This is the third installment of the Plot Bunny trilogy. It is not necessary to read The Great Plot Bunny Caper or The Revenge of the Plot Bunny before reading this, as none of them make any sense anyway.

The incidents depicted in this story are the products of a demented mind. Any similarity to a legitimate Hogan's Heroes Fan Fiction story, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

The standard disclaimer applies: I make no claims to any of the characters of the Hogan's Heroes universe. I also mean no disrespect to the establishments and products mentioned in this story, nor would they, in their right mind, endorse this story.

Everyone Loves a Plot Bunny
Part 1: Everyone Loves a Plot Bunny

Shivering, Newkirk threw another piece of wood into the stove. "Blimey, it's bloody cold in here!" he exclaimed.

The rest of the men were too cold to respond. They simply huddled around the stove wrapped in blankets that did little to take the chill off of them.

"Newkirk, what exactly does the word blimey mean?" Carter asked. "I hear you use it all the time, but you've never explained it."

Newkirk looked at Carter and shrugged. "I don't know," he said. "Ask the bloody writer fellow that's making me say it all the time."

Kinch looked over to the corner. "Not him again!" he said disgustedly. "I thought we were finally done with him when all the other writers were able to chase that oddball creature into the swamp that's over by the well."

"I guess not," Le Beau said. "It looks like he's still around. This time he seems to want to freeze us to death. Carter, what is the temperature in here?"

Carter looked at the round thermometer hanging on the barracks wall by the door. The thermometer had the logo of Land's End printed on it. "It says it is thirty degrees in here," he responded.

The men shivered again. Newkirk decided he needed to put another piece of wood on the fire and grabbed on to put in.

"This is a pretty bad cold spell," Carter continued. "After all, it is the month of August."

All the men huddled around the stove looked at Carter. Then they glanced at the calendar that was hanging on the wall next to the thermometer. The calendar was showing the Sears Craftsman Tool of the Month for the month of August.

"Um, Carter, what does the thermometer say again?" Kinch asked.

Carter looked again. "It says thirty degrees Kinch," Carter responded.

"Thirty degrees what, Carter?" Kinch asked again slowly.

Carter squinted, trying to be sure he got it right. "Thirty degrees Celsius," he said.

A collective groan emerged from the men huddled around the stove. Suddenly, they began to sweat, and had to throw off their blankets. Newkirk debated whether to throw the stick of wood he was holding at Carter, but suddenly had a better idea. He turned and tossed it in the direction of the idiot writer, who for some reason knew it was coming and was able to duck out of the way before getting hit.

"I wish this guy would go away," Newkirk said while putting the fire out in the stove.

"The bad part about it is that he is on vacation and doesn't have anything else to do but harass us in these inane Plot Bunny sagas," Kinch said.

"That's not fair," Le Beau said. "He gets a vacation, and we have to sit around here all the time." He got up and walked over to the Krupps coffee maker sitting by the stove. "Anyone want some coffee?" he asked.

"No, not anything hot," Baker responded.

The men looked over at him. "You're in this story too?" Kinch asked. "I thought only one of us could appear at a time."

"I guess this must be a special story, since his majesty is on vacation," Baker responded.

"Now let's not get carried away," Newkirk retorted. "I think we should refer to him as the idiot writer rather than his majesty."

"So do I," Baker said. "But you know how he is. I had no choice but to say that, since his excellence is the one putting all the words in my mouth."

"Baker, if you can't control yourself, we're going to have to kick you out of this story," Kinch said.

"I'll try," Baker replied. "I guess I'm just so happy to actually be used in a story that I'll do anything to stay."

"Well try to fight the urge to say those kind of things, Le Beau said. He walked over to the corner of the room. "Anyone want some iced coffee?" he asked.

Everyone said yes, and Le Beau carried over six cups with Dunkin' Donuts written on them.

"Le Beau, when did we get an icebox?" Carter asked.

"I don't know," Le Beau responded. "It was just there at the beginning of this chapter." He handed the cups out to everyone and found that there was one extra.

"Who's the extra cup for?" Carter asked.

"That's for Colonel Hogan," Le Beau replied. "I'll knock on his office door and give it to him."

"Don't bother," Kinch said. "He's not in there."

"Oh," Le Beau said. "Is he in Klink's office?"

Newkirk shook his head. "No, he's on vacation too," he replied.

"What?" Carter exclaimed. "He went on vacation and left us here?"

Newkirk nodded. "Yes," he said. "He said he had to go to Cape Cod and look for a very special kind of Plot Bunny that lived only in the sand near the ocean. I think he called it a Beach Bunny."

"I can't believe he would do this to us!" Le Beau exclaimed. "After all we've been through together, he would go on such a dangerous mission alone?"

"I think we ought to help him out," Carter said. "We can't take the chance of letting him struggle in the grasp of some Beach Bunny alone. What if there is more than one of them? What if they all jump on him at once?"

Kinch laughed. "I think that's what he hoping for," he said.

"Well, I still say we should go and help him," Carter replied.

"I do too," both Newkirk and Le Beau said together.

"Can I go too?" Baker asked.

"Of course," Newkirk responded. "It wouldn't be fair to leave you here." Baker smiled broadly.

"Kinch, call London and tell them that we're going to go help Colonel Hogan," Le Beau said.

Kinch got up and walked over to the wall next to the icebox. He looked at it curiously. It had a Frigidaire label on the front. He opened the door and looked inside. He was surprised that there was a light on. "I wonder if this little light stays on when the door is closed?" he asked.

"I could get inside and you could close the door," Carter said. "I'll tell you if the light stays on." He started to get up.

"No mate," Newkirk said, placing a restraining hand on Carter's shoulder. "Everyone knows that it's dangerous to get inside a refrigerator. You could die."

Carter looked at Newkirk with wide eyes. "Really?" he asked.

Newkirk nodded. "Yes," he replied. "So if anyone is going to be put inside there, it should be the idiot writer."

"Good point," Carter said.

Le Beau impatiently cleared his throat. "Kinch, call London," he said.

Kinch nodded. He picked up the white slim-line AT&T telephone and started to punch some numbers. He looked back at Newkirk. "Newkirk, what's the country code for England?" he asked.

Newkirk told him and Kinch continued to press the numbers.

"I thought he would use the radio," Carter said. "After all, we have a nice Grundig tabletop model in the tunnel."

Le Beau shook his head. "The telephone is easier," he replied. "Besides, we're in one of those kinds of stories again."

Carter nodded his head and stared back at Le Beau with an understanding look.

"What I would like to know," Baker said, "is why we have all of these brand names in this story."

"Oh, that's simple," Newkirk replied. "It's called product placement. They do it all the time in the movies."

"But don't they movie producers get paid for doing that?" Baker asked.

Newkirk nodded. "Yes they do, but this idiot writer is too dumb to know that," he said.

Kinch hung up the phone. "Okay," he said. "London approved our mission. They are going to fax us over five first class airline tickets on a Lufthansa flight to Boston." As he spoke, the fax machine started humming.

"Now that's a bit unusual," Le Beau said. "They normally tell us to make our own arrangements."

"I guess this must really be a special mission," Newkirk said.

"Maybe," Kinch responded. "They did say that we had to use our credit card for expenses."

"Which one?" Baker asked.

"American Express, of course," Kinch said. "They said not to leave home without it."

The men nodded happily. They would soon be out of the barracks and off in search of Colonel Hogan. They were determined to protect him from the evil Beach Bunnies, and whatever it was that they were after.