Here it is folks, the moment you've all been waiting for. Live and direct from TWoP, the Magnificent Eight have slaved night and day to bring you the Buffy round robin fanfic, where each chapter will be penned by a different author.
The fun begins when the Scoobies come face-to-screen with a terrifying new foe...
The Scooby Gang staggered into the Summers' living room. One by one, they flopped wearily onto the nearest comfortable piece of furniture.
"Aaaah, what a relief," said Xander, sprawled out on a bean bag. "That was really tough. I'd forgotten how much work it is fighting demons! Seeing as we never do that anymore."
"Ugggh," groaned Willow. "That was one of the worst ever. I thought this was all going to get easier as we got older! Nice tits, by the way."
"Thanks," the girls and Xander said in unison. Buffy looked slightly uncomfortable straddling Spike as he sat on a dining chair, kissing him passionately. "Buffy, surely you can use some dental tape to floss Spike's teeth?" asked Willow. "That's the third time today you've used your tongue."
"Oh," Buffy broke loose and looked up, flustered. "Um, research has shown that saliva is the best way to prevent decay and plasma build-up, which causes bad breath."
The others all looked at each other in bewilderment, until Willow nodded slowly. "OK, I guess that makes sense," she agreed. "Like yesterday, when we walked in and found you both sprawled under the rug, naked. But when you explained you were waxing his bikini line, and he was about to lance a boil on your butt, it seemed perfectly logical."
Anya was curled up on the rug with her blindingly brassy head on a soft cushion. She clawed it like a cat settling down for the night.
"Hey! Get your fingernails out of my stomach!" cried Xander.
"I don't know why you guys were so freaked out by that not-scary monster," sneered Dawn. "You must have fought tons more ferocious beasts than a Spelling Bee Demon!"
Just hearing the name again struck fear into the hearts of the Gang. "Look, if you'd been to high school with us, you'd understand why we were afraid," said Buffy. "I don't remember, between us, attending more than one hour of class in total, and I'm pretty sure there wasn't any spelling in it. It was just lucky for you Dawnie, that you got a word you knew so well."
Dawn had been the first to answer, and being given the word 'petulant', the Gang had a lucky break and was off to a good start. Tara was next, with 'invertebrate', which was a word she was Oh so familiar with. Scoobies 2, Demon 0.
Spike was next, but the word 'haemophiliac' was way beyond him. "Cor, how the bloody hell should I know? I haven't eaten one of those since the Romanovs!" Scoobies 2, Demon 1.
It was Willow's turn, and when she heard the word 'penis' her hands shook uncontrollably as she took a long swig of water. She decided the best way to approach it was with sensible analysis. "Pee-ness. OK, well of course we all know what 'pee' is, and 'ness' is like 'Highness' so it's obviously some kind of royalty or god. Er, Goddess. So I'd say it's probably the Goddess of Urination, therefore it's spell P-E-E-N-E-S-S." Scoobies 2, Demon 2.
Tara had shaken her head sadly. "You know honey-bun boo-boo sweety-pie, the Goddess of Urination that WE worship is called W-W-W-Whizzness. How could you get them mixed up?" she said in her most non-confrontational way.
Willow looked stricken. "I'm so sorry baby-waby. That other word just confused me. I've never seen one of those rude manly-man dangly things. How would I know how to spell it?"
The Gang all stared, then stared some more. Buffy muttered to Xander "I think one of her forgetting spells must have backfired," to which Xander replied "Or maybe Tara's just gone and Tabula Rasa'd Oz right out of Will's memory!"
They quickly remembered the Demon and got back to the task at hand. It was Xander's turn, and, like the expert he was, he rattled off 'carbohydrate' without pausing. Buffy was next, but unfortunately her word was also 'carbohydrate', which was something she knew very little about. Scoobies 3, Demon 3.
So it had all been left to Anya. There was much tension and holding of breath, before the Demon said the words 'fixed-term deposit'. The Gang breathed a collective sigh of relief as Anya screamed out the answer like a manic game show contestant, and jumped up and down and kissed the Demon when the flashing lights and appalling brassy music confirmed that she had won the spelling bee AND the attractive set of kitchen appliances. And of course, killed the Demon with her excellent spelling.
"OK, it might seem lame now, but you were pretty scared too Dawnie," said Tara.
"Not as scared as all of you, though. I mean, come on, what's next? A Musical Chairs Demon?"
"Oh my god, I hope not!" shrieked Anya. "Those things are terrifying!"
"Calm down sugar, let's just relax and watch some TV," Xander said soothingly. "We shouldn't be rattled by a little spelling bee, we're all adults. Oooh, cartoons!"
Xander settled back to watch a cartoon about a skinny girl who fights demons with a bunch of hapless sidekicks, and was laughing at the absurdity of it all, when a terrifying flash and loud burst of noise came from the television.
The Gang saw a rather good looking school principal-ish demon appear on the screen. "Prepare to die! Your only chance to defeat me is to carry out the tasks I am about to give you! And frankly, it's not looking too good!"
"Who says we want to defeat you? We might invite you into our home, feed you and let you hang out with us before eventually beating you up and having sex with you." Buffy quickly collected herself as the others looked aghast. "Or, not."
"Very tempting, little spindly one, but no dice. You will each be given a clue (and a Popsicle) and you must battle your way over many hurdles to find the item you have been designated. OR DIE!" The Demon vanished in a flash of smoke, only to reappear almost instantly. "Oh, and I forgot, WEAR COMFORTABLE SHOES! That's all." This time he disappeared completely.
"Where are we supposed to find these clues? Oh my Goddess, is that a cauldron?" Willow began breathing through her mouth and drinking water at the same time, which got quite messy.
"Er, no, it looks like a tub. Full of water and - no way, it's full of apples," said Xander disgustedly. "I mean, I know they're trying to highlight our immaturity, but this is ridiculous. There's NO WAY I'm bobbing for apples - unless they're candy-coated, but that goes without saying."
Buffy decided that it was up to her to take control of the situation. "I'm the Slayer! I'm Buffy! I must decide what to do, as you are all just morons and - sorry, what I meant was, I don't want those nearest and dearest to me falling into danger. I must bob alone."
Buffy picked up an apple with her first attempt. Well, she had been practising a lot with Spike, but that was another story. She bit into the apple and pulled out a rolled up piece of paper. "It's a clue. It says 'Heterosexuality'. What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Hey, don't ask me!" Willow said quickly. "But I agree, if Buffy's happy to bob for all of the apples, we should just let her. Super Slayer bobbing strength and all. And it saves the rest of us getting our heads wet." Willow looked at the others hopefully, and Xander was nodding his approval when they were interrupted by another flash from the TV.
"You must EACH bob for your own apple!" came the booming voice of Scavenger Hunt Demon. "Then you must unravel the clue, find the item and give it to the person it's intended for."
"Why can't we just let Buffy do it?" whined Dawn. "My hair will lose it's shiny-shine!"
"Because I SAY SO, little brat. It's fairer this way, and good for your teeth. And much more entertaining for me." Another blaze of light and he was gone.
So each of the grumbling Scoobies bobbed for their apples. Xander nearly swallowed his clue, but eventually they all had one and were wearing goofy puzzled expressions while they studied them.
Buffy read them out. "So here's the list:
Backbone
Gym Membership
Heterosexuality
Real Family
Natural Hair Color
Balls
Appetite
The Demon said we had to hunt for these things and give them to the person they're intended for. How are we supposed to just find these people?"
"I think they're supposed to be for us," Willow piped up between gasps and gulps.
"I don't understand," Buffy said, scanning the list. But when she came to the word 'Balls' she looked up at Spike, who was staring adoringly at her with his head cocked to one side, and without hesitating she folded the clues and handed them back to everyone.
"You're right Will, they are for us, so here's how it goes. I'm the Slayer so I'll boss everyone around then act like a martyr for a minute. Then you can all shout at me, I'll get that glassy-eyed-brim-full-o' tears-look, but will get angry just before my mascara starts to run. Then I'll rush off in a huff. The rest of you can all set off on your own and hopefully run into some beloved past characters along the way. Then we'll meet somewhere spooky for the eventual battle. Got it?"
"Fine," snarked Xander. "Could you turn off the television on your way out?"
Just as Buffy was about to flick the switch, a commercial came on. "Nominations for this year's Emmy Awards will be announced next week. Watch our special broadcast."
Buffy sat down, all the better to stare up at the others with her welling-teary eyed look. "This is it, everyone. We can do this. We can all act our little butts off. Sorry Xander, I meant you as well. This show is called Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and I'm Buffy. It's all about me. So do it for me. Give me an Emmy. And make me happy."
Coming soon: Chapter Two: Time magazine calls Anya's super blond locks "The Most Visible Hair Color Ever Viewed From Space."
The fun begins when the Scoobies come face-to-screen with a terrifying new foe...
The Scooby Gang staggered into the Summers' living room. One by one, they flopped wearily onto the nearest comfortable piece of furniture.
"Aaaah, what a relief," said Xander, sprawled out on a bean bag. "That was really tough. I'd forgotten how much work it is fighting demons! Seeing as we never do that anymore."
"Ugggh," groaned Willow. "That was one of the worst ever. I thought this was all going to get easier as we got older! Nice tits, by the way."
"Thanks," the girls and Xander said in unison. Buffy looked slightly uncomfortable straddling Spike as he sat on a dining chair, kissing him passionately. "Buffy, surely you can use some dental tape to floss Spike's teeth?" asked Willow. "That's the third time today you've used your tongue."
"Oh," Buffy broke loose and looked up, flustered. "Um, research has shown that saliva is the best way to prevent decay and plasma build-up, which causes bad breath."
The others all looked at each other in bewilderment, until Willow nodded slowly. "OK, I guess that makes sense," she agreed. "Like yesterday, when we walked in and found you both sprawled under the rug, naked. But when you explained you were waxing his bikini line, and he was about to lance a boil on your butt, it seemed perfectly logical."
Anya was curled up on the rug with her blindingly brassy head on a soft cushion. She clawed it like a cat settling down for the night.
"Hey! Get your fingernails out of my stomach!" cried Xander.
"I don't know why you guys were so freaked out by that not-scary monster," sneered Dawn. "You must have fought tons more ferocious beasts than a Spelling Bee Demon!"
Just hearing the name again struck fear into the hearts of the Gang. "Look, if you'd been to high school with us, you'd understand why we were afraid," said Buffy. "I don't remember, between us, attending more than one hour of class in total, and I'm pretty sure there wasn't any spelling in it. It was just lucky for you Dawnie, that you got a word you knew so well."
Dawn had been the first to answer, and being given the word 'petulant', the Gang had a lucky break and was off to a good start. Tara was next, with 'invertebrate', which was a word she was Oh so familiar with. Scoobies 2, Demon 0.
Spike was next, but the word 'haemophiliac' was way beyond him. "Cor, how the bloody hell should I know? I haven't eaten one of those since the Romanovs!" Scoobies 2, Demon 1.
It was Willow's turn, and when she heard the word 'penis' her hands shook uncontrollably as she took a long swig of water. She decided the best way to approach it was with sensible analysis. "Pee-ness. OK, well of course we all know what 'pee' is, and 'ness' is like 'Highness' so it's obviously some kind of royalty or god. Er, Goddess. So I'd say it's probably the Goddess of Urination, therefore it's spell P-E-E-N-E-S-S." Scoobies 2, Demon 2.
Tara had shaken her head sadly. "You know honey-bun boo-boo sweety-pie, the Goddess of Urination that WE worship is called W-W-W-Whizzness. How could you get them mixed up?" she said in her most non-confrontational way.
Willow looked stricken. "I'm so sorry baby-waby. That other word just confused me. I've never seen one of those rude manly-man dangly things. How would I know how to spell it?"
The Gang all stared, then stared some more. Buffy muttered to Xander "I think one of her forgetting spells must have backfired," to which Xander replied "Or maybe Tara's just gone and Tabula Rasa'd Oz right out of Will's memory!"
They quickly remembered the Demon and got back to the task at hand. It was Xander's turn, and, like the expert he was, he rattled off 'carbohydrate' without pausing. Buffy was next, but unfortunately her word was also 'carbohydrate', which was something she knew very little about. Scoobies 3, Demon 3.
So it had all been left to Anya. There was much tension and holding of breath, before the Demon said the words 'fixed-term deposit'. The Gang breathed a collective sigh of relief as Anya screamed out the answer like a manic game show contestant, and jumped up and down and kissed the Demon when the flashing lights and appalling brassy music confirmed that she had won the spelling bee AND the attractive set of kitchen appliances. And of course, killed the Demon with her excellent spelling.
"OK, it might seem lame now, but you were pretty scared too Dawnie," said Tara.
"Not as scared as all of you, though. I mean, come on, what's next? A Musical Chairs Demon?"
"Oh my god, I hope not!" shrieked Anya. "Those things are terrifying!"
"Calm down sugar, let's just relax and watch some TV," Xander said soothingly. "We shouldn't be rattled by a little spelling bee, we're all adults. Oooh, cartoons!"
Xander settled back to watch a cartoon about a skinny girl who fights demons with a bunch of hapless sidekicks, and was laughing at the absurdity of it all, when a terrifying flash and loud burst of noise came from the television.
The Gang saw a rather good looking school principal-ish demon appear on the screen. "Prepare to die! Your only chance to defeat me is to carry out the tasks I am about to give you! And frankly, it's not looking too good!"
"Who says we want to defeat you? We might invite you into our home, feed you and let you hang out with us before eventually beating you up and having sex with you." Buffy quickly collected herself as the others looked aghast. "Or, not."
"Very tempting, little spindly one, but no dice. You will each be given a clue (and a Popsicle) and you must battle your way over many hurdles to find the item you have been designated. OR DIE!" The Demon vanished in a flash of smoke, only to reappear almost instantly. "Oh, and I forgot, WEAR COMFORTABLE SHOES! That's all." This time he disappeared completely.
"Where are we supposed to find these clues? Oh my Goddess, is that a cauldron?" Willow began breathing through her mouth and drinking water at the same time, which got quite messy.
"Er, no, it looks like a tub. Full of water and - no way, it's full of apples," said Xander disgustedly. "I mean, I know they're trying to highlight our immaturity, but this is ridiculous. There's NO WAY I'm bobbing for apples - unless they're candy-coated, but that goes without saying."
Buffy decided that it was up to her to take control of the situation. "I'm the Slayer! I'm Buffy! I must decide what to do, as you are all just morons and - sorry, what I meant was, I don't want those nearest and dearest to me falling into danger. I must bob alone."
Buffy picked up an apple with her first attempt. Well, she had been practising a lot with Spike, but that was another story. She bit into the apple and pulled out a rolled up piece of paper. "It's a clue. It says 'Heterosexuality'. What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Hey, don't ask me!" Willow said quickly. "But I agree, if Buffy's happy to bob for all of the apples, we should just let her. Super Slayer bobbing strength and all. And it saves the rest of us getting our heads wet." Willow looked at the others hopefully, and Xander was nodding his approval when they were interrupted by another flash from the TV.
"You must EACH bob for your own apple!" came the booming voice of Scavenger Hunt Demon. "Then you must unravel the clue, find the item and give it to the person it's intended for."
"Why can't we just let Buffy do it?" whined Dawn. "My hair will lose it's shiny-shine!"
"Because I SAY SO, little brat. It's fairer this way, and good for your teeth. And much more entertaining for me." Another blaze of light and he was gone.
So each of the grumbling Scoobies bobbed for their apples. Xander nearly swallowed his clue, but eventually they all had one and were wearing goofy puzzled expressions while they studied them.
Buffy read them out. "So here's the list:
Backbone
Gym Membership
Heterosexuality
Real Family
Natural Hair Color
Balls
Appetite
The Demon said we had to hunt for these things and give them to the person they're intended for. How are we supposed to just find these people?"
"I think they're supposed to be for us," Willow piped up between gasps and gulps.
"I don't understand," Buffy said, scanning the list. But when she came to the word 'Balls' she looked up at Spike, who was staring adoringly at her with his head cocked to one side, and without hesitating she folded the clues and handed them back to everyone.
"You're right Will, they are for us, so here's how it goes. I'm the Slayer so I'll boss everyone around then act like a martyr for a minute. Then you can all shout at me, I'll get that glassy-eyed-brim-full-o' tears-look, but will get angry just before my mascara starts to run. Then I'll rush off in a huff. The rest of you can all set off on your own and hopefully run into some beloved past characters along the way. Then we'll meet somewhere spooky for the eventual battle. Got it?"
"Fine," snarked Xander. "Could you turn off the television on your way out?"
Just as Buffy was about to flick the switch, a commercial came on. "Nominations for this year's Emmy Awards will be announced next week. Watch our special broadcast."
Buffy sat down, all the better to stare up at the others with her welling-teary eyed look. "This is it, everyone. We can do this. We can all act our little butts off. Sorry Xander, I meant you as well. This show is called Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and I'm Buffy. It's all about me. So do it for me. Give me an Emmy. And make me happy."
Coming soon: Chapter Two: Time magazine calls Anya's super blond locks "The Most Visible Hair Color Ever Viewed From Space."