Fate lay back against the pile of pillows trying not to watch as Nanoha, still walking with a slight limp, headed towards the bathroom. She wondered how long she had left. Those dreaded words "I think I'll be able to manage by myself now" were surely approaching, ever closer with each passing day.
It was the first night Nanoha had spent in her own bed since the accident. Fate stood awkwardly at the side of the bed as Nanoha tried to change her clothes without disturbing the bandages. She had been laughing at her predicament but it was a hollow, grey sound tinged with pain. Her movement was sluggish and Fate felt suddenly desperately scared that Nanoha was going to die and no one had told her. Finally, in a rare moment of abandon that made her tremble, she pulled Nanoha to her, embracing her tightly and telling her it really would get easier and that she'd always be by her side. That was the last straw for Nanoha, who collapsed, sobbing, into Fate's arms.
"Please stay with me tonight," Nanoha breathed weakly against her neck.
Fate flushed deeply, a familiar feeling of guilt surging to the surface of her conflicted mind.
"Fate-chan, please."
"OK." Fate finally forced out, her voice sounding strangely thick.
On the second night, Nanoha had asked, rather timidly, if it would be alright for Fate-chan to spend the night again. After that, neither of them even mentioned it again. All Nanoha had needed to do was fix Fate with her piercing violet eyes, suggest it was getting quite late, and wasn't Fate-chan feeling tired?
Fate hadn't slept in her own bed for months.
Now, however, Nanoha was almost fully recovered. She could do nearly everything unaided and was eager to get back into her training routine. Her scars were even beginning to fade. Fate knew this much because, to her intense mortification, Nanoha had insisted on showing her the very worst one, high on her left thigh. Fate could still remember vividly the feeling of the slightly rough skin under her fingertips and her indignation at how something this beautiful could ever be referred to as an imperfection.
"Fate-chan? Is everything alright?" Nanoha's voice jolted Fate out of her private reverie.
"Ah...I'm fine. Don't worry." Fate blushed.
Nanoha smiled at her and, now clad in pyjamas, came and sat by Fate on the bed.
"It's just that you look troubled." She said serenely, gently taking Fate's hands in hers and running a thumb along the knuckles, one by one, until she'd marked them all.
Fate looked down at Nanoha's slender fingers encircling hers. Would it really be so awful to draw Nanoha closer, kiss her tenderly, and tell her all the things she'd imagined those fingers doing?
"Fate-chan? Really, what is it? You're doing it again." Nanoha's voice contained a note of real concern now.
Fate flinched and hastily pulled her hands back, balling them into fists at her sides. Nanoha really had no idea. How could she? She had had a normal, loving upbringing. She wasn't the one who needed to project her own twisted ideas of love onto the first real friend she'd ever had.
The feeling of guilt deep inside Fate quickly turned into self-loathing, which almost immediately became anger. A harsh, white, indiscriminate anger that forced its way to the surface.
"Nanoha, now that you're almost better, don't you think us sharing a bed is a little unnecessary..." Fate formed the words bitterly, deliberately, her jaw clenched and her fingernails pressing into the flesh of her palms.
"…" Nanoha's face changed in an instant. Where there was once loving concern was now an unidentifiable darkness.
Fate's heart leapt viciously against her rib cage and, if she'd been standing, her legs would have given way underneath her. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. Nanoha wasn't supposed to look like that. That look on her face was meant to be relief, or amusement, or indifference…not pain.
Nanoha abruptly pushed herself up off the bed and Fate felt like she was leaping into the darkness.
She cried out something incomprehensible, paralysed in her position on the bed as she watched the retreating figure cross the room. Nanoha neither turned around nor answered. She merely stood, her back to Fate, looking out of the window at the slowly descending sun.
"I… I thought…you…ha…" she finally whispered, so quietly that Fate could barely make out the words.
When she realised that Nanoha had tailed off indefinitely, Fate forcefully roused herself from her daze. Nanoha's reaction had unnerved her, but, however confused she was, she couldn't run away from herself anymore, especially if it made Nanoha hurt like this. Slowly, fearfully, she made her way across the room, suddenly overly conscious of the feel of the carpet under her feet, and the brightness of the setting sun in her eyes.
Eventually, when Fate had tentatively made her way to within perhaps a metre of the other girl, Nanoha suddenly spun round. Her gaze, hard but tear-filled, fixed itself on Fate uncompromisingly. It was at that precise moment that Fate finally realised what that overwhelming, yet unidentifiable, light she could see every time she looked into Nanoha's eyes really was.
It was herself, and only herself, reflected back strong and true.
The next few seconds passed Fate by like some kind of out of body experience. Now Nanoha wasn't a metre away from her anymore. Now she could feel Nanoha's hands on her. Now Nanoha's lips were pressed hard against her own.
The kiss only lasted a few heart-pounding seconds, but when Nanoha pulled back, Fate's mouth felt suddenly so exposed. She lifted her fingers to her lips, as if to confirm that it had really happened.
"Na…noha…"
A look of apprehension clouded Nanoha's features and she hurriedly took a step backwards, releasing Fate's shoulders from her grip.
"Na...no, wait…" Fate reached out reflexively for Nanoha's hand, desperately trying to drag the right words to the surface.
"I'm…sorry, Fate-chan, I shouldn't have done that…I just thought…I…" Nanoha faltered, but she was stopped short when Fate's lips met with hers once again.
The kiss was longer this time, and Fate's insides shuddered when Nanoha's hands slowly moved their way from her arms to her back, then up to her face, leaving a trail of heat in their wake.
Nanoha pulled back and cupped Fate's cheeks in her palms.
"I don't really understand what's going on between us," she whispered. "But all I want, more than anything, is to be close to you,"
Fate just nodded, not trusting herself to speak.
"It doesn't feel wrong, does it?" Nanoha continued, as Fate mutely shook her head and diffidently brought her hands to rest on the other girl's hips.
Nanoha laughed a little nervously.
"I'm glad. Well, then…" She pulled Fate by the hand away from the window.
As they reached the bedside, Fate hesitated, looking shyly down at the floor. She could feel the redness ascending her cheeks. It felt silly, to be this embarrassed.
"Fate-chan," Nanoha said softly, a hint of amusement in her voice. "Look at me."
Fate reluctantly glanced up to catch the other girl's tender gaze. To her surprise, Nanoha's face was also flushed pink.
"Nanoha…" she began.
"Shh." Nanoha cut her off and, grabbing Fate by both hands pulled her playfully down onto the bed.
Suddenly, Nanoha was leaning over her, strands of her brown hair mingling with Fate's blonde, and her breasts pressing into Fate's in a way that made it difficult to think. All Fate could really comprehend was that Nanoha's skin was so close, and so achingly beautiful, that she badly needed to touch it. Steeling herself, she gingerly reached out and ran her thumb over Nanoha's exposed collarbone.
Nanoha's cheeks coloured further and she sighed, slowly dipping her head until Fate could feel eyelashes brush against her neck.
Feverish, shallow breaths scalded Fate's skin, but Nanoha remained silent and almost motionless, save for the racing heartbeat that Fate could feel, almost closer than her own.
She flailed inwardly. What was she meant to do? It was all she'd ever wanted but it was almost too much. Eventually, with a feigned casualness, she raised her arms to encircle Nanoha's shoulders, pulling the other girl awkwardly towards her. She desperately hoped the gesture would manage to convey just a fraction of the intensity that was making her arms so weak.
Nanoha finally stirred slightly, her lips now coming to rest against Fate's neck, making her inhale sharply.
"Please stay with me again tonight." she pleaded wordlessly, her smiling mouth still pressed to Fate's skin.