A/N – This is the first part of the 3 part final installation of what has turned out to be a canon based 'trilogy'. (is anyone else confused yet? Cause I so very very am,) Anyway, this one was a challenge posed by Nevermore but I took up the gauntlet. If you read, hope you like, if you do, thank her... if you don't, as usual... blame me.
The Waiting Game – SN fic, pt 1.
by: sifi.
Disclaimer: All I get out of it is pure joy and a deeper love for the boys.
Love – Deepening daily.
--
...Oh yeah... that would be tonight wouldn't it? God I hope Sam doesn't remember, I'm gonna hafta find a way to ditch him so he doesn't see... no telling what the runt'll do if he actually sees... he'd give in, he'd embrace that bit of demon blood in him then he'd think there's no turning back... he'd become a self fulfilling prophecy... nuh uh, not MY boy... ain't gonna let that happen, he snapped the newspaper straight then folded it over to focus on the story he was pretending to read, Man I'd love to get a little action once more before, what is it about death that makes a guy wanna do just about any girl in ten mile radius?... wonder if she'd mind... nah... probably wouldn't feel right anyway, not that it would feel wrong... heh...yeah alright... I guess not then.
"Thanks," he grinned at the sound of his coffee cup refilling.
"Welcome sweetie, can I get either of y'anything else?" Amy asked, her nametag skewed cockeyed on her spotty pink uniform. She wasn't the kind that would readily catch someone's eye, but she had a contagious smile both the boys had noticed, and she radiated an aura of ease and contentment they found they envied.
"No thanks Amy, just the check please," Sam smiled, wishing he had his laptop with them, wishing he could bury his face behind something like Dean was doing, wishing he could turn back the clock or find a way to deny the date on the newspaper.
Maybe he doesn't realize the date, I just gotta play it cool, he felt something straining, the walls of his throat as they tried to close, as they reflexively held back yet another round of pleas, and epithets that would only end in more tears for him, and maybe even make his big brothers' last day on earth even worse.
"Find anything?" he asked draining the last of his own coffee.
Dean shook his head, "Nothing looking too strange, at least not around these parts..."
Sam nodded, "... be right back..."
Before the bathroom door finished closing his phone was out of his pocket, his finger scrolling automatically to Laura's number.
'This is Laura, please leave a message,' her voicemail instructed.
"Laura! Where are you?! It's Sam... I need to talk to you! Please! Call me back as soon as you can! There isn't much time! Please... it's about Dean!" the urgency was unmistakable despite his hushed tone. She's... oh God what if she's gone again? What if something's happened to her? She's GOT to answer! She's GOT to call back! She HAS to come for him! She just HAS to! She's GOT to SAVE HIM! He leaned against the door, the hollow pressboard thumping in time with his hammering heart. Sweat wanted to tingle forth as did tears but he wouldn't allow either of them passage. I'm NOT going to screw up what could be his last day on earth... there's still an option... No! I promised! That was when I thought I could find another way... time is almost up... I PROMISED! Would I really give him up that easily? For a 'promise'? What kind of brother AM I? he waited, listening for some internal response, he waited some more, We'll see... but in the back of his mind he heard another voice, one he didn't instantly recall ever hearing before despite the twitch that ran just beneath his skin pulling his shoulder blades together. A memory of vague pain slashed across his low back when it said, 'You're weak...'
"So... there's nothing around... you got any ideas geek boy?" Dean mumbled around the last forkful of crispy hash browned potatoes on his plate once Sam returned.
Sam shook his head leaning back, his belly twitching like a bass drum, "Uh uh..."
"Dude you okay? You look terrible..." Dean grimaced, Sam had left the table looking perfectly fine, "You look like hot wax about to melt..." Who's gonna take care of him from now on? He won't give up hunting... I gotta call Bobby... he's gonna hafta team up with him, God Sam... I'm sorry man... but I couldn't leave you... it's not enough time! I need more time!
The youngest Winchester shook his head, "...I dunno... maybe breakfast isn't sitting right..." 'You're weak... you can save him... all for the price of a promise...' "Oh man..." he groaned sliding down further into the booth. His body felt as if it were filling with hot black muck that slowed everything, gummed up his 'works' bringing unaccustomed weight to his sense of self.
"Sam?" Dean lurched from his side of the table to his brothers' reflexively checking the clock on the wall, it's only 11:35, I made the deal about 2:45 in the morning, there's more than fourteen hours left! So help me she better not double cross this Winchester! his mouth hung open watching Sam's pallor move toward translucence, "God Sam what did you do?" he whispered urgently, heat rising through the layers of his clothes with a cascade of memories that had come so much more frequently now through the last year. When Sam was 13, he'd been sent home from school with a fever and a bellyache, he'd stumbled through the door, his hair hanging in soaking dark ropes. Dean had been out in the rear lot working on the impala, changing the shocks when a chunk of rust flicked into his eye.
"Son of a bitch..." he raced to the sink flushing the dangerous debris as quickly as possible, "Damn man... that hurts..." he'd blinked his vision back, his eyes falling on the dark lump on the couch, "Dad?" he'd called first then realized it had to be Sam. "Sam? What..." his head turned toward the microwave, it was just after 1 p.m. "Sam?" he'd called again, his chest and belly cinched, his heart thudded that much harder, he could feel it against his sternum and vibrating in his throat, "Sammy?" he moved into the living room shoving the coffee table out of the way, his hand turning his little brother from his side onto his back, heat radiating from his body despite the cool clamminess that reminded him of that time he'd tried to eat octopus because some girl he was dating wanted him to.
"What's wrong Sam?" he'd asked grasping the note clutched in his hand.
"Hurts Dean... something's wrong..." he'd groaned, his knees tight to his chest while his body trembled.
"Bellyache and fever?... Son of bitch... Where's it hurt Sam?" he asked picking up the phone from the end table, his fingers dialing 911 as his little brother clutched his lower abdomen.
He could still hear the voice of the operator, clear and strong in his ear, "911 what's the nature of your emergency?"
"I think my brother's having an appendix... attack... or whatever... and my car's not running..." he gave their information quickly. It seemed that seconds stretched into hours while he sat on the floor beside his anguished little brother waiting for the ambulance, but they'd come. The doctors had removed an appendix nearly moments away from rupturing and Sam eventually forgot what that particular pain felt like. If I hadn't got that flake of rust in my eye his appendix might've burst without us ever knowing and he coulda died from the complications... is anything really just 'chance'?
"Nothing... I promise... nothing... just... oh God... Sorry man... sorry..." he grunted shaking his head.
"T'sokay... s'okay... you think you need a doctor?" Dean asked as Amy returned with a stack of damp paper towels and furrowed brows.
"Sweetie what's wrong? What's the matter?" she asked reaching past Dean to place the back of her hand against Sam's forehead, "He's cool... too cool..." she said to the elder brother, "You're gonna need to get him to a doctor hon... that ain't right, gotta get some heat in him..." she offered.
"Here that Sammy? You finally get a girl to think you're 'too cool' and it's cause you're sick..." he joked through the tension in his throat, "... okay... doctor it is..."
"No... no hospital, no doctor... please... not today Dean..." his teeth snapped together, barely missing his tongue, Not today... I just wanna spend the day with you... God what's happening? Please... I don't care if the bitch reneges, just give me our whole last day together PLEASE! "Motel... Please... just need to rest..." his eyes swam glassy and bloodshot, while not for the first time, the souls of the two last Winchester men seemed to touch in unspoken understanding.
Guess he remembered after all, son of a bitch, "Okay... okay c'mon Sam..." He's supposed to be fine! He's supposed to live his Normal Natural Life! that BITCH! If this is her doing... I am so gonna claw my way out of hell just to drag her mangy ass down! I'll feed her to her own damned hounds and see how she likes it! Dean slid from the booth pulling a twenty from his wallet while Sam's fingers clawed the table and his forearms strained to pull him back up. "Here y'go Amy... you've been really great these last couple days, thanks for everything," he smiled softly, a sorrowful sincerity shining unguarded from his eyes as he handed the bill to her, "I wish it could be more... but keep the change okay."
Hot pink tinted her cheeks, giving her a shove just over the line from plain to pretty as Sam's hand grasped the back of Dean's jacket while he pushed himself to his feet against the table.
Not quite sure what to say or how to respond to the odd sense of warm genuineness she now felt emanating from this man whose nature was kept sequestered behind an emotional wall the likes of which she'd never before encountered, she turned her eyes to the one thing he seemed to stand vulnerable before, his little brother, "Feel better now Sam... and don't be afraid if y'have t'go to the hospital... it's more of a clinic anyway... but they're nice folks and they'll take good care of ya okay?"
"...anks..." Sam nodded leaning on Dean, his face without a droplet of color save the blue veins that shone scarily through.
She watched the boys go out the door, then dashed after them, helping Dean get the taller man into the passenger seat.
Watching them pull out onto Main, a strange sense of finality danced in the periphery of her awareness.
--
"So help me Sam if you did something..." Dean glanced at his little brother slumped beside him in the impala, his arms waxy and losing opacity fast, were crossed almost as they'd been on that far away 13 year old day.
"I didn't... I swear to God Dean...I made a... ahhh GOD! I made a... Promise!" he gasped rolling forward, his expression agonized, "... just... shutupshutupshutup!..." he ground through clenched teeth.
"Alright y'know what... no... you're goin' to the hospital... this isn't right..." Dean growled pressing down on the accelerator, not even sparing a glance at the motel as it streaked past the window.
"No Dean! No please... it's okay... it's just shit in my head man... that's all..." Sam pleaded, pushing himself up between the dash and the door then grasped Dean's arm, "It's... it'll go away... really... just have to prove I mean business..." his attempt to smile was shaky at best and he knew it. He could see it in Dean's eyes, "Please... it's your last day Dean... don't make me spend it... not with you...please..."
He'd pulled the car to the curb, his eyes scared and hot on Sam's, "What's in your head?" he asked.
Sam shook his head.
"Either you tell me or I'm taking you to the freaking hospital!"
"At the motel... I'll tell you there..." he bargained, just don't make me go away Dean, please... 'awww whassa madder widdle sammy? scared to be all alone in the big bad world without big brother to hold your widdle hand huh? Paaaathetic... A lifetime of wanting, a lifetime of weakness... the only hint of will to call your own lost in the moment you walked out on them...' Well then it's only fair I let him walk out on me now isn't it you son of a bitch... whatever the hell you are... 'told you before bucko... I'm the only thing that stands between the only person you got in this whole big bad world, and death... I'm the only hope there is for your sorry ass... yeah... why don't you just call me hope?' he could feel it laughing inside him, this thing he now remembered he'd heard before, this thing that wanted to use him even as he traveled the paths shown him with the Dryad's kiss. ...they saved me before... I didn't need you then and I don't need you now! 'Yes boy... yes y'do... you're gonna watch that bitch's hounds tear your brother apart in front of your face and you're gonna deserve to see it you self serving, soul-less waste of a buck three ninety eight in salts and minerals! and I'm gonna go skinny dipping in the thimble full of tears you might deign to shed, so have a chaw on that why don't cha'...
"I made a FUCKING PROMISE!" Sam's alto pin balled around the motel room, drawing Dean from the bathroom with a cool rag in his hands and an almost comically stunned expression on his face.
I didn't even think he KNEW that word... he thought moving to Sam's side to trade this cloth for the hand towel that was hot and almost dry now behind his neck. He'd no sooner got him from the car than his temperature had skyrocketed, the color started returning to his skin, shielding from Dean's view the sight of his broad, strong blue tinged veins beneath. There'd been a moment when Dean could have sworn he'd been able to see a few of them shudder within their almost transparent housing as blood was pushed through them. He'd also found himself oddly fascinated by the sight in spite of his fear.
"C'mon Sammy... talk to me dude..." he frowned wiping the sweat from his little brothers' brow, his mind once more floating back to yet another memory, another fear that had almost felt like this one, in some ways more, and in some ways less, but back then he'd had countless days, an eternity of moments he knew would be filled with him, and Sam and John. It was all so simple then...
"Dean," Sam sighed, his lips curling up in a faint smile, his eyes came open, met Dean's, then closed again, but his breathing did not re-alter. Dean knew he was still conscious, perhaps just tired.
"How're you feeling now?" Dean asked, checking his watch, 12:03... what the hell was that? Food poisoning? Gas? Attempted possession?
Sam nodded, "Better... was weird... but better..."
"Is the..." great he's hearing voices... God tell me that demon blood didn't leave something in him... I know Laura got the demon out of him, well the one that came with him from... y'know I still don't get that... unless it's part of him... if that's the case... maybe I should mention it in the letter... nah he hasn't found it yet... he woulda said something... I woulda known... "...the voice still yammering in there?" he asked.
"It's trying to..." Sam nodded pushing himself up on his elbows, "Water?"
"Yeah sure..." Dean handed a bottle to him waiting patiently while a few more of the last minutes of his life ticked past.
He could feel Sam over his shoulder, almost half his own body swallowed up in a dish towel while his hand slapped his baby brother on the back, his ears pricked toward the noise he wanted to hear. When the wet warmth made itself known through the back of his shirt he grimaced then held Sam up in front of him, only to find those chubby legs kicking joyfully until they connected with his forehead.
"Sam!" he could hear himself call with frustration while his baby giggled and squirmed in his hands. "Gross Sammy!... Dad! Sam puked on me!" he'd hollered making sure to lean forward as he pulled his brother into his lap then proceeded to wipe the milky formula goo from around his mouth and off his chin and neck.
"Dean?" Sam asked waving his hand in front of those jade greens that had never NOT been in his life. Till today... '...choice...' SHUT IT! "Dean?!" he chuffed more sternly, but added a snap of the fingers this time, bringing his brother back. "Y'okay Dean?" he asked sitting up, almost all of his color restored and back to normal, in fact, starting to feel as he had before breakfast. Fine... aside from the fact that my brother's got a date with a hellbitch and her demonic dogs tonight... I feel almost, physically at least, normal again... what the hell?
"What?" Dean asked noting Sam's blatant confusion.
"I feel better, like almost... perfectly normal now... Dean what the hell is going on?" Sam asked.
The elder brother shook his head, "I don't know... why don't you tell me what started it and we'll see what we can find out from there?"
"Dean no... can't we just leave the wolf out the door..." Sam blanched at his statement.
"Funny...if only we could... c'mon... we've lived our whole lives surrounded by weirdness... what's one more day of it huh?... Long as you keep your promise, I want you to quit this gig Sam..."
"C'mon Dean let's don't do this again..."
"You were holding something back! You're planning something Sam, don't think I don't know you! I know you better than you know yourself! And you're hearing some freaky voice in your head now? What's it telling you to do... huh? What's it saying? Give in to the darkside Sam...? Cause that's bullshit!..." he prowled the length of the room before his little brother, Why the hell didn't I push for more? Why... damned BITCH! but I couldn't risk Sam, and she totally played it... God I'm gonna take her down!
"No... strength," Sam shook his head.
"What?" Dean stopped his pacing, to look at his little brother.
"Strength... I don't know what it is... but it's not the first time it's talked to me..."
Dean cocked his head to the side thinking hard for a moment before recalling that time just over a year ago, when Sam, before Jake had killed him, when he'd almost done the deed himself. "Back when we were in the woods, when the Dryad did her thing... after you came through the... thing... and we were coming home... you were delirious... You said something like, 'IT says I'm weak...' Sam is it the same thing?" he asked.
"Are you sure you don't have a photographic memory?" Sam asked clearly impressed. He's always been great with dates, names, creatures, places... it's gotta be... that's just, too obscure for it to be anything else... what else did I never take the time to appreciate about you Dean?
Dean shrugged then sat before Sam who in one of these last few hours together told him what he wanted to know, holding nothing back.
--
"You knew?" Sam breathed incredulous.
"Yeeeah..." Dean nodded with a shy half smile, slowly drawing in the line from his rented fishing pole while Sam recast his.
Once whatever it was that plagued Sam had passed, and the telling of his first experience with 'the voice' was done, he'd asked his big brother what he wanted to do. He'd expected carousing, watching a game, even picking up a girl (since Laura wasn't around and hadn't yet returned his call), anything but fishing, well anything but fishing or volunteering to spend his last hours calling BINGO at an old folks' home. Sam was secretly glad fishing had won out.
"For how long?"
Dean shrugged, "I don't know... six maybe nine months now... when the memories started coming back full force... I'm tellin' you dude, I never woulda thought four and a half years could hold so freakin' many memories, or that they could be important..."
"Why didn't you tell me!?" Sam launched himself from the green and gold lawn chair, alternately grinning and shaking his head while he ran his fingers through his hair, "... I've been..."
"It doesn't matter Sam, look I know it's one of those things that tears you apart man, but you gotta understand... aw hell... you always did suck at science..." Dean groaned shaking his head.
"Excuse me... Mister 'isn't boron some kind of laundry detergent?'...?" Sam ribbed good naturedly.
"Funny... I don't mean that kind of stuff Sam, I mean REAL science... listen, your visions, and anything else you can do that you don't know about... it's all just variations on forms of energy, think about electricity right? Good stuff yah? Without it there'd be no TV, radio, cell phones, or tasers that we can jack up to almost get me killed..."
"I was gonna say that..." Sam smiled sitting back down, stretching his feet out in front of himself.
"Point is... it's neutral... it's not good or bad in and of itself, it's all in how you use it... just like any kind of power..."
"So you're saying I should just go ahead and use it?" Sam asked opening another couple beers for them both.
"No doofus... not if you don't want to, what I am saying is I don't think you should be afraid of it... the source of the sword makes no difference to the enemy it kills..." he muttered around the bottle, "not in the real world anyway..."
"Have I ever told you you can be downright scary sometimes Dean?" Sam smiled shaking his head in wonder at all the facets he was still uncovering.
--
"Damnit!" Dean groused wincing as the cardboard carrier slipped from his fingers, the empty bottles jingled then seemed to jump out of their pockets, two of them shattering on the sharp rocks as he thrust the fishing poles and bait bucket across the counter to the shopkeeper.
"I got it..." Sam smiled against a faint frown, He's getting nervous... Dean doesn't drop beer bottles, even empties... "You wanna..." his throat stuck so he tried again keeping his eyes on the ground, seeking brown fragments of glass so he wouldn't have to look up and see his brothers' eyes darkening in fear, "It's uh... getting... are you hungry? You wanna go get something to eat?" Do you want to go to the crossroad and wait? Do you want me to whip up some gupha dust and stick you in a closet? or a vault? or... someplace we can both fool ourselves into thinking it's safe? Why hasn't Laura called back? What the hell is wrong with her?! Doesn't she know... course she doesn't... not unless he told her... he looked up, "Did you tell Laura?" he asked.
"Heeeeell No! What are you nuts?! She'd kill me!..." Dean frowned, Did I tell her? Is he crazy? Last thing I need is for her to go off half cocked and do something stupid to put Sam or herself in danger...
"Or go make her own trade..." Sam nodded.
"Tell me you didn't say anything to her..." Dean cocked his head to the side.
"No!... I did call her though... I'd hoped she would have called back by now, or showed up... at least then you could've... you know... spent at least a little time together..." Sam blushed.
"Don't tell her Sam..."
They threw the empties in the dumpster, taking their time in the waning afternoon to return to the impala, maybe in some hope that if they didn't move, or moved slowly, that time itself would do so in some kind of sympathetic response.
"I won't lie to her Dean, but I won't volunteer the information either... she deserves to know the truth though..." he shouldered his big brother who nodded.
"Yeah, just make sure I'm a load of dust in the wind before you tell her anything... can't resurrect ash... hey... you want some help getting the pyre together?" he asked, Boy that's weird... it's like making my own funeral arrangements... I don't know if I can do this... I don't have any choice, I won't let Sam down... he deserves a chance to live a good life... all this demon darkness crap... it shoulda been on me anyway... not him... I'm the oldest, I'm the first born... it shoulda been me that was... yeah, not Sam... Damn you mom...
Sam swallowed hard against the mist that clung to his eyes, I can't look, I can't see him right now... I'll cry damnit... it's not fair! "No... I think Bobby's still got the scaffolding we used for dad...Dean... I can't do this man... Don't make me do this..." he pleaded keeping his eyes straight ahead and cast downward though he scrubbed the tears from his cheeks with his hand.
"Do you think I want to die Sam? I don't... never have, not in the hospital after the crash, not when I tased myself to my own deathbed, not when that dragon bitch tried to roast me from the inside out, and not now..." he shook his head, his posture and gaze a mirror to his little brothers'.
"How can you... how can you take it so lightly? How can you just..." Sam shook his head, sniffing again.
"I don't want to leave you behind, but we both know, this all started with the rawhead incident... if it hadn't been for my stupidity back then... maybe we... I wouldn't have been able to be led to this..."
"So it's my fault... my fault for finding Roy, for his using Marshall Hall to heal you..." Sam spat, I can't believe he's gonna lay this at MY feet! He think's its all my fault too! I can't live like this, I can't live with the weight of your death around my neck Dean!
"No, no Sam, listen to me I've been thinking about this a LOT... I think all that was supposed to happen, really, if I hadn't nearly killed myself that night, there's no telling how many more people Roy's wife would have killed, so I think we were supposed to find out about it, out of need... then do something y'know? it's just that now, God, the Universe, fate, whatever... the scales need to balance... and I'm the one keeping them out of balance..." he tried to explain, I can't explain this right... it's just another way of saying what's dead should stay dead... I mean sheesh...even on my last day I can't get it right... sorry Sam.
"Oh so now you think it's part of YOUR destiny to be dead but not mine to go darkside?"
"It's not the same thing Sam and you know it!"
Sam sniffed and nodded, he knew, and he knew Dean was right, but it didn't make it any easier. Damn you Dean! Don't go where I can't follow!
--
tbc
Please R&R.
Thank You.
sifi