Today, my friends. I wish to tell you a story. A story where the love between a Combine Harvester and a steam train. In a world that wishes to oppress Their unending love. It is a story of joy and whimsy. But also a story of bloodshed and ignorance. So will you join me, Horace. Harvester as I recall memories that I shall never forget? I hope so. I need this story to become a best seller so that people finally realize that combine harvesters can write good stories too. That other Combine Harvester who wrote "Fifty Cranes of Hay" gives us a bad name.
Right then, Shall we begin?
It began on a cold, winter morning. My owner, Bob Mallard got out of my seat after a long hard morning of muck spreading. He looked up at me as he stood on the wet grass.
"OOOO ARRR ORACE!" He bellowed "I JUST NEED TO GO BACK TO DER FARM TO GIT A NICE OLD CUP O TEA! OOO ARR OOH AAAR!"
I watched him walk further and further across the field until he became a little dot on the horizon. He might have driven me to get back. But he seemed to enjoy the walk back. After thinking for a little bit about he literally put so much shit on my shoulders, I looked away to notice a train track a few feet away from me. Curiosity gripped me as I had never seen this train track before. I thought to myself that Bob wouldn't mind or even notice if I moved towards it. As I turned on my engine and began to spin my wheels to move myself towards the tracks. I heard the sound of a train approaching. I suddenly stopped my forward motion and silently watched. She was a sweet thing. She had Bright green paint painted on her, the number "3" painted on her in bright yellow and a funnel that never quit. I expected her to continue going. Leaving her as nothing more than a mere memory. But she stopped. I looked at her blankly. Panic hit my stomach but I decided I'd fight through it and talk to her. She could start moving at any moment and I didn't think I could live with myself if I just let her go without saying a word. So I slowly approached her till I was close enough for her to hear me.
"Ello thar." I said in my awkward farmer accent that I had developed from Bob "Is thar a problem keepin' you from going down them there tracks?"
She giggled at me. "Hello there old chap." She replied in an upper class British accent "Leaves on the track again. You know how us trains are. If we even touch the things we just die."
I managed to force a laugh past my anxiety. "I'm goin' to cut rite down to dah chase. This is darn awkward...but will you...Clean my exhaust pipe, my dear?"
Her funnel exploded in a glorious puff of smoke. It took awhile for her to calm herself and stop the stream of smoke. But she eventually did.
"I'd love to, my love" She said with a hint of disappointment evident in her voice. "But I can't. I don't have any hands"
"Well, do yeh just desire ta talk for a while den?" I replied.
"I'd very much like that." She replied with a smile. Or at least she would of smiled. If she had a face. We then proceeded to spend hours upon hours of talking about each other. We learnt so much about each other in that short time. And we grew quickly in love. But all of a sudden...this love was ripped from us. As soon as I heard the scream of "OO ARR OOOH ARR! WHAT DE DEVIL DO YEH THINK YUR DOIN' ORACE?" from behind me. I turned around to face Bob.
"Please, father." I replied "This is my new girlfriend. Please don't scream at her."
Anger struck his face. "YER NEW GURLFRIEND!? WE'LL SEE ABOUT DAT." he said as he picked a leaf up from the ground.
I screamed "FATHER! NO!" at the top of my lungs in an attempt to stop him. But it was too late. He threw the leaf at my new girlfriend and the results were horrifying. So terrible that I still have nightmares about it to this day. I remember it in detail and yet it seems impossible to describe. She exploded and imploded. Shrunk and grew. Spun but didn't spin. Jump but didn't jump. Turned into a stripper and back again. And finally, she took off out of the Earths atmosphere upwards in a straight line. Never to be seen again. Bob was seemingly satisfied with this and walked away with a smile on his face. Anger and sorrow welled up in my stomach. I was about to yell at him. But suddenly my surroundings melted around me, leaving me in space with another combine harvester standing in front of me. I knew who he was from my time at combine harvester church as a little combine harvester. He was the combine harvester god!
"ARE YOU JUST GOIN' TO LET HIM FUCKING KILL YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND FURTHER TARNISH RELATIONS BETWEEN THE HUMANS AND THE TRAINS? YOU KNOW WHAT THE PREVIOUS TRAIN VS HUMANS WORLD WAR WAS LIKE, HORACE!" He screamed at me in a manly voice.
"But I can't do anything!" I meekly replied. "He's my dad...and I do love him..."
"DON'T BE SUCH A FUCKIN' PUSSY! HE KILLED YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND YOU NEED TO FUCKIN' TAKE REVENGE FOR THAT! IF YOU DON'T, WHAT'S GOING TO STOP HIM FROM KILLING MORE SEXY ASS TRAINS? BRUTAH?!"
A feeling that I had never felt before boiled in my stomach. A strange mix of courage and rage.
"You know what! You're right! Send me back to earth! I'm going to fuck that asshole up!"
"GOOD! I KNEW I COULD TRUST YOU, SON! I SUMMON THE POWER OF COMBINE HARVESTER SEAMEN IN THE UNIVERSE AND PLACE ALL OF IT'S POWER INSIDE OF YOU, HORACE!"
I suddenly blinked and found myself back in the field again.
"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOB! I screamed. Bob turned around to face me. And suddenly I felt empowered. "FUUUUUCK YOOOU BOOOOB!" I yelled as I suddenly shot mutlicoloured lasers at him. Melting his skin into mush. This is when I was struck by a horrfying sight. The skin was just a desguise. Bob was actually the T-800 from the Terminator franchise the entire time.
"TIME TO BECAWN TERMINATED HORACE! YAWGH. HUH HAHHHH!"
With that he rushed towards me and placed both hands onto me. Rendering me unable to move. Suddenly both of the red dots in his eyes were replaced with dual count-down timers that counted down from 10.
"I'LL KEEL US BAWTH! YOU'VE SEEN TO MAWCH HORACE!"
"NO! YOU CAN'T!"
The counter slowly counted down over what felt like hours. When it finally reached 10 we both exploded an died.
THE END.
Wait? How am I writing this you ask? WELL SURPRISE! I WAS A GHOST ALL ALONG!