Thirteen long years and finally I realize why he had to leave. Thirteen long years and I'm still sober, I don't know how but I made it through. It wasn't easy, she did everything in her power to make things harder. I guess it was my fault, I asked her for some of his things, which she answered with and I quote:

'Nothing of his belongs to you and you have no damn right to any of it.'

It wouldn't have matter if it had just been me but this is where things really started to get complicated. We'd been used to our three little words and their consequences but we were about to be put into a situation where our three little words could no longer stay. We would have had to make a choice, together or not and maybe for him it was easier to stop fighting and let his life be whisked away from him. He wouldn't have had to see the tears in my eyes as he left me for the last time or the tears in her eyes if he chose to be with me.

I could beat myself up wondering who he would have chosen but deep down I know the truth, I was the only one that could truly make him happy. My life still very much revolves around the number three, three sugars in my coffee, three pairs of sneakers by the front door and three damn jobs to support myself.

'Mommy are you ready? We're going to be late.' Screams Jack at full capacity of his little lungs.

'Yay it's raining.' Shouts Jade after him.

'We can be late, no one's keeping check.'

'But we always go at this time. Hurry up, he might think we're not coming.'

Three coats thrown over three bodies, three sets of footsteps on the stairwell and three pairs of sad eyes. In a way nothing much has changed, I still think of him constantly even though I know I can't have him. The twins bring me through all of that though and I know I have as much of him as I was ever supposed to have, I believe in destiny.

I miss his arms, our sunrise and our sunset, I miss the way he used to put his arm around me when he thought no one was watching. I miss the atmosphere at work, Vivian got Jack's job, she does a fantastic job but it's just not the same and they all avoid talking about him to protect me. It's as if he never even existed, nothing remains, not even a photo. I wonder if he's looking down and laughing at the way we all act to try and ease the pain, I wonder if he'd ever have been there for our children. He never really was there for his girls and Maria never did understand that and I don't think I would have either, that's why he had to leave.

The day I found out I cried for three hours straight, I locked myself in the bathroom and ignored the ringing of the doorbell. I knew it was him, he had this pattern of three, ring, ring, ring and then a pause and it'd start all over again, I also knew he had a key and he'd eventually let himself in. He'd always ring, even though I told him he was welcome to just walk in, he didn't feel like it was his home so he never would. I'm not sure if he worried or even hoped that one day he'd walk in on me with someone else. It was never going to happen, he was my world, my everything even though in reality he was never really mine.

'Sam.'

I ignore him, hoping that he'll just give in and go home.

'Baby? I know you're in there. Is something wrong?'

'Go home Jack.'

That would damn sure make this easier for both of us.

'I can't. You need to tell me what's wrong. It's not like you to just walk out like that.'

How does he know what's like me? He's only interested when he wants a release.

'Sam.'

'God damn you Jack.' I say as I come out of the bathroom and throw the pregnancy test at him.

'What does a blue line mean?' He swallows, he already knows the answer.

It means you are going to be a father.

'You know what it means.'

'You seem angry.'

Of course I'm fucking angry, I hate you for this situation you've put me in.

'I'm upset Jack because I know this ruins us, it ruins everything.'

'It only ruins our three little words.'

He has tears in his eyes, they mirror mine.

'And I'm not sure we can survive without them.'

We never got to speak again after that day, I had one last time to use our three little words and I grabbed it with both hands. You may think I sound angry and that I hated him but I loved him so much, I just knew the change would break us and we'd both be left heartbroken. My life still revolves around him and our children never stop asking about their father and I see their eyes light up as I tell them how we met, how we fell madly in love and how we both cried when we found out about them. Sometimes they cry at night, sometimes I do too because I would change the world to give them one day with their father.

'Mom! Mom what are you doing?'

I turn to see that the taxi has stopped and my son and daughter are on the sidewalk staring at me as I still sit strapped into the seat.

'Sorry baby I didn't realize we were here already.'

Jack laughs and his sister giggles.

'You are funny Mommy.'

'Best way to be sweetie, now come on we wouldn't want to be late would we?!'

After his funeral we all went back to her's, she said I wasn't welcome but I went anyway. I had to say my goodbyes properly so in the future I could tell my children that I was there to give all my love and support to a man I never really had. It was ok at first, she was too busy with other guests to realize my presence but the moment she saw me all hell broke loose.

'I told you to stay away.'

'And obviously I ignored you.'

'You are scum, you have no respect for me.'

'Well I would think that was obvious beings I was sleeping with your husband behind your back for three years.'

She slaps me and I think I deserved it.

'Feel better?'

'I'd feel better if it was you in that coffin and not my husband.'

'Shame that because I think you'll be seeing more of me than you may want to.'

'I think not, you have no connection with us now.'

I move my hand to my stomach and smile at her.

'I may not do but when my baby is older I'll be telling him where he can find his half sisters.'

A look of pure horror was plastered over her face, I'll never forget that look. She was disgusted and the reference of 'him' truly broke her heart. I didn't mean to say it, I didn't know the sex of my baby or in fact that there were two of them but the desire to give Jack a son just broke through.

She shoved me against the wall and well what she said I've tried to forget. I never have told the children where they can find them, they know they exist but they surprised me with what they had to say.

'Mom I think we'd be happier without meeting them.'

'Yeah they probably wouldn't like us, Jack looks too much like Dad.'

'I'd upset them and well we don't need them we have each other and you.'

'That's all we need, right Mom.'

I wiped tears from my eyes.

'Right, just the three of us.'

'In our little world of three.' Jack smiles and his sister nods.

Three people huddled up under a large raincoat that had once belonged to the love of my life and their father. The rain thunders down around us and over his headstone. I love the rain, it's so calming and peaceful but must of all I love the rain with them. They remind me every day of everything Jack ever was, my children make me the proudest woman on earth and their father is the proudest father in heaven.

'Mommy, do you think he watches us all the time?' Jade asks quietly.

'For sure sweetie, he can't take his eyes off of you.'

'I wish we could have met him Mom.'

'Me too.'

I pull my twins closer to me and smile for everything we have and everything we'll have in the future.

'Mom I think Daddy would be so proud of you.'

'You do?'

'Yup cause you make us happy.'

'And you help us to remember Daddy when everyone else just tries to forget.'

'I try my best. We should get going. If we hurry we could go grab some supper at the café.'

'Yeahhhhhh.' They both scream in unison.

I laugh as we run from the graveyard with our coats over our heads to protect us from the heavy rain. I smile and run a little faster to keep up with my little fireballs, even the rain can't kill the passion and the fire within them and that's something I'm glad of.

I love the rain

But most of all….

I love the rain with them.