So I had an idea this morning and thought to myself, "I'll write fic about it!" And then every scene I could think of either was a direct quote or had nothing to do with the story. So then I thought to myself, "I'll write a tumblr post about it!" And then I ended up including quotes and characterization. So...I don't know.

See this on the original tumblr post: snark-sniper. tumblr post / 144916551099 / nordic-5-as-guardians-of-the-galaxy

NEW: find this story on AO3 under the name snark_sniper.

Mathias is Starlord. He was always a mama's boy, but after the shock of being stolen away on Gilbert's ship, he learns to bury his grief with a cocky grin and the name that always made him feel strong. He replaces homesickness with space travel set to the most awesome playlist ever, and he uses his smile and the skills Gilbert practically beats into him to slip away with some of the universe's most fascinating relics. The orb he steals, though heavily guarded, doesn't feel like one of them. But if Gil is so determined to have it, it seems like the perfect piece to kick-start Mathias's new independent life aboard his ship, the København.

Lukas is Gamora. He feels like he's stooping far too low to steal an orb from this oblivious Terran, but he doesn't have much of a choice. This orb will buy him freedom from his master General Winter, who in turn has rented Lukas's services to the rogue Ivan. Maybe if Lukas is lucky, he can slip away with Natalia, his sister—not by blood, but by the trials and suffering of adoption under General Winter. Lukas has never known family, though he vaguely remembers a young boy squirming in his lap before Lukas was stolen, before his family was lost. Now his partner of the Silver Siblings (known together for the paleness of their skin, the stoniness of their faces, and the sheen of their weapons) is all he has left. But while she remains obedient to Ivan and oblivious to the havoc they wreak, Lukas can no longer be.

Emil is Rocket. He has no idea why Mathias—this talkative idiot, so oddly protective of the green-skinned man who beat him to a pulp—insists on tacking "raccoon" to the end of his name. Whatever a raccoon is, he's not one. He's a mastermind and a weapon's expert, and he's the only one of this goddamn mismatched group who even has an idea of how to escape the Kyln. But they need the money this orb apparently is worth. Especially him, Emil thinks, as if he's saving for something beyond his and his walking tree's next meal. As if money is going to bring him back the family he lost, or the form he had before he became an unrecognizable beast. At least, firing a gun, he can pretend he's getting revenge at those who have wronged him.

Berwald is Drax. He lost his son, Peter, to Lukas and his invading forces on behalf of Ivan, and when he finds himself escaping the Kyln with him, he swears he will take revenge the first chance he gets. However, as the København speeds away from the prison and to Knowhere, he finds himself losing focus. He fails to understand the abstract meanings that his compatriots use, but among these odd beings, he remembers the comforting presence of family. Remembers it a little too keenly. Drunken on Knowhere and abandoned while the others seek counsel with a man named Lars—Lukas's name for him, though most know him as the Collector—he summons Ivan to avenge the family he can never recover. He wakes up, knocked out from the fight, to find he has ruined everything. Emil informs him in scathing tones that the orb is in Ivan's hands, Natalia has nearly killed Lukas in open space, Mathias has nearly killed himself giving his oxygen to Lukas, and now both are in the hands of Gilbert, a thief with a bounty on Mathias's head. Regardless of his seething anger, Emil holds out a hand and Berwald takes it. Berwald has new wrongs to right.

Meanwhile, on Xandar, Arthur Kirkland, Nova Prime, is approached by a subordinate, one Alfred Jones. Jones's countenance is unusually serious.

"I've just received a distress call from one of our parolees. You know, I tell you about him sometimes? Goes by Star King or whatever."

"And?"

"He says Ivan is going to attack Xandar. We have hours, max. He says he's coming with Lukas, Ivan's subordinate, and also Gilbert and his whole crew of pirates."

Arthur raises an eyebrow. He knows Jones won't waste his time with something ridiculous—at least, usually—but the claim seems just too incredible. "And do you trust this…Star King?"

Arthur is surprised by the amount of thought Jones puts into his answer, and then by his certainty in answering. "Well…yes."

Tino is Groot. He mildly accepts the company of more beings than Emil, and by the time he sees them threatened on the Dark Aster, he is ready to defend them as he would his small outcast friend. He impales those who attack, and in a roaring battle cry he destroys them all. He turns to his friends afterward with an inviting smile, and although they look shell-shocked—fucking terrifying, Mathias mutters under his breath—Tino thinks he has proved to them his friendship. It's only a logical next step that when the ship appears ready to crash, he extend his limbs and protect them further.

"But Tino," says Emil, tears welling in his eyes. "You'll die."

Tino means to assure Emil that Emil knows what to do. That Emil has been so good to Tino, and that he is valued, he is loved. That Tino sees the pain and the loss in Lukas's family and in Berwald's son and in the woman named "Mom" that Mathias calls out to in his sleep. That he will not allow these beings—these strange beings that overcome so much and fight for those who still have something to lose—to be lost too.

Tino remembers little in his new earliest memories. With his first yawn he sees the others are safe, and that's all he cares to know for a while. With every new time he opens his eyes, he is a little bigger, his friends a little closer. He dances to Mathias's music. He leans over the edge of his pot to throw tools Emil needs to him. When he regains the ability to extend his limbs, the first thing he does is wrap one around the shoulders of Berwald, who fell asleep on a chair beside him. Tino looks around their communal room. Lukas is asleep upright on a sofa Mathias insisted on wrenching into the small entrance of their new ship, the Kalmar; on the adjoining cushion, Mathias's head is slumped against Lukas's shoulder. Emil has apparently fallen asleep on the floor amid half-assembled rifles, and is curling closer to Lukas's feet. Under Tino's outstretched branch, Berwald's breathing remains study, his face smooth and untroubled.

"I am Tino," says Tino quietly, the first time he has vocalized since regrowing.

I am home.