, I won't go there…
I got to hold her today. She was an hour old. Ino looked pooped out. Chouji was pretty tired, too. She was born at four in the morning, after all. And it's only going to get more exhausting for them from here on out.
They named her Ichigo, which I think is an awfully pretty name. Shikamaru liked it, too.
Watching Shikamaru hold a newborn, her tiny butt easily fitting his palm and her head gently resting on his other, was something precious to me. He stroked her rosy cheek and watched the chubby face with a tenderness I have never seen in him before.
Half an hour later, as we were walking just as sunset was breaking the horizon, I looked over at him curiously.
"Ever consider having a baby of your own?"
Still can't believe I asked that… But, I'm glad I did because he answered me.
At first it was a laugh. A very hearty laugh. It made me grin, too, and my cheeks burn a little bit. But when he got his composure back, he admitted, "Wow, I can't believe there's still a lot you don't know about me. I want a little girl of my own, but I'd have to make the baby first, of course… And I can't imagine anybody who'd want to make a baby with me. Guess I'll just stick to raising other people's kids."
He looked away and we started walking again. There were things I would have liked to have said to him at the moment, but they were pretty deep, so I kept my mouth shut.
(Oh, Shikamaru… You're wrong. There's plenty of women with their eye on you!)
Then, after a few moments, I decided I might as well venture a little further.
"You'd make a wonderful father, though, you know," I said all meekly. He looked over at me and gave me yet another strange look I hadn't seen before.
"You think so?" he asked me.
I just smiled at him, and that's when he turned his face back towards the path in front of us. I heard him sigh, and we stopped in our tracks like before.
"Konoha is growing so much bigger," he commented, scratching the back of his head. Poor guy, he was probably so tired this morning. But then again, a lot of us were. Ino had started having contractions at one-thirty in the morning.
I wondered what he was getting at, and I got the feeling that he wanted me to probe.
"Bigger is better, right?"
"Of course it is," he said with a grin. "With my generation having babies now, Konoha's future is a bright one."
I stared ahead into the trees, listening to the songs of the early birds.
"You have no fear of the future, do you?" I found myself asking, my eyes soft and, likely, full of wonderment.
He glanced over at me, laced his fingers through mine in that weirdly casual way we had, and began to walk again.
"It's not that I don't have fear. It's simply that I have faith," he breathed through the nippy morning air.
For the rest of the day, I just haven't stopped thinking about what a great man Shikamaru really is. What good quality does he really lack? I'm beginning to see beyond the surface of my best friend. And how could I not like what I'm seeing?
October 30th, 5:09 P.M.
Long-suffering.
I can barely write… But I just have to let it all out… It's a dreadful feeling. Absolutely dreadful. Good things have been happening lately. Such good things. And now that this horrifying thing has happened, how can I even breathe?
Ino's baby is dead. Ichigo is dead. She died in her sleep around five this morning. They couldn't revive her. It was like Sudden Infant Death Syndrome; I've heard of it before. It's rare but it happens, and it's unexplainable. And that's what happened to our precious Ichigo!
I cannot write down any words that can begin to depict the sorrow I am feeling right now. I have been crying since the news came to me, as Tenten came pounding on my door around five-thirty.
"You have to come with me," she had said. The urgency of her tone had me following her in my pajamas. She brought me to the hospital, where a crowd of our old friends were gathered in the waiting room. Tsunade wasn't letting anyone inside yet. Ino was in hysterics and Chouji was doing his best to keep her calm. The poor guy…
And that was when I looked around the room for one particular person. My tired, puffy eyes traveled across each face, each hairdo, each slouch. And I couldn't find him. My heart sunk real low and suddenly the room was starting to spin, it seemed. In a quiet daze, I looked up and watched as Tsunade made long strides across the room. A moment too late, it registered in my brain that she was standing in front of me.
"Temari," she said, in that soft but stern way she had. Her hand was on my shoulder and I blinked back tears.
"You're looking for Shikamaru, right? Please go find him. He left a few minutes ago and I'm worried about him. He has lost a lot already."
I remember right now just how much the words stabbed at my heart. I turned and began to head for the doors, almost running through the crowd. I had heard Tenten call after me but I don't know what she said. I ignored her anyway. Sorry, Tenten..
I tried the bridge first. He wasn't there, and that had taken me ten minutes to run to. Huffing and puffing for breath, I ran through my head all of his favorite places, and the memorial pillar crossed my mind. Would he go there to mourn this new loss alongside of Asuma's memory? It was worth a shot. So I ran all the way there, too.
I stepped through the dew-filled clearing, and fresh tears began to pour from my eyes. Even from where I was, I could see the granite tombstone was alone. Shikamaru wasn't there. Still, I walked towards it and let myself collapse, leaning against it as I began to sob.
At this point, I wasn't sure what I was crying for anymore. Ichigo? Ino and Chouji? Shikamaru…?
The sun still hadn't risen yet and what little sunlight there was made it barely warm enough for fifty-five degrees. I began to shiver as I cried, alone. I still can't believe I gave up searching for Shikamaru so easily…
I hadn't sat there for very long when I heard a voice above me. One I recognized right away.
"I'm here."
I looked up in desperation. I know what I must've looked like… For a split moment, I could do nothing but stare at his own moist face, my eyes probably pleading for his embrace. Because when neither of us moved an inch, I suddenly threw my arms out towards him, like a toddler asking for her mother's hug.
His arms swept me against him real tight, and he held me like the child I was acting like. My arms clinging to his neck, I buried my face against his clothes. He sat back against the pillar with me on his lap.
"I'm so sorry," I choked out.
I still wept, but, I know it's rather selfish of me to say so, but now that he was the one to have me in his arms, I felt that much better. Something about his soothing presence is enough to calm me if but for a moment.
I felt his fingers begin to stroke my stringy hair.
"Why are you apologizing to me, my dear girl Temari?" His voice was calm and comforting.
I took my face out of his vest and looked up at him. And what I said… It really came from my heart. I hope he knows that.
"Nothing ever goes right for you, Shikamaru," I wailed. "When you have faith, the world tries to break you of it! When you try to give someone advice it snaps back in your face, or when you try to do something good for the world, you get hurt for it. And when you want something so badly…" My face found its way back against his chest. "…You lose it."
I don't remember exactly how long it took for him to answer me. The memory of our moment is already blurred. There was just so much emotion that it almost clouded me. And yet, here am I, writing about how my best guy was the one to bring me back to reality.
I know he was probably smiling as he said it.
"When I have faith, the world tries to break me of it, but do I ever lose it? When, for once, I'm doing something good with myself, do I ever regret my own decisions? As for advice… Are you talking about when you got upset with me a few days ago? I suppose I should let you know, then, that I just adore your face when you're angry. Don't ever apologize to me if we have a small fight… You just don't realize that I enjoy it more than you could ever know.
"As for getting what I want…"
His fingers inched underneath my chin and lifted up my face. A good feeling overcame me when his lips pressed against the tip of my nose.
"That is simply something we all have to face in this life, Temari. Sure… There are things I want…"
I know I heard him inhale a deep, steady breath then and there.
"But no matter what happens, as long as I have you somewhere nearby in my day to day life, I will find the strength to keep enduring the troublesome pain of loss. I will still have joy in my life. I will still be at peace with myself. I will always have faith in our future. Just remember that when you're trying to feel sorry for me."
The memory of today still makes me cry… All of it.
Today, the death of infant Ichigo taught me something new about Shikamaru. He's not nearly as perfect as I've imagined him all this time. But we share something special that I am eternally grateful for. Together we will suffer much, suffer hard, and suffer long.
And I'm okay with it. S'long as I have his touch…
November 1st, 1:30 A.M.
Self-control.
Something happened… Today… Or was it yesterday by now? I guess it's not the 31st anymore…
I'm in such a strange daze. I know something serious happened just an hour ago. Maybe something that shouldn't have happened. I'm confused, and yet, I'm wondering if I should be happy. Is that guilt I feel?
Shikamaru and I were together all day because it was the day after Ichigo's death, and we just needed each other… It was fine all day. We spent a lot of time with the mourning parents. They are taking it hard. Of course they are, though. Tsunade and her medical team are going to conduct an autopsy on the body, just to confirm the cause of death. But we all know that they won't find anything… She was healthy at birth and just died in her sleep…
When we finally left our friends, Shikamaru took me to my own place to cook me a fresh dinner. I never knew he could cook… It made me happy. And I know he brought me to my house just to make me more comfortable. I've been crying almost all day. It's hard not too. He cried, too, but I know he was trying to be strong for my sake.
So… When we were done eating… We sat in dim lighting, on a comfortable couch in the living. It's next to a window. The stars were out and shining.
We talked to each other for a while, about anything. We wondered together what else we could do for Ino and Chouji, and nothing came to mind. We talked about which one of her parents Ichigo had looked like the most. And then we began to talk about what we would want for our own children, what names the both of us liked and disliked.
I said I liked the name Teshinn for a girl, and Shikataru for a boy. Shikamaru really seemed to like that.
"Why Shikataru?" he had asked, a toothy smile on his face.
I blushed, and found myself looking down at the floor sheepishly. Wasn't it obvious? Did I have to explain? But, yes, he made me.
"It represents us. What we have together. A friendship that the world can't destroy."
Of course, I knew that at this point, I was never going to find someone who would give me the child I was thinking of. Who'd want to marry a woman who was going to name her firstborn son after her best man? Which wouldn't be him at all. I'd have to be alone forever if I was to keep this relationship to Shikamaru. Which is fine with me, right?
I was thinking that as I watched Shikamaru's reaction to my explanation. I figured he was thinking the same things I was. The idea of an existing Shikataru was just laughable.
Or that's what I would've said, if I could've. Shikamaru… Well, he didn't say anything for a long time. It made me uncomfortable. Was he mad at me? Did he not like that I thought I could use the "Shika" tradition of the Nara clan without consulting him first?
Then he finally spoke.
"Our friendship…" he whispered, watching me with heavy eyes. I can still feel the way my stomach tickled as I started to get a totally different vibe from him. "You're right… I suppose…" he finished.
I furrowed my brows but didn't speak. Something in the pit of my stomach kept me silent. He was mute, too, as he moved his right hand closer to my face; his arm was already stretched behind my head across the top of the couch. He began to rub my face with his fingertips, tracing circles and figure eights on my cheek. I know that for a fact because I was all but sucked right into the touch that I could think of nothing else.
I let myself lean into his side while his fingers began to explore further down my neck, which tickled. I almost broke the silence with giggles, but I held back. I just closed my eyes in comfort as he moved to my shoulder.
I admit it that an intense need was beginning to flare up inside of me. It's the first time I realized that I, too, had a desire to touch Shikamaru and that I could do the same to him that he was doing to me. It sounds so stupid now that I'm writing this out, but honestly, our close relationship was just so natural that I never thought any further about it.
I struggled with it for a second before I just ran my hand across his vest and up towards the lowest part of what was revealed of his collarbone. Instantly I felt an electric sort of spark in my fingertips. My heartbeat quickened then as he half moaned, half sighed, leaning his head back against the couch. I think he felt sparks, too. That's the only way I can describe his reaction.
The rest of this story can only be explained in small detail. You'll understand why.
Somewhere along the way, our bodies twisted on the couch so that we faced one another. I hugged myself against him, massaging my fingers into his skin, while I just let him cup his face into the hollow of my left shoulder. At first I just felt warmth breath from his nostrils through my clothing, but then I felt that his lips had trailed to the side of my neck.
What incredible feeling I got when he began to kiss me there. My limbs went weak and my body began to throb. Oh no, I just won't ever forget it. We crossed the threshold we had been standing over for years.
Flames overtook us both. I've never been kissed in all my twenty-three years of living and it all but took me by surprise. I always wondered if I'd know what to do, where to start, but now I know that it just comes to you like burping comes to a baby. And it was great. He kissed me on the lips after I had begun to kiss his Adams apple, and that was the best moment of my life.
I'll never remember exactly how long it lasted, I don't think. Probably just a couple of minutes. It had gone very far, very fast, as I was beginning to feel an urge to be freed from these clothes, get physically closer to him than we had ever been before. I'll admit that I was so caught up in Shikamaru that it took all I had just to submit to him when he, out of nowhere, broke away from my embrace and our kissing, breathing hard and fast and watching me with fading hunger in his eyes.
After a moment's cool down, reality started to sink back into my head. The desire began to turn to despair. Shikamaru wasn't in need of a break. He had purposely shrunk away from me the moment he felt me tugging on his Jounin vest.
I had angled my face towards the floor, starting to feel ashamed. I hadn't been thinking about my actions at all. If I had just controlled myself…
When I finally looked up at him, he was watching me with a pained face. Partially apologetic. I said nothing because I didn't know what to say. It was up to him to take it from there.
"I'm going to head home now."
Thinking about it still stings a bit, a couple hours later.
He stood up off of the couch - I don't know how. I was still lightheaded at the moment. He sighed that pitiful little sigh…
"Stay safe, girl."
He bent down and kissed my nose. Seconds later, and he was gone.
What a strange story. So many emotions are running through me right now. But I understand now why Shikamaru left when he did. I owe him so much now that I'll never be able to repay him.
He left because he knew he had stop us before things got real dirty. Or else our friendship - what we've had all along - would have been unjustly trashed with one action. He left because he cares.
Thank goodness I have a man like him. What self-control. I'd be doomed without him.
November 2nd, 10:10 P.M.
Love.
Shikamaru found me this evening at the bridge. Yes, I admit it, I had stolen his spot. From now on I had plans on visiting the bridge every first of November, the anniversary of our first real kiss and a solidification of our relationship. Pretty silly, I know…
It was an awkward reunion, though. I stared up at him with a small smile, while he watched me with a serious look.
"How are you?" I was the first to ask. I did so casually. I think he appreciated that.
He took a moment and sat down next to me, legs dangling off the bridge. But I noticed that he left room between us. He did not want to risk touching me again. You'd think that would upset a girl, but I just watched him with a smile.
"I'm fine. Are you…?" he trailed off, glancing over at me.
"I'm okay. Honest," I replied, looking back to the shiny water. It was tickled with pink. A winter sunset. Cold weather is just a tomorrow away. I couldn't help but think of a month ago, when he told me one of his favorite things was the cold.
"I'm sorry I ran off like I did," Shikamaru said, his face full of shame. It took me by surprise. "I know it was cowardly."
My heart pounded and my face flushed. Not for the reason you'd first think. It was because I felt fear.
I was in a strange situation. For once, it was me who had the words of encouragement to offer. And I offered them right away.
I didn't care if he was afraid to touch me; I wasn't. My turn to show a little self-control! I took his left hand in my right and gave him a hard look with my teal eyes.
"You're no coward, Shikamaru. You were the better person. I'm so proud of you right now that I could die from it."
He surprised me again with a small chuckle. I suppose I did expect a little bit of melodramatics from him, after all, it's what I would do. But, gee, I still have a lot to learn!
"Well, you might not look at it as a cowardice, but you don't understand how hard it was to stop kissing you."
He looked over at me with a pair of dark, humored eyes.
"You're a pretty good kisser… Oh, and please don't die for my sake."
My cheeks were probably bright red as I turned away with an embarrassed smile. And, yet, I was starting to feel slightly dominant over the conversation. I faced him again.
"I'll die for whomever I want to die for. And that would be you."
Hmph, I'm too sappy.
But Shikamaru just sighed and looked over towards the horizon, where the stream came from. He let go of my hand and placed it on his thigh. I didn't like the look on his face or the same strange feeling I had gotten like last month, when it seemed as though he was trying to leave me behind.
"I've had a great time with you over these years, Temari. You already know that if you need me for something, anything - I'll be there."
I swallowed. Was this…?
"So if you feel like you just need to get away from me for a while, I'd understand. If you want to start dating someone, don't hesitate if you think of me. You know I will support it all the way through. I want you to have whatever life would make you the happiest."
I suppose this was the exact moment that I had a sort of revelation of some sort. Finally, finally, I was hearing what I always wanted to hear. Shikamaru had gotten himself cornered now, and I was the cat, ready to pounce at this opportunity.
"Do you love me?" I whispered over the trickling sound of water below.
He grinned and whispered back, "You know I do."
Then I shook my head, frowning.
"But do you love me?" I repeated. This time, it was a mutual understanding of the real message inside the question.
"Yes. I love you so much that I could die from it," he admitted after brief hesitation.
And that, right there, will be the sentence that I will hold in my heart until my dying moment.
For the last time, Shikamaru had proven that he was a very good man. A very swell man, indeed. And I proceeded to kiss him on the lips very hard, just to prove that I also loved him more than life itself. He kissed me back as the moon finally stole all of the sun's light.
Cherish your memories. Don't let them fly away. Keep them safe. Because life is unpredictable, but if you have someone special in your heart, a heavy load becomes light.
On the other hand, the fruitage of the spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faith, mildness, and self-control.
- Galations 5:22, 23a.