Oh and I did "borrow" a couple of jokes from some other fics here and there and I will give credit down bellow so hold your horses.
This AU is a collective of all the LoZ games that have characters that just irk the hell out of me. Not ALL of the games do, so I'm just going to tell you which ones are going to be thrown in. More notably: TP WW OoT OoS OoA. Most characters from the other games are just reused. so.... ON WITH THE STORY!
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Link's day would be just fine... if it weren't for the fact that he was being chased down. He sprinted across hyrule field never stopping once. It had been three weeks. THREE WEEKS! Link Looked up at the sky still sprinting. 'Why do I seem to have unlimited endurance? I haven't slept since my adentures began what's up with that? Oh well it comes in handy. I suppose I should thank whatever god decided to bestow that upon me. But It sometimes feel like some strange force is controlling my every move,' he continued pondering the subject ________________________________________________________________________________________
Else where, Shigeru Miyamoto (or Miyamoto Shigeru for linguistic purists) sat up and sneezed. He looked at the monitor and said "Shit, he's on to me!"
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Back to Link, Link turned cocked his head to see behind himseld and saw nothing. But suddenly, the beings that our hero fears most appeared on the horizon. 'Oh my lord it's...' Link shuddered and decided to not finish the thought. Link continued sprinting until another sprinter came up beside him.
"Heeeeeey! Mr. Link I have a letter for you." said the Queer mailman in short-shorts. Link grimaced for a second but then turned his head facing the mailman with a friendly smile and accepted the letter. Still running for his dear life, He oppened the letter and what did it say?
"Hey sweety! Enjoy your virginity while you can!" It was signed anonymously
"Well that concludes my business. Onward to Mail!" shouted the flamboyantly gay mailman. He ran into the distance only to be struck by a bolt of lightening was sent down by 'god' (you all know who) and struck him down out of pity for Link.
Link Looked down to the letter in horror. He was sweating profusely, although it might've been, oh I don't know, maybe the SPRINTING. But Link had another wake up call. Hoofbeats. He turned his head only to see several horses gaining on him. 'Mother of God' thought Link, 'How do I escape now? Oh wait, Epona... Duh man three weeks and I could've been riding.' Link pulled out the horse call, the onlything SLIGHTLY useful that Ilia ever had a hand in (although it's still pretty useless), and blew it to call out to Epona.
Now, Link expected Epona to come, what he did'nt expect was the extra... erm, luggage. Epona came up from behind with Ilia of all people riding on her. Link looked on in horror as Ilia mercilessly wipped his poor horse to force it to catch up with him. Link was so horrified that he stopped dead in his tracks. Bad move. The Horsemen were all over Link like wolves on a rather rare and delicate cut of meat. Which is quite ironic considering Link's twilight form. The horsemen all surrounded Link and Removed there hoods and Ilia Blinked stupidly.
And there they were, Zelda, Ilia, Telma, Ruto, Malon, Saria, Naburoo (I think that's how you spell it. The Spirit Sage), Din (the oracle), Naryu (the oracle), and... Midna? The last one through Link for a loop, but before he could do anything all the women arround him dismounted and mobbed him. There was a cacophony of noise that pierced Link ears. And for some reason Ilia was asking Link for muffins although he could not figure out why.
After scrambling for his life and losing various articles of clothing, Link had something snap. He turned arroung and yelled "WAAIIIIIT!" Every thing stopped. All the bitches- I mean girls- were in pure shock.
"He speaks!" said one of them.
"He can actually talk?" said another.
Link was in no mood for this. "Go away." he said flatly. The girls were still in shock, some in tears. "I don't like any of you. You can all go home."
"But why?" cried out a flustered Saria.
"Yeah why after you proposed to me?" yelled Ruto
All the other bit- I MEAN Girls- glared daggers at Ruto. The moron-ILIA- was the first to action. "Uh- uh, He's my fiance!" yelled
And thus broke out the bitchfight. Link sweatdropped and tried to wait patiently. Tried. "SHUUUT UUUP!" and the violence stopped. Link whirled towards zelda. "You! you I definitly don't like cause I have to save you ass constatly." Zelda looked like her heart had been gored out, oh but Link wasn't finished. "Haven't you ever noticed that nearly all of Hyrule's trouble is a byproduct of one of your little fuck ups? Hmmmm? Well I ber you do on purpose cause of that rapecomplex so you just leave your window open for Ganon to waltz right in." By this time Zelda was in tears and on the floor sobbing.
Link then spun arround to Illia and Punched her in the temple. Illia went down. "YOU! you constantly torture my horse and steal my boxers! And how do you get amnesia from getting shot in the lower back? Do you have any idea how stupid that is?" Ilia looked unfazed and popped right up humming off tune and thought it'd be a good time to ask link for muffins. Link had enough so he tied a length of rope arround her kneck thanking 'god' for once that she was too stupid to realize what he was doing. He tied the other end to Epona's saddle. "Epona want some payback?" Epona whinnied in responce and Link slapped her flank and of she went dragging Ilia with her. Ilia eventually had her kneck broken.
Link turned to Saria, "I am NOT a pedophile." And with that Saria burst into even more tears.
Link turned to Telma "YOU'RE old enough to be my mother! come on! Find a guy your OWN age." Telma blinked twice.
"Why I never, I'm only Twenty-three." said Telma in a huff. At this EVERYONE sweatdropped
Link turned to Ruto. "WHAT THE FUCK?! JUST WHAT THE FUCK. That's just plain wrong"
"But Link you proposed! you took the zora saphire!" exclaimed Ruto. Link Smacked himself in the face. "Look I had know clue until about SEVEN YEARS LATER that that thing was some kind of engagement ring. Besides Zelda was the one who asked for it. I was just the middle man. So technically your engaged to Zelda" Both Ruto and Zelda looked Horrified.
Link turned to Din. "You are a hooker and we all know it so don't even bother." Din was not surprizingly unfazed.
Link then turned to Malon. "We all know you're crazed, not to mention the fact that you keep freakin' calling me fairy boy! Besides you always sleep with your horses! that's just not right." Malon's face was flushed.
Now facing Naburoo. "Why're you even here? Did you just think I took your booze or something?" Naburoo looked heavily insulted.
Round to Naryu. "You're nothing but trouble and always have been. You are just way to troublesome for either or our goods." Naryu was pouting childishly.
Finnally to Midna. "Do I really need to say anything?" Rather than crying Midna cursed in Twili under her breathe.
"Oh don't pull that crap on me. I saw how heart-broken you looked when I broke the mirror." said Midna slyly
Link shook his head and retorted "Maybe that's cuz I'm COMPASSIONATE most of the time. Besides if I were to bed with you, you'd probably show up in black leather with a whip." said Link dryly.
"Christ you need to pick one of us wolfie."
Link blanched at this and was about to say something but Ilia cut him off. How she survived no one will know. "LINKY!" came the the horrid sound that made everyone want to claw out their eardrums. But, suddenly the Great Fairy appeared (NOT the one from OoT *shudders* You know the blue haired topless one from TP that made half the male players jump up and say HELL YA when the saw her?) and zapped Ilia into oblivion.
Link turned around. "Thanks"
"Oh it was no problem, great heroe," came that smooth silvery voice. Although Links momentary happiness was not long lived as Tingle and Makar (The korok with the fiddle) flew down from the sky yelling: "LINK WE'RE GAY FOR YOU!" The Great Fairy took care of them in a similar manner as she did ilia. The great fairy put her hand on Link's cheek as she always does. "Is there anything else you require."
Link blushed slightly and replied: "Oh no, you've done more than enough for me already." The Fairy smiled and nodded.
Now if you think the women who were chasing Link earlier were just fine with this, you are dead wrong. Midna stood her full heighth "What the fuck Link? don't tell me you're with the Fairy!" at this Link spun arround face a shade to put a baboon's ass to shame.
Then came Link's highly thought out and wity reply of "Wha"
Now for some reason the Great Fairy giggled and put a knowing hand on Link's shoulder. "Ah, is the heroe attracted to me"
Link face accomplished the impossible by going even darker. "Ummm, well I'd be lying if I said otherwise." said Link still embarassed.
"Great Heroe we fairies do require our mates to be pure of heart.... But you seek to more than qualify"
"But he tried to kill Ilia" shouted out someone.
The fairy smirked "The motives change that, besides he was doing the world a favor"
The Girls mobbed to stop the fairy from taking their Link. But the fairy, although still wearing her soft smile, Had her eyes give of a steely look that stopped the mob in their tracks and froze them in fear (Bleach fans, just think Unohana.) The fairy then teleported herself and Link to her Faery's Glade. Link was still blushing. The Great Fairy turned to Link with a soft smile "Heroe I won't force you to do something you do not wish to do." Link looked up in surprize. It was the first time someone had ever told him that. Link just shook his head and smiled. 'Looks like he's not talking anymore' thought the fairy.
After several months of bliss the Great Fairy decided it was time to put her new 'mate' to use and started to do those little coy things she always does (Zelda fans who worked the butts of unlocking the fairy's tears know what I'm talking about), and one day it was the day the would copulate. And when Link finnally pulled off his leggings for her a large heavy object fell down and hit the floor with a low dull 'thud'.
All the Great Fairy could say was "Damn..."
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A.N. The two jokes I borrowed were the muffin refferece from 100 ways to kill Ilia and Zelda's Rape complex from A Bar of Soap.