Author's Note: This is my first attempt at writing something like this and publishing it for others to see. I hope you like it! Reviews are very much appreciated!
Chapter 1: Panic
[Barry]
It was happening again. It was the worst feeling to know it was coming and that there was nothing I could do to stop it. That knowledge just made everything worse. I was home alone, so nobody was around to help me. Not that I'd actually let anyone else know this was happening to me if given the choice. All I wanted to know was, why me?
I ran outside, thinking the fresh air would calm me down. I instantly regretted my decision when I was greeted with 110 degree air anchored to very thick humidity. Instead of walking back inside, I just kept going and power walked to the side of my house and paced back and forth, preparing for what was about to come.
I could feel my throat closing up as my lungs requested more oxygen. My heart was already pounding in my chest and thudding in my ears, deafeningly. My entire body felt like it was suffering from an adrenaline overdose. Nothing in particular triggered these attacks. I guess I should pay more attention in psychology class, maybe then I'd know what's going on with me. Ha. Yeah, right! All I know is, I have been rather stressed lately.
I could feel sweat accumulating all over my body. It didn't help that it was hotter than hell outside. Perfect timing, weather. I leaned my forearm against the side of my house and rested my head against my arm.
Please stop.. Please.
These attacks were terrifying as fuck. I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy. I would be mortified if anyone saw me like this. I probably look like a pitiful lunatic right now!
I struggled to calm myself down, but every thought seemed to make me panic more. My eyes burned as they filled with hot tears that rolled down my cheeks. Not to mention I was shaking like crazy.
"Barry?" I jumped at the familiar voice calling my name.
Fuck! Lucas.. He's the last one I want to see right now. Why am I so stupid? I could have at least stood on the side of my house where he can't see me from his own house.. Ugh!
I tried my best to force myself to put on a facade that everything was fine and face him, but instead I just stood there with my face against my arm.
I could hear his footsteps approaching me; quite quickly, actually.
"Barry, what's wrong? Are you okay?" His voice was dripping in concern.
"I-I'm fine." I managed to choke out. Even my voice was shaking. I could practically feel the frigidity of Lucas' disbelief as he stared at my back.
"Dude, seriously, I'm not stupid." He sounded thoroughly annoyed. "What's wrong? You're shaking." His tone changed quickly. God, I don't want him to see me like this. I lowered my arm and rubbed my eyes.
"I'm just sick. That's all." I gulped, turning to him. He looked so upset and worried. I was only kidding myself. If my glowing red face wasn't a tip off that "I'm just sick," was bullshit, the continually rolling tears probably were.
I quickly learned that trying to hold these feelings in was a bad idea. I felt like I was struck with another tremendous blow. I backed up into the wall and slid to the ground.
"Lucas. Come here. Please." I tried to speak quickly, using as few words as possible. I genuinely felt as if I was losing air I wouldn't get back. I realize that a few moments ago, I wish Lucas hadn't found me, but now I desperately needed him.
He ran and sat down beside me. I grabbed his hand without really caring what his reaction would be. Luckily he didn't seem to mind. He gripped it tenderly within his own.
"I'm scared. I'm so fucking scared. I feel like I'm going to die." More tears rolled out, causing Lucas to wrap his arms around me.
"You're not going to die, Barry. I won't let you. You're gonna be fine. You just need to relax." He gently rubbed my shoulder and my back.
"I'm not going to let anything happen to you." He shifted so that I was now leaning against his chest, with his head resting on top of mine. My face was nestled against his soft, red scarf. Most of my body lay in between Lucas' long, arched legs. Normally this position would have been incredibly awkward, but it felt so good at that moment. I felt more safe than I ever felt before, to be quite honest.
I swear, Lucas has the magic touch, not to mention the magic voice. The feeling of him holding me in his arms and his reassuring words began to untie the knots crushing my body. My breathing and my heartbeat began to slow down. I was feeling a ton better. Unfortunately, a terrible headache and body pains were left in my anxiety attack's wake. I guess Lucas took note of this.
"Come on, let's get you inside. It's gotta be way cooler in there than it is out here." He got up and helped me to my feet and into my house. The feeling of air conditioning upon walking in was absolutely refreshing. Lucas helped me up the stairs to my bedroom where he set me down on my bed.
"I'm going to get you some water and stuff. Just lay down and relax." Lucas commanded. I usually don't listen to Lucas when he orders me around, but I simply obeyed him this time.
He soon returned with a bottle of water, some aspirin and a cold cloth. He handed me the bottle and pills. "Here. Drink this."
I took them from him, putting the pills in my mouth and gulped down the cold water as if I just escaped a desert. He took the cloth and wiped my sweat and tear-stained face gently. It felt so good. I couldn't help but hum in pleasure.
I noticed Lucas seemed a little distressed. I wondered what was going through his mind. I was almost dozing off from him cooling me down when I felt him grab my hand.
"Barry?"
"Hmm?" I opened my eyes to see him staring down at me with a grave look on his face.
"Please tell me what's going on. What happened?" I gulped and closed my eyes for a few seconds as I tried to gather my thoughts. I couldn't lie to him. He didn't deserve my bullshit after saving my life like that.
"I promise I won't tell anyone else. I'd never do anything to hurt you, either." He continued. Man, I've never seen him so serious. Lucas was usually the serious guy in our friendship, but this was a whole new level. I must've scared the shit out of him. I'm sorry, Lucas. I never wanted you to get involved in my disaster of a life.
"I don't know, Lucas. I've been getting panic attacks out of nowhere for a while lately. I haven't been getting very much sleep. I've been worrying about life and the future, school, relationships.." The more I talked about it, the more I realized what I was all worried about and the more emotional I became. There was one thing in particular that was bothering me, but I purposely left it out. Lucas noticed I was getting upset.
"Okay, calm down." He said quietly, resting a hand on my shoulder. "Haven't you told anyone about this?"
"No. I don't really know why. I guess I don't see the point because I feel like nobody can help me anyway. As for the panic attacks.. I guess I was too embarrassed to let anyone know." I looked downward, not wanting to face Lucas. He was now gently caressing my hand and arm.
"You have nothing to be embarrassed about, Barry. Especially not with me. I wish you would have told me sooner." I sat up next to him, our shoulders and knees touching.
"I know. I'm sorry." I looked him in the eyes, he gave me a small smile before pulling me into a warm hug. I rested my head on his shoulder as he rubbed my back.
"No wonder you're having panic attacks. That's a lot to deal with on your own." Even through muffled vibrations, Lucas' voice was like sweet music to my ears.
Seriously, why didn't I just tell him what was going on? He's the best friend anyone could ever ask for. I felt so good and so safe in his arms. It's been a long time since I felt that way. His touch sent chills up my spine. I closed my eyes and listened to him breathe.
"You still with me?" He asked.
"Oh! Sorry. Yeah, ..I am." I was a little embarrassed that I was falling asleep on my friend's shoulder.
"Enjoying this, are you?" He laughs. I chuckle, too.
"Yeah, kinda.." I admit. I hope he doesn't think that's weird.
"Good. Anything to make you feel better." I smile and take that as my cue that this is over and I start to release him from the embrace.
"Well if you're comfortable, you don't need to get up." He tells me. I'm shocked and quite ecstatic he says this. I gladly return to my position as he continues to rub my back.
After a while, his reach extends up to my neck and he runs his fingers through my thick blonde hair. I was in heaven.
"That feel good?" I respond with a drowsy, but ecstatic "Mmhmm!" He seems pleased.
This situation should weird me out more than it does. Not just what we're doing, but how I feel about it. I'm loving this. I wish it would never end. I seriously just want to hold Lucas for the rest of my life . That'd make me the happiest guy on the planet.
It's weird. Here I am, enjoying the sound of his voice and loving how my hands feel small within his. I don't know what to think of this, but I do know that I'm not disliking it whatsoever.
Soon, Lucas' hand travels back down and continues rubbing my back underneath my shirt. The sudden and welcome change causes me to sigh contentedly out loud. For the first time, I notice how smooth the skin of his neck feels against my face and the feeling of his arms rubbing against mine as he grazes my back. All that along with the already amazing sensation of his fingertips running along my back makes my heart pound and I can feel myself stiffening.
"Lucas." I mumble, eyes still closed.
"Yeah?"
I hesitate for a second, "You're the best."
He laughs and replies jokingly, "Thank you. I try!"
"No. Really." I lift my head up and stare straight into his blue eyes.
"You're the best thing that's ever happened to me." Lucas' eyes widen and looks like he's at a loss for words.
I'm not sure what to say, either. So instead, I start to lean into him and close my eyes.