I woke with start, panting heavily. I can feel it happening yet again. I thought I was free of it by now! The last cat I unwillingly killed was moons ago. I hoped it was gone when I met Cloudwhisper. My gaze clouded as I closed my eyes. Blackness…..what I wouldn't give to be free of it! Even now, I can feel it taking over. I can feel myself losing control of my limbs. My ears prick at the sound of pawsteps. My nose picks up the scent of Cloudwhisper, my mate. I try to break through the darkness. I can see light at the end if I concentrate hard enough. I hate how it controls me.
"Owlstep! Owlstep!" Cloudwhisper meowed. I can hear her padding closer. I opened my mouth to try and warn her. To tell her to turn and save herself.
"Hello, victim." My voice was cold and I could feel my eyes open. Great Starclan! No! Not her too! I can see my mate clearly but her face…. It will stay with me as long as I live. It was wracked with horror, sorrow, and shock. I struggled against this overwhelming blackness. I can see the light now, so bright. It was growing closer and closer. I could tell that I was breaking free. As my energy fades, the blackness pressed in. It swarmed my mind like bees around a beehive. It was too strong. I can feel a smile forming upon my face. A smile that I didn't want there.
"Owlstep….." I can see Cloudwhisper backing away, her blue eyes wide. "Your eyes are red." I already knew this of course, it wasn't the first time. I couldn't bear to see her like this. Even if I did manage to break free, she would be afraid of me. I couldn't do it. I couldn't allow this demon to kill her. I knew what I had to do now. Summoning up the last of my strength, I broke free of the darkness. Goodbye Cloudwhisper. I hope you take good care of our kits. Regaining control of my limbs, I ran. I ran out of the camp. Away from my mate, my family, my kits, my friends. I ran through the territory, weaving around trees and bushes.
I soon slowed to catch my breath and rest. I was in front of the stream that marked the boundary between Thunderclan and Windclan. I padded closer to the stream and leaned down to take a drink. I froze. A gray tabby was looking back at me. Instead of green eyes, the eyes were slowly turning to a red color. I reared back in shock. Pain flowed through me as my flank collided with a tree. I can feel the darkness taking over yet again.
Before I can run, the blackness took over fully. I couldn't feel my limbs and an unwanted growl rumbled in my throat. I can feel my claws unsheathing against my will as I recognized Eaglepaw padding over. I felt myself leaping. My mouth turned dry as I tackled my apprentice. Eaglepaw fought bravely, his amber eyes wide. I can tell that he was weakening as I unwillingly landed harsh blow after harsh blow. I fought and screamed inwardly at myself to stop. I wanted Eaglepaw to live. I wanted him to become a warrior, a warrior that I can be proud of. Suddenly my paw froze, the claws inches away from Eaglepaw's neck. I breathed a sigh of relief as I regained control of my limbs. I backed away from Eaglepaw, sheathing my claws.
Catching sight of the stream, an idea formed in my mind. "Eaglepaw," I meowed, struggling to keep control against the choking blackness. "Throw me in the stream."
"I don't want to!" Eaglepaw's mew cracked. "You can fight this! I know you can!" I can see and hear the desperation.
"Just do it," I meowed. "A warrior sacrifices himself for his clan." I remember my mentor saying those words to me. It was the last day I ever saw him alive. Now the events were repeating. I saw understanding and sorrow in my apprentice's amber gaze. I wanted to die. To get it over with before I could kill another cat. I've already killed so many unwillingly. I wanted to go to Starclan, but I wondered if they will ever welcome me after all those deaths. I felt teeth meet in my scruff as Eaglepaw dragged me towards the stream. I silently begged him to hurry as the blackness began to take over. I could feel myself losing control. Before I could land a blow, Eaglepaw tossed me into the stream. I felt water wash over my pelt as I heard a splash. Instinctively, I fought to keep afloat. To stay alive. Suddenly asking to be drowned wasn't a good idea. Water flowed into my nose as I fought to keep my nose above the water's reach. It was no use. I could feel myself weakening as the stream carried me forward. I could see the island where the clans gathered each full moon. I sunk below the surface as the last of my strength failed, and I felt myself going limp. I can see a light now. It was a different light than the one I see when I fought to be free myself from the blackness. Instead of a bright light, it had soft, silvery glow. I wondered if I was about to meet Starclan. I could see a forest, bright green in greenleaf. I could feel the warm greenleaf sun wash over me as I drifted closer and closer to the light. I could feel the darkness leaving me. I never felt so happy in my life then in that moment. I was finally free of the darkness. My only regret is never being able to see my kits grow into fine warriors or see Eaglepaw's warrior ceremony. The guilt was replaced with warmth and relief. My brother will take care of them and I know they will fare well. Cloudwhisper will be able to bear the grief and raise our kits well. Water gurgled in my throat as I let out my last purr.