Disclaimer: I own neither Kazuki Takahashi's Yu-Gi-Oh! nor Rare's Viva Piñata. I am merely a fan of both shows. This fan fiction was written as a special gift for Eric Stuart to show my appreciation for his work on both shows -- and the fact that he's just a cool, nifty guy. Not only is Eric the voice actor for Seto Kaiba in Yu-Gi-Oh! and the voice actor for Les Galagoogoo, Pecky Pudgeon (and others) as well as the voice director for Viva Piñata, but he is also a talented songwriter and singer. The URL for his band website is simple, 'ericstuart' with the the most COMmon ending for websites. (If you follow the link to his MySpace account you can hear four of his songs.)
Viva Yu-Gi-Oh!
"Langston! Langston! Franklin found somethin' weird at the beach! You better come look at it." Paulie dashed up to the Lickatoad's office.
"Can't you see I'm busy here? We've got four parties in the next two hours and only three piñatas ready to go," Langston replied testily. "It's not another jellyfish he brought in on his board, is it? Remind that idiot Fudgehog 'jellyfish' is just its name -- it's not actually made of jelly. I don't want a repeat of last time."
"No, no, it's something much weirder. I think it's a human!"
"A human? Here? I don't have time for this! Look, just keep it calm and quiet for now until I've got a minute to deal with it," the harried Lickatoad instructed.
"How?"
"I don't know; talk to it -- feed it candy! I don't care, just don't bother me with it right now!"
--------
I sit up and rub my forehead between my eyes where a killer headache is trying to form. I've definitely spent too many hours working and not enough sleeping. I could have sworn I was just... What the... Scratch that. Where the hell am I?
"Oh, you're awake! Goody! A real, live human! You're even rarer than the Chewnicorn, you know? Well, here that is. You aren't hollow, are you? I uhm, reached out and touched you and you seem solid. If you're supposed to be hollow, your candiosity must be off the meter! Don't let Langston find you or he'll pack you off to a party like nobody's business and that will be that! I can just tell we are going to be great friends, because you have such kind, blue eyes -- that are -- glaring at me -- with such -- uhm... I'll, uhm, be over here..."
I blink trying to clear my eyes. I did not just... I was not seeing this. The oddly voluble creature somehow sidles away from me to hide on the far side of another creature that looks like a giant, multicolor bear -- holding a surfboard. I squint at it. It's made of tissue paper? Oh, it's a piñata. The first piñata peers its head around the second and gives me what, in a person, I'd term an uncertain smile. Great. The piñata had been talking to me. At least it wasn't wearing tacky gold jewelry and spouting nonsense about the heart of the cards... Though I wouldn't put it past that annoying spirit of Yugi's to have done this to me. Him -- or Pegasus. Some sort of mind-trick of one of theirs to scramble my perception of reality, I suppose. Or, maybe it's all a symptom of stress. I have been working hard lately -- maybe it was just harder than I realized. It takes a moment, but I finally manage to stand up. Perhaps things will settle toward 'normal' if I'm not sitting down.
"Dude! You're like, really tall -- even taller than me!"
Standing hadn't helped. The bear piñata, aside from holding a surfboard, actually talks like a surfer. Wonderful. Makes me think of that annoying Taylor kid that hangs around Yugi all the time. Wait -- he makes me think of Taylor. Maybe this is all just stress... I know if I had any say about it, if I were going to hallucinate because I'm losing my mind, I'd be surrounded by Blue-Eyes White Dragons and not eye-blinding colorful, inexplicably animated piñatas.
"Oh! I know!"
Lovely. The surfer-bear is now dancing.
"Let's look at the book!"
The cover of the book reads, The Pinidiot's Guide to Humans (on Piñata Island) so now I know. Pegasus. Definitely Pegasus. That 'pharaoh' of Yugi's would never stoop so low...
"Oh, my. It says in here that 'in times past, when humans washed up on the shores of Piñata Island, they often needed food, water or medical treatment, and it is every piñata's responsibility to make sure the human is taken care of if it is in distress. Humans should be treated as highly honored guests during those exceedingly rare times they appear on Piñata Island.' Dude, you're okay, aren't you? You look okay, I guess, for a human. Is there anything you need?"
The snarky reply, 'hell, yes, some way out of this insane nightmare' claws at my throat, but there is just something so -- sincere -- about the way the bear asked that I can't bring myself to say it. Taylor isn't that bad -- he usually managed to get away with zinging Wheeler pretty good, so I am inclined to simply ignore him. If this whole weird experience is just some bizarre 'piñata-vision' that Pegasus managed to inflict on me, the last thing I want to do is lose my temper, lash out at someone and not even realize who it is. If I'm going to crush someone, it's because I want to, not because I don't know what's real and what isn't. Pegasus isn't going to use me this way.
Unfortunately, that cowardly groundhog, or whatever it is, is starting to get on my nerves.
"Water? I can get you water!" Yes, and splash it all over me, evidently.
"Food? Candy, here you go!" Uhm, no. I'm not one for candy in the first place, much less candy that's just been vomited on my shoes by a hyper, animated, child's party decoration.
"You don't like candy? Weird! I know! I can get some fruit!"
I can't take it. I reach down and grabbed the thing's snout. It feels just how it looks, like tissue paper over some stiffened paper frame. What is odd is that I can feel it try to pull away from me -- and it doesn't feel like someone else is pulling on the other side of some inanimate object. Any vague idea I'd had that maybe these things are being manipulated by someone else -- that they are puppets -- is gone in a flash. It pulls to just below the point of being torn trying to free itself from my grasp, then stops.
"If you don't stop jumping around and flinging things on me, I will tear you to pieces. Are we clear?"
"Ye-Ye-Yes!"
"Hey, Fergy was just trying to help."
"If I need help, I'll ask for it. And it won't be from a useless pile of cardboard and tissue paper."
"Whoa. That's cold, dude. Way to harsh my vibe."
"Whatever."
--------
"Franklin! Fergy! Where are you? Langston says we just hafta keep the human calm and quiet 'til he's got a chance to deal with it. Where did it go?" Paulie ran along the beach to where he'd left his friends and the human.
"It's here, Paulie. I'm glad you're back. It's really mean -- threatening me and bumming Franklin out."
"Aw, come on. It can't be that bad. What did you do to upset it?"
"I am not an 'it'. I am Seto Kaiba, CEO of Kaiba Corporation, and I demand to see whoever is in charge!" Kaiba crossed his arms and glared down at all three piñatas.
"Langston is really busy right now, but he knows you're here, so he'll be coming here as soon as he can," Paulie explained. "Not a moment too soon if you ask me," he added under his breath.
"No one did." Kaiba observed archly.
"What do we do now?" Fergy asked out of the side of his mouth.
"I don't know," Paulie replied in the same way.
"I can still hear you," Kaiba said.
"Eeeep!"
"Let me see that book," Kaiba demanded, snatching it from Franklin.
"Hey!" A glare from Kaiba quelled the Fizzlybear's complaint. After a few minutes, he walked off, still peering down into the book.
"What should we do?" Franklin asked.
"Let him go. Good riddance, I say!" Fergy said.
"But, my book!"
"I'll buy you a new one," Paulie offered.
"I dunno, guys. Didn't Langston say we were supposed to keep the human quiet?" Franklin suddenly recalled. "He isn't going to be happy if we don't keep an eye on him."
"Eh, nuts to that!" Fergy replied.
"Yeah, he's just reading a book. How much trouble could he get in?"
--------
"A human?! Here? How delightful!" Professor Pester exclaimed. "There must be some way to turn this event to my advantage. Tell me all about it."
As he listened to his Ruffians report, he turned over different plans in his mind. Most piñatas recalled 'the Mighty Piñator' of The Great Bonboon's, so that was an option, if the human were able to play that role. A racket based on protection from the marauding human -- protection paid for in candy, of course -- held a certain appeal, too, though it was rather simple as far as master-plans go. Of course, the piñatas were rather simple, anyway, so...
--------
"I'm going to find the biggest, rowdiest party with the greatest number of sugar-high kids to rip those three into nothing more than multicolor shreds for this!" Langston was hopping mad.
"I don't care about your issues. My problem is the single most important thing that should be on your mind, now. Is what this ridiculous book says true?" Kaiba held The Pinidiot's Guide to Humans (on Piñata Island) out so the Lickatoad could see it.
"Despite the simplistic language, the information in the book is accurate."
"I'm stuck here until I find my 'perfect piñata'?"
"'Fraid so." Langston hardly seemed contrite.
"I don't want a piñata."
"Too bad, bucko. You wound up here -- somehow -- and until you find your piñata, you can't leave."
"I want to see whomever is in charge about circumventing this rule."
"It's not a rule. Humans aren't supposed to come here -- when they do it throws things out of balance. Except for parties, humans and piñatas really aren't supposed to be aware of each other. It's -- unnatural. Humans aren't supposed to know piñatas are alive."
Kaiba considered. It would be disturbing if people knew piñatas were alive. Either they wouldn't be able to enjoy the fun of having a piñata at a party, since the whole point was to break the piñata open and release the candy, or, they'd enjoy it too much, for entirely unwholesome reasons. Either way, he could see Langston's point.
"So, I won't mention that piñatas are alive to anyone."
"Not that simple. This isn't just some rule that can be enforced or not enforced at will. It's not a matter of permission. It's the very nature of our different realities. If you try to leave Piñata Island, you'll just wind up back here. You must find -- and bond with -- your piñata before you will be able to leave."
"Great. Just great." He thought for a moment. "How do I pick my piñata?"
"Again, not that simple. It's not enough to just select one of us, say that one is your piñata and everything's good to go. On all of Piñata Island, there is one of us who simply is 'your' piñata. According to piñata lore, you and your piñata will just know it when you meet each other."
"It's the 'heart of the cards' crappola all over again," Kaiba muttered. He was struck by a thought. "Are there any dragon piñatas?"
"Just one -- the Dragonache."
"Take me to see this Dragonache. If my instinct is right, that's my piñata," Kaiba ordered.
--------
Langston felt just a bit sorry for the human, as Kaiba seemed so dismayed when he met the Dragonache. It didn't help that the piñata did like Kaiba -- a lot. The excited Dragonache kept licking the startled human and dropping into his 'play with me, come on, please, please, please play with me!' stance. It was equally obvious that Kaiba was horrified by the Dragonache's undignified behavior. It took only a moment to realize that the amiable, affectionate, eager-to-please Dragonache was not this young, reserved human's piñata.
"Now can we do things my way?" Langston asked, thinking to press his advantage. His only answer was a bemused nod.
And so it was that all the local piñatas were summoned to meet the rare human. Knowing that Paulie, Fergy and Franklin, as well as himself, weren't this human's piñata, Langston pressed them into service to round up their friends and neighbors.
"A human! We're going to get to see a real, live human!" Ella exclaimed.
"You've seen humans before, Ella," Paulie pointed out as he led her to the clearing Langston specified.
"Have I? I don't remember."
"Yes, every time you go to a party!"
"Oh! Oh, yes! I have seen humans before," Ella realized. "Wait, what were we talking about?"
"Next," Kaiba called out, eliminating the amnesiac Elephanilla from consideration.
"What's going on? Oooh! Is that a human? I've never met a human before!"
"Come on, Ella," Paulie suggested. "Let's go find you some peanuts. Or something."
"Stop me if you've heard this one," Chortles began as Fergy led him forward.
"Stop," Kaiba commanded. "Next."
"Wait, Hudson. You can't just cut the line!" Franklin complained.
"Nonsense! As the most popular piñata of all, it's only logical that I'm the human's perfect piñata!"
Kaiba suddenly saw red. There was something familiar -- and infuriating -- about the voice issuing from the horse-shaped piñata approaching him. His hands, held loosely at his sides, fisted reflexively a few times. He realized his hands were itching for his Duel Monster deck only a scant moment before something long and cylindrical was thrust into them.
"AURGH!"
Piñatas scurried left and right as he charged with the stick held high over his head. Less than a minute later, the hapless Horstachio was scattered all along the ground while nearly every other piñata froze in alarm and fear. The only sound was the rapid clicking of a camera's shutter as Pecky Pudgeon archived the moment for the Piñata Yada Yada. Breathing hard from exertion and stress, Kaiba realized what he'd done and threw the stick away in horror.
"It's the scoop of the millennium! Human runs amok, smashes Hudson Horstachio to bits!" Pecky crowed as he flew off.
"Fergy? Could you go take a look in the far end of the licorice thicket? I think that's the direction my ass went flying in," Hudson asked, from his spot broken on the ground.
"Gah!" Kaiba exclaimed, jumping away in a near-panic from the unexpected voice issuing from down by his ankles. "You're still alive?!"
"Yes..." Hudson began.
"No, you be quiet. Not a word. You," Kaiba pointed to Langston, "you explain it."
Kaiba listened carefully to Langston's explanation while staring idly at the broken bits of piñata and candy strewn all about. The other piñatas kept edging forward toward the carnage for some reason. It suddenly dawned on Kaiba they were after the candy -- a realization that was confirmed a moment later as a hoard of red creatures burst through the bushes and descended on the clearing.
"Mine! It's all mine! Hudson's candy, the sweetest candy of all! Mwa-ha-ha!" The tallest of the red newcomers gloated, holding his hands up in triumph. "My brilliant plan worked."
That wouldn't do. He was no one's lackey. "Touch even one piece of that candy, and I'll do the same to you," Kaiba stated in a low, even, yet utterly chilling tone.
"Oh, really? Who dares defy the brilliant Professor Pester?" Professor Pester demanded as he turned around before looking up. "Oh! It's, uhm, you -- the human. I'd never dream of taking all this delicious candy, that is, if you want it. We could split it fifty-fifty. You broke the piñata after all."
"Yeah, and it's all your fault! I saw you push the stick into his hand!" Franklin suddenly spoke up.
"Oh, really?" Kaiba asked mildly. A moment later Professor Pester went sailing over the trees.
"I have no regrets!"
Kaiba looked down from watching the duplicitous Pester's impromptu flight (he was quietly satisfied at how far he'd managed to hurl him) to see a tiny, pink piñata staring up at him with wide, unblinking, blue eyes. As their gazes met, a thrill shot through him.
A stream of fast, high gibberish issued from the piñata. Kaiba blushed.
"I didn't mean to."
Another bit of high-pitched gibbering.
"It happened so fast; you see, the horse piñata's voice..."
More gibberish.
"Fine, Hudson's voice sounds very much like someone I know."
"He's talkin' to Les?!" Paulie exclaimed. "He can understand him?!"
"Apparently. If I'm not mistaken, Kaiba's just found his perfect piñata," Langston answered, watching as Les rebounded off a tree trunk with a "Kiyaa!", flipping in the air and landing perfectly on Kaiba's shoulder a moment before the human walked off through the woods, listening to the diminutive piñata the whole while. "Let's give them a few minutes to get acquainted."
"Uhm, guys? A little help here?" Hudson asked plaintively from the ground.
--------
"I don't see why I have to do this!" Kaiba grumbled.
Les glared at him and told him why.
"Well, yes I did do this, but, it's wasn't my fault." Kaiba picked up another chunk of broken Horstachio and pieced it alongside the adjacent chunk before splinting the two bits together with glue and craft paper.
"Mmmph mmph, mmphle, mphzzle?" Hudson asked. His mouth was pinned shut with a few creatively placed bits of green paper ribbon.
"No, I will not take off that muzzle. You talk too much, and I don't like your voice," Kaiba told the Horstachio firmly. "Now, stop squirming or we won't get finished in time."
"Oh, do hurry!" Langston hopped around them in agitation. "It's a new, very important client, and Hudson was requested most specifically!"
Kaiba glared at the over-excited Lickatoad. "We'll be done in time if you don't bother us. Go away."
Les made Kaiba smile appreciatively with his follow-up comment.
"Exactly!"
"What? What did he just say?" Langston demanded.
"It was an enthusiastic, rather sarcastic agreement with me."
Kaiba listened carefully as Les spoke again.
"Les is suggesting you go get the cannonata ready. We'll bring Hudson along as soon as we are finished repairing him."
"Fine! Make certain that you do! My poor deadlines..." Langston hopped off.
"Les," Kaiba asked, gluing another bit of Hudson into place, "what's a cannonata?"
--------
"Hey, you might act mean and surly, but your hands are gentle," Hudson observed in a low tone of voice as Kaiba finally removed the muzzle. "Thank you for helping me out. I'd hate to let a new client down. I've got my reputation to maintain."
"I didn't do it for you," Kaiba told him.
Hudson looked over at Les. "I know. Still, thank you. I'd hate to miss a good party!" Hudson passed the Candiosity Metering with flying colors and seemed pleased when a giant hand grabbed him and set him on his conveyored way into the depths of Piñata Central and the waiting cannonata.
"That has to be the weirdest thing I've ever seen," Kaiba observed, watching as the Horstachio, with a triumphant "Viva Piñata!" was shot from Piñata Island a few minutes later.
Les hopped up to the Candiosity Meter next, chattering at Kaiba while he did.
"Yes, I remember. You're sure this is the only way?"
By the time the helper hand made its way to pick up the Galagoogoo, Kaiba was there holding Les in his arms. Les chattered at him the whole way through the cannonata ride, speaking fast even for him.
"Remember that other humans will just think you're crazy if you mention piñatas are alive," Langston advised from his position behind the controls at the top of the cannonata. "It's in your best interest to keep our secret!"
"Don't worry," Kaiba countered. "I'm not about to mention this to anyone," he muttered under his breath.
The 'ride' deposited him in the launch tube. "You're sure this is safe?"
The Lickatoad smiled evilly. "Not really." He punched the control that set the system to close the tube just as Les sent a final stream of gibberish Kaiba's way and jumped out.
"Wai--wait! What?! Where are you going?!" Kaiba banged on the window between him and the control area.
"Have a good flight, bucko!"
--------
Pretty, white, puffy clouds... The wind whipping through his hair... Azure blue sky... Blue?
Blue!
Puppy-dog Blue-Eyes White Dragon...
Snarky, sarcastic, pink Kuriboh...
A horse wearing an ancient Egyptian headdress and Yugi's Millennium Puzzle... but...
It's papier-mâché...
Fighting for...
Candy...
Candy?
"Gah!" Kaiba gasped, waking himself up as he sat bolt upright in his bed. "What the hell?"
--------
Mokuba's surprise birthday party, still in full swing, was a solid success. As he'd planned everything with his usual meticulous attention to detail, Seto was satisfied his brother was having a great time. Having convinced himself the whole 'Piñata Island' experience was merely an odd dream brought about by cutting into his sleep to plan this party, Kaiba was totally unprepared to recognize the piñata when it was brought in.
Right. I'd gone to that website to research which piñata to get for Mokuba's party. Only the best for my little brother. That must have been what triggered that dream, Kaiba told himself. Still...
He couldn't help but wander idly toward the piñata after his staff set it up and went to go round up Mokuba and his guests. Almost without volition, Kaiba's hand stretched out and touched it. As expected, it was inert tissue paper over a stiffened frame and not 'alive' with an indescribably tactile vitality.
Wait... That bit of green paper didn't fit... He reached up and removed it from the corner of the Horstachio's mouth.
"Thanks. My forelock is supposed to drape to the other side, too."
Kaiba reached out and flipped the brown streamers from the right side to the left.
"Thanks, again."
Wait!
"Hudson?!" Kaiba whispered.
"One and the same. Now, shh! I'm not supposed to talk -- though I must compliment you on throwing a most fabulous party!"
"Is everything all right, sir?" One of his staff asked as he approached with the stick and a blind-fold. "Unless there's a problem, we are ready to start."
Kaiba looked at where Hudson was suspended, and swinging gently, waiting patiently to be bashed to bits and shower his candy payload down upon the enthusiastic party-goers. Manfully he repressed a shudder. "Everything is as it should be."
--------
A little more than three months later, Kaiba sighed as he closed the door to his room. It had been a long, tiresome day, one that made him feel old, far older than his still tender years -- even though this day was the one he tacked another number onto that figure. Only Mokuba had remembered it was his birthday, surprising him with a gift after dinner. Reflecting on it, Kaiba considered that's the way it should be. He didn't care for his employees to make a big deal of his birthday, and heaven knew he didn't need any of Yugi's crowd to start carping about friendship again, using his birthday as a lame excuse. Still, somehow, he felt as though something was missing.
"Kiyaaaa!" A pink missile shot up from the floor to land on his shoulder, chattering a mile a minute the entire while.
"Les! You remembered!" Kaiba exclaimed, as an unguarded, wholly delighted smile took over his face.
Now, finally, his birthday felt complete.
-end-
-----------------
Author's notes -
For you poor, unfortunate people who have not seen Viva Piñata – what are you waiting for? It's on Fox on Saturday mornings, and it's completely hysterical. Hudson Horstachio's voice actor is Dan Green, so he sounds like a rather vain, self-absorbed, convinced-of-his-own-stardom version of Yami. That is if Yami were a horse and had candy-for-brains. Les must be seen to be understood – he is tiny, adorable, the smartest and most capable piñata on the island, but he speaks in a fast, high-pitched, terribly cute and utterly incomprehensible manner. Nope, honestly, no one understands him, but he's always saving the day. Les is voiced by Eric Stuart. Yes, this fact breaks my brain nearly every week.
Reviews, comments and constructive criticisms are always welcome! Please feel free to email or message me if you see something awkward that needs to be clarified or fixed. I need all the help I can get.