Whisper to a Scream
By Gabi
Prologue: Afraid
Why am I so afraid?
Why am I so afraid to crush down and lose my heart again?
I don't know.
I told him I was half ghost. He grimaced at me, looking at me with true disgust, watching me as if I wasn't his anymore. As if I was something distasteful and bland in his life. That curved line that went down his face, slightly gritted teeth and a look of discomfort through the situation, making my face pale as I smiled a weak smile of pain and displease.
I can't see.
I can't see those memories that have faded on by. Those memories of the past have exited my strain of thoughts, and the memories of the present, of the future linger in the river of mixture and emotion that was running through my mind. I can't see why I am acting this way towards myself. I feel as if my heart was ripped out from its position and my mind losing its normal stream of thoughts, the happy times.
What's come over me?
I don't know. I have repeated that phrase a million and one time, I don't know. Something has been going over my mind, those thousand words I have kept hidden, have disappeared in a blanket of despair, hopeless as I am.
I can't see. I can't see myself. He's guiding me as if I was a position that was to be held or not. I thought I could trust him, but I proved myself wrong. I didn't tell my mother about this. I didn't tell her my secret. I only told him and I regretted it afterwards.
Why am I so afraid?
Why am I so afraid to break down and lose my mind again?
I fear breaking down, a million little pieces on the floor of my life, on the stairs of my life, breaking, crushing themselves into pieces of emotions. My mixture would be separated and further more, it won't be a mixture, just tiny little pieces.
I fear losing my mind and by that, I mean, time after time, thinking about what I should do with my life? I can not allow myself to be thinking like that, it is not me, I am different. I am not this way, whispering, whispering help and no body could hear, not even myself.
Just when I was living my life, just when I thought that nothing ad could happen anymore, I started freezing. I feel as I am freezing, memories I can't see. Those fears that overshadowed me, the fears that underestimated me, have happened. I tried to understand, why? Why did this happen to me?
I can't stay, but I can't leave.
I can't stay in this world of torture any longer, feeling the gray waters actually splashing, killing me, and trying to drown me into nothing. I can't leave this world; there is no way I can get out of the doors without a key of happiness. I am trapped in this world but also I am free from this world.
When I was about to run…
When I was about to escape this world of torture, I fall back down, nobody can see me break down and I am happy that nobody could. I don't want any concern over me. When I was about to run away from this world of torture, I've realized what I've become, I've became my father's worst enemy, I've become just another waste from space, I've become what he hates the most.
I'm wondering what he thinks of me right now
What does he think I am right now? In his eyes, I'm nothing. I'm not his anymore. I'm just Danny, nothing more. I can't see myself as a hero in his eyes, but I feel comfort when I'm next to my mother, for she was caring, though she didn't know the truth.
A fake smile on my face, assuring her that everything is fine and that I don't need any help. She thinks that I am her baby boy and I wish I can say the same for my father. In his eyes, what am I?
I don't know why I break so easily,
All my fears are armed surrounding me, making me afraid. It was my weakness they triggered and still am. I can't get to sleep because of that. What am I, in his eyes? I'm not his anymore. I'm not his son anymore. I keep running in circles around him and he still doesn't acknowledge m existence. I'm nothing in his eyes.
I whisper to myself but what I really what to do is scream…