Pairing: Meredith/Addison

THIS MORNING:

"What the hell is going on?" Derek yelled when he saw Addison and I sitting close to each other in the cafeteria. I knew he couldn't have been talking about us sitting together because he knows that Addison and I sit together now and it was never a problem before. Then, I saw the horror in Addison's eyes and I knew that she must think he knows and that makes sense, so maybe he does.

"What are you talking about?" I ask, not wanting to play the guessing game.

"You're sleeping with my wife," it wasn't a question, more like an accusation.

"Can we not do this here," she said from her seat, but I could tell he won't listen.

"Do what? Talk about how much of a whore you are Addison? First Mark and now Meredith."

I couldn't take this. I wasn't going to let him verbally attack her like this because Addison was a lot of things, but she wasn't a whore. If anything, it was me that should be called a whore because it's my fault we're in this situation.

But that's not the worst part. I think the worst part is when he kept going on about how she was a whore for sleeping with me and I punched him in the face. Yes, that was the worst part. Because that's what was going to lead to me having to see the Chief and to me possibly losing my position in the program. Yeah, that's definitely the worst part.

NOW:

None of this should have happened, it was all a big mistake, a big mistake. I knew that it would all somehow end up blowing up in our faces, but I never knew that it would happen this way. But here I am, pacing back and forth in front of the chief's office, wondering how it started, wondering how it got to this point. I can't remember when it started exactly, but I knew all along that there was only trouble to come once I found out that Derek was married. And boy was I right. Okay I guess it's safe to say that this all started that night in Joe's when I declared my celibacy. Yeah, it was that night that it all started...

Derek walked up to me from behind as I sat at the bar knitting. "You know as a... as a friend, I've got to tell you, you look a little weird."

Without looking up I said: "I'm making a sweater."

Joe jumped in and at this point I was already aggravated because the knitting was really hard, "you're knitting... in a bar," he added that part in and I rolled my eyes. "You can't knit in a bar; you're scaring the customers."

Derek looked away then back to me, "come on, have a drink."

"I can't have a drink, I'm celibate." The two of them both looked confused, whether it was because they didn't see the connection or because they just didn't get it, I don't know.

Joe walked around to the other side of the bar, "You mean sober?" Yeah, he definitely didn't see the connection. He continued in a reassuring voice, "she means sober."

"No, I mean celibate. I'm practicing celibacy. Drinking does not go well with celibacy because it makes everything and everyone seem kind of porn-y. Then my head gets all cloudy and the next thing you know I'm naked. My point is that I'm celibate, and knitting is good for surgical dexterity, so I'm making a sweater." I sighed a little to myself as I finish my little rant and continued knitting, seeing the look of confusion on his face.

"You? Celibate? I don't buy it." He said it like it wasn't possible, I could totally be celibate. Right?

"No more men." That is when I felt someone walking towards me and it was her voice I heard before I saw her.

"No more men? Really? You?" Derek gave her a look and she raised her hands in defense. "I'm just asking because we're friends." She smiled and I gave her a half-smile while she busied herself with a nut.

I decided to elaborate since everyone seemed to believe that it's impossible for me to be celibate. "Every guy I meet turns out to be married."

"Ooh... ouch," Derek said as he winced a little bit.

"Sorry," I said to him and then continued, "or Mark."

"Okay, I'm going to sit over there now."

"Sorry," that time I said it to Addison who got up and sat at another table. As she walked away the smell of her perfume or maybe her hair came into contact with my nose, it smelt like Jasmine or something. The smell lingered as I continued to talk to Derek, "Or, remember the horrible thing I did? Remember George?"

By now he finally got it and repeated what I said earlier. "You're making a sweater."

"I'm making a sweater," I repeated to myself and continued to knit my sweater.

An hour passed and I had been hit on by a few guys, maybe coming to a bar during celibacy wasn't a good idea. I was almost tempted by one guy, but Addison walked over and saved me from going home with him. He walked away after realizing that Addison wasn't going away and then she sat down beside me and I rolled my eyes, a little annoyed that she did that even though I was glad she did. She ordered herself a glass of wine and sipped it without saying anything and I continued to knit my sweater. Derek at this point had left and said he would be back in an hour, so she was waiting for him to come back before she went back to the trailer.

She broke the silence and I was a little glad she did because I was bored. "I thought you said no more men?"

I looked up at her and smiled and then went back to my knitting, "yeah no more men, I wasn't going to leave with him." She looked at me with a disbelieving look and I laughed a little, "okay maybe I was, but celibacy is hard. You don't understand how hard it is not to have sex," she shook her head and I looked at her with questioning eyes.

"I know what it's like, but then again I didn't give up sex exactly, it was more like I was denied." She goes back to her wine and I began to wonder who would deny her sex, she's a freaking bombshell. I guess I said it out loud because she started to look at me weirdly and I cleared my throat and she looked away.

"Derek?" I asked and then automatically regretted it, but she nodded her head anyway to answer me and I placed my hand on hers and she smiled. "Can I ask you something?" She nodded once again and took a sip of her wine. "Why did it happen? I mean, why did he decide not to have sex with you?"

She was shocked by the question, I could tell, but she answered me regardless. "Not to blame you or anything, but I'm pretty sure it's because he's still in love with you. I think he feels like he's cheating on you." I remember she laughed at that, but I felt sick and I felt really uncomfortable sitting beside her now. She must have sensed that or something because I remember her then putting her hand on my thigh and telling me she didn't blame me. I don't know what got into me, maybe the atmosphere, maybe the fact that celibacy really wasn't my thing, or maybe it was the hand on my thigh moving back and forth, but I leaned in and kissed her. I still remember the kiss, the way I melted into her mouth and I wanted, needed, to feel all of her and she let me. Well she let me until we both needed to break for air. And, I remember the look of regret on her face, but lust in her darkened eyes, and I was being sent mixed messages. I quickly got up and ran into the bathroom to think about what had just happened, and I remember her following me.

"I'm sorry," I whispered and she moved closer to me and I shook my head no. "Please don't touch me," I said to her as I wiped away a tear and she passed me a paper towel and I wiped away at my eyes...

The chief's door opens and a very angry Derek is revealed and I stop pacing when the chief asks me to come in. I hesitate at first, but then I walk in and sit in the empty chair beside Addison and she looks at me and smiles a sad smile. I want to hold her hand, let her know that it's going to be okay, but I can't do that and I don't know that it will be okay. So I sit there quietly as the chief walks over to his side of the desk and then he sighs as he sits.

The chief is looking at me and I'm trying my best to look away, but I can't, and that's when I see the disappointment in his eyes. I've never really seen that look, but then again my mom didn't care enough to be genuinely disappointed and Thatcher wasn't there, so that leaves the chief, who wants to play the role of my father. Right now I'll let him. I'll let him be disappointed and I'll continue to let him scream at me, even though I'm not hearing a word that he's saying. I can't seem to grasp on to what he's saying, it's all white noise to me, but I still feel the disappointment. I look away when he's done, and I steal a glance at Derek, he's angry, very angry and I'm the cause of his anger so now I feel guilty. But then I feel Addison's hand on mines and I relax and smile quickly to let her know that I am glad to have her hand on mines.

So now I sit here, ignoring all the noise in the room and I'm trying to figure out how it got this bad. Like I said before, declaring my celibacy must have been the cause, yeah that's right. That night was the first night that it happened, after I kissed his wife, after we cried in the bathroom and after Derek saw us later that night sitting at a table. We were both drinking and he came up to me and said something, she heard him, but I didn't...

"I thought you weren't drinking," he said to me again as he sat between the two of us and this time I heard him.

I looked up from my drink and sighed and then turned to look at Addison and then back to him. I downed the rest of my drink and then get up for another two shots of tequila. When I came back Addison and Derek were both quiet, neither of them had said anything apparently and I hadn't planned on being the first to speak, but after my tequila I spoke. I remember tucking some of her hair behind her ear as I found the words I wanted to say, and I remember she flinched a little. I removed my hand and then put it on top of Derek's and smiled, he looked at her and removed his hand as if he was cheating by letting me touch him.

It was then that I finished my tequila and smiled. I turned to Derek and moved forward. "I want to go home with you," I whispered in his ear and he was shocked. He practically ignored what I said. He said something to me about drinking too much and putting me in a cab to go home. But I wasn't going home, I decided that after I started drinking and I think he figured that out when I moved in and kissed him right in front of her. She didn't say anything, just got up and walked away, and he didn't kiss me back. Instead, he walked after her. I rolled my eyes and followed them out of the bar, I don't remember how it happened, but somehow we all ended up in the car driving towards my house to drop me off.

By this point all I really wanted to do was to kiss Addison, or did I want to kiss Derek, I don't really remember, but I remember I started to unbutton my gray sweater and they both noticed from their front seats. I managed to get my sweater off and my shirt and I was sitting in the backseat with only my bra on the top half of my body. Derek pulled over and parked and Addison looked at him, I guess wondering what he was doing, which I was wondering as well. He got out of the car and walked to the front and leaned against the hood. I knew he couldn't handle being with me right now and apparently Addison couldn't either.

"Jesus, Meredith, put your clothes back on," she practically yelled at me and I looked away. Her voice was shaky even though she was yelling. I remember her looking away as she said it, but then she looked back at me and I smiled.

"Addison," I said as I reached for her hand, but she moved it away from my reach. "Look at me," I pleaded. She turned around slowly and I could see the lust in her eyes and I could also see the sadness, her eyes were a clear blue earlier that night, but at this point they were more of a gray. I did the only thing I could think to do and that was kiss to her, and she immediately pulled away and looked at Derek. He was watching and I could see the lust in his eyes too, but nobody wanted to act on this new found lust, well except for me, but they didn't. I put my shirt back on and looked out of the window and eventually Derek got in the car and looked at Addison.

Addison looked at me and then I turned to meet her eyes and then she looked away to face Derek. Derek's eyes were dark with pure lust, and I knew that look so she had to know it, which is why I guess she told him to take me back to the trailer. Both Derek and I looked at her with complete shock, I remember wondering if she was serious, but nobody dared to ask her. Instead, we drove back to the trailer in complete silence.

Addison went in the shower and I went and sat on the bed while Derek stayed far away from me. I couldn't take the silence. "What are you thinking?"

He looked up at me, and shook his head, ran his fingers through his hair and then sighed. "What are you doing here Meredith?"

I remember feeling confused, completely confused, "you brought me here. Why did you bring me here?"

"I don't know." He took off his jacket and I got up and walked over to him and sat on the counter space. I started to unbutton my sweater again and he tried to look away, but he couldn't. "What are you doing Meredith?"

I got frustrated, he knew what I was doing. "I'm taking off my sweater and then I'm going to let you take off my shirt and then I'm going to get in the shower with Addison." He looked at me, but didn't say anything, just looked at me. So I took off my sweater and stood in front of him, and he tried to move away, but I pushed my body flat against his and kissed him feverishly. He moaned into my mouth and pulled my shirt off of me and we separated so it could go over my head. He pulled me back in and kissed along my neck and I moaned and pushed myself off of him and looked at the shower. "I'm going to get in the shower first." He nodded and I removed my jeans and my panties and opened the door to the shower and stepped in.

Addison was startled when I walked in, but I quickly covered her lips with mine and she relaxed into my body. I remember how soft her lips were on mine, kissing her was different from kissing him. He kissed me hardly, while she kissed me passionately; he was fast while she was slow; it still amazes me how differently they kiss. I don't know who started the touching, but soon our hands were all over each other's wet bodies and we were moaning into each other's mouths. I didn't want to, but I had to pull away to breathe because I felt like she had stolen all of the air from my lungs, but then her lips were on my neck so I didn't mind. As her lips traveled the length of my neck I was wrapping my hands into her fire red hair. I softly pulled her back up to my mouth and kissed her again. I removed my hands and let them explore her body and she did the same to mines, my hand was on her inner thigh, quickly approaching where she wanted me when Derek opened the shower door.

We both turned to look at him, and he turned off the shower then walked to the bed and sat down. I left the shower first, but she was right behind me and...

Addison pokes me in the side and I realize that I was still in the chief's office and I blush. The three of them were looking at me, and then the chief repeats himself and I realize I was asked a question. The look of disappointment isn't there anymore, which I was happy about, but now I was uncomfortable and wanted to leave this office. But he'd asked me my side of what happened and I was still shocked by the question so I just stared at him. How was I suppose to explain what happened? And, how much did the chief actually want to know?

I clear my throat, and look away. "Uhm, well, Derek was upset and he started to yell," I clear my throat again and found it impossible to let words come out of my mouth. Addison rubs my hand and I find the strength to speak again, "okay, what happened was Addison and I were having a conversation in the cafeteria and Derek walked over and started to yell about personal things. I got upset and started to yell back at him. At this point, he wasn't my boss, he was just Derek and I don't think I should be held responsible for what happened today because he was out of line. If he wants to talk about private things, then he should do it outside work, but he decided to have the conversation here so it got out of control..." I'm interrupted by the chief and once again the words he yells just sounded like noise. After a few minutes he excuses Addison and me, but tells us not to go anywhere because he still needs to speak to us. So we go and stand on the bridge while he continues to talk to Derek.

… I remember how awkward it was at first, none of us really knew how to go about what we were going to do. I took the lead most of that night, it seemed like that was the only way I would get what I wanted. Her lips were addictive, I started to crave kissing her that very moment her lips touched mine, and I felt like I wouldn't survive if I wasn't able to kiss her. I spent a lot of time kissing Addison, so much time that I actually forgot that Derek was there most of the time. There was something about the way Addison was kissing me that let me know this wasn't just something she was doing for her husband, it told me that she most likely had been wanting this for a long time. She kissed me with passion, with so much passion that it felt like love.

I didn't kiss Derek anymore that night, it was pointless, kissing him would be like drinking wine after having whiskey. It was a complete drop, one that wasn't worth it when I had Addison under me. That night we moved like we were born to make love together, we fitted perfectly together and that's something that made it more enjoyable.

I think Derek must have been getting jealous from all the intention she was getting from me because he started to kiss on the arch of my back and his hands rubbed on my body. I'm not going to lie and say I didn't like it because I did. But I didn't enjoy it as much as I enjoyed touching Addison...

Addison puts her hand on my arm and I look at her on the bridge. I really need to stop blacking out like this. I smile at her and she puts her arm around my waist quickly and places a kiss on my cheek. And, then she moves her arm and I regret the fact that we are still in the hospital because I want nothing more than for her to put her arm back around me. And, it's that which makes my mind wander back to that first night and I feel my pulse quicken as I remember it. I close my eyes and start to remember...

I can feel the full effect with my eyes closed. Suddenly I'm back in that trailer and Addison's hands are around my neck as she is assaulting all my senses. My hands found her red hair and I pulled her closer to me, almost possessively and I remember needing to feel her close to me. I remember needing to feel every inch of her on me. She was lying on top of me on the bed, her thigh pushed against my center and my legs were wrapped around her hips, pulling her flush against me. The sound of a gasp filled my ear and I opened my eyes to see that look on her face, a look that I later will learn meant she's close to coming. Our positions were switched and I was on top of her, and she moved her fingers inside me and I put mines in her wet awaiting center. And, I remember the two of us moaning at the same time, panting at the same time and coming at the same time and that was the first time everything just felt right. And, I guess that's why when Derek tried to make me scream the way she did he failed, having sex with him was always good, but that night Addison raised the bar so high that he came nowhere near it. And, I think he knew it and I think that's why he called a cab for me instead of letting me stay the rest of the night, well morning...

I turn to look at Addison. "Did you ever think any of this would happen after that first night?"

Addison shakes her head and then puts her hand on mines and intertwined our fingers. "I hoped it would though, but never thought it would. I wanted you way before that night though. I just never knew you wanted me."

I stroke her face with the back of my hand, the first intimate touch we have shared outside my house or that trailer. "You're so beautiful," I whisper. "I've always wanted to be with you, always."

Addison looks at me and I know just by the way her eyes look that she wants to kiss me, but I knew she wouldn't. So I move in towards her and kiss her, the first time I've kissed her without the promise of sex being involved. This kiss was different, this kiss showed her that this wasn't just sex for me and I know she already knows that, but I need to make sure she does. And, when she pulls away from the kiss and looks into my eyes I know she knows for sure. And, because of that look I know it wasn't a mistake because if I never had that one-night with them both, then I never would have had all those nights with her. And, without those nights I would never get to see the look, and gosh, I love to see this look in her eyes. I look deep into to her eyes and I see promise and I know that no matter what happens when we go back into the room we will leave with each other and I'm almost sure that we will have each other for years to come.