THE

3 BEARS

& THE

BIG,

BAD,

GOLDILOCKS

Written by

Brother Grim

ONCE UPON A TIME, in the 1900's, there was a family of three bears. If you don't know what a bear is, then you are poorly educated, and should see a head doctor. If you don't have a head doctor, a bear is a husky mammal, and is brown like pants.

These bears were incredibly dimwitted, and could not tell the difference between a pie and a butterfly.

So, one day a baby was crawling in the forest—in a tree!

She fell on her head and so became Goldilocks—because her head was as hard as gold.

Goldilocks was big, bad, and pretty. The boys were attracted to horror—um, I mean her. She was known for her evil schemes and plans to destroy Natural Conservatories.

Her anger burst-outs made her hair burst into flames. In short she was uneasily intimidated.

As I'm sure you've guessed (if you haven't already, here it is) the bears and Goldilocks meet. Wondrous plot, isn't it?

So, one day, Goldilocks was whistling an evil tune in the forest until she came across a hut. BEARS HOUSE, BEWARE, read the sign.

"Time for my graphite skills to come in handy!" So, she blasted down the door with her murderous, high-pitched yell. BANG. CRASH. MEOWWW!

"They have a cat?" asked Goldilocks. "Oh, well. They had a cat." So, she graphitized the house, and laughed an evil laugh. "Heeny weeny hoopity frenyllily heh he ho pie scram fat bottom!" She laughed. "Although, this isn't a Natural Conservatory, I feel much better!"

She walked into the living room. "This chair's frosting over. This chair's on fire. This chair makes me look fat!" So, she walked upstairs and went to the bathroom. "This toilet's too small. This one's too big—I'll fall in! This one's been used!"

So, she went to the bedroom. "This bed's too springy. My head's in the ceiling." A minute later… "This bed is absorbing me!" Another minute later… "This bed is wet—eahhaha!"

So, she went outside. "This pool is warm. Ah! This one's got green water! This drain is malfunctioning! HELP!"

She went to the kitchen. "This coke's yellow! BARF! This coke's frozen solid. This one's just right!"

The bears came in. Papa Bear was so surprised, that he slipped on the mat and broke his nose-bone. Mama Bear was so surprised that she went limp, and her skirt fell down. Baby Bear said, "Intwudah!"

Meanwhile, on their first flight, the Wright Brothers were carrying a cargo of a wrestling ring, although wrestling rings hadn't been invented yet!

Then, Goldilocks threw a boomerang and cut all the strings. Next, the wrestling ring fell in the bears' front yard. So then the mother bear and Goldilocks started wrestling, and Goldilocks did two body slams and knocked Mother Bear out.

So then Goldilocks yelled at the other two bears, "You want a piece of me?"

So then the other two bears ran off into the plane and flew away to Ever-land and met Peter Pants.

"I just think we've forgotten something. Oh… The porridge… oops…"

Meanwhile…

Mother Bear screams at the top of her lungs. "Oooh bear meat!" says Goldilocks, while Mama Bear is screaming…

THE END—FOR NOW…

WARNING

If you have high blood pressure, and cannot take a simple joke, you should see a psychiatrist or have your brain removed. Enjoy this story. DO NOT let it fall into the wrong hands, unless it already is in the wrong hands, in which case, I strongly advise you to put this book down and flee the country.

We are trusting you.

NO REFUNDATION!