It was 12 months ago today, when I was 7 months pregnant that he told me.
Told me that he had less than a year to live.
Told me that the cancer was growing and defeating him. I mean, we knew he had cancer before for a few months, never thought it would end like this.
I couldn't believe it. This couldn't be happening to my husband. The sweetest, most caring person I have ever met.
We were expecting a baby boy in less than 2 months, but this disease was taking him away from us. From everything we could ever be.
I told him that he could still make it. Still live a happy life with our son and I. That he could still defeat this illness. He just broke down crying.
I felt helpless. Defenceless. Like I was alone. Everything was blank.
I remember that day clearly. Like it was just yesterday.
I was in my office and I fell to my knees. The look on his face when he told me, it was like someone turned a light off inside of him. Like someone had taken everything out if his life and crushed it into their palm.
That day, one year ago, was the day that changed my life for the worst.
I don't know whether I wanted to be told then, or not. I mean, would it change anything if he waited until the baby was born? Let us cherish our child for a little bit without worrying whether he had taken this pill, or that injection?
No, it wouldn't... And I have to deal with that.
He got really sick. By the time I was due, he had lost so much weight. He grew tired easily, and couldn't walk without using crutches and help. I couldn't help him? I was just about to give birth when he needed me the most, that's what hurts me.
He didn't see Connor being born... He couldn't get to the hospital... He always said sorry, but I told him countless times that it didn't matter as long as he was okay.
For those 5 months that he did know Connor, though, he was the best father anyone could ask for. Connor would always grin when he saw his daddy. No matter how ill he was, he always tried to do anything for me and Connor. He sung, played with him as much as his body allowed him, and done anything a normal father would do, just with some restrictions. That's why I loved him.
Gosh... I still do?
My heart aches everyday without him. My heart split into a million pieces, like glass shattering.
I feel lost. He was my shining star. My inspiration. My everything.
I will never find anyone like him. No-one that will make me feel the way I did about and with him.
But I lost him. WE lost him...
5 months today, he passed.
5 months today, I lost MY Will.