Comedy Central, Here, How May I Help You?

By annee loves sasusaku

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Or "Wizard Angst," for those Harry Potter fans who know about that. XD

Author's note: Hello, hello, hello, everybody! :D God, I love the rain. Always makes me feel super-duper creative. Hence, my little writing spree. XD That was odd. Never did that before. 0_0 Anyways, this story came to me one day after I took a little trip with my family on a cruise line, and it was AWESOME, because I snuck into an R-rated comedy show, and who the hell doesn't love R-rated comedy shows? Anyways, that inspired me a lot. There was also another person who inspired me a lot, and still does actually; she's the reason why the majority of my iSakura chapters are so damn good. XD So, here it is, to my inspiration, my dear friend: Laelia. This story is dedicated to you. :)

Oh, and to those of you who are of the United States, some of these comedy acts, which some have or have not been taken from the comedy act that I have gone to, may be very upsetting. Which is why this is rated M for mature. For the extremely crude humor, strong language… and possible sex scenes. XD

Those of you who are NOT from the U. S., please sit back and enjoy me, a very dedicated, American, poking fun at a bunch of very American things. :D

-xxx-

Act 1

Love Language

-xxx-

It was another beautiful morning in L.A., California—the sun was shining, the water was shimmering, everything was—

Bullshit. Stop. Stop it, now. Hell no is a story like this going to start out like that! That morning was more like this:

It was the frickin' middle of December, and L.A. was stricken by cold weather; everyone was trying desperately to get ready for the upcoming Christmas, warm inside their homes. Well, everyone who wasn't going on a three-week cruise, that was. In the middle of the downtown L.A. harbor was a monster-sized cruise-liner. There were already lines forming, consisting of large families, wailing babies, and whiny little brats that incessantly screamed, "BUT I WANT MY ICE CREAM!"

Yeah? What good is that ice cream going to do, shoved up your—

"Wait, wait, wait!"

A pink-haired young lady dashed toward the massive cruise ship ticket line, waving a slip of paper as she dragged her luggage alongside her. "Hold up, people! Jesus!" She pushed her way through the crowd, ignoring certain very rude comments. She turned around when she felt someone's hand against her rump. "Yo! Whoever did that, you can look, but you can't touch!" Turning around and making her way over to the employee line, she muttered, "Perverts," before she managed to survive the trek over and check her things in, getting onto the ship before the actual passengers stampeded onto the boat for an afternoon lunch.

"Good afternoon, Miss Haruno," greeted the typically, very friendly crew member as he helped her aboard. "Wonderful weather in Los Angeles today, isn't it?"

The rosette smiled at him while she quickly tied her hair up into a messy bun. "Naw," she said, giving him a dazzling smile. "The weather sucks. It's actually pretty great to be back on board, Tony." She patted him on the back as she made her way onto the main deck. "Thanks for the help!" With that, she dashed into the all-you-can-eat buffet and stacked on as many sweets on her plate as she could.

She smiled as she helped herself to another slice of rich, crème brulée cheesecake. God, it was good to be back on Festival Elations. The Festival Cruise liners were so famous for being the most luxurious cruises on planet Earth, that everyone practically broke an arm or leg just to buy tickets; and this lucky chick got a free pass on one of the most elite adult playgrounds—well, minus the beautiful luxuries of Las Vegas, but you get the point. How, you may ask? By being the most sarcastic, bitter, and funniest person ever—it was just her job. So goes the saying: love what you do, and you'll never work a day in your life. And boy, did she love her job. The pink-haired girl leaned back in her chair and stretched, rubbing her hands together as she stared down that delicious slice of cheesecake. "Hello there, beautiful," she said, picking up a fork, "Prepare to meet thy fate!"

Let's backtrack a little: Festival Cruise liners equals the best cruise line in the history of the world. Of course, such a cruise line would need such entertainers—and Haruno Sakura (well, Sakura Haruno if you were one of those obnoxious Americans) was one such entertainer. A comedian. Well, a sort of failing comedian, to be precise. No, not a clown; there weren't any ginormous shoes hanging from her feet or big red nose—did she look like Rudolph to you? Certainly not. If anything, she was probably one of the most sought-out bachelorettes. Because, well… she was different. Let's watch an example, shall we?

Sakura sat there, sighing as she took another bite of her cheesecake, moaning with the fork in her mouth as her sly little tongue flicked out for another taste of that beautiful, delicious chocolate creaminess. Noticing a couple of (probable) college students staring at her, she winked at them, flashing them a peace sign as she brush a couple of stray pink strands away from her face, making way for those beautiful, emerald orbs to shine.

Insert random fangirl squealing from college boy students.

And who said anything about boys not wanting to have fun, squealing over cute little Japanese girls who ate cheesecake like they were having sex? (Die to those of you who believed in such monstrocities.)

The pinkette smirked and sighed, getting up to leave the now cheesecake-devoid plate. "Another day's work, here I come!" With a kick to her feet, she confidently walked past staring people (psh, California "gurls," make way!) and down the lobby, not bothering to wait for another elevator and, instead, taking the stairs. "Hello!" she greeted to happy-looking passengers, smiling as they waved back to her. Then, the moment of truth: her final destination in the employee's quarter, surprisingly just as luxurious as the passenger cabins. She handled the key and burst in, dashing over to the window and taking everything in, smiling as a seagull landed on her window. "Hey," she said softly. 'Hmm…' she thought as she reached up to it, 'I wonder if it'll let me pet it.'

"SQUACK! SQUACK!" it screamed, flapping its wings as it frantically started its escape, soaring out to the skies as if to tell its friends never to go into a room with a freaky pink-haired girl. (A/N: Bet you thought it was going to be some serious Disney princess moment. XD)

Sakura sighed and flopped back on her bed before she leaned over to rifle through her bags to pull out a small writing pad and a pencil. She tapped the pencil on her nose and looked out the window, thinking about her next act. Tonight was going to be an intro day for the passengers, which was when they got settled in, tuned into the ginormous safety procedures, and, for the little kids that demanded they trail along, joined clubs like Club H2O or Circle of Seas, or whatever.

What? She wasn't a kid…

The pinkette stamped her feet on the bed in frustration. "God dang it!" she muttered. "I want more of that cheesecake! BLAAAAH!"

…sort of.

She sighed as she returned her attention to the writing pad in front of her, desperately wracking her brain for some sort of inspiration.

No dice.

The rosette pulled her hair in frustration. "Jeez, what good is it to be a freakin' comedian if you don't have any inspiration whatsoever? Stupid writer's block…"

'And besides… if I don't come up with a good act...' she thought as she kicked the writing pad back into her suitcase and pulled on a comfortable pair of shoes, '…this might be the last act that I'll ever do.' And it was totally true. No joke. Apparently, the founder/owner/whatever of the cruise-line demanded that she give the passengers the time of their life—else she'd be kicked off the boat employee system for good. Stupid brat-like, ice-cream wanter, wannabe businessman.

Stretching her arms, she trudged out of her room, sighing as she looked down at her feet, not exactly watching where she was going…

CRASH!

…and walking straight into a person in the hall. Well, not walking straight into, per-say. More like, totally tripping over her untied shoelaces, finding something to hold onto to prevent the fall and instead, pulling someone down accidentally and falling flat on them, their clothes strewn everywhere.

"Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry!" Sakura quickly apologized, sitting straight up as to straddle her poor victim—before she stopped and stared down.

Oh. My. Fucking. Cheese-Its. Her "victim" was officially the most super-duper, scrumdiliumptous, sexy-sauce-ish, mantastical hottie-hot-hottie she had ever laid eyes on—and judging by the position she landed on him, the one she had ever lain on. But she didn't notice that; all she could notice at the moment was how gorgeous his face was, his cheekbones and face seeming to have been carved by Michaelangelo, his body (his abs) underneath her hands felt so rock-hard, his eyes were smoky black (so intense that she could lose herself in them), and his hair, despite the chicken-butt likeness, looked soft and fell casually in semi-messy locks. Oh, hello there, Mr. Sex-On-Legs.

Sakura stammered as she tried to put together a coherent sentence. "Um, I-I… room, hallway… walking…" She grinned sheepishly as she scratched the back of her head. That was when she heard him mumble something. She tiled her head at him. "Huh?"

"Get off of me," he responded, repeating his message to the strange pink-haired girl who fell on him. God, all of these girls were so annoying. Just because he was the owner of the cruise line didn't mean that they all had to get all nervous and—

"Excuse me?" Sakura retorted, absolutely refusing to get off as she put her hands on her hips, still straddling him. "Who the hell do you think you are, Mr. I-Think-I-Have-The-Right-To-Fucking-Tell-People-Off?"

—or maybe not. The raven-haired man smirked at her sarcasm as he chose not to answer the very interesting (and surprisingly, cute) pink-haired girl.

"I asked you who you think you are," she repeated again, crossing her arms across her chest. God, who did this guy think he was? She just bumped into him and already she hated his guts.

He smirked. "Mr. I-Think-I-Have-The-Right-To-Tell-People-Off." He sat up, doing a very sexy sit-up that ended up having her face very close to his. "Now then," he murmured, his masculine scent oozing off of him as his hot breath fanned her ear, "get off of me."

It took her a second to realize that, hey, 'I'm straddling the hottest, most mantastical guy I've ever met' before she bolted off of him and blushed a deep, attractive pink. "O-oops…" She gave an awkward laugh as she watched him pull himself up, giving her a frown.

"Hn," he muttered as he brushed the dirt off of his nice chemise.

"Sorry about that," she muttered back as she bent down to pick up some of his clothes.

The skirt she wore rode up a little bit, revealing a piece of her nice, creamy-looking thigh. The raven-haired man swallowed soundlessly, ignoring the way her natural beauty made him sweat pools on the inside. Of course, men like him never really sweated. It was gross; so he didn't do it. Before she could pick up his clothes that were now helplessly scattered in the hallway, he stopped her with a simple hand to her shoulder and gracefully gathered them up. After he was finished, he turned to look at her once and hn-ed before he turned away to walk to his suite, smirking when he heard her next words.

"Hey, that's not polite! Try adding more to that vocabulary of yours, why don't-cha!" Sakura seethed when all she saw was his back. "Bastard," she muttered, kicking the carpet floor. 'But he was definitely a hottie-hot-hottie.'

"Damn, girl, did you manage to snag any of that fine thing?" asked a familiar voice.

Sakura turned around and smiled. "Ino!" she greeted her best girl friend as she hugged her, giggling. "What the hell are you doing here?"

The blonde shrugged and flashed her pink-haired friend a dazzling smile. "Well, you know, my boss gave me a day off from work, and I decided to come here and relax."

Knowing her best friend, the comedian gave her a sly grin. "Did you bring anyone with you?" Her suspicions were confirmed when the blonde turned away to hide a blush.

"N-No!" A pause before Ino's shoulders sagged and she sighed. "Yeah…"

Sakura put a finger to her lips in mock thought. "Hmm… let's see who it is this time…" She grinned when she felt a hard smack to her arm before she snapped her fingers. "Shikamaru?"

Ino laughed. "Nope. It's Chouji."

"Oh, darn—I swore I saw that you and Shika had some chemistry." She shrugged. "Guess he's going for Temari, huh?"

"You bet." The blonde gave another chiming laugh. "Well, I gotta go get the luggage before Chouji practically eats himself to death at the buffet. I'll be looking forward to your acts during the cruise, m'kay?" With a wave, she was off.

The pinkette waved weakly after her friend before her arm dropped limply to her side and she sighed. "Yeah… if only I could find something to write about…"

"OH, SAKURA-CHAAAAAAN!"

Oh, boy. Should she even dare to turn around?

Risking having her face torn off, Sakura pivoted on her heel, girding her loins before she laughed when she saw her other blond best friend. "Hey, you!" she giggled, rubbing the spiky blond locks of hair on her friend's head. "What brings you here, Naruto?"

The happy-go-lucky young man grinned. "Well, I got a pass from work and one of my buddies got me two free tickets to get on this cruise—and I sure as hell wasn't going to pass those up! 'Specially since you're doing an act on this ship." He gave another cheery laugh. "Hinata's up at the room resting a bit. I'm gonna go hit the buffet. Hear Chouji's on this ship with Ino." Naruto gave a wave. "Ja!" And he disappeared.

The pinkette pouted. Dagnabit! They were all waiting for the most sarcastic, most bitter and funniest acts in the next few weeks, and she didn't even know where to get started! The girl sighed as she shuffled back to her cabin and dug up her writing pad again, resuming her seat on the bed. But all she could think about was that extremely sexy stranger that she just bumped into. Her palms sweated when she thought of his hard abs and die-for face and smoky eyes and—

Sakura shook the thoughts away. "Have to think about an act…" Another image of the man hit her again… and that was when she realized….

Hello there, beautiful idea…

With that first thought, she set to work.

-xxx-

The rosette bit her lip as she saw a nice crowd of people in the Marionette Lounge. Well, nice as in large number, anyway. The other definition of nice didn't exactly correspond with the flips that her stomach was currently doing. 'Just relax, Sakura…' she told herself, staring into the mirror as she double-checked, then triple-checked her make-up. 'You've done this tons of times… in middle school. Just… do the same as always.' Squaring her shoulders and putting final touches on her dress, she took a deep breath and listened as the announcer, er, announced her coming.

"Hello there, ladies and gentlemen! How's everybody doin' tonight?"

A weak chorus of "Good" and "Fine" managed to croak from the crowd.

Sakura could almost see the disapproving frown on the announcer's face. "D'aw, c'mon, you guys! I said 'how's everybody doin' tonight?'"

This time, the crowd erupted into a volcanic cheer as if, just after their first dead silence, they'd all been pumped with 5-hour Energies.

"Good, good! Glad to hear." A pause from the other side of the curtain. "Alright, now before I introduce our very talented comedian for tonight, I have a terrible joke to tell you guys. Everybody ready?" With the audience's approval, he continued. "Okay, so—a friend of mine, he got into this accident this one day where the entire left side of his body was totally crushed"—surprisingly, a large amount of people giggled—"and then I asked him, 'Eh, hey, Mike, you okay?' He said, 'Yeah. I'm all right.'"

Sakura chuckled when she heard the crowd groan.

The announcer chuckled himself. "Okay then, I see you want me off the stage. Well then, say hello to a real sarcastic prodigy, the comedian that we have here today who will entertain you until your side bleeds, Sakura Haruno!"

Bursting from the side curtain, the pink-haired girl smiled and waved as she made her way onto the stage and grabbed the mike from the announcer. "Thanks, Thomas, I totally appreciate you giving us one of the best grammar jokes of all time, right folks?" She giggled when she heard them chuckle at her sarcasm. "Alright, so how many of your out there are enjoying your time on the ship already, huh? Yeah?"

A hoot of cheers answered her.

"Great, cool! I'm sure you already have so many stories to tell. I do, likewise. I mean, I came onto this ship today, and I was like, 'Man, I'm a lucky bitch…' I mean, seriously—who'd love a job where all you do is bitch about your life all day? Huh?" Screams of approval sounded throughout the lounge. "That's right, be jealous, bitches."

The crowd's shouting died down before she continued.

"Uh, yeah, so I'm a Harry Potter fan"—she smiled when the Harry Potter fans cheered in the audience—"and I just watched the most funniest shit on Harry Potter. It's called Wizard Angst, who's heard of that?" More applause sounded throughout the lounge. "Yeah. I love that. It really shows the problem with teens these days, I mean, seriously—bumped into this one guy in the hallway when I was going back up to my suite"—she looked at the crowd and said in a squeaky sing-song voice—"He wasn't beary happy." She laughed with the crowd. "But yeah, uh, so I bumped into him and I gotta say, sexiest beast in the entire fucking world, by the way."

The women in the crowd hooted.

"It was really weird though, bumping into him because it was a total accident—I guess you can call it that when you end up straddling the guy and going 'WHOO! GO HORSEY, GO!'"

The men in the crowd whooped and laughed, cheering her on.

"But the thing with this guy was that he radiated angst. Like, you walk past him, and I swear you can hear his thoughts"—she cupped a hand to her ear and muttered in a deep voice—"angst, angst, angst, angst… Get away from me! Oh, dear GOD, what the hell is THAT?" Sakura turned to look at the crowd. "That was him when he almost saw what was under my pants—I mean, seriously? What do I look like—I have a fucking gnome under there or something?" She paused for a while as the crowd laughed. "Yeah, that's a turnoff. You guys know what else is a turn off? Guys living with their moms!"

"OOOOHHHH!" exclaimed the crowd.

"I mean, c'mon! Just think of it this way: you and your dude"—a guy in the crowd hooted—"There's a gay one, I like that—anyway, you and him are, like, in the kitchen, having the most roughest, animalistic sex of your entire fucking life"—the girls in the crowd screamed and Sakura waggled her eyebrows—"We're listening."

Another roar of laughter.

"Yeah, so you guys are fucking in the kitchen, and it's about the time when you're like holding onto the refrigerator door, going 'OMIGOD, OH MY FUCKING—OH YEAH! OH YEAH!' and then you hear the guy screaming, 'I'M COMING, MOM!'" Sakura stopped and gave the crowd a 'What the hell' look as they burst into fits of giggles. "Seriously? It's like STOP!"

"Hey, fuck you!" a guy said in the crowd as the rest of them roared with applause.

Sakura smiled as she looked at the guy. "Hey, I'd like that—but not on your mom's fridge, okay?"

Another roar of laughter from the audience.

The rosette giggled. "Okay, you guys, it was awesome being here tonight, and that's all I have for today—please be sure to come to my next show tomorrow, okay? Thanks, folks." Standing there on the stage, she waved goodbye to her entertainees, not noticing a certain raven-haired man give her a once over and then disappeared with the crowd.

-xxx-

The raven-haired man smirked and chuckled into his right fist, trying not to burst into fits of laughter. 'That was actually pretty good,' he thought as he managed to stifle himself and sat down at nearby bar that stood right outside of the Marionette lounge. He gave another soft chuckle before he stopped and stared back into the room where the pink-haired girl stood, wearing a bright smile on her face. What an interesting girl she was…

Bumping into him, first of all. Then not knowing who the hell she was dealing with. Then being utterly, stupidly, rudely sarcastic and bitter to him—and strangely, he liked it. It was so refreshing to have a woman who didn't kiss up to him, didn't try to play him by the dick, didn't plaster themselves to his side like they just used Super-glue. It was so, so refreshing.

"Anything to drink, Mr. Uchiha?" asked a bartender as he bustled from one side of the bar to the other.

The businessman waved him off. "None for me today, Jeeves," he said, nodding at him before taking a last look at the pinkette in the lounge and swiveling off of the stool. Before he left, the raven-haired man turned to look over his shoulder and said, "By the way, there's no need to be so formal. Call me Sasuke."

-xxx-

Sakura smiled and whooped and cheered when they were all gone, not caring that the mike was still on. She dashed toward the announcer. "Thanks, Thomas!" she told him and held both of his hands. "Man, that was awesome."

Thomas laughed as he stared back at the pretty comedian. "Yeah, I thought exactly the same thing. Great job, you." He patted her on the back. "I'll be waiting for next time's. See ya!"

The rosette waved at his back and held the mike in her hand. "I did it," she murmured. An image of the raven-haired mystery man flashed through her head again. 'And it was all thanks to that one guy…' She hated to admit it, but the inspiration seemed to come around when she bumped into him. Maybe another accidental bump-in or two won't be so weird. 'After all,' she thought as she sat down where coincidentally a certain male had sat, 'I'll be able to keep my job.' It was the job on the sexiest dream ship ever. If she lost that, she'd have nothing—she'd be a loser for life. She gritted her teeth as she imagined an old businessman, jaded by life and having nothing better to do than to cut off another person's career. 'Stupid bastard… I dare you to try and take it away from me while I'm on this ship.'

With the determination and confidence of a lioness, Sakura stalked off the stage and headed back to her cabin.

-xxx-

Author's note: Hey, dolls! :D How was that for a first chapter? A little too much crude humor? Yeah? Well, there's going to be more where that came from. XD Please do review and tell me how you liked it. I'd love to hear some feedback and I'd like to have some inspiration for future comedy acts. :D

Review, review, review.