The dream always started out this way. Every night she would get ready for bed then stare at the ceiling for hours hoping that the memories would not claim her again. After all everyone must rest and she was no exception.
The fog surrounding her would clear and she would watch the scene play out. She always stood just off to the side of the scene watching this child like version of herself talk with him.
"Adras, I need you to get me into Skullport. I need to take the books from my temple to the temple there. I can't just leave them. I need to make sure they are taken care of. I need you to write me a note like you did for Faelor." The girl's voice was flattter then she meant for it be. Her capacity to care what others thought or even felt had been desicrated along with the her temple.
Her mother always said hindsight is perfect. Durwen had never completely grasped the truth behind this statement. She had not realized how her pain had blinded her from his. She had not realized how her words would have affected him. She could never have guessed how her words would change the world, as she knew it.
His eyes feel on hers. His face stiff and emotionless as he asked "What about the priestess? The one that was killed in your vision?" She was his mind working as he waited on the answer. It was in that moment that she tried to guess his thoughts. It was in that moment that she failed. It was in that moment that she choose the wrong course of action.
The woman watched her younger counterpart. She saw the confusion on the girls face beginning to show. Looking back the woman remembered wondering why he cared so much about one of her visions. He hadn't ever cared before. He had always seemed put off and untrusting of them. So why this one? She could remember her agitation at his uncaring manner. She had waited on kind words. She had waited for a hug, an embrace, anything that showed he cared. She had waited and the actions of compassion had not come. The pain of him not comforting her was almost unbearable. It had been what she needed the most.
"Let the other clerics of Mystra figure it out. I buried my family less then a week ago. I have enough to deal with. Let her pick on someone else for a while."
Then she saw it. The moment the light went out in his eyes. Now that she was out side of the situation she could see all the pain. He was good at hiding the emotions that were just under the skin, but he could not hide the damage she had just done.
No matter how she tried she couldn't change
the dream. She always struggled to hold onto him. Struggled to get him to
see the real her. The "her" that would never had said what she
did if she knew what she know now. She would have held him. She would have
told him that there was no way they could have saved the temple. That they
had died fighting for what they believed in. That she would be there for him.
That she needed him.
But the dream was always the same.
With the swift movements of his hands he penned out the permit that would let her into Skullport. Then, he was gone. The girl watched his image disappear into the shadows of her mind. All the woman could do was watch as the girl let him go. She screamed as she always did to get the girl to hold on. She screamed for Adras to come back, to allow her to fix things. She screamed and for the first time, since the dreams had started, the girl turned around to see where the screaming was coming from.
This time, it was different. She walked over to her younger self and held the child. The woman knew the girl would not cry, because at that point she hated too much to feel pain. She wrapped her arms around the child's shoulders to help comfort her. When the girl relaxed, she felt it was time to let her know the things the woman knew.
"You know he needed you." She began the only way she knew how. "You two are connected. You have always known you two could feel each other. Even if you could not accept it, you knew it was true."
"I felt his heart break. I didn't know how to fix it. I don't know what I did wrong. I just know he hates me. Will I be able to make things better?" The pleading in the girl's voice was obvious. She felt her heart sink knowing the answer she would have to give.
"You haven't found a way to yet, but that is why I am here. Adras has hurt many. He is destroying the lives around him because of pain he doesn't know how to deal with. He is taking out his pain on the world one innocent at a time. I need you to let go of the pain so I can go get him and set things straight."
"They killed her. She was our mother. How do you let go of pain like that?" the confusion and anger in the girls voice was startling, and all too familiar.
"Mother would have wanted us to be happy, to love again, and to fix the damage we have done. She would not want us to spend the rest of our lives consumed by the anger. That is how they live and Mother raised us to be better then the others. She wanted us to be happy and always see the light in such situations. We cannot do that while we hold on to the pain." She knew she had to help the girl see that she was not betraying their mother, that she was only doing what she knew was right.
"I am the reason he will change," the girl pulled back to look into the eyes of the woman she would become "I don't want him to hurt. I need time to grieve. I need to fix my life before I can help fix his. I can't leave my home broken and the temple destroyed." The woman allowed the girl to break eye contact first and burry herself within her chest. She felt the sobs she knew had been pinned up for too long.
"You will fix things. You will help the village and the temple in ways you could not have thought. You will be strong for them, but now you need to let me be strong for you. The girl's tears slid down the woman's throat and onto her chest. She held the sobbing child. The pain seemed to rip at the child forcing her to cling tighter to her older self to avoid being lost to it. She stroked the girl's hair, weaving her hand in and out of the silver strands.
"Yes, we are the reason he hurts others. But we may also be his only chance at salvation. He needs us. If you concentrate, you can feel his pain, and we do not have long before it will be all he knows. I need to go get him." She cradled the girl to her as she spoke. She knew the girl would her the pain behind her words, but she also knew that she would her the compassion. Her demeanor softened and her words showed the sympathy for his pain. He needed her and she knew it.
"I loved her…" the girl's voice trailed off. "I don't know how to not love her…"
"You do not have to stop loving her. We will both always love her. She was our mother. She will always know how we felt about her. But you do have to let her rest. She deserves that."
The sobs came in waves out of the young girl's heart. The dam that had stood between her and the healing shattered. Now she could only submit to the pain. As the girl's sobs began to weaken, she held her tighter.
She closed her eyes and prayed that what came next would all turn out for the best. She prayed for the strength to help him. She prayed for the wisdom she would need to council his lost heart. She prayed for the courage to face him after all that had happened. And above all of that she prayed that the Adras she knew was still in there, even if he was buried deep inside of the pain.
**********
When Durwen opened her eyes she was no longer holding her younger self. She was the only one in her room at the temple. The silence of the temple made her wonder what time of the day or night it was. She knew what she had to do; she got up and put on her chocker. He had hated her hiding her true self with it. She knew it. As much as she wished people could accept a drow being good, she knew the others wouldn't. She would never be able to complete her mission.
It wasn't until she looked in the mirror that she saw the tears staining her face. She wiped them away. They were not her tears. They were the tears of a girl, of someone who could never be. They were the tears of her innocence nothing more. This would never do. She reached for the washcloth next to the basin and began to wipe her ebony face. Her features were the same as the girls. Her silver hair pulled out of her face in the same ponytail. He almond shaped amber eyes had the same flecks of gold. Her full lips smiled the same small smile. How could they really have been the same person? She felt the change inside already. For the first time since her mother's death she felt only the sadness of loss. Slowly, she packed her bag, making sure to not forget anything.
One last thing to grab and then she would be ready. The bastard sword sat in the top of her chest. She hadn't used it since the last battle with the drow when she fought beside Adras. She had laid it down for what she thought would be the last time. It was a fool's dream to believe she would live out the rest of her life in peace. It was the dream of a child. She felt the tip of the sword find it's place in the end of the scabbard. She slid the metal in slowly. She was ready now. This time she would have to be ready to fight against him. If she couldn't reach him, the thought was almost too much to handle, she was not ready to kill yet. She would be though. If it was the only way to stop him, she would have to be.
She opened the double doors of her room. The heavy wooden doors swung back showing the white walls of hallways on the other side. The halls of the temple had always been quiet. This was her home once. This was always the safe place she could retreat to. She wouldn't be back for a while and she wanted one last look. Then before she could second-guess here actions she shut the doors behind her. She walked through the halls of the temple. She came into the training area. Usually it was a buzz with the sounds of clashing metal, but now most of the priestesses or acolytes were asleep. She was thankful for this time. The questions about him were hard enough to answer, but she knew the looks and the concerns would be harder to fend off.
The High Priestess entered the arena. She was taller the Durwen by a few inches, not that she had taken notice. Her hair was the tint of pewter and clung to her waist. They two women were opposites in almost every way. Where Durwen was petite and lithe, the priestess was broad and muscular. The high priestess was considered to an Amazon among the drow of the temple. Durwen watched high priestess quietly as she danced with her sword. She watched the movements she knew. She played out the motions in of the dance in her head as the priestess danced. Her dance came to a close and she could see the peace on the high priestess's face.
"You are packed. Are you leaving?" She heard the priestess say as she lowered her sword. The tone of her voice was flat. She knew the high priestess was looking for an answer before she gave away her feelings on the matter.
"I am going after him. I am going to bring him back home. He needs me." She prayed words sounded like she was certain of her actions and less like she was trying to convince herself.
"He has destroyed cities and slaughtered thousands. Do you really think you will be able to help him? What do you have that makes you so sure think he needs you?"
The words struck her. Everyone in the temple knew what he had been doing. Everyone also knew this was a subject that was not talked about. And now she would have to give the only answer she had.
"I have faith," she caressed the
only thing she had of his. The chill of the ring on her finger gave her the
strength she needed.
"And I know his pain. It is my pain. I don't know if I will be
able to stop him, but I know I need to try. I can not leave him like this."
"Then safe journey and be careful Durwen." The woman lowered her
head. "I know I can not stop you from walking down this road. I know
this is something you must do." Her words were distant as if she was
trying to show a faith in the woman she did not have.
With those words the conversation was over.
She made her way out side. Her horse, Jasper, stood there harnessed and saddled
ready to go. "I guess she knew this was coming Jasper. It is time to
go fix things." The soft nuzzle of the horse showed understanding. She
secured her pack to the back of the saddle. As she swung herself up on the
horse she felt a sudden since of longing. Her mother would be proud of her
"Come on Jasper or we will be here wishing things were different all
night."
The horse seemed to understand her. Without her prompting he turned to the road she always took when leaving the temple and headed towards Waterdeep.
"It is time to finish this." Her words were less for Jasper and more for herself. She didn't know how much she would have to go through to fix things. All she knew is that there would be more pain, more tears, and more blood by time it was all over. Hopefully she would be able to set this back on the proper course.
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